New year's eve

This has got to be the perfecto New Year's eve considering the situation that I'm in. Doing first year of residency in a busy hospital can't be a good time to celebrate anything. But my he-bitch was kind enough to grant me permission at around 10 pm to go ahead with my plans.

I went to my room, washed my face and feet, put new clothes and start to the mall where Xander was hanging out with his friend Shri. I had promised that I would meet him in front of the McDonald's there. I was sort of surprised to see the huge crowd there. I mean, I know there is supposed to be a huge crowd in a mall on New Year's eve. But still, didn't expect this much.

Once I reached McDonald's, I picked my mobile to call him. I noticed that there were three missed calls. All from Xander. I decided to call him back. As I was punching in the keys, Xander called. He asked me where I was. He came up behind me with Shri. I was happy to meet them. But at the same time, I was surprised to see that Shri had pierced his left eyebrow as well.

Xander wanted us to go back to the apartment and jam. I watned to eat something and hang out in the mall for sometime. But Xander's persuasion presided over my reluctancy. We went back to the apartment and had a nice nice time. We played lots of stuff from the past years. Shri was a little pain in the arese when he took up the guitar and started playing. But otherwise, it was fine.

Finally when I started feeling drowsy, I had to ask Xander to stop jamming and let me sleep. He didn't want me to. He wants to jam all night and day. I fell asleep jamming twice and finally convinced Xander that I needed sleep badly. Once he let me to quit, I drove myself into blissful eyeshut.

Last emergency of the year

I go into the last emergency of the year in a very good mood. I don't exactly know why. But this was surely similar to the times 2 months before when I was in another unit. Everyone thought that I appeared pumped up as compared to other days. Fine, fine, fine. It is good to end the year on a positive note I guess.

Unfortunate

This has to be the peak of misfortune. The tell the story in short, yesterday I was entrusted with 2 xrays which were to be kept safe for my professor. I did just that and had to hand it over to my colleague who forgot that he had kept it in his bag. The he-bitch wanted the xrays in the morning. It was missing of course. I tried to remind my colleague about the fact that the two xrays were handed over to him yesterday. He didn't recall at all. Total nocall. He-bitch started bithhing. The lecturer painted pictures of a grey hell with fireballs and demons in the upcoming future for everyone, especially me. I was helpless, hopelessly needful of help.

When my colleague came around it was late enough. But at least I was able to give the Xrays to regain some dignity in front of my unit.

But why is this happening? Am I at the lowest nadir in my life? If yes, I'm pretty good, yeah!

Catching up with sleep

Today was so good. I was able to sleep in the afternoon for the first time in about two months to catch up with sleep. In the evening I felt so fresh that I could do anything in the world. That freshness was destroyed when my senior found out one mistake that I made and made a hell of a mess out of it.

The truth gets revealed

Sometimes patients can be so depressing! One very affluent patient, actually a law student, created hell for me in the evening. This patient was supposed get discharged today in the morning. But because the necessary 'op-sheet' was not handed over to me by my sir, I wasn't able to do it on time. The above formality was finally done just before I went to the OPD. Obviously, I couldn't go late to the OPD because of the pending discharge sheet which needed to be completed. The message was passed on to the patient.

But they weren't agreeing to wait. They sent people over the OPD and I promised them I'll come to finish up the paperwork by 5.30 pm. Our OPD finished at about 4.30 pm and I was so happy to get some free time to catch up on a newspaper + sandwich + chocolate. I was walking to my room at around 5.10 pm from my he-bitch called me and started shouting at me. Why? Cuz I didn't go to the patient directly after the OPD. Apparently the patient's relatives had created havoc by going and requesting my lecturer to fill up the discharge.

I was getting to the patient when I saw my friend-resident psychiatrist on the way. I just said pleasantries when the he-bitch went bustled beside me with a snort on his face. I had to follow him and hear the bitchings. After that I went and argued with the patient with regard to this impolite behaviour. Thanksfully the he-bitch also did the same.

That let out the frustration. After that the he-bitch took round and was again bitching about everything. I finally had enough and I told him how bad I felt about myself and the fact that I was thinking about the choice of my course etc. That sort of quietened the he-bitch. He went back to his room nodding his head. Who knows what ill-fortune's up next on my way?

Beer problems

I'm having these irritating headaches on the morning after having beer. Hangovers, huh? I hate them. Maybe I shouldn't take alcohol at all.

Confirmation

The hot dude I was talking about yesterday works in the hospital itself. I found him in it nearabouts yesterday. That's a good sign. I hope I can run into his appendage one day.

King Kong between the double emergency

I'm crazy. People have told me that. This sort of proves it. I am sleep deprived. And the time I got to sleep between the double emergency this weekend, I went out with my friends for watching 'King Kong'. Needless to affirm the boredom related to the length of the movie, I dozed off in the midddle. Even the roaring ape failed to awaken me. But hafta tell ya, the grafix were awesome.

The unforgiving COLD

As I had mentioned previously, the couple of 'cold's are haunting me. The affliction is persistently accounting for gallongs of slimy green mucus running out of my right nostril everyday. The weather is doing its bit but I'm prepared to weather it. The first step was to get a sweater. I got one by asking one of my friends to get it for me. She, as nurse, got a blue sweater for me. It looks decent. But it is cheap and it smells like gunny material. But tha point is it is comfortable!

Got back on board WorldSpace!

Although the title of my post suggests of a particular bias for WorldSpace (India's only satellite radio service provider), it is so true. Over the last 8 months or so, I have realized that WorldSpace was the single most thing that I missed most after joining my course.

If you want to know how and why it happened, here is. The subscription to the service was about to expire. I was planning to renew it for about a few months now. But nothing worked out. I couldn't find time to go out to the shop in Andheri and give the payment. Neither could my sister do it as she used to for the past two years. This meant that I had to do something different.

Firstly, I took the receiver from Xander's apartmetn. That 'difference' came as an advertisement on the Times of India daily. I got a phone number. I rang them up and they said that they can arrange for someoneto collect the money from me. The customer service was satisfactory and within 36 hours of my call, they managed to install a new external antenna (on top of my hostel). Now I can listen to all the cool channels like 'BOB', 'Radio Voyager' etc.

Hot hot man

These days, I'm aware that I'm writing less and less about sex. As I reflect on the problem, I realize that I hardly get time to think about it. All I get is to shag. And I 'grab' that with all limbs whenever the opportunity presents.

But today, things were different. I saw this gorgeous 55+ year old on the lift. He was a balding, grey haired guy with a stern look and he had a thin beard as well. The striking thing about him was his posture and his style of dressing. Light shirt, grey pants (both well fitting) and pair of shiny black shoes. To top it off, a pair of large, taut nipples making it was through the cotton of his vest and shirt. So hot!

He got off at a floor where I was not supposed to get off. I couldn't resist but follow him. I did and I found him going to one labaoratory. He went in. I decided to wait for some time. I went in unsure of what to expect. I peeked around and I thought I saw a glimpse of him sitting in a corner but another guy interrupted me and asked me who I was searching for. I didn't have the courage to pursue further and left by mumbling something like 'I was looking for another resident.'

Wow, in the few moments before I might have met him and talked to him, I was framing stupid questions like 'I think I have met you before. Were you on a train last week?'

May's money

May had called me on Sunday evening. She said that her parents were pestering her about the fact that she didn't take back the money that she had given for the IPod Nano. I felt really bad about that. I had to give it back. She sent her servant at home to collect money from me. That happened today. Now I feel okay. But now her folks have entrusted me with finding out something about a new prospective bridegoroom for hr.

Cold + Cold

Oooh, it is so cold these days. I don't have a sweater even. It is so chillly in the morninggs and I can barely stand it while I walk around in the hospital. To worsen my misery, I have a cold which has not yet subsided. But I know that without taking rest, gargles etc, it won't come down. But what I can do? Actually, I have already asked one sister to get me a decent sweater. I hope to wear it and work int he ward soon.

Forgetfulness

I don't know if I'm growing old but I'm being forgetful in my work and that is hurting me a lot. I can attribute it to the lack of sleep or rest. But then I wouldn't want any excuses in this matter. I want myself to be perfect. But that can't be right?

Xander's troubles

As I'm going through my most troubled time in life, I get a phone call from Xander saying that he's considering quitting his job. I must admit that this is not the first time that he's saying this to me. But still, this is scary. He said that it is very hard to work in his office environment which he considers as 'hostile'. Apparently, the guys are making him work more than ever and are not offering him any raises. When I asked him what his options were, he said he might go abroad. That would mean disaster to our little dream of a band.

Not feeling totally well

About a couple of weeks back, I had an episode of respiratory infection which I didn't take care of. It is bothering me still. Still, I'm having occasional febrile episodes, with blocked noses and sore throats. I bought myself the drugs which I'm supposed to take. But still don't find the time and space to remind myself that I should be taking them regularly.

Back on the PC

It's been a looooooong time since I sat on a computer and blogged like normal bloggers. Yeah, I think I feel like I've lost the touch of it. But still I'll try to compensate. I'm a little short of time but stil...

Songs on the phone

The best part of having an mp3 phone is that you can listen to them at all time. Look, I haven't used my headset even once but I still listent to the few mp3s on my phone through the crappy external speakers on the phone a lot. That is so much of fun.

Updates from home

The best news of the week is that Dr. R has passed his exam. That is so wonderful. It's a shame that I've still not been able to talk to him properly since. For that matter, I've not been able to talk to anyone from home properly. Only Ray has talked to me. Nothing decent from Chuck and other friends. May calls on almost all Sundays. She's preparing for the coming exams. My sister has visited home and had some nice time. My Pops and Moms are fine.

Food flood

I don't go out to eat too frequently. This past four weeks, I think I went out only thrice. The trend has changed. I am getting food from just about everyone in the hospital. From servants, relatives, friends, relatives etc. It is so much of fun. And I'm enjoying it.

Browsing for porn

To browse for Porn on a phone is cumbersome. The worst part of it is to not be able to save the images that you love. My operator's GPRS charges are so high that I have to really be careful while browsing. I still manage to view some awesome pictures in the archives that I've depended on for so long.

Humiliation put to an end

After the last time I posted about humiliation in front of everyone, I was so down that I felt like SMSing my 'godfather' in the hospital. He is the only one who has even come close to sensing my career dilema etc. In the SMS I used the words 'desperate', 'end', 'life', 'career' etc. Naturally, when you connect all those and put a few sentences, the condition would appear emergent. The results showed.

In a couple of days of that SMS, a few comforting SMSes came. Finally, the 'godfather' and his good friend came and talked to me. They asked me through and through about the problems. Then they must have talked to my present 'he-bitch' registrars. Now, for the past three days, it has been 'Shaanit' (ie. 'Peace' in Hindi, Sanksrit and even other South Indian Languages.)

Thanks Mr. Godfather!

Great photos

I know that I love photography. Having a camera phone is very useful unlike what I had thought before. Now, I click at anything picteresque around. 'The Sheraton' is my favorite 'thing' to be photographed. I have over a dozen images on my phone which are too cool. I so wish I could get them on this blog.

Hopelessly hopeless

This is certainly the darkest phase in my professional life. I've been ridiculed, insulted, harassed by my seniors. They say that I'm lazy, lethargic in work and I've no sincerity or honesty in working. Irresponsibility, rudeness and apathy are the other terms that I've heard about myself. I know that I'm partially to be blamed for what happened as a 'cause' to all this. But this hurts me. I'm now the exact opposite of what I wanted to be. I don't know how I'll make it through this phase.

Meeting Xander

Lots of weeks must have passed (to actually find how many, I might have to look back in the blog archives) since I found time to go to Xanders. I went yesterday night and I spent some time with him. That is what he had asked for. He had called earlier in the day and scared the shit out of me. He had said that it has been too long and he's not finding music interesting. He said that he needed to see me at least to bring some inspiration. It sounded sort of desperated and I even thought that he was making up all the statements for just getting me there.

I reached at around 1 AM. That is too late ain't it. I ate good food which he had ordered. We talked and then we actually jammed some songs. I was just singing. Then I had to leave at around 3 AM. Naturally, he was unhappy about the ending. As always.

The psychiatrist's help

My favorite Psych resident still advises to me to try out drugs for my sleep problem (I'm sleepy on working times in the OTs). These drugs are apparently very powerful and can derange my normal healthy sleep cycle. After a lot of coaxing, she has talked to a lecturer about my problem and the lecturer wants to talk to me about this. But how do I find time to do all this?

Life in the 3G world

Today, my friend Jerry messaged me saying that he was working on developing 3G software for Nokia 6630. He asked me if I have access to 3G stuff here. I honestly didn't know and I admitted that I didn't. Whatever 3G actually means, but I love mobile technology. Look at what I'm doing now. After a tiring day, I'm at the toilet reading newspapers while browsing gay porn, blogging and listening to mp3s. Here

My reg is a he - bitch

I hate the way things are shaping up in the hospital these days. That's just because of my registrar. He's alp from down south but he's bitchy to say the least. Somehow, he's very tense always and he lets his tension out on me and my co-houseman. I hate him.

Washing up with a bear

These two posts are actually re-posts of earlier ones which did not come out good the first time. Some glitch with the Opera browser I guess. Coming to the point. The title might mean a lot to gay men. Me and a bear in a tub. Ooh la la la... In actuality, I wash assisting my Nu Professor for the first time in a major case. He's a true bear. And almost handsome. He has nice hands and feet and his voice, though not husky, is sexy cool. Let's just say that I was in some erotic dreamland during the whole surgery. Ha ha.

Bird neck

I've this super cool lecturer in the hospital who's knowledgeable and respected. He's too good surgically. He's fit and has a muscular body. The only couple of problems being his arrogance and his bird like appearance from neck up. That's okay you say. Well it ain't is what Kris says. After all it is all what matters - from the neck up.

My registrar is a he - bitch

Washing up with a bear

Shag when the time comes

In my hospital lingo, shag means to struggle with something. But the regular meaning still has it's use for me. I actually shagged in OT time. Whoa, and that too a quickie! I don't know what the stimulus was. But I have a suspicion that it had something to do with the lack of sleep these days.

First one from my Nokia 6630

Wow, I can't believe it. I'm posting one message from inside the OT. This has got to be the height of mobile technology.:)

First one from my Nokia 6630

Wow, I can't believe it. I'm posting one message from inside the OT. This has got to be the height of mobile technology.:)

Zonked

I don't know if there is a word called 'ZONK'. I (We) use it to represent a state of indisposition when you don't expect the condition to improve soon. Usually we tend to associate this word with elderly patients who have big time problems when it comes to fitness for surgery. But right now, I'm using it for myself. I'm zonked. I am very sleepy and I'm very tired. And I'm getting scolding for everything I do (and I don't).

The lost son

For four days, my mobile phone was off. I couldn't find time to go out and get a new battery. During this time, I didn't even get time to tell my family and friends about this. The whole thing got so blown up and my sister called Xander up to enquire about me. Naturally, Xander had no clue either. Finally, he called me up on my ward and let me know about the fact that everyone is worried. Today, I called up folks and told them about the my status. They are okay. I'm okay as well. I'll have to get a new battery for my phone anyway!

New mobile phone plans`

I know that I can easily restore primitive mobile functions by buying a new battery for my mobile. But I want to buy a new one. Something with which I can browse the internet and stuff. I think I'm a crazy guy. Or else, how would you reason with me on this decision. Remember that I don't have too much of cash and I lost my wallet the other day.

3 days in the ward

The last three days have been so busy that I have not gone to the room at all. I didn't change or wash my face even. Two days of OT and the day in between went just like that. The only saving grace is that there wasn't too much of sweating in between. Therefore, not too much stink.

These days

I just noticed the little comment under my photo on the blog. 'I don't know what's in store, but I'm going to love it'. Undoubtably it is overoptimistic. But I doubt the truth in the statement in my present situation. Lack of any free time, lack of sleep and scoldings for everything from my seniors. Doesn't look good at all!

New mobile phone plans

I know that I can easily restore primitive mobile functions by buying a new battery for my mobile. But I want to buy a new one. Something with which I can browse the internet and stuff. I think I'm a crazy guy. Or else, how would you reason with me on this decision. Remember that I don't have too much of cash and I lost my wallet the other day.

Sluttiness with elderly male servants

My liking for older men reflects very well in the way I interact with other personnel in the hospital. I'm very talkative with the male servants all over the theatres and the wards. These days, I'm so close that they talk about sex, erections etc. in front of me. I enjoy them pulling legs and other things (referring to a particular incident a while back). This state of 'buddyhood' has developed so far that some have started asking me for tablets for erection problems. I managed to get four Viagra pills to a couple of servants in the OT. They are so happy. I'm more popular than ever!

Reopine

I think I need to reframe the opinion about my co-houseman now. I said that he was good. But he's unreliable. Just because of his lapse, which is a major one (Don't worry. No patient was harmed due to this), we got fired again. I so wish I could find more time to check everything as to avoid getting fired.

Mobile troubles 2

I managed to go again. But the problems seem to be increasing. My mobile’s not getting charged. It is showing ‘charging’ when not charging. Everything’s fucked. I wasted around 2 hours behind this today and I was late to the ward for evening rounds. I received a big round of shouting from seniors. The misery didn’t end there. I had to stay awake almost through out cuz patients didn’t have blood for their surgeries tomorrow.

Mobile troubles 1

My mobile phone is giving me problems. For that, I took it to a mobile doctor who is also from Kerala. He, I thought, did well to solve the problems with the keypads and the body. But other problems with charging and vibrator were created. I don’t know if I’m going to get it repaired soon. Without either of the present problems getting corrected, my life’s a misery.

The 27th year of my life begins

When I got up from sleep the only thing that was on my mind was to get to the ward and do my morning duties before the OT. I didn’t even brush. Put on a tee, sprayed deo and ran. I reached in time. Did my work. And reached the theatre. Not much of hassle.

In about 10 minutes, I realized… FUCK, IT’S MY FUCKEN BIRTHDAY! Almost like an afterthought came the phone from my sister. One of my seniors understands my native tongue. He picked up that it was my b’day. The whole OT knew.

My ego sets in. I want to please everyone. Give a treat. I order a cake. I order candles. I light them. I invite everyone over. I blow the candles of. I cut the cake and distribute. Too much of ‘I’ in here I suppose. The cake fells short in quantity. I order another. That would turn out to be still not enough. I order sweets. This went on till the next day.

In the end, everyone is happy. I feel satisfied despite the fact that I did everything. But I’m like that anyways.

Changes which I felt after a week

The changeover has not been smooth. I still forgot to do many things that are compulsory for this unit. Therefore, the seniors are unhappy. But I’m not. I’m happy that I’m working in a unit which is much better than the one I was in. And because of that, I’m feeling less sleepy while I’m in the OTs.

Emergency

My first emergency in the unit passes by peacefully. For making up for the shabby work that the houseman before was doing, I had to do a lot of ‘mobilisation’ to get new stuff for the unit. If you can’t get what I’m trying to say, I’m sorry I’m not going to be able to explain it in the blog!

:(

Nothing much. No news from anyone about the wallet. The news about my wallet spreads. I inform my father and mother and my sister. They promise me to help with money. In this aspect, I have a good family.

My wallet gets stolen

The strangest incident happened. Picture this; me in ward sitting on a bench near the counter were doctors and sisters sit. I was talking on the mobile with my parents when they asked me for the number of my ATM card. With only one hand to work with, I take my bulky wallet out and try to swiggle the card out. I manage the fulfill my purpose but in doing that, the wallet falls down on the ground beside my feet.

Enter into the scene, the scariest registrar in the department. He looks unhappy at me leisurely talking on the phone with parents at 8 pm. He asks me something and passes by. I reply in short and get back to my confused Dad at the other end of the mobile connection.

Enter into the scene a relative asking me to write something on a form so that his work can be done. I ask him to wait.

By that time, I put down the phone. Enter into the scene a good, efficient servant. He asks me about the card that I’m holding in one hand. We chat about that while I get up from the bench go to the desk in front and scribble something on the relative’s form.

I turn back, there is no wallet. I search everywhere but in vain. The only doubt is the annoying registrar who can keep it hidden cuz he felt so. I call him up. He acts strange but says no about the wallet. I search everywhere once again. My registrar comes. He does not understand the significance of my wallet’s loss (along with Rs. 3000 and licenses).

I am shaken by the episode. But I still leave a complaint at the security office in the hospital as well as the concerned police chowky. No hopes, but still…

Bad 'over'

The bad ‘over’ certainly did leave it’s trace in the OT today. We fucked so much up that the registrar were upset and had to fire us. And by ‘we’, I mean me and my fellow houseman who, contrary to what I expected, is not dumb. He is efficient, but not fun. I like more fun than efficiency. I like me. Ha ha ha…

The first day, new unit

The first day in the new unit passes off peacefully. There is a lot of confusion because of the shabby ‘over’ I was given. But still, I’m happy. I’m posted with the cooler of the two registrars. That would mean more peace in life. But the workload is heavier. The second registrar who I’m posted with is one of the nightmares in our department. But he seems okay as well.

The day when my home state was born

November first is 'Keralappiravi Dinam'. This is the day when the state of Kerala is supposed to have been created by Parasuram after throwing his axe far and wide into the Arabian sea. The sea is supposed to have receded to give the beautiful landscape Kerala now has.

The funda with this day is that, people get dressed up in traditional clothes in Kerala. I wanted to wear traditional clothing but because I'm changing units I don't think I can.

The day before

The day before I joined my is turning out to be a dull day. Nothing much to do. But a fear of novelty overhanging. I guess that is there in all facets of life. I'm just getting really worried about a senior who is known to physically abuse his juniors. I'm under him for the next six months. Naturally, I should feel scared.

After joining this unit, I'll have more days in the OT. That means less free time to even go out and pay my bills. I hope I can manage somehow.

October's so cool

There is something about October in Mumbai that is so very cool. Cool as in literally cool as well as the slang cool. The shades of sun at dawn and dusk are just lovely. The air is fresh. Not too much of heat as comparted to yesteryears. I feel very happy to even walk around in the wards. It is just on the chillier side which is the only bad aspect from my point of view. I'm so thin and scrawny, I can't stand low temperature.

Change of units

Today was a busy day with taking over from my next unit mates. Got some free time in the afternoon and went out and had a lunch at McDonalds in the mall. Then I went to Xanders. I couldn’t enjoy playing music as usual. Because of the fact that my bass guitar’s one pick was not working. I want to get it repaired soon.

JAK's buy

I must have mentioned sometime back about JAK, a fellow resident in Anaesthesia who is from my home state. He was my only hope of using my mother tongue in this hospital. Therefore, I had expected our friendship to blossom. The first few days when we had to stay at Xander’s changed all that. I and Xander were irritated by JAK’s various habits and behavioural pattern. Nothing all that bad. Just irritating stuff.

One of the habits which I really hated was the habit of keeping tabs of his spendings on his laptop computer. That too upto paise. Otherwise, he was very analytical in his spending practices. He’s also fond of good gadgets.

Recently he bought a Nokia 6620. He had showed it to me a few weeks back. I didn’t think highly of it. Just an expensive phone.

Yesterday night, he came with that mobile for doing something for a patient in the ward. He said that he’d taken GPRS and it was so much of fun.

In about 20 minutes time, I checked the phone and GPRS stuff and found that it was too good. I could read tabs, check mail, maybe even blog had I got such a phone. WOW!

Two things are highlighted here. One is the fact that JAK is a very intelligent objective buyer. Secondly, such a purchase could change my life. But how do I do that?

Suspicion

There is this colleague of mine who is very interested in women. He always talks about having sex and women with me. When I appear disinterested he is sort of pissed. Today, as we were having food out, he was commenting on the hot shapes. After about five minutes hoping for a response from my side he asked me ‘Kris, are your testosterone levels low? I couldn’t help but smile and appear like I am staring at someone’s breast.

Touching up

I want to assure you guys that whatever I did in the morning today, was purely accidental. I was very sleepy when I went to the Operation Theatre to give the list of patients to be shifted. I didn't notice that the head sister, a relatively hot woman (in the view point of straight guys) was standing close. When I went to grab at a piece of paper at the desk, my hand accidentally hit this sister's butt. She was startled and I said sorry. She asked me to never do it again!

The servants (all male) totally enjoyed this. I did it as well. Well, don't misunderstand me. I enjoyed it because I made some hot servants think dirty. I was so aroused by activating dirty sexual thoughts into them that I was erect most of the time in the OT under scrubs

I'm really unbelievable.

A gift from an MR

Although I am sort of against the MR's (Medical Representatives) offers and gifts, I had to accept this huge gift of a heater cum oven. I'm planning to send it to Mom as a belated birthday present. That should make her extremely happy. If I don't manage to do that, Xander will be happy to have it at the apartment as well.

Not finding time

However less busy I'm, I'm not getting time to call my friends and family. Sometimes, I forget it completely. I don't know what I should be doing about this. The fact that I'm going to be busier scares me. Maybe I'll lose all contacts with my friends in the coming 6 months. Come on, that is so scary!

Sleepy and tired

Whenever I decide to devote some time to my private life, I end up screwing my professional life. Yeah, the sleeplessness had remarkable and drastic effects at the emergency. I was so sleepy that my seniors gave me firing. What should I have done? Not go to Xander's?

Monday night at the apartment

The guilty conscience was ripping me apart. Add to it a short message service message (looks weird ain't it - I meant an SMS message) from Xander saying 'Kris, it's been a while... and we're supposed to be in a band' which made me feel extremely sorry for the decision I made on Saturday. What did I do? I got out of the hospital around 11. At home, I found Xander and P. lounging with Rum and guitars. Xander was not drunk. Therefore, we played a lot of tunes and we sounded great. Expecially 'Rooster' and 'Sludge Factory' by Alice In Chains.

But we got loud and one of the irritating neigbhors gave us a warning to stop playing loud. Xander got very pissed. Then we talked about various issues including my problems with my parents and family. After that he asked me a strange question which still bothers me 'Kay, In a love relationship, when do you decide that it is enough?'

After that, I came back at around 3 in the morning. I have to do lots of work tomorrow baby. And I'll be sleepy throughout emergency.

Goody Sunday

After a heavy emergency on Sunday, I felt guilty of one single thing. Yesterday night, I was free by about 10.30 pm. I could have gone to the apartment to meet Xander. Then I thought that I would sleep and be fresh for the emergency. I did that and for the first time in my residency life, had about 8 hours of continuous sleep. I felt wonderful throughout the day and had a great time in the Emergency. I felt that I was back to my best in my professional career.

Busy weekend ahead

This weekend's going to be busy with the double emergency. With Sunday and Tuesday being emergencies, I won't get time to do anything. I want to meet Xander sometime. I hope I can make it today evening.

A party

Not often has this occured. In fact, it is wrong. It is NEVER. I'm talking about dancing. But I did this. I danced at a 'party' thrown in by some Medical Representative. It was at a bar in Dadar. I danced to remixes in Indipop and Bollywood tunes. I had to join because of peer pressure and the coaxing of seniors. I know that I was very clumsy. But I sort of enjoyed it. In the end I wanted to learn a few good steps etc. Besides that, I drank 1 and half pint of beer and was okay after that!

Popularity Vs. Alcoholism

I must have typed in somewhere that I was not being very popular among servants in the past. But recently, I have found that its exactly opposite. One reason is that I'm talkative. I talk a lot. Why? Just like that is a reason. Another one being the fact that I like hanging around with men. I'm gay remember. This popularity certainly increases when I talk about taking beer/alcohol or talking about sex. Now, I talk freely about being a beeraholic. And they like me more!

Back into the groove

It didn't take much of time to get back into the groove. I didn't miss being at home. I just missed my friends. Why do I keep on reiterating this fact? I guess my friends are the most important people in my life.

Future's even busier

I am glad to announce that I've been posted (from next month beginning) to the best unit in my hospital. This basically means that my work has generally been appreciated and is considered to be good enough to be given posting there. That way, I've fulfilled my ambition. But the bad part of the deal is that I'll be totally over-worked there. I don't think I'll ever time to sit and blog. Also, no time for jamming or hanging out.

So friends, please co-operate. Its just six months. I'll blog as often as I can.

Shopping and sweets.

I really thought that the sweets that my Mom sent along with me were inappropriate for the purpose. But still, I distributed them. But before that, I shopped around for plastic containers for dispensing the sweets. In that process, I spent a lot of time at the Big Bazaar. It was fun. Then, I went to the wards and distributed the stuff. Most of the people thought that my 'aravanappayasam' (A type of payasam ie. kheer made with jaggery, sugar, gheer, rice etc) was inebriating.

After that, I cleaned up my room with the help of my room mate. Loads of shit out. After that, I'm so happy to sleep.

Back in Mumbai

It does feel different after the trip. The difference is a pleasant one. But things are definitely dirtier, smellier and sweatier in Mumbai. But it is fun! That's all I can say about this city which is basically rotting with its infrastructure but at the same time promising a better life to all its inhabitants.

Zen Micro gives true company

Although my travel times were not lengthy, I was given a great time by my Zen Micro which now features a lot more of Nu Rock! I'm starting to re-live those Limp Bizkit days of Crazy tones on the guitar with hanging notes and stuff. 'Show Me What You Got' is the typical meaningless Limp Bizkit song which is so interesting to listen to.

Plus, now that I have lots of Seether, I think they are a hell of a band. Great riffing. Great song construction etc. Highly listenable.

4 1/2 movies in a week

The time I was in my home town, I watched 4 movies in the theatre. The two Hindi movies 'Yahaan' and 'Kal - Yesterday & Tomorrow' were the best of the lot.

'Yahaan' is a wonderfully cinematographed movie based in Kashmir. It basically gives a good picture about what's happening in the terrorist infested society there. I and Ray gave 3.5 out of 5 for the movie.

'Kal - Yesterday & Tomorrow' is revolting in the way it is taken. The screenplay is minimal but the score and the visuals are filling. It is a crime thriller based in Mumbai coroporate circles. Nice concept. I gave it 3.5 again but Ray gave it 4.

'Grudge' was a total disappointment in every which way you looked at it. The only stand out good feature was the way the credits were displayed up-front; stuff written with ink in an aquatic environ - reminded me of Jellyfishes and Spongebob Squarepants. 2 out of 5

'Nerariyan - CBI' was the worst out of the lot. Immensely boring in all aspects. It should ideally be deleted from human memory as its prequels are far more entertaining. 1.5 out of 5.

Apart from these, I was able to watch half of the movie '2001: A Space Odyssey'. It looked 5 star. But disappointingly, the pirated DVD let me down.

Back with my friends

These last few days, I've been doing all the things that I love to do. Hanging out with Chuck, going to movies with Ray, talking with Dr. R etc. The only problem is that I can't find time to do anything else. I don't have time for my family or myself.

As I've mentioned, I've come here to celebrate my Mom's 60th birthday. In my family, this thing is celebrated with so much of religious functions and stuff that I find it extremely boring. Therefore, whenever I possibly could, I sneaked out and hung out with my friends.

Naturally, my family is not happy with me. But the prospect of explaining to all of my uncles and aunts as to why I'm like how I'm is driving me crazy and driving me away from them.

Why are hot Daddies always cool?

I have found this strange correlation between two of my desires. I desire to have hot looking Daddies. I desire to have a friendship with good persons. This is all good and fine.

One of my uncles is extremely hot and is one of the best persons who I have met. He's understanding and pleasant. He's one of the very few in my family who understand my psychology. I have not yet come out to him.

Now, the fact is that I'm attracted to him. Sexually or as a good person I don't know.

This is not the only case. I have observed that older men who look the part are generally great personalities. That applies to other uncles in my family as well.

I just want to know why it is like that?

At home when friends visited

I had invited a few of my friends over for a small party on the occasion of my Mom's birthday. There was a lot of confusion and mismanagement on the serving-food part o it. But that is fine cuz I really enjoyed being with my friends.

Amongst my closest friends, all except Dr. R. came. I didn't force him to come because he would have been out-of-place as all other friends of mine knew each other and stuff.

May had a surprising and shocking news for me. She said that she didn't like the idea of me mentioning her as my 'GF'. She seemed very upset with that. I tried explaining that it was essential for my survival in my hospital. Finally, she sort of reconciled. She even apologized for her outburst later on in an e-mail.

Back with Mr. Lion

WOW! Another wonderful wonderful 'discussion' materialized in the same hotel where I lost my 'virginity'. This time I was far more relaxed. Apart from the sex we had, there was this nice time when we spent hugging each other in the bed while talking about stuff.

Another prominent development during today's meeting is that I found myself good in deep-throating as well. Yeah, and I'm happy about it!

Booker prize

I'm so lost in myself that I forgot to even mention the booker prize for once in my blog. I think that must be due to the fact that I have very little time to even think about books in Mumbai.

Anyway, this year's Man Booker Prize went to John Banville's novel 'The Sea'

I don't know a thing about this novel or this guy. But this one's on my must-read list. That is along with Rushdie's 'Shalimar the Clown' and Seth's 'Two Lives'. SO very much is being written in the Indian press about the the two.

Horniness levels

I think I'm at my horniest in my life. I am so so horny that I want a piece of any good looking man that I see on the road.

The one and only solution was Mr. Lion - and I have arranged for a meeting. That's coming up in an hour or so.

Be back with hot updates!

A couple of movies

You know, I have told about the state of affairs here. The family concept is so weak in my system. All I need from them is money I feel. Otherwise, what is the point?

Today as well, I did what I wanted and didn't do anything what a normal family would cherish from a son who has come back after six months. I went to a movie with Ray in the night. This is after the late night movie that I went for yesterday. The only respite being the fact that my sister and brother in law were around with me.

I had hoped to talk to Ray in detail. But that didn't work out. We hope to do it later tomorrow.

Catching up with everyone

The disappointment with my sister does seem to linger on as my experiences with my close friends were not as I expected. Ray was busy at the hospital as it was his emergency. Dr. R. was back at home and is expected to come in a couple of days. Chuck was busy with his wife. He couldn't find time on the phone. And finally when I went to Chuck's place the conversation was indeed superficial. It couldn't touch the heartening depths that we used to reach.

But hey, wasn't this expected? Well, umm... Yeah, I'd have to guess. But still, I want more. I need more.

My life in Mumbai was the toughest question to answer. And I did my very best to wrap it up in a glittering red paper with a silver ribbon and present it to my friends. That wasn't as tough as I had expected it to be.

I didn't even try to spend time with my family. Instead, I was more interested in the gay porn, downloadable music and other things that the internet had to offer. That is so mean.

What a bitch that I actually am?

Action online after so long

I think I'm an internet addict. As soon as I came home, I logged on to the internet and started doing all those things that I have been missing. Downloading music, browsing websites, watching gay porn. Also I jacked off watching my friend Curt from across the seas. Wow, what an experience. The only problem is that now I'm worried if I'll have enough firepower left to impress Mr. Lion when we might meet later on in the day. But the reply hasn't come yet. Therefore it is okay I suppose.

A day in a train

A full day in a train with not so interesting people can be boring. It would have been had it not been for my mp3 player. Apart from that I slept for about 10 hours in the train in day time. That's enough of catch up time for anyone. Also, I ate tons of food. Not because it was so tasty, but because I had so much of free time to eat.

But the disappointing aspect of the journey is that I failed to connect with my sister once again. This is probably the third or fourth time after her marriage that I have tried and failed to connect in the way we used to. I think it is time to shove the past into a shelf and get on with the fact that my sister is no more my good friend.

The difference between

Switching from one Metro to another is not something which I do regularly. This is actually the first time I did that. But I could still feel the perceptible difference between the styles of the two. Mumbai - although the dirtier and disorganized of the two, is still the better one. I don't know how or why. I don't think I need to answer that question because it is purely inconsequential.

The flight

The message that I got from Ray just before I got on the plane read like this. 'Always keep your eyes open. You don't know when you end up striking gold'. In the context of men; the universal dictum of looking out for hot men, this held true. Although not as aggressive as him when it comes to hitting on a hot stranger, I did as he told. But the insomnia in the days preceding did dampen things a bit. But there was this hot hot co-pilot who explained about the security steps before the plane took off. Whoa, I felt so aroused when he demonstrated how to blow into the life-support bag.

From the Mumbai airport

This series of updates is from the Domestic Terminal of Mumbai airport while I'm waiting for my flight which is already delayed by half an hour. It is a blessing to access the internet when I had nothing else to do! I'm very happy also cuz I'm meeting my sister later on in the night. So long since we met!

Coming up later - Chuck, Ray, Dr. K and Mr. Lion etc. WHOA!

Disappointment

Xander just called in to say that he can't get the I Pod Nano as promised. He added that we'd have to pay approximately 16, 000 for each set. That is after all the taxes and shit of getting it imported from Singapore.

This is so fucken disappointing. I'm doing so well with Zen Micro that I can't wait to get hands on something even more smaller and lighter. I guess I'm selfish, but still, I want a Nano!

Handing over money

Today, I borrowed Rs. 6, 000 from a friend of mine on the pretext of paying rent for my apartment. Actually, I had taken it for my I Pod Nano. I got money from May's Dad as well for her I Pod Nano. With these, I went and met Xander. He was very happy to see me. I was happy too. He wants Jackfruit chips when I come back from my home.

Another new surgery

Yesterday, I did a surgery after a long long time. And again, it felt good! Now, I think I'm back in the groove. That means so much to me. I'm very happy. The X-rays have come out to be excellent. I have this knack of doing surgeries whose X-rays come to be better than expected.

On that note, my professor, who's a chooth (meaning Focker) (I guess you read about the woman who got shoved out of an aeroplane because she wore a T-shirt with pictures of W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Condolezza Rice and the caption 'Meet the Fuckers'), had the opinion that if you have to succeed in professional orthopaedics, you should know how to have good X-rays. That's cuz of a simple reason. People evaluate you on the basis of performance. In the case of Orthopaedician, it is based on how good the X-rays are.

At least, I have some quality within myself to make myself succeed in my professional career!/p>

Gigpad.com

I don't know if I have mentioned about this website in my blog. I guess I haven't. It is Gigpad.comf and it gives us information about the Indian rock scene. I ran across it about 4 months back. I think Xander suggested that I should try it. I have become a big fan of the site.

Currently, it is being updated. That is great news. A site which is already very good and informative getting upgraded sound awesome. I wanted to read up on reviews and message board posts on I Rock XX. Because of the udpates, there was this one report; by some Anuj Gupta (I surely must have seen him in at I Rock). What struck me first was that it looked so much like the wrestling event reviews in the Pro Wrestling sites. The language, the style, the colors; everything!

I guess Alternative Rock/Metal scene is so associated with Professional Wrestling that even the websites look the same.

Medicis rocks

I bought this Medicis CD from the CounterCulture stall at I Rock. Wow, they absolutely rock! They sound almost like any other Althernative Rock Metal band from abroad. Lovely vocals, riffs and recordings! And now I know why - they are basically french in origin!

Sorted music in Zen Micro

I'm listening to my Zen Micro having all of my favorite song sorted out in a huge playlist. It sounds so cool! I really really recommend anyone interested in music to try and buy an mp3 player and start grooving!

I Rock Day XX - Day 2

I finally got Xander back on his feet with all the pills that I could lay my hands upon and excessive coaxing that I could muster up. He agreed to come to the gig on day 2. This day we started out in a cab which. It felt like eons to reach to the show (Lesson No. 1 in Mumbai - if you know how to get in and out of Suburban Trains, never ever use road to travel).

When we reached bands had already started playing. The out of the new bands, Demonic Resurrection and PDV sounded out of the world. Although I must admit that PDV's vocalist left a lot to be desired as compared to the instrumentalists, their bass and drums sounded awesome. I was so impressed that I went and talked to the bassist and the drummer. Interestingly enough, the drummer also plays in three other bands! Whoa!

Xander, I came to know, was not interested in laying the foundations for contacts in the Mumbai rock circuit. He thinks that we are too early to do this. But I think that it is worth it.

I went out to eat lovely pork and lamb with Xander at his favoritest restaurant in Mumbai - Oasis (Andheri). On the way back I did something that I have always dreamed of doing - ridiing in a car listening to good music. Of course, I was in a cab and we had Go 92.5 FM dishing out hit after hit.

Nice day. First of all, I got another off day from hospital. I'm so darned lucky! Then I hung out with Xander and played some riffs. Then I Rock XX. And then the food. And then the ride back home! Fundastic!

I came back to the hospital late. I could'nt sleep cuz of bedbugs, newspapers and other reasons. I'm going to have to find some time to sleep sometime later today.

Nano and the muddle of finances

Xander gave me a deal which is hard to ignore. In fact it is so appealing that I'm going to go for it. He'll get I Pod Nano's at Rs. 6500 a piece. Wow! I was so happy to hear that. But then disappointed climbed on me like a shadow from behind. I have to pay for the half yearly rent of the apartment. I have to buy my friends and mom some things when I go back home. And I have to pay for the Nano as well.

Suddenly the harsh realities of life strike me. I might have to cut down on food. And I might have to borrow money from home as well as friends to work things out.

Whatever it is, I want the Nano. I have read reviews and I love my mp3 player (which I'm listening to now) too much. I'll borrow from a friend.

Hopes and expectations with fear and despair

The title of this posts looks and sound weird. That is because of the emotional rainbow that I went through the whole day.

Hopes and expectations first. Fear and despair next.

1. 
   
   
   
   • It typified the period in the early morning when I tried to put in extra effort to be alert in the OT.
     
   • I felt sleepy again. I got ridiculed again. My guide asked me if I was interested in Orthopaedics at all.
     
   
   
2. 
   
   
   
   • During the time period between noon and early afternoon, I hoped to get out early so that I could reach I Rock early.
     
   • One of my cases got delayed beyond the expectations. Then I was asked to take X-rays for all the patients. All this when everyone around must have known how important it was for me to go to I Rock.
     
   
   
3. 
   
   
   
   • When I called Xander to ask if he was coming or not.
     
   • Xander said that he had work. I even suspected that he was just getting back at the fact that I always act busy.
     
     
   
   
4. 
   
   
   
   • When I finally caught a fast train to Andheri while running about 200 metres through the crowded Dadar station.
     
   • I couldn't get out at Andheri. I had to go all the way to Borivali, come back, get in a rick, get stuck in a rick and then reach the venue by 8. Late by two hours. But later by an hour as compared to the possibility of getting down at Andheri in town. I missed three news bands in the competition. That included 'Vertigo' which eventually won.<
     
   
   

Whatever it was, I went and stood in the front just next to the barricade and rocked. Most of the show was awesome. Helga's Fun Castle rocked thus reaffirming my earlier views on them. Zero's PSP 12" brought a pre-orgasm to me. Vayu's guitars and the oldie covers rocked as well. I bought some new CDs from Indi Rock bands as well.

But even better was the fact that I went and met the bassist of Zero. He looked genuinely interested in a conversation with me. I got his e-mail ID as well.

Then came the disappointment again. I called up Xander to realize that he is having fever again - must be a Malarial relapse. I went back the hospital to get medications and the paraphernalia for collecting blood samples etc.

I reached our apartment at around 1 AM in the night to find Xander okay. There were Xander's friends as well as his neighbor from his native place. We chatted for a bit. After which, I started the work of getting all the Indi Rock bands on the Zen Micro.

I hate it

Look, because of my lack of sleep as well as the tiredness which sets in after doing something whch doesn't go with the rest of myself (mobilizing the BMC servants to do something on the wards), I left a couple of jobs for the next day despite being ordered to do it that come whatever may.

I got fired for that. I'm very upset with that. They are calling me inefficient. They are alleging me that I'm not interested in work and I don't put my heart in this enough. I don't want such things to happen. I hate that.

To drown all the miseries, one of the lovely sisters in our wards brought me and another houseman fish, fish and more fish. Lovely meal! The only problem is that she's leaving the ward to go to work in another ward. During the meal, I had a good conversation with this houseman who had lucid clear thoughts and opinions on my situation. That was sort of unexpected.

What a surprise!

Wow! Having had a depressing day, I would haven't expected this for a surprise. I Rock XX is going to happen this weekend. In two fucken days! Can you believe that. Now I will have to work out my permissions again. But I don't think that I'll have too much of a problem because everyone knows how I love that.

Hurting questions

I really hate when people sort of drive in facts that you wish were not true. Especially if it with me. I was sleepy throughout the theatre today. Two of my seniors kept of commenting about my appartent disinterest in Orthopaedics and the fact that if I'm not assisting properly in the surgeries.

How I wish I could explain to them that it was because I was unable to sleep properly and the fact that I needed sleep. But that doesn't work out guys!

In the evening, I managed to drown my miseries while listening to the radio. Yeah, it works for a bit.

Efficient

As I told you guys, I was very sleepy yesterday at the emergency. I had to take a nap and I got a 2 hour solid period. I felt thoroughly refreshed after that. Then came the next best thing. I took time out to read paper and shower during the morning hours. This is the first time that I'm doing any such thing between the time period of 9 AM and 5 PM.

All this while the other people were waiting for the grand rounds to happen. That never happens dear reader in the unit that I'm working. Besides, I had a reason to go back to the room.

It must have been the nap which I took in the night. I was fresh throughout the day and I finished most of my stuff early enough in hope of sleeping early. But as usual, something turned up in the night and I had to sleep in the ward for about 4 hours.

Another sleepy emergency

I don't know how I ending fucked up each and every emergency. Today as well, I'm feeling sleepy all throughout. That's because I'm not sleeping early enough on pre-emergency days. See this is were time management in my life gives up. I shouldn't have eaten out you might say. Yeah, alright. But then, don't I deserve something good once in awhile.

Fit for surgery

Yesterday evening, after I had returned from my escapade of sorts, I reached my ward where my blood tests had arrived. And guess what! I was very very fit for surgery. I had enough blood in my body to survive two major orthopaedic surgeries!

Along with that, I awaited reports of the rest of the reports including my seropositivity status.

Another good thing happened yesterday night. I and my co-houseman went to a famous Marvadi resturant chain in South Mumbai. I can't recall their name. No, I get it now. BCTC - Bhagatchand Tarachand! But we had a great time there eating buttered up chappathis and curries. To top things off, we had two pints of buttermilk. Lovely evening!

Updates

• Mr. Lion - I've requested for a 'meeting' with him when I visit home
  
• Ray - has had an episode of 'cruising luck' last week. He got shagged off by a middle aged men
  
• Chuck is hanging out with his former best friend who's visiting home from the UK. He's otherwise enjoying life as a groomed Orthopaedic resident
  
• May, who has passed the diploma course she was doing, is planning to give exams to get a Degree course. She also has plans to go the US as a Plan 'B'.
  
• Dr. R. - nothing new. He is about to leave the hospital in hometown as his exams are coming up. I hope to meet him when I visit and continue the wonderful friendship.
  
• My sister - is worried about what's happening with me. I would love to catch up with her when we meet at Chennai to head home next to next weekend.
  
• My parents are anxious to see me. My Mom's having her 60th birthday in October 2nd week which is going to celebrated in our family. That is why I'm going down under within in India.
  

Blood tests

Today, I'm undergoing blood tests. Routine tests and some special tests for arthritis. After that, I came out on my 'Dentist visits'. I activated National roaming as I can't believe that in less that two weeks, I'm going home on vacation.

Listening and Learning

I cleaned up my room after I came from Xanders. Then I went to the ward. Was very happy. Another reason to cheer was that the news of my 'girlfriend' being in Mumbai was spreading. Everyone was asking me. I was happy to play happy. That sure relieves some pressure of me.

In the night, I spent some nice time reading to Orthopaedic theory (whoa, after a long long time) while listening to Incubus, System of a Down etc on Zen Micro. By the way, it has an excellent Album of the day function. Why did I venture out to do that? Because my guide in my MS course wanted me to start that.

Sunday Morning Call

Yesterday nights events, along with the fact that I didn't sleep okay forced me to ask for permission for half-day off on a Sunday. Actually, it isn't much of a problem taking this. The morning rounds, where nothing happens is a half an hour issue. I asked my co-resident to cover up for me.

After doing that, I slept. Xander and me got about 1 AM. After that, Xander, who didn't remember anything from the night, started playing some metallica riff. I was finishing up on sorting my mp3 player collection.

Then we spent some time jamming some metallica. Again it sounded great. As I was leaving, I told him about what had happened to me over the week. I also told him how hurt I was when he said those mean things when he got drunk. He was surprised and sorry to hear that.

But does that solve the problem? No it doesn't. I want him to stop drinking at least when I am there to jam. I have told him clearly that. I hope he thinks long and hard about it and does something about it.

Why the title? Because I, after a long time, have access to Oasis thru my Zen Micro - Sunday Morning Call is one of Oasis' songs.

At Xanders

Even as I was leaving for Xanders, I was feeling extremely happy and contended. I couldn't explain why. Maybe it was the fact that I was going home to jam. Maybe it was because I could get my Zen Micro back to working.

We did both of that. But Xander was drinking Rum. Before he got high enough to lose all senses we played some amazing sounding music. My Bass and the Baby Bass amplifier are making sounds worth millions these days. I was uploading music at the same time.

At about 3 AM, we started having dinner. Soon after that Xander lost it and started bitching about me. He said that I was selfish and I didn't want to practice. That's the reason why I didn't turn up for three weeks. This went on until he started his weird gesturing/acting dumb thing. I guess that it is the culmination of his 'high'. He started interrupting me playing my bass by tuning the guitar out. I lost my patience and I said that I don't want to talk to him.

Soon after, he slept of. I continued uploading songs.

Going to Alex's apartment
Feeling happy despite being shitty
uploading music to micro
Playing some lovely music
Alex and me when he's drunk

Things going wrong

Lots of bad things happened today.

• The tubing issue is still not sorted. Already, my co-residents have assured me that I wouldn't have problems with the anaesthesia department. But that was the falsest of all assurances. In the morning, I already got a call from the lecturer asking me to pay.
  
  
• Then I got a lot of rude comments from my seniors who said that I was not good at surgery and didn't not have the aptitude for Orthopaedics. Yeah, I'm not making it up. Just when I was doubting myself, they push me further into the hole.
  
  
• My lecturer examined my ankle and gave me differential diagnoses
  
  
  
  • Rheumatoid Arthritis
    
  • Gout
    
  • Tubercular Arthritis
    
  
  
  
• Another lecture from an anaesthesia lecturer over the phone did me in. She demands Rs. 8, 000 Rs. for the tubing!
  
  

I finally decided that I needed to take a break. I'm going to Xanders'.

The master and the servants

When I'm in the ward, I'm sort of the 'Master' and there are 'Servants' to work under me. There is no pun at all in the sentence preceding this even though it looks so like it has. Whatever! What I want to tell you is that I'm very happy with the servants in one of the wards that I work in. They are friendly, have sense of humour and are quirky in one way or the other. After last week's incident, I guess I'm trying harder as well. Anyway, I'm very happy. They warm my food when it comes as a parcel and stuff. I share it with them. Besides, there is this one servant which I would call BB who gives me a body to touch; in the good sense! hahaha

Evening out

Today, had a good evening. I went out to buy a table lamp (Study lamp sort of) because the tube light in my room (over my bed actually) went off a few days back. In that process, I saw some cute lamps. But, all were expensive and not fitting my budget.

Finally I went to an electrical shop and was I served by someone hot! Whoa baby! Totally hot! Except of unkempt hair. 50 ish, great smile, awesome voice, mushy, chesty, great forearms. I was disappointed at not achieving eye contact. I was so drooling with saliva that a lot of expensive electrical equipment were shortcircuited due to the slow, persistent dribble.

And he too goes...

If it is a coincidence or what, my patient gets worser on the OPD days. Honestly, I don't think that I am fit enough for sitting at the OPD. With this amount of sleep deprivation, I'd rather miss the OPDs. I'm making use of this time by catching up on my newspaper reading. Last few weeks, I was almost out of touch by about a week. After this week, I'll at least finish a day's newspaper on the day after.

Finally, in the afternoon, the patient died. I didn't try to revive him too much after strict instructions from seniors. But I felt bad that I couldn't do anything; even to a man who had little hope of making it.

Allegations

As always, my days cannot end without misery. Halfway through my OT day, the anaesthetists at the theatre, started bitching about. It was about a piece of tubing that came with the ventilator on which my patient is surviving. Apparently, a T-piece connector sort of thing which was supposed to be there is not there. And the blame is on me for losing it.

I'm dead sure that I didn't have it when the ventilator had arrived. That's for sure. I have witnensses to prove this. But still everyone started alleging me for professional inefficiency. That includes the hot sir at the theatre. Not only that, they want me to pay huge sums for a new set of the whole tubing. Obviously, I was hurt. I finally felt the cruelty that this world dishesout.

How adequate sleep can help

Overcompensating for my sleep yesterday, I assured that everything; and I mean every single possible thing went to plan the next day. Sure it did. And my seniors were happy. One thing that was clear from this episode that I need some adequate sleep to function like I'm used to working. Efficient, reliable and professional. These days, my skills aren't quite living upto the standards that I had set back at home.

zzzzz ZZZZZ zzzzz ZZZZZ ....

I slept for a whole 8 hours overshooting the official deadline by a solid three hours. My seniors were so enraged when I didn't come to ward as expected. My mobile was on silent mode and I didn't listen to the call. The alarm clock didn't ring properly I guessed. But the coincidence is that my co-resident also slept. I can't believe I did that.

Missing emerg

Yesterday night, I had to get the patient on the ventilator finally. For that I had to put in a lot of efforts to get one. My seniors weren't happy with what I'm doing because there was the slightest chance of the patient coming out of the ventilator. Besides, because I was in the wards, the things in the emergency got out of control. They asked me why I wanted to prolong the agony. Well, I can't explain why I would like to save the life of a patient.

In the night, I had to leave my patient in the ward and go to the emergency OT. There, I was struggling. One thing was the sleeplessness of the last three nights. The other thing was the ankle pain and swelling I got when I assisted a surgery without bandaging for some time. This is becoming worser by the minute.

Coming out officially...

I had sent a call to the Psychiatrist on call for the patient that I posted about last post. It was a lady who had seen a few calls for my patient in the last few weeks. I had already established a rapport with him. I have to admit it, she is a very interesting person to talk to. Almost bubbly with smiles and jokes. As we were talking about, we entered the topic of counselling. I enquired if she could suggest someone in the department for counselling.

After that she started asking me questions about my problems. I mentioned a few of my problems. Then she asked me if I have a girlfriend. Well, I had the urge to tell her that I'm gay. And I did that. She was, as you would expect, warm and accepting. After that, I'd lost all my inhibiions and we talked for a good hour or so. It was nice experience. For one thing, I came out officially. Secondly, I think I have a good prospective friend - her blogname would be Dr. T!

Topsy Tuesday

I think I'm not thinking about reverting back to long posts. Short sweet posts are easier to read and understand.

Yesterday night, as opposed to a routine pre-emerg day, I had a busy night trying to save the life of a patient. This patient, a young male who suffered trauma to his cervical spinal cord while carrying a headload went into respiratory failure. At first he deceived us first with symptoms of delusions and hallucinations. Retrospectively, he was in Carbondioxide narcosis. I had to stay awake during most of the night monitoring the patient. But that did pave way for an interesting conversation during the eventful night.

Apart from that, the tube light (fluorescent light) just stopped working. I called in the electricians. Apparently it will take some time to get it back on.

Strangenes with kids

Read '1251'. How would you read it?

• One thousand and fifty one
  
• Twelve fifty one
  
• Twelve five one
  
• One two five one
  

That's about it I guess. But check out the strangeness kids in general. This number was printed on a banner on top of a double-decker bus just ahead of me in the traffic snarl today. A family was riding on a motorcycle behind me. There was this 7 odd year old kid sitting up front and she said..

One twenty five one

!

This is why I hate kids. They are so strange. They are so irritiatingly strange.

Zen Micro's back

Whoa, baby! I went to get back the Zen micro half expecting a disappointing end to the work week. That's cuz I was not able to get in touch with the service center before I started on a Kiney. But it paid off, I got it. A brand new one with 1 month warranty. Fuck the warranty, I have my player.

I'm so happy.

I was singing on my ride back after getting another, this time expensive, FM radio. This is because I don't think I'm going to allow myself to carry my Zen Micro every day to the wardss. On the search for the FM radio, I stumbled on to a shop which has Ipods and its accessories. I asked them about Ipod Nano. They said it will be arriiving in a week's time. I couldn't believe my ears!

What a great day!

Wine-o-mania

I think I have quit beer. But have taken up wine. Yesterday, I read the wonderful article from NY times on DNA (I love the daily) about the pros and cons of Wine and Beer. Ever since, I wanted to drink wine. I executed that yesterday night itself when we guys (residents) went to the original Hazaara restarant where we get Tandoori and good food along with beverages. I had a great time.

Just one problem. Lots of farting! Yeah! I was so embarassed in the morning today when I had some space alone in the elevator. I let out a smelly fart. Immediately after, the elevator stopped to let in a distinguished looking gentleman who didn't look at me. But it was obvious. I was very embarassed.

May's plans

May has plans to migrate to the US. Since I too have plans, we were talking about it a lot. She asked me to research papers and publications in the time I'm doing my residency. She thinks that it was the most important thing for getting a good match in the USMLE. For that, I need a computer (a laptop) and a camera. Look at me, I'm spending on mp3s and a prospective brand-new mobile phone. Haha, me and my priorities.

Onasadya proper

Finally, I had my deserving Onasadya. With May's family. We had a wonderful chat session preceding the meal during which I had to act the doc for two 'patients'. One of them was May's father and another one a guest invited by May's mother.

I'm not going to talk too much about the food. Cuz it was not the best thing to have happened.

I felt great to talk to one of my friends in persons after a long time. We talked in depths about our lives. She had been to San Fransisco and been close the the Gay village and stuff. I talked about my crises and my life.

This was in the backdrop of the amazing view offered by the seaface window of the apartment in Malabar hill; grey clouds, with a glimmer of sun in the edges, promising a lot for the future, the grey sea bouncing on and off rocks. Wow, so romantic.

During the conversation, I confessed to May that I'm using her as my official 'girlfriend' to give me some breathing space in the cruel straight world that we live in.

Maya's back

May's back from the US. I'm disappointed because I know that she hasn't got the Ipod Nano. That damn thing is so hot that is way out of stock. But I'm very very glad to be able to see her. I'm going to meet her in the afternoon as she's invited me over for a lunch. Wow! At the same time, I had to say lame excuses to Xander for not turning up for jamming this weekend. Honestly, one of the reasons why I didn't go to our apartment is because he had asked for my mp3 CD player. I am scared that he'll not keep in safe and dusted.

Oooh, the Crossword bookstore

I happened to read aobut R. Sriram and the Crossword chain of bookstores which have some sort of mega sale going on. It had to happen on the next day when the gracious relative of a patient of ours, who had borrowed me a book to read, asked it back. It was so uncomfortable to say that I hadn't read that book. I couldn't even make eye contact. But I'm determined. Even though I don't have a shitty minute for reading a book now, I'll definitely take it up, live it up and read it up in Aamchi Mumbai in the coming years.

KH and me

Why was I able to see all this chaotic dancing of Ganapathi visargan up close? Because I had to go pay my Orange bill riding my Kiny (Kiney - Kinetic Honda) as it was the last date. By the way, I don't know how many people are aware of the looks of the Kiney, it is hopeless in looks. It is hard to manoeuvre and it is ill maintained. Still, it is like a charm for me to traverse the interminable traffic of Mumbai. I usually ride with a jeans and a Levis t-shirt with a huge helmet on. My skinny arms protrude out of my shirt like stalks. Boy, how many people would me laughing at me and my bike?

Ganpathi visargan

I don't like religious things. Nothing. I hate the concept of religion even. Therefore, I was half-mocking, half-despising at the almost sczhizoidal behaviour of the crowd marching on for the dipping of the Ganapathi idols on Chowpatty today.

Look, I don't expect to get hate-mail after this post. But still, it is my point of view. I hate the colors and the noise and everything with such festivals. Besides, Ganapthi, is obese and almost ugly in looks. How can you worship such an unsightly god?

The Sheraton

One of my patients which I have to give a dressing regularly, is a young male with paralyisis of both lower limbs. He has a bed sore which is healing due to intensive care given by our doctors. He has had two back surgeries and is in a general state of depression. That is quite expected in such a case I guess.

So, I have read these stories about doctors cheering up patients by asking them to go out and enjoy the fresh air outside and stuff. I wanted to do something of that sort. I wanted to do something like the doctor who convinced a dying patient that he won't die until the last leaf of a dying plant seen through the window would fall. Of course, he then went on to paint a leaf on the window on the night the leaf had fallen. The patient gets back to health at the end of the pleasant story.

I hope you get the point. So what should I do? I love the Sheraton hotel in the neighborhood for its awesome views. This patient's room had a window through wich you had a fantastic diagonally side on view of the Sheraton. After tonight's dressing, I personally moved the cot of the patient so that he could watch it. The grumpy patient said he enjoyed it after it was over and done with. I had a hint of satisfaction and pride after the deed.

But seriously, the Sheraton is awesome! I'll try to get a photo sometime!

Febrile again

The swelling didn't subside. Superadded fever made me fear of the gravest of possibilities. An ankle synovitis which one of my seniors had diagnosed earlier. I'm on analgesics and crepe bandage now. Fever has gone down since afternoon. Another relieving factor is that my co-houseman is back.

The undeed

I don't know if I should be commenting on this on this blog. But I did something hideous. In terms of medical ethical context that is. I fondled someone when that someone was helpless. I don't know why I did it. It must be due to the lack of sleep or rest. Or it might be due to the fact that I'm so deprived of sex. Anyway, it was a different experience. I think my queer quotient just got higher.

Onam in Mumbai

For all those who are not aware, today was "Thiruonam". Back in the place where I come from, which is so obvious to anyone who has been reading my blog quite regularly, Onam is the festival of the year. Thiruonam is the most special day of the festival.

.

First of all, let me just tell you that I was totally unaware of the fact that Onam was around until the week turned around the Sunday when I was offered an 'Onasadya' (meaning full 9 course meal) by the restarant which serves me dinner daily. I decided to go for it.

It was today. It came in one of the plastic bags which are officially banned. It had everything except rice in smaller banned plastic bags. I couldn't eat it on time. I ate it about 4 hours late. Therefore, the food was kinda stale. Still, I enjoyed it. I shared it with a senior from Rajasthan. He said he liked it. Although I didn't fall for the comment, I think it was okay.

But the actually gross thing about the whole deal is that I ate the sadya out of plastic bags. That is a contadiction! That too, a big one! You are supposed to be served in a very special sequence and have to eat out of the plantain leaf to eat the Onasadya.

Sorry to those who lost interest in the post due to the lack of awarenes. Here are a few links to go to get the taste of Onam and it's sadya.

• http://www.southindia.com/onam.htm
  
• http://www.malayalifestivals.dgreetings.com/malayalifestivals/onam/
  
• http://wv.essortment.com/onamfestival_rjjv.htm
  

Zen micro update

:)

:)

:D

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I have broken from the rule of a single para posts. Thats cuz I have great news. My zen micro is repaired and it will cost me about 2200 Rs. Wow! I am going to take care of it like never before! Meanwhile, I have already e-interacted with May and she might bring me Ipod Nano. Oooh, on that matter, has anyone seen the Ipod Nano. It is so sexy. And so amazing. I want to have that badly. I know I'm too selfish greedy and stuff. But it is worth it. Take a look - Ipod Nano.

Balooning...

The swelling's not giving up. It is increasing. Bewilderingly gross it was. I was limping on in the ward. Yet, nobody was willing to give me rest. Even I am a little careless. I didn't put an effort to take rest. I didn't get the medications on fast enough as well. Anyway, by the end of the day, my foot was even more swollen and I was beginning to worry if I had some sort of chronic problem which might require surgery.

Swollen foot

On the downside, I developed pain and swelling around the ankle again. Once more without the history of trauma. It is just nagging now. But I can't understand why it should happen. That too only on the one leg. I suspect some pathology.

Work piled up

Looks as if the double emergency was not enough. My co-houseman had a personal emergency and had to leave us to visit home. That left me with an already deprived team of residents to manage the second day of the 'Double Emergency'. The Doomsday Tuesday, which was the nickname which came up when I first heard the news of him going, didn't turn out to be that bad. In fact, it was good. I was able to do one and assist three surgeries. Ain't that good! And I enjoyed it this time as well. This makes it even better!

Looking back

Yesterday was okay. Not too heavy, not too light. That helped me. I am recovering from a upper respiratory infection with a sore mouth. I could have gone out. Since my dentist appointments are put off for sometime at least, I had time in the afternoon. But I don’t know why, I couldn’t. Some work was still pending at the time I was about to leave.

Shutting up

I cannot shut myself up, at least on the internet; (in real life, my ulcers making even talking painful), without commenting on my ulcers, which I accidentally did earlier in this sentence itself. I’m taking multivitamins and an oral antiseptic gel. They are giving me good relief. But the difficult thing is to eat roti/parathas which everyone loves to eat.

Looking ahead

This weekend is going to be the double emergency weekend. This means that I have Sunday emergency along with the routine one. This means that I’ll be fucked almost the whole of the five days ie. From Sunday through Thursday. Besides I have not had good sleep last week. I’m a little worried if I can pull it off. But the fact that I enjoyed assisting a surgery last week helps me feel better.

Short and Sweet - the new style of posts from Kris

Yeah, I have got a lot to write on and I don't have enough time nor facilities. So, from hereon, until I announce changes, my posts are going to be short and sweet. Short as in confining themselves to a single paragraph. Mostly that is. Sweet... ummm, well I think that they are going to be. Cuz I'm in a great mood. You'll know why at the end of this series ending Monday, the 19th of September, 2005.

More home food +updates

This week, I started a new system for dinner. The kind of food that I used to eat back at home delivered as a parcel daily evening. Whoa, having a good time with it. The only disappointment is that I'm eating it so late that it loses all its taste. But still it is quite great!

Besides, I'm having this episode of oral ulceration which is destroying the peace of my life. About 25 ulcers in the floor of my mouth. Along with that, as a compliment, I'm having fever and sore throat. I guess I need to take antibiotics.

On the family front, today, I chatted simultaneously with my sister and my parents. It felt great. They saw me on webcam too. One good day despite the fever and ulcers!

Finally

This is the day I've been waiting for. I finally enjoyed assisting a surgery. Today we did something in the theatre which was quite out of the ordinary. Thankfully, I was allowed to assist actively in the case. I did that, and I enjoyed it. It is great!

Issues are slowly resolving. Good news, my friends.

Finding an address in Mumbai

Finally I made some time to give my Creative Zen Micro for repair. I went on a rainy afteroon. I had the address and phone number from the internet. I called them up and asked for directions. They gave me some. But still, I took about 1 and a half hours to find that place. This is in South mumbai. Finding buildings is so damn tough here.

I finally gave it for repair. The technician there offered me hope. I'm so wanting to have one. Meanwhile, I have been thinking of getting an Ipod. Coincidentally, the IPod dealer was also nearby. I wanted to take a look at Ipod before deciding on purchase.

I found the dealer alright, but only to find in disgust that he had cut ties with the Apple company.

On the way back, I decided to catch the infamous (or famous) No. 66 bus. It took me about an hour to get in one. Another 1 and a half hour to reach my hospital. Total is 2 and a half hour. I reached that place in a cool 20 minutes by local train.

Mumbai life in short - Trains are heaven! Bus sucks in the evenings!

My colleague

I am slow I know in ward work. But I need everything to be perfect. That takes time. My colleague doesn't like that. He has some issues with this matter I guess. I hope I can sort it out.

Reading home newspaper

Nowadays, I don't get time to read newspapers even. I collect about 5 days of newspaper and select them according to some priorities when I get time. Even though it appears boring, it is actually wholesome pleasure for me. There have been days when after my routine ward work, at 3 Am approx in the morning, I would sit on the toilet with a newspaper that is days old and doze away.

Whatever, I have this patient from my native place in the ward. He gets our local newspaper (the one which I used to read at home). I had a great time catching up with all the happenings there. A great time it was!

The question and the answer

As I've told you, there is a very obvious M&M couple in our hospital. One among them is a servant and the other a paid caretaker for patients. So, today evening I was dressing a wound in a patient the ward were this couple hang out. This servant was helping me with the dressing. He had just come for work and was wearing a bright blue/white sweat shirt which was so gay. As I was chatting with him, he was displaying the whole repertoire of feminine gestures and stuff. Then, all of a sudden, an unintentional but brilliant question came from me.

I asked 'Where is N.? Is he not there?'.

Immediately, the relative with the patient, a 16 year old teen gave me a worried anxious look. The servant seemed embarassed for a moment but regained composure immediately by saying 'He's not there. That's why I'm so depressed.'

I enjoyed the moment. That was the stark reality. People knew about the couple but still they didn't adore them going about like they are. And the couple is still fine with what the people had to offer them.

I hope to get them both on to a pride march in the future. And by the way, I wanted to badly be in a pride march in Mumbai. I hope I get a chance in the near future.

Heavy day

The dinner last night meant that I could only sleep late. That meant that I had not slept good even for a single day last week. That forced me to take a nap during my emergency. I had expected serious scolding from seniors. But it was fine eventually!

Problems with Xander

Xander came to the hospital today to undergo some tests. During the conversation we had, I came to know that he felt very bad of me choosing I Rock over him (and his condition; with malaria) last Saturday. I felt horrible when he said that.

Coming to think of it, I'm doing a lot o things which I wouldn't have otherwise done in this period. I guess it must be due to stress.

On the other hand, we had a nice time having a Smoking Joe's pizza in the hospital. I ordered for him using one of contacts. We got it at half the price and we enjoyed the meal!

Dinner surprise

Sunday night, that is yesterday, I was in the mood for a nice dinner. Something like Tandoori chicken (I guess the thing has caught up) and beer. But then the routine place was far away. Besides, I needed to sleep.

So I thought, I'll visit a nearby hotel/bar which I haven't visited yet. I had heard that it was good. After visiting the ATM, I went to the hotel. As I was going through the menu, I was surprised out of my skins when someone came up from behind and asked

'Doctor, can we join you?'

It was none other than the relatives of a very nice patient that I have. They said that they were at first scared that I would scold them if I found them having a drink in the bar. I was scared to death hearing that. Is this what relatives thought of me? Come on, I'm a much better sport.

Eventually, the conversation drifted on about my drinking habits. They were surprised to hear me say that I only drink beer. I ordered Tandoori, naan and paneer etc. We talked a lot. They drank Whisky. They bought me beer.

Just as we were finishing, they requested not to speak about this dinner to the patient himself. They told me that the patient doesn't like them drinking. Soon after that, they added that the patient who has fractures of arms and legs fell down from a scaffolding after taking drinks.

What a coincidence!

Had a nice time. They even paid for the whole dinner! I'm lucky!

Rainy sunday

Although I slept till late, my Sunday was ruined because of my senior's thesis work with Cadaveric surgery. It was pouring as well. Nice time to write songs... Not too much work actually. But still day is ruined.

Apart from that, I called Xander to find what was up with him. He has malaria. He sounded disappointed with me as I didn't go with him to the hospital. But what can I say. I so badly wanted to go to I rock and chill out for a break from the hospital routines.

After the I Rock mishap

I was at South Mumbai, the best place in Mumbai. I wandered throught he streets. I picked up a copy of the Times of India + Mumbai Mirror. Then I went in to Baristas coffee bar. I had a couple of delicious cups of coffee along with a sandwich while going through the newspaper. This reminded me of the life that I so wanted to live. It actually reminded me of Frasier's coffee shop.

Immediately after that, I went across Regal, one of the oldest cinemas in Mumbai. I hoped for some good movie. I wanted to see Iqbal badly. But I was disappointed to know that it was only up for the second show. When I scanned for what was coming up for the evening, I pleasantly surprised to realise that a critically acclaimed, out-of-the-normal movie was on. It was called 'Dansh'. A sort of darkish movie about revolution and the lives of people who live and die in it.

The movie is actually a night's events in Mizoram during the time when Mizoram National Congress had agreed for a truce with the Indian governement. I'm not going to give you the story. I thought that the movie was excellent. Especially the character sketches.

Then I got out and decided to decide what to do next. Just next to the Regal is the 'Sports Bar' which is a pub with pool, bowling etc. It also has loads of TV screens which screen the live sporting events. All this in a wonderfully ambient setting with good quality loud music.

I couldn't believe my luck when I went across it. Pearl Jam's 'Alive' was being played. I decided to go in. I went and sat at the bar table on a high stool and ordered for a Bacardi breezer. I had a most wonderful 10 minutes there listening to awesome music through excellent speakers sipping something which I liked.

I got out of that place with the longing to come back daily for 4 hours. But that wouldn't work out anyway. It is too expensive.

Then I went back to Regal and watched Iqbal. Another great movie. But the hottest part of the movie was Naseeruddin Shah. Whoa baby. What a hot stud. His chest hair was so sumptuous. I have to include him in my list. I'll do that next time.

The screen play is really good with lots of great humour in it. The only dark spot during Iqbal was that I got calls from my seniors in hospital. I decided to turn off the mobile phone until the movie had finished.

After the movie, I called them up only to know that my Sunday was ruined yet again.

I Rock - Screwed again!

This has got to be from a soap. Once again I get permission to go to I Rock. I finish my work at around 5 and call Xander. He says that he's unwell and won't be able to make it anyway since he has work to do. I decide to dress up and drop by Xander's office so that I can give him some pills for his fever.

As I was starting, I get a call from Xander's mobile. It was his colleague who said that he was shivering. I asked him to take Xander to a hospital. I thought that I would head to the Gateway alone cuz I didn't want to miss I rock for anything.

I catch a cab, spend about 100 Rs. for it and reach the venue to find that it was called off. Some police permission trouble. I can't expalin how disappointed I was. I didn't know what to do. I thought that I won't get permission to go when it happens again.

But then I had a great evening! That is in the next post.

A sleepless night

Yesterday night, I had to do a lot of ridiculous stuff to satisfy my seniors that I couldn't sleep. Well, I could have. But had I slept, I wouldn't have gotten up in time. Therefore, I totally didn't sleep but I finished all of my chores and then showered, took breakfast and reached the ward before 6 AM.

Then as usual, my professor didn't turn up on time as he always says he would. At around 7.30 I was asked to do some shitty stuff on the computer for him. I dozed of accidentally doing that. The round occured during that time. Thankfully, no explosions occured. But still I need to figure out a better way to manage time.

Later on in the afternoon, I had so much of trouble trying to stay awake, that I decided that it was not the best way to work.

Another important thing occured today. I called up the local Creative service center or something of that sort. They said that they can repair my Zen Micro. Now I'm having so much of hopes. I'll give it for repairing on Monday when I meet my dentist.

I have to admit that without my music, I am finding it very difficult to live. Especially now when I know that one of my seniors in the unit has an I Pod. I want to try I Pod badly.

Sincerity

Even though I have been posting about how I'm not enjoying my work, I'm becoming more and more 'sincere' in it. That is what everyone is saying. But I don't know what that is. Look, I've always enjoyed talking to patients and being in the wards to help them out. But its the surgery thing which is not there.

Because of my sincerity, I had to sleep over in the ward. Why because if I had gone to my room, I wouldn't get up in time for the next day's OT. This plan of sleeping in ward is great as I'm sure of doing everything properly. Everything was so proper that I was so proud of myself the next day.

And I was able to perform a little surgery. Although I thought I did okay, everyone seemed to think that I did a great job. Now I suspect that they know that I need some moral support and that is why they are saying that I did a great job when in actuality I was just okay.

My problem was obvious

Today morning, something bad happened which preceded something good.

After a sleepless night at the emergency, I was so dazed and out of sorts. One of my seniors who has a lot of faith in me and my abilities noticed this. He sort of started making fun of me. And while conversing with him I did something even more gross. This totally pissed him off and he gave me a firing.

I was so disppointed. With myself and the system where I was working in. A little later, I had some one on time with this senior when he asked me straight on my face

'Kris, don't you enjoy doing surgeries?'

I poured out to him about my problem. He was almost shocked to find out that I was not enjoying what I was doing. But then he was supportive. He asked me to try and add vigour and try and enjoy whatever work that I was doing in the hospital.

But the one thing I wanted to make him understand, which I also want to clearly state on this is that I do enjoy my work. But it needs to be in a system that is not as devious as it is. And I enjoy music much better.

I told him all that. Now he wants me to try harder to get the 'thing' for surgeries. But I know that it is going to be difficult. Very difficult. Almost like faking.

I felt very relieved after opening out.

Lost my brace

I'm the kind of person who rarely loses things. But because of this chaotic life of the junior resident that I'm leading right now, I'm losing too many. Today, I lost my brace for the second time.

Now, for those who haven't used temporary retainer braces, let me tell you that it is very pesky to wear them and live. You have to take them out before every meal, every snack even. And you have to do that in some privacy. Double the trouble if you are one of the hypersalivating kind like me. You will have drools of saliva when you take them out and you have no other option but to shove them into your pant/shirt pocket.

I don't know where I lost this. I tried to recall the various times in the last day or so where I had to remove it. I searched through the whole of my baggage, clothes and room. But no luck.

My dentist has alerady forwarned me that she's not going make another one if I lose this second one. Now I'll have to come up with some excuse as to how I lost it. The excuse which I'm going to use is that someone stamped it on the train.

Fired again

Today morning, I got fired in the morning because of no fault of mine. The patients and relatives screwed up the instructions that I had given them for the official Grand 'mockery' of a round where everything is faked, stained sheets are covered, bad X-rays are removed, patients in pain are mobilized etc. I got an incredible dose of firing for that.

With the backdrop of a feeling that I'm having, I really felt bad. I was very down. Immedicately I wanted to talk. I talked to Ray and my sister. I don't know if I made them realize what I was feeling. But anyway, they now know that I'm having a professional crisis right now.

Among other bad things, Zen Micro is officially screwd. I need to get it serviced from I don't know where. My brace, the retaining brace got lost for the second time. And yesterday, when I badly wanted to sleep, one of my seniors dragged me out for a movie. 'Dark Water' was not good. I'd give it 4 out of 10.

When I was talking to Ray, he said he liked it and he gave it 7 out of 10. We in generaly have not differed in movie ratings ever. This is interesting.

I hope I have not scared them. I still know that I'm going to have to continue with my surgical side till I have some sort of financial backup. But still, the fire for learning is not there.

Among other things

Other random things...

• I'm moving to another room soon. I hope I don't have the bed bug problem there. That will ease my pain a little bit.
  
• I got permission for I rock next weekend. I hope it is going to give me the break which I want.
  

With Xander

With so much time on a Saturday (we had an off day cuz the OTs were shut as the sirs weren't there), I was ruing the fact that I rock wasn't there. But I thought I could go and jam with Xander. With high hopes, I went.

What transpired is not what I wanted.

Xander was drinking; getting drunk would be better. He was high and I thought was more interested in watching TV. I decided to talk to him first and see if I can get him around.

We talked about Mosh Mania and how I liked it. But the conversation was not going smooth. I talked about Zen Micro. He didn't sound very concerned. Then he handed me over my guitar. The Sammic electric that I had bought last years end. As soon as I took it up, I was disappointed with the fact that the strings were rusted. When I checked it out further, the screws and the Allen Keys for the Floyd Rose setup were all rusted.

Still, I thought I would go on. He wanted me to play 'Cochise' so that he could sing. I wasn't liking the feel of the guitar. After some time and a couple of other songs when I got pissed with the guitar's condition, I gave him the guitar and took up my bass.

When I connected it to the amp, I noticed that part of the cable (the custom made cable which I had gotten done from my home place which was the only one without any problem whatsover) was chewed by rats.

What would anybody feel at this point? I finally started talking maintenance of the flat and guitars. He wasn't paying attention. Then we carried on. I was not feeling good about it. Plus there was lots of noise because of the faulty cables.

Finally, I decided that I have had enough of jamming. I put away my bass and sunk on the bean bag. Xander, by that time, was drunk and was not in his senses for sure. He then kept the guitar upside down, and put weight. One of the strings broke.

I was so pissed. I decided to lay down. And I dozed off.

That was enough to set him off. He got so pissed with me sleeping that, he started accusing me of selfishness and a genuine lack of interest in the band. We started argiuing. I tried to justify myself. He didn't like it. He went on saying that he was also busy and was tired cuz of work. Finally, he started saying that this was not going to work out.

I was a little apprehensive about this. But then, I know he was drunk. After some time, as he was coming out of it, we decided to go out to eat.

By the time we got out, he was almost normal and he officially admitted that he was drunk. By that time, I was almost like hurt. But then, we had a long hard talk about our future. I confided him about the kind of feeling I get working at the hospital. He was not at all surprised. That was a surprise to me. In fact, he said that he thought that I would feel so from day 1 itself.

In the end, everything was okay. But I still would like him to clean up the place and guitars. And to get everything sorted out for practice. Right now, I'm unable to do anything. But when we have more time, I want everything to be perfect. But will I be able to do it?