A conversation with Vinokur

It's been almost four years since I broke up with Vinokur. The phrase "broke up" seems harsh to describe what had really happened. Maybe I should paraphrase it as transitioning from a phase in our relationship to another phrase, where the balance between friendship and affection is different. Although it was initially difficult for both of us (I think) to remain in touch with each other and be each other's best friends, like we were during our romantic relationship, we maintained contact, albeit sparse, in the initial few months.

The conversations that we tended to have usually started with a background of him needing some advice from me regarding his health problems or me needing him as a friend who I trust to confide in during the darkest phases of my depression. Yes, even now, Vinokur is one of the few people that I trust well enough to expose my precarious mental states during crises. However, despite us hanging up almost every time saying something like, "That was very enjoyable. Maybe we should do this more often," we hardly seemed to be able to keep our word and only Skyped once every couple of months or so. This has been severe since early April, when my present phase of depression kicked in. As the usual trend during such phases, I have been avoiding conversations. However, this time around, I've been avoiding Skype conversations as well with almost everyone, including my faithful confidants. In fact, I think I have had only three or four brief conversations, one each with Blummer, Mickles3, and Billiards, but none with Vinokur.

So two night's back, Vinokur wrote me after posting a photo of me on Facebook, which got a lot of reactions. I have also been off of Facebook since early April and all I get are notifications in my email. So I didn't know which photo it was and what the reactions were like. Vinokur had simply written, "Will you have time to talk?" When I receive such messages from him, I usually end up worrying whether there is some big problem in his life that he needs my help with. That's how my mind makes me think. That is, it makes me think that the only reason why someone ever would want to have a conversation with me is because they cannot help avoid it.

My apprehension was slightly alleviated after I told Jay (my boyfriend) that Vinokur had written me. As always, Jay calmed me down and said that may be Vinokur simply wants to talk with me. May be he simply misses you and wants to get back in touch with you. Along with that, Jay forwarded the aforementioned photograph on Whatsapp. Vinokur had taken that photo at a market near our apartment when he visited India in 2008. I felt relieved to see the photo--my fear of something wrong happening in Vinokur's life forcing him to have a conversation with me seemed less likely.

We finally had our conversation last night, and it lasted almost four hours! Just like the good ol' times, with the only pleasant change being that I was sipping a nice blended scotch the whole time. It's amazing how we can sustain a conversation over such a seemingly long duration. We talked about everything--such as, his health, my health, my depression, the books we were reading, the things we were watching, the podcasts that I wanted him to check out, why I'm not being on Facebook (because of it being intimidating, something that I posted on Reddit and got a few interesting and supportive responses for)--in between spells of laughter and linguistic lessons (from him to me). It felt really good.

Anyway, during this conversation, I introduced him to the concept of mindfulness meditation* as well as the other measures that my shrink/therapist duo are employing in their efforts to get me back on track. Within a few hours of us hanging up, almost serendipitously, I received a link from him which seemed to tie up several things that we were talking about last night. More on that below**.

It may seem strange to others when I confess that I get a lot of strength and courage out of such conversations/interactions. In fact, this entire series of events--from Vinokur posting a photo of me to Facebook to the conversation that we had about me not being on Facebook--may eventually lead to me thawing myself out from Facebook hibernation! Wish me luck! Also, thank Vinokur and Jay! :)

*If you are unaware of mindfulness, I strongly recommend that you check out this video of a Google talk by Jon Kabat-Zinn, the guy who made meditation mainstream in the world of modern medicine.

**I have written in detail about what this link is about on Neverlast. Here's the tweet that Tumblr sent out after I posted it. If you are interested in psychology, you may want to check it out, especially if you have had problems with depression and anxiety.

People do not like to be alone - a scientific fact - If you are like me, having grown up in a relatively... http://t.co/c5h2Z89pA7
— Krishna Kumar V. (@krishna_kumar_v) July 27, 2014

My Triumvariate Balancing Act While Floating in the Ocean of Depression (2013 - a Year in Review)

Exactly 365 days back, I was happy - or I felt that I was. I was in the initial stages of a promising relationship, life was good, and I was under therapy. I thought I had everything under control. Finally, it was time to see whether I was dependent on my pharmacotherapeutical crutch.

Prompted by my shrink, under the umbrella of my "real" first short-distance long-term relationship, I decided to take the chance. Under the shrink's guidance, I tapered myself off of medications, with almost total compliance. Things seemed okay. The relationship, thanks to its realness and rawness, was giving me a lot of scope to test my endurance and limits. So was work, with the management at my office seemingly destined to stretch the employees to their physical and mental limits. In such phases, I get into the mode of trying to better myself, and I pushed myself harder. I thought I was doing well, coping enough to hang on to my biochemical mileu by very shaky threads.

In tandem, something else was happening. Under the pretence of the need for "space" in the relationship, whic was triggered by the frequent arguments, fights, six or seven 'almost-break up's, I started spending more time by myself, with my guitars in my apartment.  This, not too surprisingly, resulted in a rejuvenated phase of songwriting, thanks a lot to the freshness added by my new partner in musical crime.

This was the silver phase of an otherwise gray 2013, during which time I had the cushion of the remnant unmetabolized/uneliminated drugs in my body, along with a relatively acquiescent phase in the relationship. It lasted for a few weeks, two months at the maximum, after which the monster was unleashed. The feelings reminiscent of childhood and adolescence were back - fear, apprehension, exaggerated startle response, insecurities, self-loathing, self-esteem issues, excessive tendency to punish myself, self-blame, almost-delusions. So were behaviors, including anger management issues, rage, raising voice, and abnormal conversational mode. All this was made worse by the incredibly long hours at work daily, which seemed to get worse as the year progressed.

Around my birthday on the 7th of November, a series of events led me to my first real nadir of depression in about 18 months, driving me to consider whether it was worth living while being miserable and causing others to suffer. On a Saturday night, when almost everything around me, and everyone who I was communicating with, seemingly suggested that I was a worthless piece of shit, I decided to call up and check with the only person that I thought I could trust – Vinokur.

Of course, he was not aware of what was going on. But thankfully, I got the answer. That gave me the validation that I required. Within 12 hours, thanks to the persistence of my boyfriend, I visited the shrink and I was put on temporary medication. I went on to undergo a comprehensive psychological test, the results of which suggested a plethora of psychological issues, including post-traumatic stress disorder, childhood abuse, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety-related, and stress-related issues. In a blood test, I was found to have Vit D deficiency and hyperlipidemia, and an ultrasound of the abdomen revealed fatty liver.

At the moment, the shrink and I are planning on a comprehensive treatment plan, including behavioral therapy, meditation, counseling, and pharmacotherapy. In addition, I am in the process of consulting a physician for the management of hyperlipidemia and fatty liver. As I write this post, I am in the middle of my first real vacation after February this year. I am at Meherabad (off of Ahmednagar, approximately 6 hours from Mumbai) with Jay, after having invited by my friend Billiards. The calm and quiet of Meherabad along with the lack of work-related stress has been working for me, reinforcing my views that the countryside may be the long-term solution to my depression. Anyway, I hope this will mark a period of gradual improvement.

Plus, I realize that the pharmacotherapy, which gave me a very "feel good" period from mid-2012 to mid-2013, had handed me a very unproductive, in fact, disastrous, phase as a musician. I regret that it took so long for me to realize what was happening. In the last few months, I have tried my best to reinstate my career as a musician. Although the addition of rehearsals and related affairs add to the stress in general, there is no way but try to ensure that I follow the path that gives me most creative pleasure and satisfaction.

Here's to a very productive 2014, when I must juggle the three repsonsibilities - work, music, and relationship - while ensuring that I cope with my depression.

Merry Christmas

I can't believe that it's been over 6 months since I last posted a note on this blog. I sincerely apologize. Just so you know, I had my last major bout of depression in early April 2012. Life has almost come around a whole circle in the succeeding 8 months or so. I'm at a very happy place in my life at the moment. Knock on wood!

So what happened in that period? The lack of motivation to share thoughts, which comes bundled with the package of depression in the brains of people like me, was the reason in the first three months. I cheated. I mean I lied, or, maybe I should say, I didn't come clean with the truth, in the last few posts. This was when I was really struggling to comprehend what was happening to me.

Supposedly, I was happy. I was in a promising relationship, had ongoing projects with three bands, one one of which looked like it would fulfill my dream of cutting an album, and my work-life was going smoothly. From out of nowhere, it hit me. I fell flat on my face and the people closest to me chose to give up on me. Within no time, I was dumped my my lover, rejected by one band, kicked out of another, and stranded by the third.

I was dazed and confused but I managed to not crack down under adversity, thanks to some excellent friends, who stood by me and saw me through, and of course, to my new shrink. Thank you, Billiards, for spending so much time with me on Skype virtually every night for many months. Thank you, Sujit, for helping me find a new shrink, which made me turn the corner. Thank you, my work colleagues, for providing me with the wonderful environment where I spend most of my awake hours. Finally, thank you Mr. Psychiatrist, without whom, wouldn't have known what it is like to be really happy.

The new shrink, almost magically, brought in a radical transition by switching me to a new medication and guiding me to cognitive therapy. He suggested that I should be weaned off of the previous psychoactive cocktail (low-dose combination therapy with escitalopram, clonazepam, and haloperidol) and started me on bupropion. Along with that, he guided me to http://depressioncenter.net, which gave me the insight about cognitive therapy - I meticulously maintained a mood diary for about a month, which enabled me to find out what were the real triggers, and thereby find the root cause of my negative thought cycles.

Sometime in late July or early August, I started enjoying life like I have never before. I guess I had more time for myself with most of my responsibilities as a musician, apart from my that as a solo performer, having vacated my life, and I started watching, following, and reading stuff that interested me and I started looking forward to spending time by myself. I restarted socializing - dating, drinking out, going for movies, etc. I also was able to get rid of my guilt to spend money for myself for entertainment and leisure. By September, I was dead sure - the period comprising the last three months or so was the happiest that I had ever been.

Then, in October, out of nowhere, I met three interesting men - all three attractive, single (well, technically, at least), and interested in me. All three are so different and yet seemed to offer me something that I had never experienced in Mumbai - dating. Although I'm good friends with all of them, I have spent most of the last two months with one of them - Jay - and it has just been a wonderful experience.

Thus, on the eve of Christmas, I sit by myself, content and happy, albeit missing Jay, hoping to spend the New Year's eve with him.

Merry Christmas.

Stay calm and hug a bear. Trust me, that works.

Work compromising life

I don’t think I’m workaholic. But I simply can’t leave my work unfinished and dissatisfied with what I had put in. This means that there are some days, which are getting uncomfortably frequent lately, when I have spent 11 to 12 hours at work.
Today, it almost cost me something. My friend Billiards felt insecure about coming to visit me because I have been too busy lately. That was really scary. But I was able to patch things up and things are back to normal.
This is the only issue that I have with work. Work is supposed to enhance your quality of life by paying you money to enjoy your life. It, therefore, shouldn’t deprive you of the pleasure by stealing away ‘personal’ time that can’t be replaced.
I have a lost a band, and quite possibly my musical career, because of work, and I don’t want to lose a relationship now.