Telephobia

It’s a forgotten fact about my forgettable past. Yes, I used to be an introvert once. My tenure as a medical student and the responsibilities related to my sister’s marriage, which, in turn, was a result of the sheer ineptitude of my father in tact and intrafamilial affairs, had allowed my de-cocooning and metamorphosis into a social butterfly.

Most of my current friends haven’t a clue about this dark aspect of mine. Let me try to put it in a rather complex way: my past is not present in their past related to me because I was not present in their past at that stage. Anyway, my introversion remanifested around the time I had to deal with the mental trauma related to Vinokur’s illness/visit and the eventual separation; it has now established itself to be the primary trait in my present day life.

One of the characteristic features of this shade of my personality is my fear to have phone conversations. A Google search tells me that this is a prevalent, relatively well-known phobia and is referred to as phone phobia, telephone phobia, or telephobia. My telephobia is currently rooted in my fear to have conversations with people who I have a difficult job convincing my side of things in traumatic topics, which include my career choices, familial duties, and depressive tendencies.

Although my best friends (Chuck, Ray, and May) have the level of understanding with me that should enable a conversation, I still fear the trauma associated with the reestablishment of a torn umbilical cord — nature lets the umbilical cord atrophy, we try to put it back together. What I’m trying to say is that - it's that hard for me to speak to anyone, even my best friends.

My telephobia, which is an element of the broad umbrella of social phobia, is acute with my family, relatives, and friends from my past. Please note that the modifier ‘from my past’ was not initially meant for the former two items in my three-item list, but can encapsulate them as well, because of the obvious — I have honestly moved on from my family and relatives, haven’t I?

Thus I don’t take calls from my past and definitely don’t make calls to those associated with it. Simple. Avoid trauma — the reincarnations of the past that I have left behind for good, even though a very tiny part of I may still want that past to be a part of my present.

When not at its inglorious best, my telephobia manifests as rudeness or curtness. Sometimes my perplexity as to what necessitated a phone conversation in the first place, when we could have perfectly avoided it, seeps through, you see. I often forget to sugarcoat my words in the social context and I misunderstood as the consequence. People fail to understand that I’ve never had that part in my machinery to start with — so how can have the oil to lubricate it?

Maybe this post is not cogent and is rather disoriented. But the final message is this — for telephobic folks like me, SMSes, e-mails, and even face-to-face conversations work better. There it is for you; that little snippet of me is out.

Househunting for May

A few weeks back, I had written about May coming back to Mumbai. This Thursday, she invited me to help her hunt down an apartment for herself and her husband. We decided to do it on Saturday. I had work on that day and I had promised her that I’d meet her by 6 pm.

May had started checking out the apartments herself starting early afternoon. As she was working at the Tata Memorial Hospital, which is right next door to the King Edward Memorial (KEM) Hospital where I graduated from, the apartments that she was looking were in around the same locality where I had spent 3 and a half years of my life in.

As I walked from the Elphinstone Road station toward KEM, memories started flooding back. I walked past the hospital to the tree-lined road behind, where I saw the various trees under which I had spent innumerable hours talking to Vinokur on the phone—this was the time before he came to Mumbai.

I was overwhelmed with nostalgia and it took some time for me to recover and help May in judging apartments. My experience choosing apartments came in handy as I was able to point out things good and bad about the three or four apartments that we saw together.

We narrowed the list down on two prospective apartments. The final decision will be taken by her and her husband. Afterward, we went to the Phoenix mills to have some dinner and a movie. Unfortunately, there was not even a single movie that was worth watching. We ended up having a delicious sandwich each at Subway and heading home.

Four friends - Two states

Oh, I've been wanting this for so long, for someone to function as a physical link between my Keralaite medical past and the Mumbakar gay/musical-editing present/future. It seems my prayers have come true. May is coming to Mumbai! She's coming to join a two-year course in pediatric hemato-oncology at the Tata Memorial Hospital, which is next door to my alma mater, the King Edward Memorial hospital.

This will be so cool! I can finally speak to someone regularly in Malayalam in Mumbai. And of course, the various possibilities of hanging out at Mumbai with her. Well, her husband (Did I ever update you guys that she married recently? This was right around the time I broke up with Vinokur and I was in disarray, and hence I might have forgotten) will join her soon. So, I don't know if I'll get to enjoy a lot of 'alone' time with her. But I do hope!

I still remember how eagerly I had expected the arrival of Ray to Mumbai. That would have been at an altogether different level, of course. But that didn't happen. And our relationship has withered down to the occasional SMS about a movie or something like that. Relationships -- how they never cease to amaze you with their unpredictable highs and lows.

The one relationship that has not only stood the test of time, but passed it in flying colors recently, is with my third good friend from back in Kerala -- Chuck. The humor between us still remains the same -- the same self-deprecatory sarcastic humor that Kerala is known for -- and we connected to each other just like the good old days, over alcohol, cigarettes, and food, and took care of each other like how each other should. Yes, we had grown into two separate beings -- he being a succesful orthopedician, with a wife and a kid, enjoying life with its responsibilities whereas I had grown old and frail post-Vinokur and was rather stagnant in my career with music.

My three best friends from Kerala are at three different places in my life right now. They might have swapped places between each other and I might have changed as a person, but the love remains strong.

Sunday that turned on its head

When I saw Inception's trailer during my visit to the theaters to watch Knight and Day, I never realized what I was getting into. The hype was simply unbelievable. Everyone was talking about Inception on Twitter even a few days before its release -- I follow people from the media and movie industry; people like Rajeev Masand -- and some folks (lucky brats) had managed to catch it during its press preview etc. People were using all kinds of superlatives to describe the movie. I knew there was something crazy about this one.

Friday and Saturday passed by and I was stuck with my job and newfound responsibilities in life -- these include taking care of my insatiable appetite to sleep -- and I read more reviews. Almost all of them 5-star ones. RottenTomatoes.com gave it a friggin' 97% fresh rating. I was dying of anticipation.

Come Sunday, I woke up like a fuckin' pig at 1 pm, just in time to get ready to pick May up from the airport. She had come to give an exam to get into the Tata hospital. After a wonderful 'catching up' session with her where she told about how she was enjoying her post-marital life and was trying in vain to conceal how happy she was now that every piece in her life had fallen into place, I set out to Sterling -- the theater that used to be my 'adda' during my residency, which holds an uncanny mix of cheapness of old-fashioned single-screen theaters and the flexibility of multiplex schedules -- only to find out that Inception was sold out.

Disappointed, to say the least -- I had wanted to catch a minimum of two movies (out of four: Inception, Tere Bin Laden, Udaan, and Lamhaa) on Sunday -- I set across to meet Bablu, my favorite pirated bookseller at CST. I was insanely happy to hear from him that he had with him MY copy of 'Satanic Verses', which I have been hunting for a couple of years now, along with a good copies of 'Midnight's Children' and 'The Sea of Poppies'.

I spent a fortune on these three books. But I'm sure they are worth it. And I'm sure Inception will happen this week.

My future

I had a longish e-mail coversation with May today. We were catching up after a long time - it took a while to reach a state of comfort where we could both open up and be comfortable.

At that point, she asked me - 'So, what's your plan'? I pretended to ignore the question, and replied to her about how editing and music are serving me good, if not well. In her reply, she poked it in further. Deep inside. 'No, I was talking about Orthopedics'. In addition, she'd asked for forgivance for being nagging.

I knew it all along. My future, to her, and to most of my old friends, just means Orthopedics. Nothing more. Most of them are not to be blamed of course - that's how we (including me) were brought up - in a society where education and career was given more priority before life, happiness, and satisfaction.

Some of my newer friends - some of them with the pure intention of hurting me, I suppose (well, then they aren't really friends, aye?) - have also asked me and have made fun of my non-advancement in my medical career. Some have even suggested that I was never good enough, and that is the reason that I chose to chicken out, and that's why I can never get back in it again.

What's my view-point? I know for a certainty that I'm good enough. It's just that I find music and academic editing, in this cocktail that I'm being served at this point in my life, serve me well. They keep me happy and satisfied, and give me enough time and freedom to enjoy life.

Really, that is the reason why I'm hesitant to jump back. It's not that I'm worried about me being good enough - but, I'm not sure if I'll again find the balance in my life if I did. Don't you (all) understand? Or do you still want to nag me?

Random Updates: 21st of Jan

Here's another set of random updates about the who's who in my life

• Vinokur: He and I are still keeping in touch as the best friends. Like me, he is searching for love, but in Manhattan. His profile picture and the text (that I kinda wrote for him) is getting him a lot of attention, quite deservedly so. But he has not yet found anyone substantial enough to go out for a date. Health-wise, he is doing much much better. The tremors are going down, the sparkle is back in the eye and the agility of the mind is as good as it has ever been! (Love ya, Vinokur!)
  
• My Sister: She's going on well with the prospect of relocating to the US because of her hubby's job situation. Funny, because the US is worst affected by recession and the job scene is very bad there. Ironically, she's going to go away from India and finally going to find some freedom in the US. I'm so relieved and happy for her. Long live recession!
  Ray: He's getting busy with his wedding plans amongst other things. I had a brief rendezvous with him on my way home. As usual, I found myself talking more than I listen. I'm very happy for him that he has found someone who he will be happy with. The only major worry for me is that I might not be able to take leave and be there with him for his wedding in late March!
• May: She's very busy with her stint as a resident in hematology. I hope she decides to take this up as the subject of her specialization. On the downside, her Dad is not doing all that well with Chronic Renal Failure. I felt that I need to visit him and her wonderful Mom someday when I have the time and money. I wish to offer her and her family support in whichever way that I possibly can.
• Chuck: He is busy practicing his Orthopaedic surgical skills at a hospital in the northern wilderness of Kerala. There is a slight possibility that his family, his brother actually, might be interested in buying the house that I grew up in, thus supplementing the fast-depleted bank accounts of my Mom and Dad. If not them, someone else - it has to happen soon. I don't want my Mom and Dad to suffer from shortage of funds at this stage in their lives.
• Noise Market: I haven't blogged anything about us recently, have I? Well, that's because there is nothing happening other than the dreary monotony of the promises from the record label with the never-ending series of dates on which they will pay the studio, us etc. We have finally agreed on an addendum to the contract - thanks to couple of lawyer friends that I stumbled on through this blog/internet! I hope things will soon start to happen - even if they do, I'll be starting my job next month!
• Mr. Bach: He's back in the Snakes spending depressing days in the cold and harsh winter. He's planning a return trip to India soon.

Random updates

• Songs: I'm almost done with the five songs! Just a few hours of work and I'll be through! The last two songs are the electric version of 'Freezing Flames' and the re-recording of one of my old songs 'Living Your Dream'. I'm sure at least the latter is worth waiting for!
  
• Studies: Obviously, they been affected by the recordings. But it's getting over and I'm glad! Now, I can read almost the entire day except for practice. That should relieve at least a few of the blog readers including my sister.
  
• Ray: My (gay/bi) friend Ray was planning to get married to a woman, if you remember. I have consciously not bothered to talk to him about the matter in the last weeks. Seems no further plans have been drawn. Instead, he is kinda looking forward to meeting up with new people for a platonic sexual relationship.
  
• May: She is making me proud by already getting one of her research papers published in a medical journal. I still remember that it was one of her dreams to publish as many research papers as she could. I'm so happy for her!
  
• Vinokur: He is giving me the scares again by getting oversedated frequently. Twice in the last three days he's been so sedated that he reminded me of the time he was in Mumbai. After a day of heavy scolding coaxing, I have convinced him to talk to his shrink and get his sedatives tapered down.
  
• Record Label: It seems that they are going down with Lehmann Brothers, Merryl Lynch etc. Their promised dates of paying us the money were for this month were the 15th and the 24th. I have lost all trust in them! No hopes on ever getting paid! :(

Random updates

• What are the odds of a 28 year old graduate getting malnourished in a metropolis? Not too high. But the scary fact is that I might very well be. It has been over a week since I had some ‘sabji’. I have been eating dosas, noodles, home-made rice soup and coffee. And in this period, I have had two eggs, a piece of chicken and half a carton of milk. No wonder, why I felt rather tired and giddy yesterday at the gig.
• 
  AV’s insomnia is worsening. The sedatives that were prescribed to him have seemingly lost their effect and he was prescribed a new medication. This time it’s an antidepressant, one which is not regularly prescribed for inducing sleep. Naturally, I’m worried to death. Nowadays, he spends almost 20 hours of day in bed. The other four is the time he spends with me. I’m trying to make him do something by asking my friends to ask him out. And guess what, he says ‘no’ to every such invites!
• 
  They say adversity is the most inspiring stimulus for an artist. It surely does seem to be for me. In the last week or so, I have been able to construct a few chord progressions and melodies. It came at the right time for me as I was really wondering if I had lost the art altogether. The only problem that is left is that I should try and write a few lines for these tunes. I really suck at poetry.
• 
  My good friend May committed something sinful last week. She had this crush on this rather successful, geeky guy from the states. She had stumbled on to him on his Facebook profile. Since then both of them had been chatting and exchanging messages occasionally. Without even thinking twice, she put across the question ‘Are you interested in me for a relationship’ clothed in a not-so-elaborate conversation across text chat. The guy, understandably so, was a little confused and conveyed that he didn’t think so. She’s sad. Oh I wish she had waited and played along the rules. What do you guys think? I say you should never propose over text-chat!

Random updates

I do realize that the frequency of updates of my blog per day are sometimes more than the number of times Britney Spears checks in and out of rehab per week. I also know that it isn't funny. The Britney Spears part at least. Come on, she's also a human being. We can't make her the butt of jokes always. Only on select occasions like this scene when Leonidus kicks her into the Spartan Pit of Death. That is funny! Digression over.

To save me the blushes of having to post posts (1 , 2) about posts, I have added a new widget titled (as cornily as ever) 'Recently Engayged'. Geez, I do hope you don't get tired of my sleazy word play. Digression over.

The actual Random Updates:

• My fellow band mates have done some tweaking of the template etc for the Noise Market blog. I would like my esteemed blog audience to take a look there, and post comments about updates here. Honestly, I didn't like it. And I want to make sure that I'm not the only weirded out one. Be candid please.
  
  
• For those who want to check out some more pictures of the Queer Azaadi pride march last Saturday in Mumbai Check out these - Albums 1, 2 and 3. If there are generous souls out there, please spread the message around.
  
  
• My girlfriend May recently joined one of the most reputed hospitals in India as a resident of Clinical Haematology. It is really cool. It was her ambition for a long time. But the really cool part isn't that. She gets Wi-Fi all around the campus. Yesterday I saw her Facebooking and G-chatting while she sat at the OPD. After she finished her patients that is. Ain't that cute?
  
  
• I managed to detect the onset of attraction towards another man and nipped it right in the bud. Yes fellows, that's how it is done. I confessed both to this new guy from Bangalore and Vinokur yesterday and all have agreed to keep things in check. The actual culprit is a photograph on his Facebook profile which triggered the feeling. And this is what he said "Thankfully, we are both bottoms! And far enough from each other to keep it platonic!" In another message, he added "Am into hard core stuff. So you are pretty safe!"
  
  
• Yesterday night, was a bloody homicide in my apartment. Well, maybe not technically. It happened while I was sleeping. The blood is splattered all over the floor. I didn't call the police. Instead, I picked the corpse up, put it in a plastic bag and dumped it. Nice and easy. Totally professional. Now, I'm mopping the stains up. :)
  
  
• For those who actually started shaking in dread, the rat's dead.