I often joke about being selfish. Although I don't consider myself excessively so, I think I am selfish to the extent that humans should be from the evolutionary point of view. I blame most of it on my body, which probably doesn't yet realize that I am part of a sentient species that has socially leapfrogged. The body forces us to eat when it's hungry, forces us to sleep when it's tired, and forces us to feel edgy when it feels threatened.
From a moral perspective, however, the way we behave toward others is more worrying. What's even more alarming is the way the friends that we care for a lot behave toward us. Most of them, regardless of how much ever they seem to and profess to love us, seem to be only behind furthering their own agenda.
A typical example is correspondence. We initiate communication with them expecting them to respond in kind. We take the time out to list down all the necessary points that you deemed as important to communicate. We hit send and wait. They may not even respond in what could be considered a socially acceptable time frame, considering the urgency indicated in our communication.
Assuming they do respond, we end up feeling that they have done it in a hurry. The manner of writing seems careless and they may not have addressed all the points we raised. More importantly, they may not even have given the accurate emotional weighting to our points.
Who is to blame? No one. At any point in time, they have pressing demands that occupy their attention and priorities. Would these demands result in them surviving the lion that they just encountered in the savannah? Probably not. But their bodies and minds still make them do the things that might make them more evolutionarily fit.
They may be busy interacting with an online acquaintance that, on the basis of the sensory inputs that their brains receive, may help in them being able to further their genetic pool. They may also be busy responding to social media comments on something that they posted. Of course, not only that they don't want to be an outcast in their social media band, they also want to be leaders of their respective bands.
Our ego is what your body/brain makes us believe is the most prioritizable thing. As part of it, we become selfish, at least from the social and moral perspective, because human brains and minds have woven a story so far advanced from the biochemical mileu that their bodies are immersed in. The best that we can do is to accept this phreno--physiologic gap and move on with life.
Yes, we should forgive friends who seem selfish. We are probably doing even worse, relatively. That's right, folks, because right now, I'm finishing this post on my blog because I think this is the best that I can do to climb a rung up in my social ladder.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
A conversation with Vinokur
It's been almost four years since I broke up with Vinokur. The phrase "broke up" seems harsh to describe what had really happened. Maybe I should paraphrase it as transitioning from a phase in our relationship to another phrase, where the balance between friendship and affection is different. Although it was initially difficult for both of us (I think) to remain in touch with each other and be each other's best friends, like we were during our romantic relationship, we maintained contact, albeit sparse, in the initial few months.
The conversations that we tended to have usually started with a background of him needing some advice from me regarding his health problems or me needing him as a friend who I trust to confide in during the darkest phases of my depression. Yes, even now, Vinokur is one of the few people that I trust well enough to expose my precarious mental states during crises. However, despite us hanging up almost every time saying something like, "That was very enjoyable. Maybe we should do this more often," we hardly seemed to be able to keep our word and only Skyped once every couple of months or so. This has been severe since early April, when my present phase of depression kicked in. As the usual trend during such phases, I have been avoiding conversations. However, this time around, I've been avoiding Skype conversations as well with almost everyone, including my faithful confidants. In fact, I think I have had only three or four brief conversations, one each with Blummer, Mickles3, and Billiards, but none with Vinokur.
So two night's back, Vinokur wrote me after posting a photo of me on Facebook, which got a lot of reactions. I have also been off of Facebook since early April and all I get are notifications in my email. So I didn't know which photo it was and what the reactions were like. Vinokur had simply written, "Will you have time to talk?" When I receive such messages from him, I usually end up worrying whether there is some big problem in his life that he needs my help with. That's how my mind makes me think. That is, it makes me think that the only reason why someone ever would want to have a conversation with me is because they cannot help avoid it.
My apprehension was slightly alleviated after I told Jay (my boyfriend) that Vinokur had written me. As always, Jay calmed me down and said that may be Vinokur simply wants to talk with me. May be he simply misses you and wants to get back in touch with you. Along with that, Jay forwarded the aforementioned photograph on Whatsapp. Vinokur had taken that photo at a market near our apartment when he visited India in 2008. I felt relieved to see the photo--my fear of something wrong happening in Vinokur's life forcing him to have a conversation with me seemed less likely.
We finally had our conversation last night, and it lasted almost four hours! Just like the good ol' times, with the only pleasant change being that I was sipping a nice blended scotch the whole time. It's amazing how we can sustain a conversation over such a seemingly long duration. We talked about everything--such as, his health, my health, my depression, the books we were reading, the things we were watching, the podcasts that I wanted him to check out, why I'm not being on Facebook (because of it being intimidating, something that I posted on Reddit and got a few interesting and supportive responses for)--in between spells of laughter and linguistic lessons (from him to me). It felt really good.
Anyway, during this conversation, I introduced him to the concept of mindfulness meditation* as well as the other measures that my shrink/therapist duo are employing in their efforts to get me back on track. Within a few hours of us hanging up, almost serendipitously, I received a link from him which seemed to tie up several things that we were talking about last night. More on that below**.
It may seem strange to others when I confess that I get a lot of strength and courage out of such conversations/interactions. In fact, this entire series of events--from Vinokur posting a photo of me to Facebook to the conversation that we had about me not being on Facebook--may eventually lead to me thawing myself out from Facebook hibernation! Wish me luck! Also, thank Vinokur and Jay! :)
*If you are unaware of mindfulness, I strongly recommend that you check out this video of a Google talk by Jon Kabat-Zinn, the guy who made meditation mainstream in the world of modern medicine.
**I have written in detail about what this link is about on Neverlast. Here's the tweet that Tumblr sent out after I posted it. If you are interested in psychology, you may want to check it out, especially if you have had problems with depression and anxiety.
The conversations that we tended to have usually started with a background of him needing some advice from me regarding his health problems or me needing him as a friend who I trust to confide in during the darkest phases of my depression. Yes, even now, Vinokur is one of the few people that I trust well enough to expose my precarious mental states during crises. However, despite us hanging up almost every time saying something like, "That was very enjoyable. Maybe we should do this more often," we hardly seemed to be able to keep our word and only Skyped once every couple of months or so. This has been severe since early April, when my present phase of depression kicked in. As the usual trend during such phases, I have been avoiding conversations. However, this time around, I've been avoiding Skype conversations as well with almost everyone, including my faithful confidants. In fact, I think I have had only three or four brief conversations, one each with Blummer, Mickles3, and Billiards, but none with Vinokur.
So two night's back, Vinokur wrote me after posting a photo of me on Facebook, which got a lot of reactions. I have also been off of Facebook since early April and all I get are notifications in my email. So I didn't know which photo it was and what the reactions were like. Vinokur had simply written, "Will you have time to talk?" When I receive such messages from him, I usually end up worrying whether there is some big problem in his life that he needs my help with. That's how my mind makes me think. That is, it makes me think that the only reason why someone ever would want to have a conversation with me is because they cannot help avoid it.
My apprehension was slightly alleviated after I told Jay (my boyfriend) that Vinokur had written me. As always, Jay calmed me down and said that may be Vinokur simply wants to talk with me. May be he simply misses you and wants to get back in touch with you. Along with that, Jay forwarded the aforementioned photograph on Whatsapp. Vinokur had taken that photo at a market near our apartment when he visited India in 2008. I felt relieved to see the photo--my fear of something wrong happening in Vinokur's life forcing him to have a conversation with me seemed less likely.
We finally had our conversation last night, and it lasted almost four hours! Just like the good ol' times, with the only pleasant change being that I was sipping a nice blended scotch the whole time. It's amazing how we can sustain a conversation over such a seemingly long duration. We talked about everything--such as, his health, my health, my depression, the books we were reading, the things we were watching, the podcasts that I wanted him to check out, why I'm not being on Facebook (because of it being intimidating, something that I posted on Reddit and got a few interesting and supportive responses for)--in between spells of laughter and linguistic lessons (from him to me). It felt really good.
Anyway, during this conversation, I introduced him to the concept of mindfulness meditation* as well as the other measures that my shrink/therapist duo are employing in their efforts to get me back on track. Within a few hours of us hanging up, almost serendipitously, I received a link from him which seemed to tie up several things that we were talking about last night. More on that below**.
It may seem strange to others when I confess that I get a lot of strength and courage out of such conversations/interactions. In fact, this entire series of events--from Vinokur posting a photo of me to Facebook to the conversation that we had about me not being on Facebook--may eventually lead to me thawing myself out from Facebook hibernation! Wish me luck! Also, thank Vinokur and Jay! :)
*If you are unaware of mindfulness, I strongly recommend that you check out this video of a Google talk by Jon Kabat-Zinn, the guy who made meditation mainstream in the world of modern medicine.
**I have written in detail about what this link is about on Neverlast. Here's the tweet that Tumblr sent out after I posted it. If you are interested in psychology, you may want to check it out, especially if you have had problems with depression and anxiety.
People do not like to be alone - a scientific fact - If you are like me, having grown up in a relatively... http://t.co/c5h2Z89pA7
— Krishna Kumar V. (@krishna_kumar_v) July 27, 2014
Another lesson about friendships
If a person that you love constantly tells you the following – “You will never understand me!” “You never listen to me!” “You never remember anything about me!” - and if that same person gets repeatedly offended by things you say or do, it’s probably better to back off and leave that person alone. At least for quite some time.
The problem, if you can use that word, probably lies with both of you. You may not have the time or patience for taking care of the other person. And/or the other person is not in a position or is incapable of understanding your limitations. Don’t take the brunt of the burden to correct things all by yourself. Efforts have to be bilateral.
Craigie, I will miss you!
A couple of weeks back, over drinks with Joe and me, my best friend Craigie announced that he’s going to leave India and go back to the US. I wasn’t really able to sink the news in, or to have realistic estimation of how much this is going to affect my life.
Quite honestly, I still haven’t really come to terms with it. But I guess, with the abominable visa situations between the two countries, there was no other option for him. I wish him the best of luck with his life and in his search for love (which, I think he might have found just before he left India).
Tonight, he left India. In the memory of the fantastic times that I have spent with him over the years, here’s a beautiful picture of him that recently came up on Facebook. Craigie – I love you! And I will miss you!
The first weekend
So, we sink right in to each other, literally. No major issues apart from the fact that I’m rather overwhelmed by the kindness and affection, which I have longed for so long. I had taken an off on Friday to make this a three-day weekend.
So, we do South Mumbai Friday, visiting all the usual destinations and settling for a late lunch at Léopold's. I was amazed to know that Joe wasn’t aware of the terror attacks on the city three years back. I tried to give him some background as to why the Indian public might not really dig the idea of a white person photographing their city (thanks to David Headley and Slumdog Millionaire). Then, we met my best friend Craigie and had a fun night out at a bar, where as usual, Craigie made the waiters blush with his antics. We also learned how Chicken Lollipops are made.
On Saturday, we do the essential American grocery shopping at Hypercity in the morning, again with the ever resourceful Craigie, settle to stay in for the rest of the afternoon, and go out for a romantic candle-lit dinner in the evening, where Joe tastes authentic Indian cuisine for the first time. Not bad, I thought. I realize that he’s not the kind to like extremely spicy/hot food.
On Sunday, it was newspapers + coffee + breakfast in the morning, followed by Joe’s first experience of watching a cricket match – the India v WI ODI. It went rather well, I thought. Joe showed some interest in understanding cricket, but like a typical American, was clueless about it in the first place. The most memorable part of the day was smoked cheese over crackers along with beer.
By the way, Joe is a fantastic cook and he loves cooking for me. He’s not as much of a drinker as I am but joins in. He also doesn’t hate cricket and loves hanging out. Things look good so far.
Dysfunctional families
I’m sure everyone thinks that they belong to a dysfunctional family. I believe that more dysfunctional relationships exist in families than elsewhere. The more I think of it, the more I believe that this might be true.
Think about it. In any other relationship, people are brought together because they are interested in something that is common to them. The key word here is ‘interested.’ In families, people are together because of ‘relations’ and most probably, they have nothing in common except for this ‘relation’.
Relationships need this commonality of interest to flourish. That’s why friendships stay - if you work on them - whereas familial relationships bite the dust. This is true in my case. I don’t have any truly ‘healthy’ relationship with any of my family members.
What’s your opinion?
Evening in
The other evening with my friend and colleague convinced me that it is time for me to break my shackles and try and reenter socializing actively. Usually, I would sit on such a thought. This time, I didn’t. I invited my friend and fellow blogger Craig, over for an evening in.
The last time we did it, Craigie had brought some CDs over and we had gotten drunk over some good music that he liked. That was two years back. I don’t know what we’ll do, but I was sort of more confident than I was last time. I had six pints of beer and I didn’t know if we would be eating.
I met Craigie near the supermarket near my apartment. We spent some time going over the beer section at the wine shop attached to the supermarket. We didn’t pick up anything from there. Instead, we went over to the food section, I picked up some roast chicken for dinner.
Later, at my apartment, we had a fantastic time with conversations, laughter, and stories over beer. We had to order three more large bottles of beer to last the night. Some six hours of conversation! Excellent.! I’m back on the social map again.
I have already put out an ad on FaceBook for auditioning friends for conversation over drinks. I have already received some replies. Maybe, I’ll find more friends. :)
Plans for the winter
Last year, I had made elaborate plans to use up my leaves (from work). I had plans to go to Goa, Hyderabad, Lucknow etc. None of the plans worked out.
This year, the scene is different altogether. There are hardly any gigs coming up outside Mumbai. Besides, Jan 26, 2011, the date that the Professor and I jokingly agreed to try and forge a relationship by, was looming.
So, after consultation with him yesterday on Skype, I booked my round trip to Lucknow in mid-December. Now, I’ve all of my body appendages crossed hoping that the trip would be a pleasant experience.
Meanwhile, I wrote to my Mom and Dad about them visiting me in the winter. They said they will think about the dates and get back to me. Oh, well!
These lovely words
We all have friends. Friends always need us, especially when they are feeling a little low. Words like these can help make a friend's day.
"Wear a smile today. You look gorgeous in one!"Be generous and compliment your friends.
To my friends: I love you!
My life, despite all its ups and downs, has been characterized by the presence of quality friends. Friends from every facet and phase of my life, and friends from every corner of the world. I'm truly indebted to those friends who care for me deeply and worry about my well being.
To all of you, I thank you, and I love you.
To all of you, I thank you, and I love you.
Keep your friends close and your gays closer
Danny Lehmann, Vinokur’s friend, and his wife Laurie Lehmann are both amazed at the incredible network of gay friends that they have around the world. This includes Vinokur, Yours Truly, and Renato. Each of us have helped Danny in one way or the other to capture wonderful picture of the world around us. Danny himself admits that gay people tend to have more important social contacts that can take you to places.
That’s very true in my life. If someone asks me for a favor, and I can’t personally provide him any help, all I have to do is to look up the necessary number(s) or numbers from my gang of gay friends and send a text message. More often than not, I get an almost instant reply. The end result is usually positive and I would have got the necessary information that I needed.
For helping Danny to shoot prime locations in Mumbai, all I did was ask around half a dozen of my gay friends regarding permissions and logistics of things to do and almost all of them were helpful. Some, of course, said that they would require some time to get things moving and sorted.
The point that I want to make to readers of this blog is this: keep your gays close! More often than not, your gay social network will end up being more resourceful and capable of helping you out in a variety of ways.
That’s very true in my life. If someone asks me for a favor, and I can’t personally provide him any help, all I have to do is to look up the necessary number(s) or numbers from my gang of gay friends and send a text message. More often than not, I get an almost instant reply. The end result is usually positive and I would have got the necessary information that I needed.
For helping Danny to shoot prime locations in Mumbai, all I did was ask around half a dozen of my gay friends regarding permissions and logistics of things to do and almost all of them were helpful. Some, of course, said that they would require some time to get things moving and sorted.
The point that I want to make to readers of this blog is this: keep your gays close! More often than not, your gay social network will end up being more resourceful and capable of helping you out in a variety of ways.
A strange plea for help
A week back, I got this message from a friend of mine. It's about a friend (woman) of his who's finding it hard to come to term with her sexuality and sexual orientation. I'm pasting the contents of the message below.
"i know a very nice, homely, cool girl who is also highly qualified. She likes rock and roll and is a vocalist. she's 24. she's frigid...unable to have sex. family pressure to get married is mounting to a point where she might just decide to end it all. i think you understand better what a fragile situation this is...this is worse than rape.I don't know what to tell my friend. Should I talk to his friend, the woman? Should I suggest that she speak to some counsellor? Maybe someone at Humsafar trust? Do you think she can find someone gay who'll agree to forge a 'marriage of convenience' with her? Is that the right step?
She wants to meet guys who are gay, but have similar pressures on them to settle down "with a girl". This way she can be helped...and someone from the male gay community can also breathe easy.
I'm all for the "coming out of the closet" thing. But Kris i also know that there must be people out there who are struggling with gaining acceptance towards their sexuality. Maybe we can help 2 people...
i have seen her state, man. imagine what she'll have to go through...it bought tears to my eyes...she is a very caring and loving person..."
Farewell to a friendship
I had another chat conversation with my sister this afternoon, the first one after our previous one in which we insulted and hurt each other. As a modus operandi, I started the conversation asking about how things were and how the weather was etc – many of my friends had advised me that it was the best way to go about such an unhealthy relationship. She said she was fine and asked me if I was and we thanked each other. I thought things were working out well. I tried to dilute the conversation by sending her and my Mom a recent picture of me taken at the New Year’s Eve party.
Eventually, however, she brought the topic of our previous conversation. She said that she was sorry to have been so blunt and hurtful. She said that she didn’t like to mask her feelings and wanted to be honest about how she felt about me. I told her that we had fallen out of the friendship that we had – we were each other’s best friends for many years during our combined childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood – and that to maintain whatever that was left, it was best that we became ‘fake’ friends.
I also mentioned that I felt more free during online chats with my mother because she seemed to understand me more and appeared generally kinder and more gentle in her dealings. She seemed hurt – more hurt than me, probably because I already knew how our relationship was going to end up anyway. She said that she would rather be not in close touch than be ‘fake’ friends, to stop being touch with me for some time at least. I couldn’t say anything but ‘yes.’
I guess, things ended up just the way that I had written in the song ‘Hope It’s Over’ about me and her. The final line ‘Yes it is’ sounded a tad too harsh, but it’s exactly what has happened. This is the song that I had dedicated to her in the only gig of mine that she had attended. This was in late 2009, I think. Anyway, an ending which might be sad, but is true.
Eventually, however, she brought the topic of our previous conversation. She said that she was sorry to have been so blunt and hurtful. She said that she didn’t like to mask her feelings and wanted to be honest about how she felt about me. I told her that we had fallen out of the friendship that we had – we were each other’s best friends for many years during our combined childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood – and that to maintain whatever that was left, it was best that we became ‘fake’ friends.
I also mentioned that I felt more free during online chats with my mother because she seemed to understand me more and appeared generally kinder and more gentle in her dealings. She seemed hurt – more hurt than me, probably because I already knew how our relationship was going to end up anyway. She said that she would rather be not in close touch than be ‘fake’ friends, to stop being touch with me for some time at least. I couldn’t say anything but ‘yes.’
I guess, things ended up just the way that I had written in the song ‘Hope It’s Over’ about me and her. The final line ‘Yes it is’ sounded a tad too harsh, but it’s exactly what has happened. This is the song that I had dedicated to her in the only gig of mine that she had attended. This was in late 2009, I think. Anyway, an ending which might be sad, but is true.
Hope It’s Over (2008)
When did I stop being, what I used to be
Where did I start falling, you weren't looking
What did I start chasing, it feels so long
Whom did I leave stranded, I fell so hard, I felt so low
Was it you, was it me, who knows
When did I stop listening, it was deafening
Where did I stop looking, what lies ahead
What did I start wishing, wish I'd be there now
Whom did I try faking, I tried so hard, I felt so lone
Was it you, was it me, who knows
Was it you, was it me, who knows
The hope that is left, is it too heavy to confess
The hope that is left, it's so easy to forget
Was it you, was it me, who knows
Was it you, was it me, is it over?
Is it over?
Yes it is.
There is something about Ray...
Ray and I hadn’t spoken in months. We were getting into a messy situation of how to break the incommunicado. Every couple of weeks or so, an SMS would arrive from him (or for him from me) asking how things were. There would be a customary reply which would be reciprocated by “Isn’t our friendship fading away?” message. We’d mutually agree that we needed to break the deadlock and start afresh. But we were hesitant to do so.
This status-quo lasted until this Sunday, when in a reply to a customary SMS, I told him about my newly-manifested telephobia. He was surprised and asked me if I was being irregular with my medications. I said I was alright otherwise except for this intense telephobia, especially with my family and friends. I added that I didn’t think that telephobia would manifest with him. I didn’t know why, but I was sure that it wouldn’t be the case.
That was the impetus that we needed. I called him to check if my prophecy would be true. It turned out to be true after all. We had a decidedly healthy conversation lasting almost half an hour, where we chatted like old bum-buddies. But we were careful to avoid the topics that would cause trauma to either side. That’s our forté. And that’s what probably lacking in the conversations with other people that I’m telephobic for!
At the end of it all, we are as good we have ever been! Cheers to me and Ray and our friendship!
This status-quo lasted until this Sunday, when in a reply to a customary SMS, I told him about my newly-manifested telephobia. He was surprised and asked me if I was being irregular with my medications. I said I was alright otherwise except for this intense telephobia, especially with my family and friends. I added that I didn’t think that telephobia would manifest with him. I didn’t know why, but I was sure that it wouldn’t be the case.
That was the impetus that we needed. I called him to check if my prophecy would be true. It turned out to be true after all. We had a decidedly healthy conversation lasting almost half an hour, where we chatted like old bum-buddies. But we were careful to avoid the topics that would cause trauma to either side. That’s our forté. And that’s what probably lacking in the conversations with other people that I’m telephobic for!
At the end of it all, we are as good we have ever been! Cheers to me and Ray and our friendship!
A Streetcar Named Desire - All About My Insecurities
Yesterday, I went for a home-theatre movie triple bill at my friend's home. I expected it to be pleasant - the movies, my friends, and the whole experience. It was almost totally pleasant. I was wishing for just the one thing - if only I could leave my mind back home. My insecurities keep popping up everywhere as potential triggers. They indeed did here!
We watched three classic movies - 'A Streetcar Named Desire', 'All About Eve' and 'All About My Mother'. I watched two and a half as I felt sleepy and bored (I don't know which preceded which) through the first one. Apart from a couple of friends of Marlon Brando's who titillated my nonexistent tits, so to speak, I wasn't touched, moved, aroused, amazed, astounded, or even interested.
After Desire, we watched the other two and I was increasingly pleasured by the two others - especially 'All About My Mother'. My friend had chosen these movies as a planned crescendo because Mother had so many references to Eve and Desire. The movies were great, but I wished I could have watched them alone, so that I could pause when I wanted to, sleep when I needed to, and research when I'm forced to. That way I don't need to be wary of the potentially hurtful discussions afterward, when I'd be clueless as a kitten to be swooped off by a vulturous eagle.
See, I don't even remember the name of the characters. Almost everyone on the planet seems to know them by heart. And I can't recollect the most obvious of such details without Wiking/IMBDing. I'm pathetic, I know. But I'll leave whining for a little later.
I'm a tired man, I must remember. I've too many things on my plate that I can't even possibly taste and I'm full almost upto my lower esophagus. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics which supervene on my efforts to maintain wakefullness. I've a minefield of a mind full of blackholes about insecurities of lack of knowledge and exposure to arts, history, and what not.
In such a state, it was foolish of me to have attempted instant redemption. No offence to my lover and friends, I'm not quite up to the mark. I suck at most things that I want to be good at. I agree that I'm good at most things that I end up devoting time to. But there are far too many things, far far too many things, and too little time, which might have been curtailed had it not been for these pills that I'm on.
No one can save this wreck from sinking. But how much more can it float?
We watched three classic movies - 'A Streetcar Named Desire', 'All About Eve' and 'All About My Mother'. I watched two and a half as I felt sleepy and bored (I don't know which preceded which) through the first one. Apart from a couple of friends of Marlon Brando's who titillated my nonexistent tits, so to speak, I wasn't touched, moved, aroused, amazed, astounded, or even interested.
After Desire, we watched the other two and I was increasingly pleasured by the two others - especially 'All About My Mother'. My friend had chosen these movies as a planned crescendo because Mother had so many references to Eve and Desire. The movies were great, but I wished I could have watched them alone, so that I could pause when I wanted to, sleep when I needed to, and research when I'm forced to. That way I don't need to be wary of the potentially hurtful discussions afterward, when I'd be clueless as a kitten to be swooped off by a vulturous eagle.
See, I don't even remember the name of the characters. Almost everyone on the planet seems to know them by heart. And I can't recollect the most obvious of such details without Wiking/IMBDing. I'm pathetic, I know. But I'll leave whining for a little later.
I'm a tired man, I must remember. I've too many things on my plate that I can't even possibly taste and I'm full almost upto my lower esophagus. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics which supervene on my efforts to maintain wakefullness. I've a minefield of a mind full of blackholes about insecurities of lack of knowledge and exposure to arts, history, and what not.
In such a state, it was foolish of me to have attempted instant redemption. No offence to my lover and friends, I'm not quite up to the mark. I suck at most things that I want to be good at. I agree that I'm good at most things that I end up devoting time to. But there are far too many things, far far too many things, and too little time, which might have been curtailed had it not been for these pills that I'm on.
No one can save this wreck from sinking. But how much more can it float?
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