The Circles of Life

The gig at Hyderabad was wonderful. It felt really good to be performing on a big stage in front of a sizeable audience. But even more important for me was my life had completed a circle - one that had started in Y2K.

Back then, I was in Kerala, was in my Final year of MBBS and I had been playing guitars for a couple of years. S. was studying in Kochi and I had gone to visit him. S. took me to meet his friends from the band named Evergreen. We had gone up to their rehearsal pad - a room on the fourth floor of the building in construction that had been converted into a cozy jam pad.

I still remember standing (and in due course, sitting) in awe at the professionalism with which the band was doing their rehearsing. The drummer sounded like a metronome, the guitarists were playing on fucking huge amps, and the bassist was trying to pen in some lines - right in front of me!

I was mesmerized by what I saw and was inspired enough to make me feel that I too needed to reach this level of musicianship and professionalism. This, somehow coincided with the demise of the music TV channels from not just my life, but from our entire generation.

 

Thankfully, I found an immensely satisfying replacement in WorldSpace, the satellite radio service that had infiltrated majorly into my life. I was a big fan of - I still am - the modern rock station BOB. I was listening to Linkin Park, Nickelback (the good old days of the Canadian band), and Coldplay.

Around the same time, I heard a compilation CD called the Great Indian Rock. That CD featured the song PSP 12'' by the band Zero. That was the first time that I had fallen in love with an Indian alternative rock song. It reminded me of what Indian rock music could do – make groovy modern rock. Suddenly, things fell into place. I wanted to write songs like that - I did actually, not quite the same standard, but that's beside the point - some of them are online!

That song was written by the drummer of the band - the multi-talented musician/comedian, Sidd Coutto. Ironically, I hadn't realized that until really late, from the horse's mouth actually, on one night when he was performing at a gig in Mumbai this year.

Now, how does the friggin' circle get completed?

At the Hyderabad gig, I performed on the same stage with both Evergreen and Sidd Coutto (with the band Ankur Tewari and the Ghalat Family). Not only did I perform, I drank, ate, fooled around - all with my rock idols, who inspired me to be what I am.

Now, isn't that sweet!

I'd like to take this opportunity to credit all the idols/icons who I've performed/played with or shared the stage with, in the order idol-hood attainment:

• Rex Vijayan (Avial, former Motherjane)
  
• Sunil and Evergreen (the entire band band)
  
• Sidd Coutto, Bobby Talwar, Rajiv Talwar (from Zero)
  
• Jai Row Kavi, Johan Pais, Sidd Coutto (Helga's Fun Castle)
  
• Teemer Chimulkar, Aniket Waghmode, Janus Sayal, Gilroy Fernandez(Sceptre)
  
• ZomB Menon, Sheldon Dixon (Metakix)
  
• Tony John, Rex Vijayan, Mithun Puthenveetil, Naresh Kamath (Avial)
  

Thank you all for inspiring me me and making me realize my dreams. I hope I can inspire someone to be/do something someday. I'd love to be tagged if you decided to write about it!

I cried in the middle of the night

Yesterday night, I woke up after a bad dream. I was still sleepy and I cried for a few seconds and went back to sleep. The dream deserves a mention as it's only one amongst the many nightmares that I have been having. Most are related to my life, poverty, failure in exams and generalized 'loserhood'.

I had just woken up and I saw my cousin standing next to my bed. Like how I used to do back in Mumbai in my apartment, I had gone to sleep wearing nothing. I got up and and started talking to him. Although he was not acting weird at my nudity, I was getting uncomfortable. As I was in a new room in the new house that my parents had moved into, I was not aware as to where my clothes were. I tried to cut the conversation but my cousin was not interested.

Soon, another cousin came in. And then an aunt came in. All were more or less interested in a gently probing as to why I was not earning and why I had not passed my exams yet. I wished to not be talking to them anymore but I had no escape routes. My sister came into my room and I asked her to give me something to wear so that I could be more comfortable. She nodded and went out.

In a few more minutes, the room was almost full of most of my aunts and uncles and cousins who tried to not leave any possible stone unturned in my miserable life path. Then, my father came shoving the other around him and was surprised to see me naked. He started acting weird and asking me why I was naked. I said I didn't know where my clothes were and that I had asked for help. He started shouting at me saying that I was as useless as I always has been...

I woke up to realize that my nightmare almost parallelled the ones that Vinokur had. The nudity, the helplessness - it was as if we had merged into one mind which was churning up the same dream in different versions of the same movie. I cried for a few seconds hoping to fall back to sleep again. I slept only to have more of such dreams.

Dreams from a weirdo mind/brain - part 3

This is the third in this series about dreams (read part 1, 2). This, I think, really highlights the relationship with my family. From my side, I keep on wishing that they would be more supportive of me. They seem to be until they sort of give up on me. Rest of the interpretation after the dream narrative.

"It was comforting to see that my family finally accepted my personality. They were happy about what I had chosen and were willing to be supportive. I waved to my Mom and my sister and starting along with my companion who also was my guide.

He led me through mountains and valleys and across passages that only he knew of. I remember walking on something that resembled the Great Wall of China. I distinctly remember an instance when I was about to cross the gate which would admit one person at a time and I had to wait because the person going the other way, a very handsome looking gentleman in his forties, was coming across. As we passed I caught him nodding at my companion and passing a hint of smile at me.

Things were going well, I thought. In a couple of days, we were nearing our destination. Finally we reached a big lake which overlooked the wonderful city, my final destination. As I walked to the shore, I saw no boat. I turned back to look at my companion and surprised that it had been my father. I asked him why there weren’t any boats or ferries.

He said ‘Look, I can only lead you to here. You’ll have to take care of yourself.’ As I watched him turn and walk back across the path we had walked, I felt disappointed at the fact that my father had chosen this path despite knowing that I didn’t know how to swim."

Coming to think of it, this is so serious that it doesn’t go with the usual posts on my blog. Anyway, I’d explain a little more about it.

My mental picture of my father and the indifference is clearly illustrated in the fact that I don’t even expect him to be around helping me. In the end, he does act as if he’s not interested in helping which is exactly what I used to get from him in my childhood. I presume the water-body that I’m facing in the last part could either be a metaphorical ‘hurdle’ of coming out or a much more realistic Atlantic ocean between me and Vinokur. The city could very well be New York.

If this got you all bored and stiff, I get much cozier dreams as well. I woke up having pleasant dreams about waking up next to Vinokur (who was sleeping) in his bed. In the dream, I was wondering what to tell him and how he would react when I woke him up and told him that I was there with him.

Another dream that I had a couple of days was a rather hopefully idealistic one in which I had a wonderful time with Noise Market – without any arguments. Just good ol’ fashioned compliments, jokes and jamming for fun!