Oct 29, 2008

I cried in the middle of the night

Yesterday night, I woke up after a bad dream. I was still sleepy and I cried for a few seconds and went back to sleep. The dream deserves a mention as it's only one amongst the many nightmares that I have been having. Most are related to my life, poverty, failure in exams and generalized 'loserhood'.
I had just woken up and I saw my cousin standing next to my bed. Like how I used to do back in Mumbai in my apartment, I had gone to sleep wearing nothing. I got up and and started talking to him. Although he was not acting weird at my nudity, I was getting uncomfortable. As I was in a new room in the new house that my parents had moved into, I was not aware as to where my clothes were. I tried to cut the conversation but my cousin was not interested.

Soon, another cousin came in. And then an aunt came in. All were more or less interested in a gently probing as to why I was not earning and why I had not passed my exams yet. I wished to not be talking to them anymore but I had no escape routes. My sister came into my room and I asked her to give me something to wear so that I could be more comfortable. She nodded and went out.

In a few more minutes, the room was almost full of most of my aunts and uncles and cousins who tried to not leave any possible stone unturned in my miserable life path. Then, my father came shoving the other around him and was surprised to see me naked. He started acting weird and asking me why I was naked. I said I didn't know where my clothes were and that I had asked for help. He started shouting at me saying that I was as useless as I always has been...
I woke up to realize that my nightmare almost parallelled the ones that Vinokur had. The nudity, the helplessness - it was as if we had merged into one mind which was churning up the same dream in different versions of the same movie. I cried for a few seconds hoping to fall back to sleep again. I slept only to have more of such dreams.

8 comments:

the free spirit said...

hmmmm interesting. I think the our sub-conscious portrays our true feelings in the form of a dream. This dream just tells me how hard you are on yourself and how you feel you have shamed and disappointed everyone.
I am no Freud so I may be wrong but Kris parents will always be disappointed in us because in their minds our shortcomings and failures somehow reflect on them and display that they sucked as parents. Not true at all.
You are a strong person and you stand by who you are. That is the road least taken cause its the toughest.
Good luck with your exams and do some meditation or yoga before going to bed.

Anonymous said...

Oh, ow! That totally bites.

You mustn't worry, though... These dreams are a reflection of our thoughts. Stop thinking on those lines, and they'll go away.

Anonymous said...

The clouds will part, the rain will stop, the Sun will shine and tears of sorrow will soon be replaced with those of joy!

You'll have some wonderful years ahead Kris!

Cheers

Rated R

Prash said...

the social pressure ! (cf: the room is filled with full of aunts and uncles) !

Reema said...

Sigh! I too have had my share of bad dreams and often woke up crying.

Anonymous said...

i too have woken up crying.... :(

don't worry much... you will be fine :)

Kris Bass said...

@ All of you: Thank you for your comments. I would have loved to answer all of the comments individually. But I have been a tad busy. So, forgive me.

Rita said...

Oh boy! dream interpreting again.

I find the idea that you are exposed, so to think in a new room, in a new house of your parents gives your dream an interesting twist. If it had been a new room in your own new house, that would mean something entirely different & perhaps the dream would have come to a different conclusion?

Exposed & trapped with no escape routes...no wonder it became a nightmare.

I have a suggestion that might help you overcome your nightmares. This worked for me when I was having a series of nightmares about someone trying to hunt me down & kill me.

Mull your nightmares over while you are awake especially paying attention to where things get out of control. Manipulate the dream in your mind, trying your best to form a clear mental picture & solve your dilemma in a creative way, so you end up in control not whatever is creating the fear.

I did this with my nightmare, then... I had four dreams in a row, it was the same scenario but slightly different circumstances, where I started out being hunted by the killer, but then the dream changed & I was the one who hunted the hunter. I killed him in all four dreams. After that was over, I never dreamed about him again.