The roving eyes of a young Muslim man

My second free servicing for the AC was scheduled today. This morning, I got a call from the company saying that they are sending someone over by 11 am. For modesty’s sake, I put on a pair of small shorts and a t-shirt. I greeted the team of two service guys: one, a twenty something Muslim guy (I can tell) and an adolescent side kick. They started working on the AC and I sat at my computer.

Every now and then, I would go up to my living room to check up on them. Every time I would go, the Muslim guy’s eyes would be fixated on my bobbing crotch. Even when he was talking. Well, I did nothing to change things. I wanted to see how far he would go.

Well, he didn’t go any further – neither did I want him to. But this was a different experience. I have never experienced such visual rape. I must say I enjoyed it.

Hallelujah, freedom after all!

This post might be offensive to many. May be most. But I don’t mean it that way. I’m being honest about what I feel. I feel liberated as if the heaviest burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course, this is related to my previous post titled ‘If you have lived alone for a long time, stay that way’.

So, my parents left for home this morning. And I’m really happy that they did. No offense to them. My apartment is tiny and we really don’t get along well. They were fabulous during their stay and although I did my best to cope with the situation, I didn’t do much with them. In fact, I tried to avoid them as much as possible. That’s the honest truth.

I believe my Mom enjoyed her stay in Mumbai than my Dad and she’s already making plans to come back and have her knees operated in Mumbai. But before she can, I need to make sure that I have a big enough apartment where I can get my own private space so that I don’t feel claustrophobic again.

Mom and Dad – I love you as much as I possibly can. But really, we need(ed) more room to make this work.

Disappointing

It’s been five days since the new refrigerator came home. I did a lot of grocery shopping to welcome it. But I haven’t found the time to change my lifestyle in anyway (that I had planned) to justify the purchase. I haven’t touched the fruits that I bought and the bananas have already gone bad.

How very disappointing!

Dream Sweet Home

I am ashamed about my apartment. And some people, without meaning to be so, make me feel even worse. Most people joke. Some people boast. Some people just make me feel so insecure about my apartment by being where they are in their lives.

I don’t quite know what I can do, with the kind of finances that I have, to upgrade myself to a better apartment where I can proudly invite people over, where I won’t be insecure about what they will think of me. An apartment without infestations, with good ventilations, lighting, and comfortable interiors.

Having said all this, there have been people like Mike, Rob, Bruno, and a couple of others who have visited me in my apartment and said wonderful things about it. I want someone like that now. Someone who will appreciate what is there and how difficult things are to make better.

13 months more

The wave of depression seems to have coincided with the Japanese tsunami. But unlike Japan, I was ravaged by it for about 3 days.

The good news is that I think I'm about to bounce back. I felt good almost throughout the day today. I was more talkative at work and was as usual cracking jokes and making a fool out of myself.

It's good that I started feeling better around the time I'm being asked to renew my membership at the gym. I had my doubts as to whether I should invest in something that I was not being able to put at 100% at.

Of course, when I am in my depressive spiral, everything that I should ideally do feels avoidable. But now that I am out of it, I think I'm going to do it.

So it's the same apartment and the same gym for another 13 months!

A kind landlord

Continuing on with yesterday’s post...

Yesterday evening, my landlord, a wonderful Keralaite man, who has become a good friend of me now, called me. He wanted to know if I wanted to extend my contract. I had decided by then that I had to. Once I agreed, he asked me if I would be willing to consider a hike in the rent.

I had to think twice – I shouldn’t offend this friend of mine, and I had to try and avoid an avoidable raise in my expenses. I told him my situation. I was honest with him. And guess what, he agreed to my proposition of letting me stay another year without increasing the rent.

I’m very thankful to this wonderful man who is playing a major part in my life by offering me his apartment at a relatively cheap rent. I hope people like me who are struggling financially find such kind landlords!

The official birthday threat

My colleagues at work, who I dearly love, to whom I express my love in a very obvious, literal manner on a daily basis, have decided to do something that would be the most unwelcome. They are planning to visit me on Sunday, November 7th, on my birthday—something that I really am not prepared for. In all honesty, this act is going to be very annoying if they eventually pull it off.

They want to do this because I don’t let them celebrate my birthday at work—last year’s birthday came on a Saturday when I had an off day and this years’ is of course on a Sunday. I think they are serious about this and they have given me a warning to clean my apartment up so that it is ‘habitable’ by their standards.

My apartment is never really unclean by any standard. Remember that I’m gay. Also, I have had a history of cleanliness and neatness wherever I have lived. Ask my mother and sister if you need some assurance about this fact. Plus, I have a maid who comes in and does whatever little there is to be taken care off.

Sometimes there are some clothes and guitars strewn around my primarily because there is not enough storage space to put them away. But the main problem with my apartment is that it is dusty and warm. Plus, there are cockroaches and lizards which I don’t really have a problem with because they give me company in my loneliness.

I must admit that I have lost some of the motivation to dust the apartment, take care of cobwebs, and make sure that my sub-mammalian comrades are not excessively proliferating. This coincides with a general lack of motivation that is seeping through my life, especially in all facets of my life other than work. This make me worry a lot—will my colleagues make fun of my apartment’s apparent ‘uncleanness’?

So, in the last two weeks leading up to my birthday, I’ll have to be scared and wary of this impending threat. This is not the right way to shower love to a social phobic, bipolar person like me. Would you you please understand and act accordingly?

Time to break the silence

So many things to write about, but so little time. That's the story of my life. In a nutshell, however, I can catalog it here. Here goes...

• I'm back to being up and down. I'm going through a change of medications (antidepressants/antipsychotics/mood stabilizers etc.), perhaps I'll soon reach a stable baseline.
• Twitter is back into my life. I'm tweeting more than ever. If you are a horny gay male bird wanting to mate with me, follow me or my alter-ego Krishna.
• I'm watching plays and hanging out with friends more often.
• I've finally started having my own mini bar at home. I have started out with whisky (Royal Stag), vodka (Sminnoff classic) and beer (Kingfisher Blue). If you are hunky enough, funny enough, or hung enough, please saunter into my apartment after informing me - you might just have the quiet drink of your life.
• I have decided to not move out of my present apartment. That, ufortunately will happen next year. Or so it seems now.
• I'm planning to join a gym! Yeah, I need to get my waist from the present 31 to past 29!
• I've planning to buy an iPod. I want a gigantic storage space for music/videos/movies. iPod Classic?
• I'm making plans to upgrade (in the next 6 months or so) my existing phone (Sony Ericsson P1i) into something even better! I am looking for QWERTY smartphones preferably with huge touch screens preferably on the Android platform. The options that I'm currently considering are as follows:
  
  
  
  • Motorola Milestone (or Droid)
  • BlackBerry Curve 8520/BlackBerry Bold 9000
  • SE Aspen/SE Xperia Mini Pro
  • LG GW 620
  • Others? (Please suggest)

Procrastination

When Vinokur came to visit me in India, we already had blue-prints for plans to live with each other for the rest of our lives in Mumbai. Despite his obvious health problems, which we hoped would get better, we decided to invest in a few things - a new desk for his computer, a new monitor, a printer etc.

Sadly, things didn’t pan out the way they should have and I found myself with such accessories after he left for NYC. Out of these, I could immediately use the monitor (we had bought a fantastic, big LCD one) and the desk for my personal use. Somehow, the printer was still kept in the box. It’s still in the box. I dare not take it out.

The reason for my hesitation is multifold. First of all, I am hopeful that sooner than later my living conditions will improve to a standard when I won’t need to worry about dust accumulating everywhere. Lame excuse, I know. But even more intimidating is the prospect of it not working properly and I needing to invest some money to make the necessary changes for it to work.

I know it would be wonderful to have a working printer on my computer. I could make printouts of lyrics and other things as and when I want to. But how can I knowingly add another variable to my life which is already struggling to balance itself on the loosest of tightropes?

Similarly, another problem lay packed in a box - my brand new, big, bass amplifier. The reason for its hibernation is weirder. It was originally intended to be our practice-place amplifier when we had the dream of having a decent jamming pad arranged by our record label. That, obviously, didn’t work out. Instead we are practicing at E-boi’s apartment these days.

That, my friends, is something close to the present day Afghanistan. It’s a fucking mess. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. There are electrical shortcircuits, leaks from the overhead tank, flooding of the apartment due to faucets left open, and the possibility of pan-spit/food/beverage soakage at any given time. I can’t possibly keep my new amp there and hope to have a good night’s sleep.

But what’s keeping me from using it at my apartment? I don’t want to let it get dusty and dirty. I want to be able to be in a position where I could guarantee that I can take care of it properly. And, until then, such things will be kept in their boxes. At least I feel more comfortable that way.

Immodesty is my middle name

At least a few of you who actually bother to visit my blog and to read it regularly (the last time I checked it was 11.64 persons on an average week) might remember that I hinted about something related to being a celebrity. I said I am a micro-celebrity, or better one in the making. And I did leave that clichéd teaser ‘Watch this space tomorrow!’ To only those sincere readers, here is why!

So, I’ve been commenting about Queer Azadi march in many forms of electronic media – GB forums, TOI pages, blogs and some celebrity blogs – to be more specifically, one celebrity blog – Shobhaa De’s blog. I commented on her post about Shabana Azmi and other stars (all who happen to be muslims) finding it hard to get an apartment because of their religion. I had said that I had found it extremely difficult for me and Vinokur to get one in Mumbai and I had to even bring R. along to convince that I was ‘normal’.

And then, I commented about her Queer Azadi post saying that I myself don’t prefer to be a drag. I would instead like to portray the image of a responsible young man who is demanding his human rights to love and to live with his love. Since I’m a frequent commentator on her blog, she has taken pains to chat with me about such topics when she gets time.

Kris hears muttering voices say ”Okay, okay! Big deal, you are getting to chat with a celebrity! Get to the point, dick!”

Day before yesterday afternoon, I got an e-mail from our blogging friend Aham tell me that De has mentioned me in her column 'The Sexes'about the Queer Azadi march published in the Aug 31 edition of The Week magazine. I didn’t believe it first. So I had to confirm it with the horse’s mouth and I was surprised that it actually was about me. I went out and got a copy of the week to confirm my micro-celebrity status. I didn’t post it until now because I couldn’t have given the link to you guys as well. Here’s the link. And here’s the excerpt about me.

"I received emails galore from concerned gay friends who were worried they may have to face stepped-up hostility due to the weekend hoopla. One of them wrote how difficult it was to get a flat in Mumbai (his lover is a gora), till he produced a 'wife' (friendly female colleague). He preferred to lie low while members of his community bounced around in boas, puckered their lips and pouted inanities for the benefit of sensation-seeking journos. He said he felt sad, ashamed and embarrassed. Time to introspect before waving that seven- hued flag again, guys!"

Thank you De!

(Turns around and bows to an entire blog audience of 12.34 people per week.)