Sleepless in the night

Sleeping is a difficult task. It becomes even more so when you age. For the last eight weeks or so, I have been having trouble. Initially, it was postoperative pain, then it was aching of the operated limb, and then it was nothing that I could put my finger on.

Yesterday, I woke up at around 3 am and couldn’t fall asleep until about 5.30 am. I feel exhausted now and I think I’ll fall asleep as soon as I try to. But I am also fairly certain that I’ll spend 2 or 3 hours in the night trying to fall asleep again.

This is not something that you can easily fall asleep to.

Worry list for today

• BF’s health
• The relationship, and how my depression is ruining it
• About the next meeting with the BF and what will happen
• About all communications with him, wondering when the next argument/fight will start
• Wanting a bigger backpack to carry things around, but not wanting to disappoint him by not using the bag he bought me.
• Because of the bag situation, packing for staying over at his place, what not to miss.
• Forgetting things in different bags
• The perennial fear of losing/misplacing things while in transit
• Running out of money, long term and short term
• Getting change for 1000 rupee notes, which is what my new bank’s ATM is giving me
• Not finding the new bank’s ATMs
• How to start investing/saving
• How to sort through the company-provided health insurance papers, while realizing that the closest person in my life won’t benefit from it, thanks to Indian law
• Reading articles “positive thinking” and similar self-help articles and wondering why I can’t do any of what they say
• Feeling of being unable to finish any task apart from work (e.g., read a book, learn something, watch a movie)
• About making errors at work and causing client complaints
• About how soon I’ll leave work and when I’ll reach the place I have to get to
• About getting late for things (BF’s apartment, appointments, errands)
• Income tax return filing
• Wanting to exercise (walk/cycle) but not being unable to
• Wanting to wake up early and do something productive, but being unable to
• About how to manage watching live sports and spending time with the BF
• About medications - how to get them (pharmacy is always out of stock) and when I’ll run out of them
• About what I’ll eat in my next meal
• Running errands in general
• Communication with friends
• Impending social outings with friends
• Losing friends because of my antisocial nature
• About making friends and loved ones worry about me
• About the vast amount of things to learn but having little time for it
• Everyday commute in the rains
• Increased travel expenditure, especially suburban rail passes
• Grocery shopping - the experience and how to not forget things

(Originally posted on Neverlast)