"An honest confessional, with a sprinkle of humor and opinion, of an academician/musician seeking happiness"
Find me now on https://enagyginglife.wordpress.com
They say that life’s all about finding a purpose. Something to live for. Something to aspire to. Somewhere to aim at.
I find myself in the mid-dest part of a mid-life lull where I don’t think I know have answers. Not that I claim to always have had answers or that I will have answers moving forward.
But right now, as I type this, I’m in the middle of a week where I just heard yet another reason as to why I won’t be finding some answers.
I find myself at a crossroads without really knowing what I’m doing to earn a living—which is not quite what I was supposed to be doing to earn a living, by the way—is what I’m supposed to be doing.
Sure, everyone has been there or they will be there. No big deal. At least not until they find themselves there.
I know that I want to learn things that I don’t know I want to learn. I know that I want to experience others’ thoughts and feelings and vision in as close a way as possible with the original artistic intent.
With the knowledge that I gain from there, I know I want to write and create art. I know I want to build a legacy with these artistic and creative endeavors.
I suppose I must make it clear that they visions that I have are not restricted to music. As a musician, however, I know that I don’t know if I’m the right performer for the art that I have created thus far.
The idyl of clarity—maybe that’s a bit too far—of a lack of fuzziness. Maybe I’ll have that in a month’s time. Maybe I’ll grow a big enough pair and decide to step away from comforting mediocrity to challenging uncertainty.
There is a lot of that I feel like saying. I don't know if I will be able to say them all. But I feel like I should give it a shot.
Over the last several months (during the COVID-19 lockdown), life has changed for me. Some for the better, some for the worse. I'll start with the better before moving on to the worse.
I have learned so much more in music production. Finished a course and I'm just starting my last in the series. Wrote some songs, produced several others.
I upgraded my home studio setup. I got myself a powerful laptop, monitors speakers, a good electric guitar, and a cheap MIDI controller (that's not working too well).
My home studio setup
My new guitar
I have at least two active projects, both of which might end up releasing songs to the world soon. I have been working on songs for close to two decades, but haven't ever released something substantial in a trusted platform. I had a couple shots at it -- one solo and another with a band -- but both didn't quite materialize the way it did.
Now, with about 50+ full songs in the bag, about 300 more rudiments that could be fleshed out into full songs, and the ones that I could write moving forward, I think I could start the process of releasing them consistently over the next several years.
One of the projects is with a band, the members of which are part of another band that I love dearly. Over the last several months, we have been working on these songs remotely and some of these are starting to come to life.
The journey forward is challenging for me because I think I will be exposing myself to social situations where I'll need to spend a lot of time working on this music as a producer and engineer for this band, which I think is not my strength. Plus, I'm decidedly an introvert at the core, and spending long periods with people (even if they are my friends) will be extremely taxing.
So overall, this seems ambitious but I think it is doable. All I need to make sure is that I should not burn myself out, which I have a tendency of doing.
I have watched a lot of quality content, both movies and TV series. These are the things that generally inspire me to be creative, and I have conceded to the fact that they are not merely entertainment for me. These things make me think in ways that other forms of communication and media don't.
Among these, I must mention my dive back into the wondrous world of Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis, and the charm of good-quality Malayalam cinema. I still remember the time that I started watching Stargate with my friends and work back in 2014 or something, and they ended up finishing the series (the whole pantheon) in a year or so, where I languished in SG-1 for several years until I picked things up earlier this year.
I have rediscovered my love for gaming. I have started off with explore Xbox Game Pass on my Windows PC, but I think I am headed the way of purchasing an Xbox console when I can.
But I haven't been able to read too much. That's something I want to fix. I'm still stuck in Judas Unchained by Peter Hamilton. I have managed to read a few hundred pages in the last few weeks.
Amazingly, I started this book on New Year's day in 2018. I haven't read much other than a few non-fiction books and comics then. I want to finish this off before I start something new, something that will inspire me.
At work, I have gone from the manager of a team to someone who is primarily involved in creating, ideating, and troubleshooting. I'm currently in the last phase of creating an online training course for copyeditor trainees who join my company. This involved a lot of creative processes (with a lot of opportunity for seeding, farming, and harvesting self-doubt, which has more or less brought be back to a phase of full-fledged depression and anxiety.
To add to the mix is the work pressure and stress. I love working but I seem to have a problem with taking care of myself. This sort of thing has been happening at work for over 3 years now, and I have contemplated quitting or seeking other opportunities (less stressful). With my music revenues drying up during COVID-19 lockdown, with very little hope of things getting back to how things were before, I need to have this job to sustain myself and to work on my music.
Working from home might be easy in the sense that I don't have to travel or meet people. But it is difficult to plug yourself off the grid. Plus, after a 10 to 11 hour day of tiring work, I have to spend time to do the household chores. Then there is the music work. This leaves me with not enough time of rest, relaxation, sleep. I am trying my best to achieve that balance by trying to take short breaks to do some chores in between my work tasks.
The one aspect of work that is challenging but sufficiently rewarding to balance the negative effects of stress is the talks that I give to students from various universities about the academic publishing industry and related topics. These tend to be the highlights of my otherwise productive, but stressful and self-doubting, weeks.
I have had a relatively steady state of therapy sessions over lockdown, and I have decided to step up the fortnightly frequency before to a weekly one, considering that I almost fell apart in the last few weeks.
During the lockdown, I spent a LOT of time holed up in my apartment with my partner J. Before lockdown, I never thought I could comfortably spend more than two days with anyone, especially J. We had a stretch of about 4 months together. We were with each other night and day without any breaks!
We were both surprised to find out that we could hold out for this long. Of course, we had fights and arguments, but we also had wonderful shared moments, with lots of wonderful food and shared TV/movie experiences. We regularly had our evening tea on the balcony, with the backdrop of mountains and clouds (on good days) and the cacophony of avian noises at dusk.
For this duration, however, I lost my sense of personal space more and more, and that also has contributed to my triggering of stress, anxiety, and depression. My apartment is tiny by world standards and average by Mumbai standards, and I need the space for my music and to feel free that I can do things I want to do when I want to do. When I am with people, I give away all my space to them. They become the primary beings of the shared space. This is probably why I could never be with people for over a few days.
During the lockdown, I gave up my bedroom and desk to J for most of the day, which limited my access to my recording setup. He might do the cooking, but the cleaning responsibilities were harder and took longer. There was less quiet overall, and J was more or less in charge of the auditory environment.
When I'm alone, I usually have a variety of states where I'll play loud music or have absolute quiet, and I listen to podcasts and talk radio when I am not concentrating on text-based work. This world is shattered when another person shares the space with me. I don't feel like I should destroy their peace by auditorily invading the shared space, which is something that I don't usually get reciprocated for. This builds the tension and anxiety of losing control of the space. I don't know how to get out of this or have the feeling of a truly shared space.
I have finally started finding YouTube useful, especially to learn more about technology, music production, and my niche interests. I often dive into the YouTube maze and come out with learnings and best practices. This also happens with podcasts. In fact, the fact that I'm writing this post is because of the simple strategy that a songwriter espoused on a podcast.
They recommended starting the day and working on something creative. Maybe listening to music or writing. Writing songs or prose.
Because of the work-from-home situation, and because I want to try and finish my work as soon as possible, I end up starting work as soon as possible, which leaves with less creative energy at the end of the day. Today, I wrote some lyrics for a song that I'm working on, recorded a scratch version of it (both for the course), and I felt like writing this blog post.
Some of the lessons that I learned from the things that I read or seek out is how to do music production better. But the problem with knowing more is to find it difficult to get more done with less time. You tend to get lost in what you think you should do instead of what you should do. I used to wrap up demos in hours. Now, that has gone to days, if not weeks. That's not good and I need to figure out a way to make things manageable in terms of time. The latest course that I'm doing has an exercise that mandates that you set timelines for finishing a project. I will try to implement that moving forward.
My therapist tells me that I should try and stare out at nothing (or something pleasant) for short periods during the day. During our sessions, I found out that this activity made me feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my body. My eyes started feeling relaxed and I felt like drifting off to sleep. This morning, I did that by staring at the mountains for a bit. I need to make it a point to do this more often than I have been doing.
I have been finding it difficult to fall asleep at night, especially when I am with J. I don't know why it is that. I tend to feel sleepy if I'm reading something or watching something, but the act of needing to switch off the TV or put away the book and switch of lights wakes me up.
One of the reasons could be the anxiety/stress overall, but I think the frustration of not feeling like I have done anything meaningful in the day is a constant contributor. Thanks to my wonderful upbringing, I have a tendency to feel I'm not good enough for anything or that I haven't done enough to merit existing.
This is both for things at work as well as my music. I know that I'm doing good work, but I always feel like I am not doing enough or that I could have done way better. At work, there is hardly a system where such anxieties are considered and taken care of. Many have left the company because of the unaddressed issues, with more leaving soon. I feel for them, as much as I should be feeling for myself. But as I said above, I need this job at this time.
Over the last year or so, I have more or less pulled out of most social media. The only thing I check occasionally is Twitter. I have also stopped sharing photos. In fact, the joy of photography has somehow been sucked up from inside me. I guess I should treat this as a phase too. Or maybe it is because I don't get to get out of my house anymore.
I am planning to switch of 8-year-old Nexus 5 to something more modern. Something with a decent camera and photography software. I'm not sure if I should go for Pixel 4A or something more expensive and flagship (like the OnePlus 8T or some version of the iPhone).
During the lockdown, I have rediscovered my interest in writing (physical, literal writing) with fountain pens. I have refurbished the ones that I have and I have purchased a couple of good ones. Now, I can even write lyrics paper with real pens!
My not-so-good handwriting
One of the unsettling aspects of lockdown has been finding out that I relate and empathize with the heinous characters in some movies. These characters show psychopathic characteristics. They are murderers, cannibals, and sadists. I don't think that I have any of these characteristics, but I have the sociopathy. What they say about human beings, their sufferings, and how things should end resonates with me. I'm talking about Dr. Hannibal Lecter (played by Sir Anthony Hopkins) and Jame Gumb (Buffalo Bill, played by Ted Levine) from Silence of the Lambs, Tavis Bickle (played by Robert DeNiro) from Taxi Driver, and the young woman (played by Jesse Buckley) in i'm thinking of ending things.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter
Jame Gumb
Robert Bickle
The girl in i feel like ending things
I haven't talked much about Blumenthal. She is as pretty as ever. As I write this, she has gotten under the covers after having had her mail meal for the day.
Blumenthal in all her glory
So that's where I will end this for the moment. This was fun. This was refreshing. Maybe I'll follow my own advice and do this more often.
I wrote about photography earlier. Since drafting the post, I added some photos to it. These are the ones that I feel I should share or I should have shared.
Pretty much everything ends in a disappointment. Happiness is a mirage for those who have figured out a way to set their expectations for everything at manageable levels. For themselves. For those who they surround themselves with. For things you do. For things you are supposed to do well.
No matter what you would like to tell yourself, the things that you end up doing and the things that you are supposed to do well is a mixed bag of things that you did not have much control over. You might be a lawyer or a painter. If you are lucky (read privileged), you might have been able to make this decision yourself without worrying about personal, monetary, and social security. I am sure you would like to think that you had a say in deciding that for yourself.
Sure, a lot of people (including me) had opportunities to make these decisions. But who is to say that these decisions are indeed independent.
What if I tell you that while making the seemingly independent decision to pursue a career, you were influenced by all the things that you have experienced until that decision-making point. And all of that is influenced by the place you grew up in, the people you shared your childhood with you, the stuff you read, the placed where you had your education, and shows you watched on TV, the songs you grew up dancing to, and so on.
For example, maybe if the six-year-old me had not accepted the invitation to play cricket with two grown men who lived in the house behind where I lived, I wouldn't have been a medical doctor or a musician. "How" is an interesting question. The house that I went to play in had kittens and cats and one of two grown men had a great music cassette/CD collection.
Getting exposed to kittens and cats, handling them, getting used to animals, having pets, liking zoology and botany, studying these, giving the entrance test for medicine, enjoy handling/taking care of human beings.
Getting exposed to music [being born in a family with musicians, getting lessons in Carnatic music], borrowing CDs of '70s/'80s/'90s music, listening to these on my hi-fi, meeting friends/neighbors who enjoyed similar music, wanting to emulate some of the music by playing drums on tabletops, picking up guitar after my sister forced me to, enjoying learning songs, feeling great about writing songs, recording/producing songs, moving to Mumbai and exploring a career as a musician, playing live music in Mumbai.
So many things had an influence. Now I am several decades past the decision-making stage. I am left with is a pervasive feeling of disappointment. At least, my life is something that I can see through the filter of disappointment.
I'm not disappointed with my decisions themselves. On the contrary, I'm proud of making these decisions. I'm even okay with the difficult decision of having to give up practice for pursuing music and editing. What I'm not okay with is the inability to help the people who seek guidance from me regarding their health problems. I can help them to a certain extent, but I don't have knowledge/skills and tools/resources to help them the way that I want.
For example, J wants a cure for the dozen or so ailments that he seems to have. I can't give him that. My sister wants a cure for the speech/learning disability that my niece has. I can't help her much other than reading up about some details that she shares. Even if I could have an opportunity to spend more time with my niece and may physically be around her to help my sister with whatever she needs to do for my niece, I can't because of my tendencies to need alone time.
On the other hand, with music, despite my feeling happy/proud of the stuff that I have achieved, I'm constantly disappointed with the improvements that I have not been able to make as a musician and the inability to release the tracks after professionally recording/producing them. When I try to write new stuff, I disappoint myself by not being able to come up with even better stuff that I can come up with.
A year or so back, I was absolutely excited about writing/publishing more music. I was also thrilled at the possibility of exploring higher studies abroad and settling somewhere nice. Around that time, I went out for drinks with a couple of friends. It was a farewell thing for one of the two moving abroad. Somewhere in the conversation, I had said that I thought I would be happier and contended if I were to move abroad and find a place where there are not so many things that annoy me like how Bombay does.
My friend had said, "No. You will find things to get annoyed by. You will find things to worry about. You will not be happy." I saw some truth in this at that time. Since then, I have done close to nothing to change my state of affairs.
Now, I am starting to realize that I'll never be happy. Whatever I do, I'll be dissatisfied with myself. Whatever, I get good at, I'll find ways to be more self-critical than I should be.
Situations could change but disappointment is a constant.
I suffer from depression. During the worst phases, I feel absolutely worthless being alive. Yes, I have thought about suicide several times, and was on the verge of it twice.
I have been thinking about ways to teach myself not to be stupid and not be unempathic to your loved ones. I irony of this strategy may not work out well when your mind is flooded with negative thoughts, when you won’t feel that your suicidal thoughts are stupid and that what you are about to do will hurt all of the people who you love and love you.
In a recent such suicidal thought spree, I decided to list down the people who I may hurt. All of the ones that sprung immediately into my thoughts had some kind of negative associations linked to them - e.g., family, boyfriend, ex-es, childhood friends, friends. All of them would hurt, but in ways that can be compensated by them realizing that I was a worthless piece of shit after all.
Then one image started floating, soon followed by some others, and all of them were similar to each other in an unexpected, strange way. All of these “people”were different from those who I mentioned earlier in some way that matters to me.
I started wondering what the underlying commonality in them all? Of course, all of them would hurt if I took my life. However,theirhurt for what I did would be too unbearable for me - that is, just thinking about these wonderful “people” hurting because of me made me feel guilty about what I was planning on doing.
Although it is somewhat complicated, but still logical in my fucked up brain. And it worked!
It's hard to even think that, just a few measly weeks back, I would have scornfully laughed at the post that I've just started writing. That's how life changes - so fast, so furiously - to grab your balls at the most unpredictable junctures, sometimes so tenderly, and sometimes so painfully. To my unbelievable good fortune, my life's balls have been licked, swallowed, and sucked tenderly almost all throughout out by my post-depression coming out phase.
I have almost forgotten how I was those few weeks back, when I would break my head in despair as to why I should not enjoy life as it blooms in front of me. This is despite my eternally optimistic and romantic tendencies, which make me forgive even the cruelest of people who have hurt me in the most grueling ways. The mantra is simple -seize the moment, live the present.
How can you be oblivious of such a simple, seemingly obvious principle? Well, by missing out on the treasures that life offers during phases of meekness, stupidity, and of course, depression. I guess if you have ever gone through a phase when you realize that you did not get to meet the love of your life just because you did not search an online personals site three years earlier (than when you eventually meet him [or her for that matter]). This hits you hard when you also realize that during this period of extra time, you could have perfectly figured out a life that you have always dreamed about. Once such things are experienced once, you should ideally not repeat your mistake.
Similar stuff - you don't meet a potential spouse who has been living in the same city, who you would find perfect, who would find you perfect, just because either of you decided to not hang out in social situations through this period. When you meet him (or for that matter, her), you spend your entire time wondering why, why, why didn't we run into each other before? What could have happened had we done that? Whatall did we miss? Would you get it all back through another person, in another version of your desired present?
It's ironic that I can compare - it's also weird that I choose to compare - this particularly serious life situation to something as trivial as a common cold. When you are fit and fine, do you ever miss how your nose feels unblocked, how your throat and larynx are so well lubricated as to make swallowing, talking, singing so easy, how your mouth tastes nothing but the materials you want to eat, and how your body feels great without aches and pains? You don't. Not until you have the dreaded coryzal attack.
I hope I will choose to read this post when I am acting stupidly and not enjoying and engaging life!
Yesterday, I went for a home-theatre movie triple bill at my friend's home. I expected it to be pleasant - the movies, my friends, and the whole experience. It was almost totally pleasant. I was wishing for just the one thing - if only I could leave my mind back home. My insecurities keep popping up everywhere as potential triggers. They indeed did here!
We watched three classic movies - 'A Streetcar Named Desire', 'All About Eve' and 'All About My Mother'. I watched two and a half as I felt sleepy and bored (I don't know which preceded which) through the first one. Apart from a couple of friends of Marlon Brando's who titillated my nonexistent tits, so to speak, I wasn't touched, moved, aroused, amazed, astounded, or even interested.
After Desire, we watched the other two and I was increasingly pleasured by the two others - especially 'All About My Mother'. My friend had chosen these movies as a planned crescendo because Mother had so many references to Eve and Desire. The movies were great, but I wished I could have watched them alone, so that I could pause when I wanted to, sleep when I needed to, and research when I'm forced to. That way I don't need to be wary of the potentially hurtful discussions afterward, when I'd be clueless as a kitten to be swooped off by a vulturous eagle.
See, I don't even remember the name of the characters. Almost everyone on the planet seems to know them by heart. And I can't recollect the most obvious of such details without Wiking/IMBDing. I'm pathetic, I know. But I'll leave whining for a little later.
I'm a tired man, I must remember. I've too many things on my plate that I can't even possibly taste and I'm full almost upto my lower esophagus. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics which supervene on my efforts to maintain wakefullness. I've a minefield of a mind full of blackholes about insecurities of lack of knowledge and exposure to arts, history, and what not.
In such a state, it was foolish of me to have attempted instant redemption. No offence to my lover and friends, I'm not quite up to the mark. I suck at most things that I want to be good at. I agree that I'm good at most things that I end up devoting time to. But there are far too many things, far far too many things, and too little time, which might have been curtailed had it not been for these pills that I'm on.
No one can save this wreck from sinking. But how much more can it float?
Two people in love like no other Must realize that not much further They will fall out of love for each other That's no shame, it's quite natural
To ease the pain, my fellow lovers Won't you listen to me, and consider To make a pact, preamble, for each other For when there ain't love, for the other
Put it down, when you still love each other Your words will be kind and gentle, no bother A play, a poem, some prose, oh whatever To try and make it last forever
And act it out, without each other When you have time sans the other Because all that matters are the words, my lovers And I know you love each other, like no other
One of the biggest feelings of relief in everyday life is to find somebody else in the who is as crazy/neurotic/obsessive about something you are too. And I'm not talking about it in the negative way at all. The other day, I and SM (the colleague from office who has suddenly leapfrogged from nowhere to become one of my dearest friends) discovered one more of these between the two of us - a requirement to plan for social outings and stick to the plan.
Both I and her (and for that matter Vinokur too) require dinner plans, hang out plans to be defined and structured at the earliest possible opportunity. It's a pain that people don't understand how important this is to save time and to avoid unnecessary mental qualms. Usually, arriving at a date is done and the nitty gritty of the time, and in some cases the location, is not decided. The decision is put off until the last minute, thus wasting a lot of time and mental energy.
Some other times, decisions are made within the subconscious and are expected to be transmitted through some advanced telepathic communication devices. This could perhaps work out in the Matrix, or in an Asimov novel - but not in present day real life, honey! Why is communication so diffcult and apparently intimidating in this the second decade of the new millennium?
Such questions, when posed, are either met with another phase of unresponsiveness, an outcry of denial of wrongdoing mashed with imposition of inhumane rules, or rage. The result, unfortunately, whichever the outcome, drives the initiator/perpetorator mad and sometimes feeling guilty for a commendable deed! I am a very common recipient of this hurt. How I wish sometimes if I had a neuronal whip from the same Asimov novel to beat these apparently ruthless souls to submission.
Hope's always the cure for the eternal optimist, but it is mischievous! The one unblasphemized result is the joy of finding that you are not alone in this cruel cruel world. So get out there and mingle and find similar blemishes in others!
