In the last seven days or so...

• Jan 5th - I'm in the middle of being set-up with this guy who is kinda cool by a couple of friends at the GB Sunday meet. I'm excited about it and surely this guy looks interesting. I talk to him over the phone hoping to meet up sometime during the day but due to a GI disturbance at the other end, we postpone it to the next possible time - which is the next day. Funny thing, he sounds like an American over the phone! Strange!
  
  
• Jan 6th - I meet up with this charming guy at the Jehangir art gallery where he is buying a sculpture. The first thing we do after meeting up is to go over to a sculpture of a head of a man which he was planning to bu. He asked me what I thought about it. I blurt out 'It looks like you. You are probably narcissistic and that's why you are buying it.' Everybody laughs nervously and I throw head my back in the Will and Grace style hoping that it wouldn't be the end of my date.
  
  Thankfully, the date keeps on going. We hang out at another art gallery where he buys paintings and other piece of art which he's taking back to the US with him. We have a delicious Parsi restaurant in Colaba which is where he frequented when he was a child. He invites me over to his luxurious house (houses) where we end up talking and making out and I get laid eventually. This, despite me being in a state of nervous anxiety with excitement - this guy is very attractive! I guess I'll have to catch my breath now (I'm typing this moments away from knowing my exam results; ergo, I'm jittery) and describe this person.
  
  His name is Bach. Anything more about his life is going to invade his privacy. Just that he's retired and he lives in the US most of the year. He's handsome, charming, intellgent, funny and very, very attractive.
  
  As the evening grows old, he introduces me to his friends who are visiting him and we have a conversation. At the end of that, I'm not quite sure what's going to happen. All I know is that I want to be with him. He offers me if I want to stay over for the night. 'I don't mind.' is what I say which is couldn't be farther from the truth. So, we end up spending the night cuddling up and talking and getting to know each other better.
  
  
• Jan 7th - We spend the day together when I get to meet more of his friends and family. I'm getting more and more attracted to him. He doesn't deny it either. He's very careful about one thing though - he makes it very clear that he's not going to be here in India most of the year and hence, we should keep ourselves in check always.
  
  
• Jan 8th - I leave early morning from his place for a rehearsal session with Noise Market. I'm tired but excited. As soon as the practice session ends, I dress up and head over to his place with my guitar and some changes. The guitar was because he wanted to hear me sing and he was inviting a few friends over for a 'farewell party' for him as he is boarding a plane on Saturday night back to the Snakes. I get to interact with the most precious person in his life; his adopted son. Later on, he joins me as a 'date' for the release of the album of our friends - Swarathma - Jay was the only person from the band who joined in. The night is another tired night for both of us as we haven't been able to sleep with each other around.
  
  Something else happened - I got to realize that the judgement of the High Court about the Section 377 is going to come very soon and I am one of the people who is supposed to talk to the media (in Malayalam) about it. Along with the fact that I was moved by Bach's out life-style and the way he is accepted by the family, I decide to come out to my parents no matter what after the results come out - positive or negative.
  
  
• Jan 9th - Bach is busy in the morning with some errands to run and I leave his home early to think of buying something for him as a gift - he was being so nice to me. I end up buying a USB pen drive (cheap, lame-ass gift: only because he had big fat UFO esque looking one with him which really didn't go with his elegance) from Lamington road. I walk around the Fort area and eventually buy him an elegant black kurtha pajama - he loves black, and red. I end up meeting T. (E-boi's better half) at her college just to kill some time before I can meet up with Bach again. Late afternoon, we are back in his house but he's tired and decides to take a nap.
  
  I decide to rehearse some songs that I want to sing for him - songs that I chose based on what I knew about him and myself and situation that we found ourselves in while he naps. At around 5.30 pm, I get to know that the results of my exam are out and I try to find them out. But the university has closed and I can't know them until Monday. I'm a tense little fuck. Later on, we both dress up in kurtha pajama sets of white and black respectively for the party. There are just very few people in the party - some of them who might be jealous of me being with Bach. I get high on Cognac and sing a few songs along with the most wonderful singer/solo artist who is a friend of Bach's - some of them which might have been considered boring and inappropriate - if only people would understand why I chose them.
  
  The most incredible thing happened then. I got a call from Xander who is in Dubai and because of my 'high' state and my nervous, emotional state - I end up talking with him. That must have been awkward in the context of an intimate party situation. Bach and I have another night were we discuss more serious issues about my career, future etc. Bach honestly believes that I should fix a date after which I'll have to take surgery back up as a career option if my music career doesn't take off. We have a wonderful night of sexual pleasure.
  
  
• Jan 10th - Another day of errands on top of 'goodbyes' to the family and friends for Bach and I leave his apartment and head back home agreeing to meet later on in the night to say goodbye and seeing him off at the airport. On my way, I change my guitar strings and end up buying a Hohner blues harmonica set just because I was ravaged by the thoughts of the various possibilities with it. The day is spent in anxiety and fear of separation.
  
  Later in the evening, I go help him pack the stuff. He's a nervous wreck himself with the prospect of travel and 'relocating' after 3 months. He claims to his friends that I have been helpful in making him feel much more comfortable over the past few days. That makes me feel happy. We leave for the airport and he makes it fairly obvious to me that I shouldn't get carried away with what has happened and not expect an 'virtual' relationship with him. He suggests we'll take it up once more when he comes back to India. It does make a lot of sense. I feel that my brain is learning to fight the heart and at least keeping the bout alive. I leave him off at the airport and come back to pour my heart out to Vinokur who is happy that I'm happy.
  
  
• Jan 11th, Sunday: An entertaining practice session with Noise Market and a couple of wonderful documentary films at Humsafar comprise most of my day. In the night I talk to Ray, my sister and Vinokur about the entire situation regarding exams and coming out. I fiddle around with harmonicas and guitar and feel really good. Just before hitting the sack, I get a message from Bach saying that he has reached home safely. I'm happy and hopeful. :) Oh wait, the results are not out yet. I'm not happy and I'm anxious! :(

Job hunt

I've been very busy these days despite the exams being over. I suppose I am rather 'off' the boil with the blogging scene now that I have been away for a long period now. The terrorist attacks sort of kept be busy at home. They sort of prevented me from going downtown to do the things that I most loved doing - watching movies and hanging out.

Now that I have given the exams, I have the liberty to actually search for job hunts. This involves a lot of time at the job portals and creating your own resume etc. I have never done that. Doctors in India usually don't do that I suppose. Anyway, I have started hunting for both medical and non-medical jobs. I really want to go and something related to music which would give me the flexibility to pursue my music career as well.

But tomorrow, I have an interview - my first ever at a hospital. I've prepared a make-shift resume and gotten it printed out. I am sure I don't have decent enough outfit to wear but I guess I'll have to learn to live with what I have. Lets see what the hunt has in store for me as the treasure.

And I am back

My exams are over. The last one, the toughest of them all, happened about a couple of miles from the places were random people were being shot. The couple of hospitals under attack were part of the group of hospitals where the exam was held. Yesterday morning, when I left my apartment at dawn for the exam, I wasn't aware of any bullshit happening. Ironically Vinokur had sent me a message when I was in a rickshaw saying that there won't be any exam in Mumbai revealing that the city was under terrorist attack.

I am sorry about all this; more so that some other I suppose. Why? Because of the inane sensationalistic coverage and analysis of this going on on the tube. Reporters, citizens, celebrities, victims ranting about the spirit and resilience of the city which has been finally 'broken' through. 'Enough is Enough - India's 9/11' is NDTV's tag line. Mahesh Bhatt says 'Sometimes, tragedy helps bring people together.' One piece of analysis made me sure about who our next prime minister should be - Sourav Ganguly: the analyst wanted 'proactiv leadership' and you have to 'constantly innovate'.

Ironically, all these channels proclaim to want help change the situation - to not create panic. How about not sensationalizing? How about asking people to remain calm and go and do the things that they would do otherwise. Okay, don't head to the Taj for a seven-star dinner. But you can go out to the Juhu chowpatty to have Pani Puri right? Instead - they have closed schools, asked movie halls to shut down and cancelled cricket matches in other parts of India as well.

Yeah, that's so encouraging. Show the terrorists that we are soft. That we can be affected. That they can control us. That's such a strong message.

Sound theory

You can't imagine how boring it is to seclude yourself to studying everyday. My seclusion has extended a few notches further with me minimising the conversations that I have with friends and going out as less as I can. Hell, it's been four days since I 'talked' to Vinokur. I don't know why I feel like I would do better by staying off contact. Just 10 more days before I can re-calibrate my life.

Anyway, to convert those boring low-productivity afternoons into something meaningful, I've taken up a little side-business. I am trying to figure out some songs and trying to figure why they sound so beautiful and interesting. For someone who doesn't understand music theory, this might sound weird. But this is actually fun.

To make things a little easier to understand, I'm figuring out the little motifs that are found in popular music and trying to figure out why they sound 'good'. Of course, most of music is not intentionally written to sound this way. But those songs we end up liking usually are weirdly interlinked. What do I get out of this? Some harmless, recreational, educative fun. Weird combination of words I suppose. Finally though, I hope to incorporate some of this knowledge into writing songs.

This time, last year

This time last year, I was at a great restaurant in Bandra having a party with almost the who's-who of my life then. Life was great. Vibrant, full of hopes and expectations. My friends Dr. R., Sandy, E-boi, Xander, Parry, his girlfriend - all took turns to wish Vinokur his birthday.

Tonight, I sit at my computer trying to wonder what really went wrong. I feel like run-down by a train - a train of responsibilities and challenges that I was not able to keep up with.

Today's exam was the worst ever in my life. Apart from being reporting about half an hour late for the exam thanks to a slow wrist watch, I couldn't answer even one question out of the 9 ones with any semblance of quality. I think any of you (non-medicos) would have fared equally with me in this test. Needless to admit, but my confidence and self-esteem, upto the barest of minimums, has been deflated. Anyone, any fucking person in this world can defeat me now.

As expected, the only fun of this month has passed. It was the gig at Not Just Jazz by the Bay - Shoonyas gig, that is. These are a few pics.

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I cried in the middle of the night

Yesterday night, I woke up after a bad dream. I was still sleepy and I cried for a few seconds and went back to sleep. The dream deserves a mention as it's only one amongst the many nightmares that I have been having. Most are related to my life, poverty, failure in exams and generalized 'loserhood'.

I had just woken up and I saw my cousin standing next to my bed. Like how I used to do back in Mumbai in my apartment, I had gone to sleep wearing nothing. I got up and and started talking to him. Although he was not acting weird at my nudity, I was getting uncomfortable. As I was in a new room in the new house that my parents had moved into, I was not aware as to where my clothes were. I tried to cut the conversation but my cousin was not interested.

Soon, another cousin came in. And then an aunt came in. All were more or less interested in a gently probing as to why I was not earning and why I had not passed my exams yet. I wished to not be talking to them anymore but I had no escape routes. My sister came into my room and I asked her to give me something to wear so that I could be more comfortable. She nodded and went out.

In a few more minutes, the room was almost full of most of my aunts and uncles and cousins who tried to not leave any possible stone unturned in my miserable life path. Then, my father came shoving the other around him and was surprised to see me naked. He started acting weird and asking me why I was naked. I said I didn't know where my clothes were and that I had asked for help. He started shouting at me saying that I was as useless as I always has been...

I woke up to realize that my nightmare almost parallelled the ones that Vinokur had. The nudity, the helplessness - it was as if we had merged into one mind which was churning up the same dream in different versions of the same movie. I cried for a few seconds hoping to fall back to sleep again. I slept only to have more of such dreams.

The wrath of the Professor

I had a long lecture on the phone with Professor X yesterday night. He virtually scolded me and asked me to get back to my senses. He drove home the point that I was living in a dream inside my head and I needed to wake up; wake up to realize that Vinokur will probably be never coming to India and that I needed to get to NYC.

For that, I needed to get my act together in India and pass my exams and earn some money. He also pointed out that I have been struggling to live with the tougher decisions that I had made. He suggests that if I can't execute them, maybe I shouldn't be taking them. Medicine Vs. Music, Love Vs. Everything else etc.

Interestingly enough, that helped me. It helped me to realize that I am the one who needed make things happen. To pass exams, to earn some money and to make my endeavors succesful. Today, I could only spend a few hours of studying because of the practice sessions that I had lined up. But I felt I was able to concentrate well. I was able to feel so much more at ease after the scolding from Professor X. I thank him for that. I'm grateful to have such good friends.

Among other interesting things in my life, my article on the movie Rock On got published at Mutiny.in. It took a long time, a couple of weeks actually, for that to happen. But it did. I was feeling rather bad to not have written anything new which is interesting enough to be posted on Mutiny.