"An honest confessional, with a sprinkle of humor and opinion, of an academician/musician seeking happiness"
Find me now on https://enagyginglife.wordpress.com
We’re in 2023. At least I am. Not sure you are. Not sure if the world is.
In the age of ultra-, mega-, super-connectivity, I’m sitting in a local train trying to latch on to a cloud-hosted work document to finish something that I couldn’t finish at work. Yeah, unlike so many other days, I had a tight workday.
A tight workday basically means working through your shift with high levels of concentration. Also means giving yourself and your personal life not much importance during the workday. I suppose the corporate world would want more people to have more tight workdays, but I’m pretty darned sure that few people would want themselves to work tighter than they already are, which, in my opinion, is too tight.
Tangent: just realized that the word used for defining when you work seems to suggest that there would be variability, but in reality, it implies that there shouldn’t be variability. Ah, the irony of borrowed words for other purposes.
So I couldn’t find time to finish what I thought I should finish. Which is something that I feel perennially. And to make myself feel a little bit better, I try to extend my workdays at either end by making myself do more personal things during the work days. That is, a looser work day. Yeah, that does make me a loser because I’m someone who not only knows that what I’m doing is unhealthy, hell I even teach people at work to not do such stuff.
So, here I am, the loser, at the end of the tight workday, trying to make things looser by working beyond my shift. Because I feel better when I do this. A trait of losers, evidently.
The point that I’m trying to make, however, is that I’m on the go. Since the time I frustratingly stopped refreshing my browser, trying in vain load my cloud work document, and started typing this, I must have traveled about 15 kilometers. North to South on the Mumbai Suburban rail network. Flew (figuratively) from around the airport to the north of the original island. From the ‘burb to the ‘bay.
My reverse-faucet for accessing the internet is my phone, and Airtel, which promises a bunch of stuff including unparalleled connectivity across the nation, failed at a very basic 2023 task. Connectivity to the internet. That’s basic even in 2003 I would argue.
So the question is—are we really in 2023? Or is 2023 different for different people. Is my 2023 not the 2023 that was allocated to the place that I find myself in? And how is that fair? How is anything fair?
Tangent: Why the hell is fair, a racist word at best, used for implying that things are non biased toward anyone?
There is a lot of that I feel like saying. I don't know if I will be able to say them all. But I feel like I should give it a shot.
Over the last several months (during the COVID-19 lockdown), life has changed for me. Some for the better, some for the worse. I'll start with the better before moving on to the worse.
I have learned so much more in music production. Finished a course and I'm just starting my last in the series. Wrote some songs, produced several others.
I upgraded my home studio setup. I got myself a powerful laptop, monitors speakers, a good electric guitar, and a cheap MIDI controller (that's not working too well).
My home studio setup
My new guitar
I have at least two active projects, both of which might end up releasing songs to the world soon. I have been working on songs for close to two decades, but haven't ever released something substantial in a trusted platform. I had a couple shots at it -- one solo and another with a band -- but both didn't quite materialize the way it did.
Now, with about 50+ full songs in the bag, about 300 more rudiments that could be fleshed out into full songs, and the ones that I could write moving forward, I think I could start the process of releasing them consistently over the next several years.
One of the projects is with a band, the members of which are part of another band that I love dearly. Over the last several months, we have been working on these songs remotely and some of these are starting to come to life.
The journey forward is challenging for me because I think I will be exposing myself to social situations where I'll need to spend a lot of time working on this music as a producer and engineer for this band, which I think is not my strength. Plus, I'm decidedly an introvert at the core, and spending long periods with people (even if they are my friends) will be extremely taxing.
So overall, this seems ambitious but I think it is doable. All I need to make sure is that I should not burn myself out, which I have a tendency of doing.
I have watched a lot of quality content, both movies and TV series. These are the things that generally inspire me to be creative, and I have conceded to the fact that they are not merely entertainment for me. These things make me think in ways that other forms of communication and media don't.
Among these, I must mention my dive back into the wondrous world of Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis, and the charm of good-quality Malayalam cinema. I still remember the time that I started watching Stargate with my friends and work back in 2014 or something, and they ended up finishing the series (the whole pantheon) in a year or so, where I languished in SG-1 for several years until I picked things up earlier this year.
I have rediscovered my love for gaming. I have started off with explore Xbox Game Pass on my Windows PC, but I think I am headed the way of purchasing an Xbox console when I can.
But I haven't been able to read too much. That's something I want to fix. I'm still stuck in Judas Unchained by Peter Hamilton. I have managed to read a few hundred pages in the last few weeks.
Amazingly, I started this book on New Year's day in 2018. I haven't read much other than a few non-fiction books and comics then. I want to finish this off before I start something new, something that will inspire me.
At work, I have gone from the manager of a team to someone who is primarily involved in creating, ideating, and troubleshooting. I'm currently in the last phase of creating an online training course for copyeditor trainees who join my company. This involved a lot of creative processes (with a lot of opportunity for seeding, farming, and harvesting self-doubt, which has more or less brought be back to a phase of full-fledged depression and anxiety.
To add to the mix is the work pressure and stress. I love working but I seem to have a problem with taking care of myself. This sort of thing has been happening at work for over 3 years now, and I have contemplated quitting or seeking other opportunities (less stressful). With my music revenues drying up during COVID-19 lockdown, with very little hope of things getting back to how things were before, I need to have this job to sustain myself and to work on my music.
Working from home might be easy in the sense that I don't have to travel or meet people. But it is difficult to plug yourself off the grid. Plus, after a 10 to 11 hour day of tiring work, I have to spend time to do the household chores. Then there is the music work. This leaves me with not enough time of rest, relaxation, sleep. I am trying my best to achieve that balance by trying to take short breaks to do some chores in between my work tasks.
The one aspect of work that is challenging but sufficiently rewarding to balance the negative effects of stress is the talks that I give to students from various universities about the academic publishing industry and related topics. These tend to be the highlights of my otherwise productive, but stressful and self-doubting, weeks.
I have had a relatively steady state of therapy sessions over lockdown, and I have decided to step up the fortnightly frequency before to a weekly one, considering that I almost fell apart in the last few weeks.
During the lockdown, I spent a LOT of time holed up in my apartment with my partner J. Before lockdown, I never thought I could comfortably spend more than two days with anyone, especially J. We had a stretch of about 4 months together. We were with each other night and day without any breaks!
We were both surprised to find out that we could hold out for this long. Of course, we had fights and arguments, but we also had wonderful shared moments, with lots of wonderful food and shared TV/movie experiences. We regularly had our evening tea on the balcony, with the backdrop of mountains and clouds (on good days) and the cacophony of avian noises at dusk.
For this duration, however, I lost my sense of personal space more and more, and that also has contributed to my triggering of stress, anxiety, and depression. My apartment is tiny by world standards and average by Mumbai standards, and I need the space for my music and to feel free that I can do things I want to do when I want to do. When I am with people, I give away all my space to them. They become the primary beings of the shared space. This is probably why I could never be with people for over a few days.
During the lockdown, I gave up my bedroom and desk to J for most of the day, which limited my access to my recording setup. He might do the cooking, but the cleaning responsibilities were harder and took longer. There was less quiet overall, and J was more or less in charge of the auditory environment.
When I'm alone, I usually have a variety of states where I'll play loud music or have absolute quiet, and I listen to podcasts and talk radio when I am not concentrating on text-based work. This world is shattered when another person shares the space with me. I don't feel like I should destroy their peace by auditorily invading the shared space, which is something that I don't usually get reciprocated for. This builds the tension and anxiety of losing control of the space. I don't know how to get out of this or have the feeling of a truly shared space.
I have finally started finding YouTube useful, especially to learn more about technology, music production, and my niche interests. I often dive into the YouTube maze and come out with learnings and best practices. This also happens with podcasts. In fact, the fact that I'm writing this post is because of the simple strategy that a songwriter espoused on a podcast.
They recommended starting the day and working on something creative. Maybe listening to music or writing. Writing songs or prose.
Because of the work-from-home situation, and because I want to try and finish my work as soon as possible, I end up starting work as soon as possible, which leaves with less creative energy at the end of the day. Today, I wrote some lyrics for a song that I'm working on, recorded a scratch version of it (both for the course), and I felt like writing this blog post.
Some of the lessons that I learned from the things that I read or seek out is how to do music production better. But the problem with knowing more is to find it difficult to get more done with less time. You tend to get lost in what you think you should do instead of what you should do. I used to wrap up demos in hours. Now, that has gone to days, if not weeks. That's not good and I need to figure out a way to make things manageable in terms of time. The latest course that I'm doing has an exercise that mandates that you set timelines for finishing a project. I will try to implement that moving forward.
My therapist tells me that I should try and stare out at nothing (or something pleasant) for short periods during the day. During our sessions, I found out that this activity made me feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my body. My eyes started feeling relaxed and I felt like drifting off to sleep. This morning, I did that by staring at the mountains for a bit. I need to make it a point to do this more often than I have been doing.
I have been finding it difficult to fall asleep at night, especially when I am with J. I don't know why it is that. I tend to feel sleepy if I'm reading something or watching something, but the act of needing to switch off the TV or put away the book and switch of lights wakes me up.
One of the reasons could be the anxiety/stress overall, but I think the frustration of not feeling like I have done anything meaningful in the day is a constant contributor. Thanks to my wonderful upbringing, I have a tendency to feel I'm not good enough for anything or that I haven't done enough to merit existing.
This is both for things at work as well as my music. I know that I'm doing good work, but I always feel like I am not doing enough or that I could have done way better. At work, there is hardly a system where such anxieties are considered and taken care of. Many have left the company because of the unaddressed issues, with more leaving soon. I feel for them, as much as I should be feeling for myself. But as I said above, I need this job at this time.
Over the last year or so, I have more or less pulled out of most social media. The only thing I check occasionally is Twitter. I have also stopped sharing photos. In fact, the joy of photography has somehow been sucked up from inside me. I guess I should treat this as a phase too. Or maybe it is because I don't get to get out of my house anymore.
I am planning to switch of 8-year-old Nexus 5 to something more modern. Something with a decent camera and photography software. I'm not sure if I should go for Pixel 4A or something more expensive and flagship (like the OnePlus 8T or some version of the iPhone).
During the lockdown, I have rediscovered my interest in writing (physical, literal writing) with fountain pens. I have refurbished the ones that I have and I have purchased a couple of good ones. Now, I can even write lyrics paper with real pens!
My not-so-good handwriting
One of the unsettling aspects of lockdown has been finding out that I relate and empathize with the heinous characters in some movies. These characters show psychopathic characteristics. They are murderers, cannibals, and sadists. I don't think that I have any of these characteristics, but I have the sociopathy. What they say about human beings, their sufferings, and how things should end resonates with me. I'm talking about Dr. Hannibal Lecter (played by Sir Anthony Hopkins) and Jame Gumb (Buffalo Bill, played by Ted Levine) from Silence of the Lambs, Tavis Bickle (played by Robert DeNiro) from Taxi Driver, and the young woman (played by Jesse Buckley) in i'm thinking of ending things.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter
Jame Gumb
Robert Bickle
The girl in i feel like ending things
I haven't talked much about Blumenthal. She is as pretty as ever. As I write this, she has gotten under the covers after having had her mail meal for the day.
Blumenthal in all her glory
So that's where I will end this for the moment. This was fun. This was refreshing. Maybe I'll follow my own advice and do this more often.
I wrote about photography earlier. Since drafting the post, I added some photos to it. These are the ones that I feel I should share or I should have shared.
It's been a long six months. Six months since the last time I wrote here. Six months since I thought things had changed. They indeed have. The world is not what it used to be. I'm not what I used to be.
COVID-19 is here to stay. It has changed the world. It's been almost four months since lock-down was first imposed in India and in Mumbai. We are still working from home. Possibly forever in some way or the other. Walking around without a mask, commuting for leisure, going to the movies, performing and watching live music, dining out, and vacations/travel all seem so unattainable. Maybe we'll never go back to how things used to be. I don't think my plans to pursue higher education will ever materialize. I don't think I will be able to move out of Mumbai/India.
J has stayed over at my place most
of these four months of lock-down. It started as a regular weekend stay
over at my place. Then came the lock-downs. Initially, we both struggled to come
to grip with sharing spaces with someone else, with both having lived by
ourselves alone most of our adult lives. It took a while for us to settle into a routine. The
routine itself was fun, sans the arguments and stress. We watched a lot
of good stuff, the best among which was the sensational TV drama The Wire.
He had so many wonderful meals. On most days, we had tea on the balcony
with the backdrop of a cleaner, quieter, and greener Mumbai. During
these months, J did help me put together a lot of things that have
improved my workflow, both for editing/writing related work and for
music.
Work-from-home just means more actual work hours than ever before. At work, I'm working on creating a course for junior editors. This means that I never feel I have done enough. This coupled with the fact that I am trying to put in a solid 3 to 4 hours of music or related work most days and have almost 2 hours of cleaning housekeeping to do every day, I am sleeping less and I'm more stressed and wound up than I have ever been before. Maybe it is the stress of having lived together with someone for so long after so long. No matter how much ever I seem to be doing better, I just seem to get more an more unhappy and unsatisfied with what I do. As my friend put it, I will never ever be happy. I'll always figure out more things to worry about and feel unhappy about.
I got back to some of the Berklee courses for music production that I have been meaning to finish. I have also invested in some good quality gear for my home studio. Finally, I am learning more (from better quality sources) regarding music writing and production. All of this means that I am writing better music than ever, and I'm getting better at production and mixing. Hell, I'm even getting better at singing. And yet there is no certainty in when I'll be able to release the music that I have been writing. Just before lock-down, things looked promising. My close friends who I write and perform with for a project had finalized on a producer/engineer, who was excited to be working with us. We were expecting to cut several EPs starting in May 2020. Considering the way things have turned out, nothing is certain. Maybe this is how things will be. Or maybe I need to figure out getting even better and release some music of my own. All-in-one and DIY.
It's been over a year since my Mom passed. Two years since my father did. I thought their passing would make things more straightforward in a very selfish kinda way. I won't have to worry about them falling ill or needing to reschedule things to be with them. That sounds so wrong, and yet so right. Even though I winced while I typed this in, I long for a clear path (the home run) to my immediate goals, and I thought not having the added responsibility of taking care of my ailing parents would make things easier. It might have but I don't feel it one bit. Life seems to be more challenging than it has ever been.
My sister started writing for fun. Not a book or a blog, but simply writing to express herself. It started with a piece that she was expected to write for a college reunion. She did the drafting and I did a substantive edit on it. It was fun for me to read her thoughts expressed in the way that only she could, especially because they were vivid memories from my childhood and adolescence back in Kerala. These days, I don't get to talk to her much, and the occasional communications that we have are around these micro-journal entries that she shares with me, often in Malayalam.
I have been working on text generated by two of my travel mates and close friends. Blummer is writing an autobiography, and the couple of chapters that I have had the pleasure to read were such windows to his remarkable life! Mickles3 has sought my help in putting together a chapter for a scholarly publication. Both of these, along with the experience that I had with my sister, make me want to start writing again. Maybe I need to aim higher than a blog. Maybe a book or two? Maybe.
Along with that...
I have fallen in love with fountain pens all over again.
I feel inspired to write Bowie/Depeche Mode type music.
Blu(menthal) is just gorgeous but is an arsheole.
I'm not young anymore.
I want my sister/friends to know that I want a do-not-resuscitate order if I get severe COVID-19.
I honestly don't remember how I felt a few months back. I think I might not
have felt great, but I had the drive to do things out of what I would consider my
main professional role. I was taking courses, planning trips, writing/recording
songs, and what not. On top of it, I was doing a series of satisfying/rewarding
tasks at work, most of which involved teaching or helping
researchers/scientists draft and fine-tune the textual representations of their
life’s work. With all of this, I was able to keep up with the demands of
rehearsals and gigs of a busy multi-instrumentalist.
On the personal side, I had finally put together bits and pieces of my domiciliary
life and I seemed to be on my way to stitch them together into a dependable
quilt that I could snuggle under when I wanted to. My partner, who was a pillar
through the quilt-making process, and I were getting along okay, having navigated
the tricky 7th year of our relationship without much turmoil. I was
enjoying cooking and learning new recipes. On top of this, I was actively considering
the scope of continuing my academics—hell, if I can help people get their research
perfected, why on Earth can’t I do it on my own? I made some significant strides
on doing research on that as well.
Although I was never too social to begin with, I was still able to maintain
a decent relationship status with my friends (almost entirely virtual—and there
is no shame admitting that in 2019), family, and acquaintances. Social media was
still relevant and useful, at least for sharing memes, practicing on being
clever/funny, and keeping up with how people were framing their thoughts on things.
I don't have to dig too much to find enough evidence to suggest that I was a
highly functioning individual. I might have been juggling a bit too many things
at any point in time, but I don’t think I was messing things up too much. There
were warning signs. The usual, “You got too much on your plate, and you will go
on a tailspin sooner than you know it” type comments from people who cared enough
about me and knew enough about my life was—which works out to a rounded one
person.
Then—sure as honking in Mumbai—things changed.
Not sure exactly when.
Maybe in October. Because that’s when I was officially transitioned to a managerial
role at work, with some limits on the other roles that I was already doing. At
work, there is always too many things to do and too few people to do them. This
equation is a great template for someone like me to divert most of my energy/attention
to doing things—not getting things done, as managers are supposed to do.
There must have been that evening when I thought that there were too many
people craving for my attention. There must have been this one day when I found
myself too exhausted to come back and work on a song. There must have been that
one weekend where all I wanted to do was to sleep. There must have been those two
weekday mornings when I could not fit in therapy. There must have been those
days when whatever I seemed to cook tasted terrible. There must have been those
two weeks where I didn’t want to meet the guy who was helping me with some documentation
stuff. There must have been that month when I didn’t care to finish the last two
weeks of a Coursera course that I have been paying for.
That brings me to me to now. I have stopped meme-ing. I have stopped
interacting with people even on instant messaging and social media. I have not
written something or recorded something in a few months. I have stopped wanting
to meet my band mates for rehearsals. I have stopped working on my personal growth.
I have stopped doing research. I have stopped meeting people, including the handful
that I might have wanted to meet. I have stopped thinking about traveling to
places that I might have wanted to visit purely because of scenic splendor. I
have stopped wanting to be with cat. I have stopped checking for movies to watch.
The only thing I have not stopped is to finish things I have to finish at
work and to do my live musician duties whenever they are called for.
My personal malaise for creativity has given me sufficient room for consuming
others’ – which means that I have series like Better Call Saul and The
Walking Dead under my belt. Probably not the worst things to spend time
doing, but maybe not at the cost of not doing the things I used to care for.
I have never looked forward to being a manager, and I was not too sure how
things would pan out. Going by the simple parameter of how good one is in delegating
tasks and getting work done by others, I guess I’m a terrible manager. And going
by how much torque is on my tailspin, I could bore a hole through solid ground
and never come out. On the positive side, people are at work are aware of my
state and are cooperative to look for ways to fix this. I hope to restart regular
therapy sessions thanks to the insistence of my partner and my work manager.
I still don’t know when I will be back—if I will be back. Until this probable possibility becomes a reality, I’ll
try to pull through another exhausting, creativity-less day at a time.
Despite my exposure to the various forms of
science fiction, I remain on the side of not believing in fate or destiny, but
there are times when things just seem to fall in place and even seem to happen
for a reason. These are the same times when I have urges to simply stop anything
I was doing and dwell in awe of the incredible ability of the human brain to assimilate
all the streams of information flowing in, find seemingly relevant data, match them
with patterns it is used to, associate them with emotions, etc., all in an
effort to make the human feel rather special and consequential.
I did just this a few moments back. I reflected
on the sequence of events that have unfolded, starting on Tuesday the second of
May. I logged on my work PC as usual and was going about minding by business as
usual when I got a message from my rather enthusiastic colleague.
“Hi, I hope you read in invitation for entries for
Terribly Tiny Tales (TTTs) – for the editorial newsletter.”
“Yes, sort of.”
“Ummm, I hope you send in some.”
“I’ll try but I’m not sure if I’ll find time at
work.”
“I have seen some of your captions on
Instagram. I'm sure you can send in a dozen.”
“Thanks. I’ll try my best.”
I honestly did not have much confidence in
writing fiction. My only previous attempt, almost a decade back, was when I was
more active on this blog and participated in a challenge to write a short
story. Then I thought I could pull it off. I tried and I failed - quite
miserably. Unfortunately, or thankfully, I can’t find any traces for it on the
blog.
Yet, I tried once more. I wrote The Visits
within a few minutes. It’s not quite a TTT (50 to 100 words). I tried to write another
one later in the day (Number Too),
once again failing to quite meet the requirements for a TTT.
I don’t quite know what changed to make me not
suck at what I used to terrible at. Maybe it’s the books that I have read since
then or maybe it is a pleasant by-product of all the discussions that I have
had on the books as part of the book club that I’m a part of. Maybe it is the
conversations that I have had with my writer friends (yes, I have a few of
them). Or maybe it’s just that I have matured enough to string together something
other than my experiences or opinion in a cohesive, interesting way. Whatever
it is, it is fun!
To be honest, I’m quite surprised at what I was
able to do in the six days or so since I restarted writing fiction. And I’m
quite proud at what I have achieved. I have shared these with a few close
friends, with most of them giving me positive feedback on most of my work.
I hope to continue writing. I will
continue to share the shorter ones on Neverlast
(my Tumblr). For the longer ones, I don’t know just yet. Maybe I’ll write sufficient
stuff for a novel. :) Knock on wood.
Life shouldn't be a series of things that need fixing.
— Krishna Kumar V. (@krishna_kumar_v) June 5, 2015
I can't believe my own life, which seems like a series of unfortunate events I'm being dragged through. Despite me planning and coordinating than most people I know, I am annoyed with the chaotic sequence of events.
After I returned after my vacation, I spent about a week staying over at the boyfriend's place. The first day after I returned, I spent almost half the day trying to put things away and sort things out at his apartment. I was overwhelmed by the things that seemed to be staring at me to get done, and I voiced my concerns to the boyfriend.
At work, things are generally smooth, but I am generally disappointed by people not pulling their weight in activities where I eventually need to do extra just to cover up for them.
When I came back to my apartment a few days back, I found that my TV tuner card was not working and my AC was not cooling well enough. I immediately started fixing things.
Two nights back, I went to the electronics store where I was told that they don't have a cheap replacement adapter for my card, and they asked me to come later. After a series of calls, I got my AC guy to visit and service my AC late the same night. After apparently servicing it, he said that it would work well for 6 to 8 months.
Yesterday night, I came back at 2 am after a rehearsal and found that the AC was not working. I spent the night in my very warm and uncomfortable apartment. Today morning, I called my AC guy who said that he would need to take a look at the unit when there is still daylight.
Temperature outside: 32C
Temperature in my apartment: 35C
Temperature at my desk in my kitchen: 40C
#Mumbai
— Krishna Kumar V. (@krishna_kumar_v) June 5, 2015
After talking to my mangers at work and adjusting my work, I came home early to let the AC guy in. The usual guy sent two junior guys, who told me that there was something wrong with the unit and they needed to take it to their service center and fix it. They said it will at least take 24 hours. So no AC for tonight.
After they went with the unit, I called the electronics store to confirm that the replacement adapters had arrived. I started to the store -- of course, I couldn't find a rickshaw, thanks to chaotic mess Andheri West is. At the shop, I tried the adapters that they had ordered. None worked.
Of course, they didn't seem interested in helping me out in any other way. I decided that it was pointless to try and find an adapter. So I decided on buying a new TV tuner card! When I did, their card machine wouldn't work and it took them about 15 minutes to fix it.
When I was waiting for the card machine to start working, I was told by my friends in the book club that they won't be able to make it because of commitments at work. Mind you, we had planned it five weeks in advance, and they canceled it about 1 hour before the meeting was about to happen. I can't believe this.
I came back home with the TV tuner card and found out that my LED rope was not working. I took it down to the shop from where I had bought it -- those guys, so unprofessional, tried to fix it and damaged a component right in front of my eyes. Then, they said that it had been damaged and needed replacement. Of course, I bought the replacement, but when I told them that they had damaged it, they just shook their head in typical Indian style.
By the time I eventually got home, I was very frustrated. I found solace in a Skype chat with Billy with some Budweiser Magnum to cool me down. After I finished the chat, I decided to go to bed and texted the boyfriend.
He restarted what seems to be an endless series of text messaging-based attention-seeking behavior that seems to happen each time I spend time at my own apartment. He asked me questions like "Why are you avoiding me?" Of course, I was not avoiding him -- I am just trying to fix things. If only he would understand that it would help if our communication wasn't a thing that needed fixing.
To make tonight perfect, all I need is my power to go, internet to be down, PC to crash, wallet to be lost, and phone to get stolen. #Mumbai
— Krishna Kumar V. (@krishna_kumar_v) June 5, 2015
What if I tell you that even chick-lit can inspire you?
Please don't unfollow me.
#books
— Krishna Kumar V. (@krishna_kumar_v) June 5, 2015
I’m part of a book club at work. Well, not strictly at work. It started an extension to
something that we had at work to promote reading at work. Now, the work thing is
not very active whereas our little book club is active.
Our book clubs work just like others - we select books to
read each month, we read them, and then we discuss them when we meet. However,
probably unlike other clubs, our monthly books are selected on the basis of
genres, which can vary from literary fiction to erotica.
It’s a mixed bag, you see. This can be fun for people who
are open and willing to explore outside their comfort zone – not so much for
people who are stuck to their niches. For example, I have completely enjoyed
whatever that I have read so far as part of the club. Some others have been
non-compliant and have either dropped off or are not interested enough.
This month, we are reading a book called “The Truth AboutForever” by Sarah Dessen. It’s a chick-lit book and it fits the bill. The
writing, relatively, is not the best and the story/characters seem adolescent.
We are about to meet tomorrow for discussing the book.
I have never read something like this before. And yet, I’m
actually enjoying reading it. None of the others are, however. I attribute this
to my ability to latch on to characters and identify myself in them. I guess
this trait directly correlates with my ability to get along with people and see
the good in them.
Interesting how the books that you read can tell you so much
about yourself.
I made a resolution to read at least 24 books this year. I'm doing well so far, having finished one book in the first week of the year.
I am now part of a book club at work. It's basically the bunch of people that I hang out with at work and all of us are very passionate about books, movies, TV series, etc.
After the first couple of book club meetings, the second of which was earlier today, I realized that people take books way more seriously, dissect/analyze characters in more detail, and think a lot more about the writer/setting than I do. I am partly overawed.
I grew up in a household where radio was on almost throughout the day and the family could spend an entire day without having a long conversation. That's probably the reason why I like listening to radio/music all throughout the day and don't like conversations as much as other people seem to do.
I am probably one of the very few people who actually have a physical radio receiver set at home.
I think I remember all the men that I have been out with. At least, all the people I have had sex with.
I think vacations are over-rated, especially those associated with travel. Maybe I'm cynical, but I think they are generally overpriced, unnecessary trips.
Blue-light reduction and luminosity reduction apps for smartphones and computers (F.lux for iOS/Windows/OSX, Twilight for Android) should be made part of the default operating systems.
This is going to be a socially inappropriate post. Maybe even NSFW. But the irony is that the post is about a conversation that I had with a colleague in the washroom at work. Those who don't want to read any further, this is a good time to click out.
So, this evening, around 7 pm, I went to the washroom to pee. My colleague, a smart young man, also happened to need to pee at the same time. So we both stood adjacent to each other at the two urinal stalls. We were talking about a TV show and we carried on, while proceeding with the act of micturition. Everything seems fine, until my friend asks me:
Kris, what are you doing? What do you mean what? I mean how are you doing that? What do you mean? You are not holding it! Holding what? Oh, yeah, I don't need to hold it. Why would you need to? Doesn't it spray all over the place? No, it doesn't. Even at this age, I'm pretty darned good at it.
[After an awkward smile/grin/laugh, he says]
This is surely an awkward conversation that we shouldn't be having.
I guess!
And I walked out of the washroom and back into the office and everyone lived happily ever after.
(PS: I wasn't aware that men are supposed to do it. Several of my friends apparently use the technique my colleague was suggesting. I still don't see the need.)
I don’t think I’m workaholic. But I simply can’t leave my work unfinished and dissatisfied with what I had put in. This means that there are some days, which are getting uncomfortably frequent lately, when I have spent 11 to 12 hours at work.
Today, it almost cost me something. My friend Billiards felt insecure about coming to visit me because I have been too busy lately. That was really scary. But I was able to patch things up and things are back to normal.
This is the only issue that I have with work. Work is supposed to enhance your quality of life by paying you money to enjoy your life. It, therefore, shouldn’t deprive you of the pleasure by stealing away ‘personal’ time that can’t be replaced.
I have a lost a band, and quite possibly my musical career, because of work, and I don’t want to lose a relationship now.
I work in an office environment where silence, if not paramount, is very important for the quality of work. Academic editing requires a lot of concentration and can be taxing. So, editors need a release too. In such an environment, the time and method of release chosen by a particular person might conflict with the work of others working nearby. It can be annoying if a person a group constantly creates a lot of noise, especially laughter and/or giggling.
My office unfortunately has such a group of people who, despite repeated warnings, carry on laughing loud and giggling. During these episodes, they fail to control the decibel levels of their conversations too. To avoid getting distracted, you could possibly listen to music. But when you are trying to read sentences aloud in your mind to try and understand and edit them, music is also a hindrance sometimes. There is no other way but hope that these people would stop and realize others are getting affected by it.
I tried to talk to a member of this group and let that person know what exactly the issue is. One day, in the evening, the person appeared to be apologetic and promised to be careful in the future. The very next day, after repetition of the same unruly behavior, and after it was pointed out, the same person was aggressive and rude. The ego was offended and exploded like a volcano. The person started pointing out other groups of people having small conversations in the office and went on to insist that I was being biased against him/her.
I tried to tell the person that I have features of adult ADD and I am particularly sensitive to noise and get distracted very easily. Even that backfired. I was told that I am trying to hide behind the façade of ‘mental conditions’ and I wanted everyone to work in a way that I wanted them to. Eventually, I ended up being called a ‘hypocrite’ for being only sensitive to the noise created by a particular group. I decided that it was best to end the conversation at that.
When I got back to work after the long weekend, happiness was apparently evident on my face. Everyone was asking me questions about how Joe was, how things were etc. Of course, I had a lot of work, and I couldn’t explain everything to them. But still, I’m sure they understood that I was very happy.
So, people get fired if they state something negative about their work environment. Workplaces are also penning in clauses in the contract to avoid defamation by their employees. But doesn’t this go both ways?
What if an employee wants to say something good about the employer? If that can be allowed, then the opposite should also be allowed.
In my own case, I use humor and sarcasm in every aspect of my social life. Once, I was warned to not repeat some clever sarcastic wordplay because my ‘then’ manager thought that it was inappropriate.
National holiday. Working day for me because my company needed to. Of course, I get paid for working extra. But that’s not the real perk.
The most beautiful thing about working on a national holiday is the peace. Everything, from bus stops, to buses, to roads, to offices, to pantries -everything is quieter. There are less people around. The city, the office - everything feels so much more peaceful.
You know, when people from smaller cities and towns (especially from abroad) tell me that they might not like to live in Mumbai, I never really thought about what they said. In their lives, every day is like a national holiday. Everything is peaceful, calm, and less crowded.
Coming to think of it, I might like living in such a town. Not now, sometime in the future.
So, tonight, I paid the price of having two jobs. I had to ‘work’ on a night when the biggest gay party of the year (perhaps – the venue was Blue Frog, and it featured man performances by LGBT artists – I was even invited to perform my songs). Yes, I have a gig with Cirkles at Not Just Jazz By The Bay (which has been apparently renamed as Pizza by the Bay).
I don’t think I should be complaining too much. It’s fun to play in Cirkles and Saturday night crowds at Jazz are always fun. Plus, I’m earning some money. But I would still miss a wonderful party – my friend at office had plans to go and was inviting me. But that’s life and I had to choose ‘work’ over ‘play’.
It was a crazy day. Lack of proper sleep thanks to a band photo shoot sort of ruined it initially. But the workplace always brings the smile back to my face. So far, so good, I said.
Then I read the e-mail about the new dress code policy at work. There it was - 't-shirts and shirts have to be tucked in'. I reluctantly tucked my small t-shirt into my already undersized (thanks to the weight that I have put on) jeans. Portliness was showing.
I had to even go check in the mirror how fat I looked. Well 'not fat, healthy,' I said to myself, trying to calm myself. People commented on my portliness. And despite all that, I chose to slice the work day into two with an episode of bingeing on three separate biriyanis.
I had to sort of work faster so as to make it to a rehearsal in time. Yet I reached late by half an hour. Then came the surprise. At the jam pad, I met the bass player who I replaced. He was jamming with the band when I made my way in. Quickly he unplugged his gear and let me plug mine in.
I aksed him 'Hey, howz it going?' and he said 'It's not happening man. They aren't giving me the visa. I am here now.' Then it struck me. Was I eating into his bread? Would the band get him back on board? What will I do, then?
All through the jam, he was there in the jam room, probably carefully analysing what his replacement was doing. Insecurity, self-esteem issues, a feeling of inadequacy - everything was creeping in. I was uncomfortable throughout and fucked up almost every song.
And then it rained. No, it poured. Pre-monsoon showers? Who knows? Anyway, a slice of heaven on earth, but only for those not needing to travel. Once the jam was over, I felt like rushing home and being inside. Safe, comfortable, secure, albeit with a desire to improve and to overcome my insecurities.
I love my job. I love my office. But I disagree with most of the HR policies. About leaves, about the dress code, about not getting compensated for working extra etc.
Today, for example, I needed to work 3 hours extra just because a translator did a shoddy job. Most of the translated text (from Japanese to English) didn't make much sense and I had to make sure that the final output, which involves my efforts, has some semblance of quality. So I had to spend my Saturday night at the office working.
I don't mind working extra. But I do think that such extra work should credited and acknowledge by paying for the extra hours that I had to spend at the office. Currently, my superiors tell me that it eventually gets evened out - one day you have to work extra, and another day you work less. But I'm sure the "working less" part happens very rarely.
The leave situation is altogether another issue. On one hand, the company policy wants to ensure that the workers are adequately rested, the company says no to increasing the leave quota for seniors. This year, 4 of the 10 recognized national holidays fall on Sunday. That's almost half of the extra leaves other than what we are allowed to take per year. When asked about it, the answer is the same - it evens out. No it wouldn't. It will never even out. We won't get more than 10 holidays any year.
And about the dress code policy - well, they have a strange sexist policy. They allow kurtas/kurtis and sandals for women. These are not allowed for men. They allow round-necked t-shirts for women and not for men. Isn't that strange?
I wish there were more people to protest against such indifferent policies.
For the first time in many months, I'm feeling the pinch of the blues. A feeling of worthlessness is drowning me in and my life suddenly seems pointless. What was the trigger? Well, I'm not quite sure yet. Everything was alright until yesterday (Saturday) afternoon, a routine "off day" on which I chose to work for some extra money via my paycheck at the end of the month, when I had a conversation with my colleague about what I was doing with my life.
She asked me why would I work on an off day instead of relaxing or doing something else. The only answer that I had is that I was desperate for money. I suddenly realized that I am being so desperate to save money that I have censored out pleasure from my life again. I wait for unacceptable periods of time at the bus stops to save some measly rupees. I walk about 2 km up and down (on my way to work and back) to save 2 rupees (for each walk). I divide my lunch into two so that I can eat one portion as dinner. I have stopped watching movies because of the expenses. I have curtailed my party-going and eating out/drinking instincts to save up.
What do I need the money for? I don't quite know. Maybe for the future. The most ironic thing is that I think I'm going to need the money to be in a position to father a kid or two. That's what I have always wanted - to be in a live-in relationship and to be a loving father. But this goal seems to be so far beyond my reach now that there seems to be no point in saving all this money. But I can't help but traumatize myself because that is part of my normal process of coming to terms with the reality.
The rate at which I'm earning right now (in my editing career as well as with music) is definitely not enough for my plans for the unforseeable future. Even if I don't achieve my goals of becoming a parent, with this stream of income, I wouldn't probably have enough to fall back on once I retire. This makes me want to seriously reconsider practicing surgery for a living. But that would mean giving up on music almost altogether, and that is something that I don't want.
I have been brooding over these thoughts and a solution seems to be far from the offing. The one thing that I am glad about is the multitude of well-meaning friends that I have who worry about me and care for how I am. I love them for that. But at the end of it all, I'm here alone having to take care of myself alone. I hope this downspiral does not lead me to another phase of clinical depression where I start contemplating suicide. Honestly, I don't think this is going to happen. But I'll keep you posted on this.
