Sometimes I forget that I’m supposed to take care of my health. Too many bands, too many commitments, too much of work – all have led to me ignoring the fact of taking care of myself and my body. Bands and commitments lead to more time out and partying and drinking and work leads to more stress, forcing me to try and find some time to relax.
I’m ashamed of myself in a way – to have missed gym on most days in the last three months or so – to indulge in some kind of alcohol in some social occasion or the other quite regularly. I wish I could just push the red button on this and get back to the routine of having time to take care of myself. Even if I find it, would I have the courage to push it?
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Forgetful self
I forget, I can't forgive myself
I fidget, I can't control myself
I'm upset, I can't free myself
I molest, I can't stop myself
I regret, I can't mould myself
I fret, I can't unlearn myself
I'm my pet, I can't teach myself
I let, I can't blame myself
Will I get, some peace myself?
I fidget, I can't control myself
I'm upset, I can't free myself
I molest, I can't stop myself
I regret, I can't mould myself
I fret, I can't unlearn myself
I'm my pet, I can't teach myself
I let, I can't blame myself
Will I get, some peace myself?
The curious case of self-flagellation
As I'm resocializing and resocia-gayzing rampantly these days, I am posed one question quite frequently - a little too frequently for my comfort.
'I haven't heard from/seen you in ages! How/where have you been Kris?'
My answer always has been in either of two forms. The rather bland and gentle one goes like this — 'I've been up and down a lot, more down than up. But I'm up now!' The more edgy answer intended to hurtle a jaw or two over a cliff goes like this — 'I have been suffering from clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. Thankfully, my friends (boyfriend in particular) and dear therapist (friend) managed to help me out of it. I'm on medications now — anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety drugs. I'm much better now. Thanks! Have you ever considered suicide?'
When I say 'up and down', I mean it. I'm suffering from type 2 bipolar disorder bordering on unipolar depression. If it is indeed unipolar, the times when I surface from the depths of depression (to near normalcy) represent the manic phases of bipolarity. Either way, my phrenus is fluctuant. A status message on my office private messenger summed it up nicely — 'Kris is up and down like a BMC-repaired road'.
This weekend was an uncharacteristically typical up and down one for me. Here’s a recap.
Friday night: It was a mad night at a music awards ceremony where I hung out with friends (read superstars and rock icons), got drunk, hit on a my-type-of-hunk singing legend and gave him my number, then got dared to take off my shirt for a Bollywood/rock diva in exchange for her taking her shirt off (this incident got covered in Bombay Times today), and finally retching and throwing up on my way back in the cab and in my apartment, before crashing.
Saturday morning: Woke up with a hangover and bilious gastritis — it was as if my liver was saying 'Get a life, jerk!' Then, for the first time in a year, I welcomed one of my dear office colleagues to my apartment. She was there to give me company during the shooting of a documentary film about openly gay people — the film title 'Engayging Lives' is derived from Here’s Truly. It was supposed to be shot a month ago and I was one of the main characters in the film; well, until my depression destroyed any possibility of me being a part of it. After starting therapy and somewhat stabilizing on it, I had gotten in touch with the charming girls from Sophiya college and they gave me another chance to be a visual part of the film — I'm doing the background score for the film anyway.
Saturday evening: After that, I had a fantastic gig with Shoonyas when we performed as an opening act for Agnee at VJTI college in Matunga. We did a quite remarkable set that was a crazy mix of rock and Bollywood. Three of my dear colleagues from my workplace were there to make the evening special. I can’t believe the support I get from my office - thanks so much! That, however, was the end of the high.
Then, I was set up for a traumatic and humiliating dinner invitation that I would not like to dwell on — apart from a salad that I tossed together, and a few moments clicking two lovers making out, I felt really horrible. My pills were there in the background but the self-flagellation was severe. This must have triggered my insecurities which led to me having an intense argument with Vinokur, which pushed me to the limits of masochistic depression. I could feel myself conjuring up plots and subplots in my mind, each and every step meant to hurt me a little deeper.
Luckily, thanks to just Vinokur, I was rescued once again and we somehow managed to get me to sleep without more mutual trauma! Sleep seems to be one potent douser of my flames.
Sunday morning: I woke up feeling much better and had a nice, long Skype conversation with Vinokur. Intense multi-tasking ensued and I started feeling like my old self — capable and confident. Moreover, I agreed for a date with a rather mysterious person, which I've been procrastinating for months if not years. A walk down the Juhu beach with him and his dog, and a relaxing conversation over tea later laid the background for an interesting prospect.
Sunday evening: After the date, I went to my first GB meet in months — mainly to meet up with the dear aunt of a friend. During the entire meet, I was keying things on my PDA, not speaking unless being specifically asked to. Later, I invited my favorite aunt to be my date for Valentine's Day! On my way back, a series of incidents including self-deprecatory humor, inability to remember the name of the book that I had read (Ellie Wiesel's 'Night'), and a couple of inflammatory FB threads bared everything in me in under half an hour. I knew I was going down to self-created whiplashes from my delusional world, but couldn't stop myself.
Ironically, an FB chat with one of my erstwhile co-residents from the hospital, during which my friend proved how narrow-minded, conservative and rude Indian society could still be vis-รก-vis homosexuality and a coming out situation. However, I defended valiantly without losing my calm despite my pride being at stake. This chat made me realize that I'm good after all, and that my return to practicing surgery in the myopic and treacherous environment of the hospital would be difficult if not impossible.
It's amazing how masochistic depression can almost whip you down to nothingness. For those who are suffering from the same, or those who know of people who do, please help yourself and others to overcome this!
'I haven't heard from/seen you in ages! How/where have you been Kris?'
My answer always has been in either of two forms. The rather bland and gentle one goes like this — 'I've been up and down a lot, more down than up. But I'm up now!' The more edgy answer intended to hurtle a jaw or two over a cliff goes like this — 'I have been suffering from clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. Thankfully, my friends (boyfriend in particular) and dear therapist (friend) managed to help me out of it. I'm on medications now — anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety drugs. I'm much better now. Thanks! Have you ever considered suicide?'
When I say 'up and down', I mean it. I'm suffering from type 2 bipolar disorder bordering on unipolar depression. If it is indeed unipolar, the times when I surface from the depths of depression (to near normalcy) represent the manic phases of bipolarity. Either way, my phrenus is fluctuant. A status message on my office private messenger summed it up nicely — 'Kris is up and down like a BMC-repaired road'.
This weekend was an uncharacteristically typical up and down one for me. Here’s a recap.
Friday night: It was a mad night at a music awards ceremony where I hung out with friends (read superstars and rock icons), got drunk, hit on a my-type-of-hunk singing legend and gave him my number, then got dared to take off my shirt for a Bollywood/rock diva in exchange for her taking her shirt off (this incident got covered in Bombay Times today), and finally retching and throwing up on my way back in the cab and in my apartment, before crashing.
Saturday morning: Woke up with a hangover and bilious gastritis — it was as if my liver was saying 'Get a life, jerk!' Then, for the first time in a year, I welcomed one of my dear office colleagues to my apartment. She was there to give me company during the shooting of a documentary film about openly gay people — the film title 'Engayging Lives' is derived from Here’s Truly. It was supposed to be shot a month ago and I was one of the main characters in the film; well, until my depression destroyed any possibility of me being a part of it. After starting therapy and somewhat stabilizing on it, I had gotten in touch with the charming girls from Sophiya college and they gave me another chance to be a visual part of the film — I'm doing the background score for the film anyway.
Saturday evening: After that, I had a fantastic gig with Shoonyas when we performed as an opening act for Agnee at VJTI college in Matunga. We did a quite remarkable set that was a crazy mix of rock and Bollywood. Three of my dear colleagues from my workplace were there to make the evening special. I can’t believe the support I get from my office - thanks so much! That, however, was the end of the high.
Then, I was set up for a traumatic and humiliating dinner invitation that I would not like to dwell on — apart from a salad that I tossed together, and a few moments clicking two lovers making out, I felt really horrible. My pills were there in the background but the self-flagellation was severe. This must have triggered my insecurities which led to me having an intense argument with Vinokur, which pushed me to the limits of masochistic depression. I could feel myself conjuring up plots and subplots in my mind, each and every step meant to hurt me a little deeper.
Luckily, thanks to just Vinokur, I was rescued once again and we somehow managed to get me to sleep without more mutual trauma! Sleep seems to be one potent douser of my flames.
Sunday morning: I woke up feeling much better and had a nice, long Skype conversation with Vinokur. Intense multi-tasking ensued and I started feeling like my old self — capable and confident. Moreover, I agreed for a date with a rather mysterious person, which I've been procrastinating for months if not years. A walk down the Juhu beach with him and his dog, and a relaxing conversation over tea later laid the background for an interesting prospect.
Sunday evening: After the date, I went to my first GB meet in months — mainly to meet up with the dear aunt of a friend. During the entire meet, I was keying things on my PDA, not speaking unless being specifically asked to. Later, I invited my favorite aunt to be my date for Valentine's Day! On my way back, a series of incidents including self-deprecatory humor, inability to remember the name of the book that I had read (Ellie Wiesel's 'Night'), and a couple of inflammatory FB threads bared everything in me in under half an hour. I knew I was going down to self-created whiplashes from my delusional world, but couldn't stop myself.
Ironically, an FB chat with one of my erstwhile co-residents from the hospital, during which my friend proved how narrow-minded, conservative and rude Indian society could still be vis-รก-vis homosexuality and a coming out situation. However, I defended valiantly without losing my calm despite my pride being at stake. This chat made me realize that I'm good after all, and that my return to practicing surgery in the myopic and treacherous environment of the hospital would be difficult if not impossible.
It's amazing how masochistic depression can almost whip you down to nothingness. For those who are suffering from the same, or those who know of people who do, please help yourself and others to overcome this!
The mistakes that I made
First of all, I finally feel a little better and am happy. A lot of self-loathing happened, a lot of loss of self-esteem grew in. I think I have found the reason why I felt so bad. A month back, I got a lot of negativity on this very blog which did me in. Whatever the intent that was, I got a lot of 'You are a jerk, an ass! You don't know what to do in your life. And you simply are a coward an shy away from responsibilities' crap.
I fell for it. I was already weak with all that was happening with me. Poverty, exams, lack of progress with my music and the lack of a 'definitive' physical future in the relationship with Vinokur etc. Weirdly enough, I fell even lower. I started searching and letting out demons within me. I denied myself of all entertainment and fun and tried to study.
That led to another abyss. For some reason or the other, I decided to break out of it and watched a couple of movies in the theater. That along with some other movies that I watched on the tube made me realize what it was like to be free of my anhedonic state.
I realize now that I am the best person to decide what is right and what's wrong. I have been stupid enough to ride on other people's points of view to supercede mine. That was stupid. That was weak. That was insanely inane. But now that I realized all this, I'm feeling better. I'm going to do the things that make me happy from now on. Enough of planning! You will fuck your future if you don't even let yourself be in a state to think straight.
I fell for it. I was already weak with all that was happening with me. Poverty, exams, lack of progress with my music and the lack of a 'definitive' physical future in the relationship with Vinokur etc. Weirdly enough, I fell even lower. I started searching and letting out demons within me. I denied myself of all entertainment and fun and tried to study.
That led to another abyss. For some reason or the other, I decided to break out of it and watched a couple of movies in the theater. That along with some other movies that I watched on the tube made me realize what it was like to be free of my anhedonic state.
I realize now that I am the best person to decide what is right and what's wrong. I have been stupid enough to ride on other people's points of view to supercede mine. That was stupid. That was weak. That was insanely inane. But now that I realized all this, I'm feeling better. I'm going to do the things that make me happy from now on. Enough of planning! You will fuck your future if you don't even let yourself be in a state to think straight.
Narcissism to the fore, once more
The last time I posted something about my looks and stuff, I felt the wrath of criticism stating that I was just too self-indulgent and narcissistic. I was hurt. I went back and asked my mirror the question. But dammit, the mirror refused to answer my question if I was so. I spent a couple of weeks or so in isolation, silently brooding as to how to approach and solve this problem.
Finally I found it. It is a pimple. A small one on my right cheek (bone) really. I still have to pretend to ignore snidely remarks from my friends asking me if I was till puberty. But I have learned from my extensive medical academics that it isn’t always because of hormonal imbalances; diet, hydration, oil control of the skin and emotional state play a part
Since most of you already know that I don’t eat or drink anything worth mentioning and that my emotional state of turbulence will take another 78 years to subside, do you have some advice for taking care of my skin. Someone, from my famous ‘single pictures’ post had suggested moisturizer.
Honestly, every time I visit my supermarket, I walk across the scores of well-lit shelves of skin care products. I don’t have a clue as to what to buy. Could someone, please stand up and give me a tip or two? The more the detail, the more platonic love you can expect from me back.
Finally I found it. It is a pimple. A small one on my right cheek (bone) really. I still have to pretend to ignore snidely remarks from my friends asking me if I was till puberty. But I have learned from my extensive medical academics that it isn’t always because of hormonal imbalances; diet, hydration, oil control of the skin and emotional state play a part
Since most of you already know that I don’t eat or drink anything worth mentioning and that my emotional state of turbulence will take another 78 years to subside, do you have some advice for taking care of my skin. Someone, from my famous ‘single pictures’ post had suggested moisturizer.
Honestly, every time I visit my supermarket, I walk across the scores of well-lit shelves of skin care products. I don’t have a clue as to what to buy. Could someone, please stand up and give me a tip or two? The more the detail, the more platonic love you can expect from me back.
Hair fall solutions?
I come from a family of men who are bald, obese and generally ugly. The obesity part is manageable with some dietary adjustments, exercise and wisdom. Ugliness is subjective really. I’m not saying that I think I’ll pass of as a model or anything but yeah, I look decent. The only thing that I am scared of is getting bald.
Why, all of a sudden? Well, the story is that in the past few months I have been losing hair. Not in the typical androgenic balding pattern. But I think I’m getting generally thinning. It is evident in my apartment clear white tiles as I broom everyday. It is evident in the bathroom drain sieve as it gets clogged every now and then. A scary thought – my father who’s entirely bald and almost Mr. Weatherbee-esque had hair like the Parachute ad-models until 30. One deluge of hair and he turned bald.
I have reason to believe it is rather wide-spread and not necessarily limited to the scalp as there are much shorter, curlier hairs in my dust pile after brooming. Aaargh? Nope, wrong there. I’m a semi-hirsute and it must be from the pectoral region.
So what do the wise men and women of the blogging world have as suggestions to me?
(Stats: 28 year old, non-vegetarian who hardly has enough money to eat. Don't smoke. Hardly has alcohol. I drink about a litre of water. I sleep irregularly and worry a lot. I prefer coconut oil to anything else for hair. I use conditioner and shampoo (regularly) about twice every week. Pantene and Garnier are my preferred brands. I used to use hair gels when I went to the hospital.)
Why, all of a sudden? Well, the story is that in the past few months I have been losing hair. Not in the typical androgenic balding pattern. But I think I’m getting generally thinning. It is evident in my apartment clear white tiles as I broom everyday. It is evident in the bathroom drain sieve as it gets clogged every now and then. A scary thought – my father who’s entirely bald and almost Mr. Weatherbee-esque had hair like the Parachute ad-models until 30. One deluge of hair and he turned bald.
I have reason to believe it is rather wide-spread and not necessarily limited to the scalp as there are much shorter, curlier hairs in my dust pile after brooming. Aaargh? Nope, wrong there. I’m a semi-hirsute and it must be from the pectoral region.
So what do the wise men and women of the blogging world have as suggestions to me?
(Stats: 28 year old, non-vegetarian who hardly has enough money to eat. Don't smoke. Hardly has alcohol. I drink about a litre of water. I sleep irregularly and worry a lot. I prefer coconut oil to anything else for hair. I use conditioner and shampoo (regularly) about twice every week. Pantene and Garnier are my preferred brands. I used to use hair gels when I went to the hospital.)
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