Am I that straight-acting?

Today, at work, a female colleague of mine casually asked me “Are you trying to tell me that you are gay?” I said, “Yes, that’s what I am.”

She said “Is this one of your pranks?”

I said. “No. I’m dead serious about it. Why do you think that I get along with the women in the office so well?”

She said “You gotta be kidding me. I don’t believe it!”

And from then on, I tried to convince her that I was indeed gay. She didn’t buy it.

Am I that straight-looking?

To be gay in India

Someone started a hashtag on Twitter #ToBeGayinIndia. I don’t quite know what was the motive behind it. I bet it was something negative –something about the hardships that gay/lesbian/transgender people face being out in public in India.

Having been out for about 15 years now, in varying levels of ‘outness’, with the present level being completely out, I think that India (Kerala + Mumbai) is very gay friendly. It’s just that people don’t realize it. That’s the irony in it. People just think that India isn’t all that friendly and they choose to stay in closets of relative sizes.

I have had practically no bad experiences having been gay in India, except for perhaps finding an apartment to live with another man in an apartment (when Vinokur came down in 2008). Other than, touch wood, it’s been a wonderful 15 years of being out in India.

Look at me – I am out in all facets of my life, out on all social networks, have an active blog, and have a very promising gay social life, which unfortunately I don’t participate much in. The only bad thing is that, because of the problem that I mentioned above, I haven’t found a good partner for me from India.

This problem would be solved if people started embracing  themselves instead of blaming the society for not embracing them. As simple as that!

Steven Davies - attaboy!

The first time I saw him on television, he looked an attractive player and a suitable, if not better, replacement for Matt Prior. This was during the English winter and the Australian summer, during the just-concluded, vastly entertaining Ashes seried down under. I was actually disappointed when I heard that Prior was given the nod ahead of him the World Cup squad.

In the second week of the World Cup, he has made me proud. He has made all of us proud! Steven Davies has officially come out of the closet, and by doing so has become the first professional cricketer to come out of the closet. This is simply wonderful news for everyone - most importantly for him.

Sinc yesterday, there were dozens of news stories about him. But the most moving one was the one where he detailed how distressing it was to remain in the closet while playing for his teams (England, Surrey, and in the future, surely an IPL franchise). 'A tour of two weeks felt like two years', he said. Initially, he came out to the England coach Andy Flower about this who had a long discussion with him and they both decided that the team needs to know this.

When they collectively announced this to the team, the response was even more heartwarming. Matt Prior apparently gave him a nice hug and asked him why he had kept this to himself all this time! The others must have had poignant responses too. This news comes right at the heel of the news story of James Anderson, the Enlgish pace bowling spearhead and a straight, married man with kids, agreeing to model for a gay magazine photoshoot.

Both the stories speak volumes about the acceptance of of homosexuality as a social variant rfather than an abberant in the English cricket team, and more widely in the UK and in Europe. Indeed, many European countries have made gay civil unions legal and some others like Portugal and Spain have made gay marriages legal.

There are lessons in this. First, being out of the closet is the ideal, for the gay guy and his friends and family. Second, the society and the state, as and when i starts accepting homosexuals as individuals with equal legal rights, make it easier for celebrities and sportsmen to come out of their closet. I hope everyone takes home a message from this story and a glorious path is paved toward more people coming out!

Besides, who wouldn't want a bunch of Indian hotties like Zak and Virat (from the Indian) team coming out of the closet? ,-)

Here are some wonderful links on the story:

• http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2011/feb/28/steven-davies-gay
  
• http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/cricket/8350779/Steven-Davies-England-cricketer-announces-he-is-gay.html
  
• http://www.espncricinfo.com/england/content/current/story/503503.html
  

Cousins now Know - part 2

Cousins now know - Part 2

My sister is not stopping anytime soon, I guess. Coming out on my behalf seems likes an ulterior motive on her mission to deliver the baby. She came out about me to the fifth cousin - one who's doing his masters in engineering in the States. She forwarded me a reply from this cousin to the mail that she had sent.

It started off something like this - 'It is neither a shock or a pleasant surprise to me.' Good, I thought! He went on to say that irrespective of my orientation I would remain to be his inspiration - I have always been an inspiration when it came to academics, and I guess he meant that. Despite being this positive, my cousin, who's in South Carolina, warned my sister of negative implications if she let other cousins know about my gayness. That, to me, is a little confusing. Why shouldn't my cousin, who has seen the world more than many others, have a positive attitude about others accepting me as I am?

Apart from my sexual orientation, my cousin went on in great depth about plans to help me come out of my familial hibernation. He seemed to even have sympathy at my apparently 'lost' path, and wanted my sister to take step my step approaches to winning my confidence back. Now, I'm not sure if I need this sympathy. I can see the intent underlying this feeling, but what comes out is probably unacceptable.

Since all of my cousins read my blog, I would like to let them know that I have always been family-phobic. Let me remain that way now. I appreciate their steps to get back in touch with me but I'm not sure that's what I need now. I need support in terms of understanding my neuroses and lack of efforts to restart communication via phone or in person. I don't mind e-mails or SMSes.

If you want to help me, please let me be me.

My cousins now know

My sister is currently nursing her baby girlchild. That's an enormous responsibility. She seems to want more. Why else would she shoulder the responsibility of coming out, albeit on my behalf, to my cousins. The ironic and funny thing about this fact is that my parents had forbidden me from doing so myself. So my sister breaks the shackles for me.

It apparently started with two of the closest cousins from my inglorious past. They were surprised, but apparently accepted the news rather graciously. They must have had questions and I don't know how far my rather frail (physically, of course) sister would have been able to handle those. I wish I can help her with the burden -- if only my telephobia would allow me.

Now, these two gentlemen couldn't hold the breaking news to themselves. They confided in their siblings -- a brother and a sister. The brother, the youngest of the four cousins involved in this little fiasco, has already browsed through this blog and read bits and pieces. The sister, however, is grappling to come to her senses having heard the news.

She must have been thinking - 'How could it have happened? He looks normal! He behaves normally. He's funny and intelligent. He's educated and talented. He's just like one of us. I don't believe it!'

Well, the heart of the matter is that, my dear cousin sister, I'm exactly what all you think about me - the positive and negative things. Just the fact that I'm gay. I like men just like the way you like men. I like to have an emotional relationship with a man of my choice. Yes, and have sex with him. Sometimes these things can be mutually exclusive. But the answer is yes.

So, take your time. Let it sink in. At the other end, you will still find me.

Older gay men and societal pressure

My intrinsic neuronal networking and neurochemical homeostatic mechanism predispose me to have a liking for older men, who are often 30 years elder to me. Interestingly, not once have I faced a generation gap with such men. Most men have youthful vibrant minds and an active physical life, much unlike straight corpulent middle-aged corporate men.

However, there is a wide divide between older Indian gay men and those from the 'civilized' world. Excepting a very few, Indian older gay men are usually in various degrees of closetedness and are under great pressure to act straight in their professional realms. Some are caught in straight marriages in varying degrees of stability and comfort. Despite unsuccessful marriages, some men are being forced to stay put because they love their kids and have responsibilities toward their families.

A very common and hypercritical way to look at this situation is to be disparaging of their choice to get married when they did. I have friends who have fallen in love with their wives and before getting married to them. However, the little bit of bisexuality in them has waned off and they don't have a sexual or emotional relationship with their spouse now. Some others had married because of some kind of social pressure or similar situation when they were young.

I believe that this issue needs to be looked at from the points of view of both the spouses. The men have been guilty when they chose to not be truthful to their families and wives. The women have suffered trauma and humiliation during the duration of such a relationship. Both have their points to justify their claim and deserve justice.

At this juncture, when the men have matured enough to brave the coming-out front - many have come out in different levels already - a dialogue needs to ensue. An open one that involves the people who would be directly affected - the man, his wife, their kids (if they are old enough), the family, and at times close friends/partners. In this dialogue, everyone needs to come clean and agree to agree and disagree, and take positive steps for the future. This should be done considering the best possible outcome for all those involved so that the hatchet can be truly buried and a more joyful comfortable life would result.

There will be those who feel that people/life have been unfair to them. But that can be changed - for the better. Why not, for example, agree on a truce where the 'marriage' remains as a facade for the society - to front its insulting wrath - and a meaningful understanding friendship is achieved between the family members; especially the couple and their kids. If this is achieved, everyone can find happiness in their own way taking care of the rest in the best way they can. And they should, because they care about each other more often than not.

Coming out to my Father

Once I came out to Mom, I had felt that much more than half of my responsibilities during my trip especially because she had offered to come out to my father on my behalf. Today morning, I had woken up late and had a lazy breakfast with my Mom while my Dad got busy doing some of the chores that he does. Soon enough, as if set up on purpose, we started talking. This time, it was not in my room and it was in the lo-o-ng, but narrow, living room downstairs.

I paced down and up the living room while voicing my thoughts about my future and theirs, about my feelings about them and my sister etc. Soon enough, the moment arrived when I asked my Dad if he had understood that I had wanted to talk to him yesterday evening itself. I explained that I felt that I had to tell both of them at the same time but that I had told Mom already.

I went on to explain to him the same way like I did with my Mom – about how I wanted to have someone in my life, how I wanted to actually have a family and kids etc, but how it could only be with a man and not a woman. My father was able to grasp my words much faster and he glanced over to my Mom and gave me a smile – something that I hadn't seen from him for a long time!

Once this was over and done with, I explained my planned strategies for my life more vividly – my father was still apprehensive about my decision to chase music. He's not a romantic, he's much more pragmatic. Now that I had revealed who I was, it was so much easier to convince them about my plans to stick on to the plan of music ahead of medicine until the year ends.

We went to on to discuss about our families and our sister – about her fears about my coming out affecting her life. It is sad and I'm sorry to admit that my sister still believes, and has every reason to believe, that her life is going to get affected in a bad way if more people would come to know about me. It's the reality of life in India. The sexual orientation of sibling could break (and never make) one's life.

I still remember the day when I had gone to 'interview' my then-could-be-brother-in-law, being apprehensive about telling him about my gayness thinking that it could affect my sister adversely. He had then asked me something in the lines of 'What about you? Don't you want to get married?' and I had to say something in the lines of 'I'm not sure about that yet. I need more time and I need to find the right person.'

I guess my fears have been validated, in a wretched way, by the realities in my sister's life. This has, hitherto, revealed the 'underbelly' of the coming out experience in modern India. I guess every feel-good movie story is actually the real story with a cut-throat, cliched editing process. But then I don't think that I, the director, want to show my film to Indian audiences – I just want it to be screened at the prestigious European festivals. The romantic me is sometimes - okay, I'm lying - most of the times, unaware of the reality, waiting to be stung by it.

Coming out to my Mom

What exactly transpired between me and Mom during the coming out process? Here's the report.

After my tiring 2 day trip in a bus from Mumbai to Thiruvananthapuram, I was able to keep my spirits up high when I met my Mom and Dad at their new house. We didn't hug and exchange wishes in a westernized ceremony. I just started talking to my Mom and Dad. My Dad was doing 'pooja' and was running late for a religious engagement (he's on the team from the temple for chanting and all that) and couldn't really participate in the exchanges too much. I was disappointed with that. But I bonded really well with my Mom and we carried on our conversation after Dad had left home after having breakfast. I helped her with her tiring daily chores in the kitchen and we talked and got to know about each other much better than ever before while cooking that day's lunch.

By the time the chores were over, I and Mom had connected at a very deep level talking about life, our problems and the ways to solve them. I felt this was the moment to come out to her. But I had decided on the advice from many people (inlcuding Mr. Bach and other friends) that it was better to come out to both parents at the same time. Because I had to catch Uncle N. (the only person in my family who I had come out other than my sister) and his daughter before she left to give her exams, I couldn't do it in the afternoon. I had a long conversation on deciding the strategy to come out with Uncle N. He suggested that I talk to them in the evening without involving him in the issue. The reason that he stated was that in the event of my parents reacting abnormally, he could be there to give them solace; I'd have to leave anyway after 4 days.

That seemed perfectly fine to me. He dropped me back home and promised that he'd help my parents get in a talking frame of mind before he left for the evening. To our dismay, there were a couple of relatives in the house when we got there. And they weren't going anywhere in a hurry. Uncle N. hung around for a few minutes and by the time he was leaving, my Dad suggested that he's going out to the classical music concert that was on in the evening. I tried to ask him to stay back so that we could 'talk' but he didn't get the hint. I felt rather disappointed and sorry and it was quite evident to me and Uncle N. My Mom on the other hand, got the lead and opted to stay back and 'talk' to me.

In an hour or so, my relatives were leaving and finally I had a window of time where I could come out to at least my Mom. I asked my Mom if she could help me unpack in my room upstairs. She visibly had the intuition that I have been wanting to talk to her and agreed. We went upstairs and in a few minutes we were in a good conversation. Somewhere along, we stumbled on the issue of marriage. I grabbed this opportunity and asked her if she was wondering why I was refusing a marriage. She replied saying that she knew that I had come to tell her something. Voila!

I asked her if she had suspected anything about me. She said no. I told her that unlike the impression that my folks seemed to have, I wanted to find a partner as fast as possible and have a family. But, I carried on, she needed to know something about me, something which was going to be something very heavy and perhaps unexpected, something that she might be hurt by, something that would cause her to react in an abnormal way. But I assured her that I loved her. Then I told her 'I like men, Mom. I can't think of a physical or an emotional relationship with a woman. Instead, I have an emotional and physical attraction towards men. This is not an abnormality, or a disease. It's just natural and about 10% of the society are like this at any moment, both men and women. Such people are called gay.'

At first she seemed to be confused and she needed me to repeat a line here and there. But slowly she was realizing and she started smiling. I was so happy! She asked me why I hadn't told her any sooner. I explained to her how I and my sister had decided to let them not know the news until it was necessary, thus trying to not hurt her. She said that it was unnecessary and I should have told her as soon as I could. She also said that she can accept her son for who he was and will support him no matter what happens. I went on to tell her how it had evolved in my childhood, how I was attracted to my teachers in school and professors in college. Oh, I also told her that I was naturally attracted to men much older than my age. I showed her the pictures of Vinokur and Mr. Bach (both were on my camera).

Soon, the conversation got more personal as she got out of her initial surprise and I started asking her if she had suspected it. She said she hadn't. I asked her if she remember seeing pictures of naked men on my computer some time in the late 90s. She said she did but she hadn't correlated the two. Then I gave her the bounty – I asked her if she rememberd us watching Baywatch for the same reason – David Hasselhoff. That sure gave her the explanations she wanted. Her smiled grew broader and she realized how her likes and mine, at least in men, matched. We talked on for a few more minutes until it was time for dinner. On her way down the steps, she told me 'I'll talk to your father.' I said 'No Mom. It's my responsibility. You can help me when I do it.' She smiled at me and walked down the staircase.

In the last seven days or so...

• Jan 5th - I'm in the middle of being set-up with this guy who is kinda cool by a couple of friends at the GB Sunday meet. I'm excited about it and surely this guy looks interesting. I talk to him over the phone hoping to meet up sometime during the day but due to a GI disturbance at the other end, we postpone it to the next possible time - which is the next day. Funny thing, he sounds like an American over the phone! Strange!
  
  
• Jan 6th - I meet up with this charming guy at the Jehangir art gallery where he is buying a sculpture. The first thing we do after meeting up is to go over to a sculpture of a head of a man which he was planning to bu. He asked me what I thought about it. I blurt out 'It looks like you. You are probably narcissistic and that's why you are buying it.' Everybody laughs nervously and I throw head my back in the Will and Grace style hoping that it wouldn't be the end of my date.
  
  Thankfully, the date keeps on going. We hang out at another art gallery where he buys paintings and other piece of art which he's taking back to the US with him. We have a delicious Parsi restaurant in Colaba which is where he frequented when he was a child. He invites me over to his luxurious house (houses) where we end up talking and making out and I get laid eventually. This, despite me being in a state of nervous anxiety with excitement - this guy is very attractive! I guess I'll have to catch my breath now (I'm typing this moments away from knowing my exam results; ergo, I'm jittery) and describe this person.
  
  His name is Bach. Anything more about his life is going to invade his privacy. Just that he's retired and he lives in the US most of the year. He's handsome, charming, intellgent, funny and very, very attractive.
  
  As the evening grows old, he introduces me to his friends who are visiting him and we have a conversation. At the end of that, I'm not quite sure what's going to happen. All I know is that I want to be with him. He offers me if I want to stay over for the night. 'I don't mind.' is what I say which is couldn't be farther from the truth. So, we end up spending the night cuddling up and talking and getting to know each other better.
  
  
• Jan 7th - We spend the day together when I get to meet more of his friends and family. I'm getting more and more attracted to him. He doesn't deny it either. He's very careful about one thing though - he makes it very clear that he's not going to be here in India most of the year and hence, we should keep ourselves in check always.
  
  
• Jan 8th - I leave early morning from his place for a rehearsal session with Noise Market. I'm tired but excited. As soon as the practice session ends, I dress up and head over to his place with my guitar and some changes. The guitar was because he wanted to hear me sing and he was inviting a few friends over for a 'farewell party' for him as he is boarding a plane on Saturday night back to the Snakes. I get to interact with the most precious person in his life; his adopted son. Later on, he joins me as a 'date' for the release of the album of our friends - Swarathma - Jay was the only person from the band who joined in. The night is another tired night for both of us as we haven't been able to sleep with each other around.
  
  Something else happened - I got to realize that the judgement of the High Court about the Section 377 is going to come very soon and I am one of the people who is supposed to talk to the media (in Malayalam) about it. Along with the fact that I was moved by Bach's out life-style and the way he is accepted by the family, I decide to come out to my parents no matter what after the results come out - positive or negative.
  
  
• Jan 9th - Bach is busy in the morning with some errands to run and I leave his home early to think of buying something for him as a gift - he was being so nice to me. I end up buying a USB pen drive (cheap, lame-ass gift: only because he had big fat UFO esque looking one with him which really didn't go with his elegance) from Lamington road. I walk around the Fort area and eventually buy him an elegant black kurtha pajama - he loves black, and red. I end up meeting T. (E-boi's better half) at her college just to kill some time before I can meet up with Bach again. Late afternoon, we are back in his house but he's tired and decides to take a nap.
  
  I decide to rehearse some songs that I want to sing for him - songs that I chose based on what I knew about him and myself and situation that we found ourselves in while he naps. At around 5.30 pm, I get to know that the results of my exam are out and I try to find them out. But the university has closed and I can't know them until Monday. I'm a tense little fuck. Later on, we both dress up in kurtha pajama sets of white and black respectively for the party. There are just very few people in the party - some of them who might be jealous of me being with Bach. I get high on Cognac and sing a few songs along with the most wonderful singer/solo artist who is a friend of Bach's - some of them which might have been considered boring and inappropriate - if only people would understand why I chose them.
  
  The most incredible thing happened then. I got a call from Xander who is in Dubai and because of my 'high' state and my nervous, emotional state - I end up talking with him. That must have been awkward in the context of an intimate party situation. Bach and I have another night were we discuss more serious issues about my career, future etc. Bach honestly believes that I should fix a date after which I'll have to take surgery back up as a career option if my music career doesn't take off. We have a wonderful night of sexual pleasure.
  
  
• Jan 10th - Another day of errands on top of 'goodbyes' to the family and friends for Bach and I leave his apartment and head back home agreeing to meet later on in the night to say goodbye and seeing him off at the airport. On my way, I change my guitar strings and end up buying a Hohner blues harmonica set just because I was ravaged by the thoughts of the various possibilities with it. The day is spent in anxiety and fear of separation.
  
  Later in the evening, I go help him pack the stuff. He's a nervous wreck himself with the prospect of travel and 'relocating' after 3 months. He claims to his friends that I have been helpful in making him feel much more comfortable over the past few days. That makes me feel happy. We leave for the airport and he makes it fairly obvious to me that I shouldn't get carried away with what has happened and not expect an 'virtual' relationship with him. He suggests we'll take it up once more when he comes back to India. It does make a lot of sense. I feel that my brain is learning to fight the heart and at least keeping the bout alive. I leave him off at the airport and come back to pour my heart out to Vinokur who is happy that I'm happy.
  
  
• Jan 11th, Sunday: An entertaining practice session with Noise Market and a couple of wonderful documentary films at Humsafar comprise most of my day. In the night I talk to Ray, my sister and Vinokur about the entire situation regarding exams and coming out. I fiddle around with harmonicas and guitar and feel really good. Just before hitting the sack, I get a message from Bach saying that he has reached home safely. I'm happy and hopeful. :) Oh wait, the results are not out yet. I'm not happy and I'm anxious! :(

Call from Mom

I got a call from my Mom yesterday. She and my Dad had just read the Rolling Stone magazine story (post) about Noise Market. Mom said

'It's nice. I'm happy for you.'

There, not too elated. Not too happy. It sounded more like

'Ass, look you were much better off being the average doctor than a rock star.'

She continued

'Your Dad's saying that his name is coming on the newspapers and magazines without him doing a thing.'

There are two issues here.

• For one thing, folks from down South in general, refer to their spouses in third person. Why do they need to do that?
• This, by the way is the problem with people from South India. 'Kris Bass' is actually the 'Kris' from 'Kris Kum' (which actually is my name) and 'Bass' is my Dad's name. In mags like RS, they have to have a surname. In my case, my Dad's name.

She added

'Your father didn't recognize you in the photo. He says that he doesn't think that it's you. I recognized you immediately!'

That's the only heartening thing really. At least my Mom recognizes my bearded-moustached-long hair look. Maybe she would also relate more to my coming out.

I actually expected them to say something about seeing me in the pride march on Mallu television. But then, I came to know that the television set at home is under repair.

The Queer Azadi pride - a report

The day had begun well despite me not getting enough sleep overnight. I was with Vinokur very late, you know. I had a very long day. First it was the sound-check at the NM College before the gig. I was very thankful about the fact that for the first time in about 6 months, we got help for transportation of our instruments. The festival organizers were gracious enough to send us a couple of cars so that the actual lugging of instruments was reduced to a minimum. The actual sound-check didn’t go all that great. Again, some professional mishaps from my end, as I was convinced by my fellow band members.

Feeling disappointed but hopeful that the parade will cheer me up, I headed home at the strike of noon. I knew I was going to be late. I had to shower, dress and go half the way across Mumbai on a hot and humid afternoon. I tried calling a couple of friends to see if they were passing by my apartment. But everyone was already half-way to the destination. After my shower, I decided on wearing the one of the new tees that I had purchased for the events of the day. That went along with a pair of Levi’s L 531 jeans which reall y are discardable.

Thankfully, I was able to get to the station rather quickly. I carefully surveyed the stations for groups which might be going to the parade. I couldn’t find any although I did see a disparately high proportion of well dressed women on the platform. As always, Mumbai’s suburban trains were brilliant and I managed to reach the destination about 10 minutes before the starting time for assembly. I had to walk from the station to the August Kranti Maidan as I was not able to coaxe cabbies to drop me; I suspected sexual discrimination before I realized that the distance was rather miniscule.

I saw a bunch of media trucks in a row with reporters with cameras and microphones standing anxiously at the gates. Inside the maidan, I was surprised to find a lot of people and most of them seemed to have forgotten to dress. My judgement was proven wrong when I found that more than half of them were assembled there for something else going on in one of the two vacant spaces separated by a walk-way. On our side of the ground, I see a group of transgenders getting ready with make up dresses, facial paints etc.

The one thing which attracted me most was the rainbow-hat that I saw a few wearing. I wanted to get one and as I searched for some familiar faces, I was able to locate its source. I chit-chatted with a group of women who appeared to be straight before buying the hat from one of them. It costed me a mere 100 Rs. The women were pleasantly surprised (or so they seemed) to find a regular straight-looking guy with beard et al was sporty enough to buy a hat.

As soon as I wore the hat, things seemed to change for the better. I found a lot of my GB friends walking in with some of them wearing gorgeous outfits. A few minutes later, I was requested by Nitin and Vikram Doctor to give interviews to the media channels. Apparently, I was a good candidate and I was the only Mallu amongst the group. I wasn’t sure of this really. I was surprised to see myself standing next to Nitin whilst he gave a press interview in Hindi to a group of cameras and reporters of almost all the major Hindi news channels. Thankfully I was not asked to open my mouth. I just kept on smiling into the camera.

There were masks, flags, stickers and t-shirts (the only things which were way too expensive for me). I got all of them and decorated myself. By 2.30 in the afternoon, the group had grown to a sizeable crowd. The spokespersons of the various groups and alliances started giving speeches to the crowd. Lakshmi and Celina Jailed took all the attention of the media as you would expect.

Soon, we all set for the march. The group must have been over 500 by then. I chose a wonderful friend of mine as my date for the march. We held hands almost for the entirety of the march. I was holding a poster of the rainbow-torch almost throughout the march. We chanted slogans, sang rather frivolous parodies of bollywood hits and enjoyed the entire march.

In between though, I gave interviews to a couple of newspapers (TOI, Today group and a gujarati newspaper) and a Malayalam TV channel (Manorama). It was a hard decision to make initially. But I decided that it was time to be brave and to come out to the media. The questions were clichéd and apparently no one seemed to believe that I was gay (strange!). They also worked at the doctor angle and the partnership/marriage angle. The weirdest part of the entire thing was this feeling that my Dad and Mom would call me to ask me ‘Why didn’t you tell us first before announcing it on national television?’

The march ended at the Chowpatty where we hung out for half an hour or so. Some of the group with more limber bodies even danced to drumbeats. At 4.30, the police asked us to disperse. And I had to get back to the college for the gig. Hence, I walked with a few friends of mine to the station.

I got a lot of strange looks from people for my hat and the banners that I was carrying. But it really felt liberating to sit in a crowded Borivili local in the evening with splatter of colors. The public didn’t give me the smirk or the rude comment. Yes, Mumbai is growing up.

To end my little mal-written report, I would like to say that I was not really happy with the entire thing. It looked more like a circus rather than an human-rights march. And the media, well they really want just to sensationalize issues. They probably are not really looking to help us by covering this march.

I am/was have always been confused

Note 1: This is not a direct knee-jerk reaction to Fly's recent post about multiple-blog personality disorder. I've been wanting to do this for some time now.

Note 2: I and Fly don't have any competition running between the two of us however obvious it may seem to the casual observer. The similarities between our blog postings, the frequency etc. are purely coincidental.

When I started out blogging, way back in 2004, I chose this blog, also known as 'Spidey blog', as the space for my personal self. This was the place where I could bare my clandestine identity, where I could fool around exposing my temptations, weirdness and my quixotic sense of humor. It seemed to provide me with a way to get closer to the stuff that I was seeing on the Internet and television namely sex, relationships and comedy.

Soon, as I became used to this process of letting myself flow from my mind to the keyboard, I realized that I could write about more stuff like art, literature, movies, music etc. But I still kept using this confessional as the place to do such things. It is certainly easy to do that. No hassles. Just open it up and do your fingers do the typing.

Lately, I have been having ideas about a truck-load of different streams to write on. And when I think of posting it all in this blog, it doesn't make sense to me as is obvious to the classier reader. In the last few posts I've posted stuff like rants, diary entries, anecdotes, neuro-science, confessions, inspirational music, paintings, hot beddable men and political humor. And in between all this, I got most 'attention' for a narcissistic post with my photographs!

What does this all mean? Does it mean that I'm more lost that anyone could ever be? Or does it mean that I should activate my Peter Parker blogs as well? Another option is to provide a separate window for stuff like rants & and confessionals in one, reviews in another and serious topics in a third right here in the Spidey terrain.

I was confused. Now, I am more confused.

If you were wondering...

• How I got money for the Kung Fu Panda movie...?: S got some money from his office. He returned me about 5% of the money that he owes me. That meant that I was able to pay the electricity bill and save up for about 20 more meals. I used up money for 2 meals during the movie.
  
• What's happening to my studies...?: Nothing really. I don't have money to renew the Railway first class pass and I'm too lazy to travel in second class to the hospital library. Besides, I've been 'social networking'. On that note, I must tell you one epochal event. I have come out on Facebook, MySpace and Orkut in the past couple of days! Congrats to me!
  
• What's happening to my band/recording...?: We have finished the recording bit. Now, mixing is going on. We have made the record label guys listen to the stuff and they love it. We are already drawing plans for narrowing down the singles and video concepts etc. The only thing is left to start gigging and let the money flow in!