Feb 14, 2010

Older gay men and societal pressure

My intrinsic neuronal networking and neurochemical homeostatic mechanism predispose me to have a liking for older men, who are often 30 years elder to me. Interestingly, not once have I faced a generation gap with such men. Most men have youthful vibrant minds and an active physical life, much unlike straight corpulent middle-aged corporate men.

However, there is a wide divide between older Indian gay men and those from the 'civilized' world. Excepting a very few, Indian older gay men are usually in various degrees of closetedness and are under great pressure to act straight in their professional realms. Some are caught in straight marriages in varying degrees of stability and comfort. Despite unsuccessful marriages, some men are being forced to stay put because they love their kids and have responsibilities toward their families.

A very common and hypercritical way to look at this situation is to be disparaging of their choice to get married when they did. I have friends who have fallen in love with their wives and before getting married to them. However, the little bit of bisexuality in them has waned off and they don't have a sexual or emotional relationship with their spouse now. Some others had married because of some kind of social pressure or similar situation when they were young.

I believe that this issue needs to be looked at from the points of view of both the spouses. The men have been guilty when they chose to not be truthful to their families and wives. The women have suffered trauma and humiliation during the duration of such a relationship. Both have their points to justify their claim and deserve justice.

At this juncture, when the men have matured enough to brave the coming-out front - many have come out in different levels already - a dialogue needs to ensue. An open one that involves the people who would be directly affected - the man, his wife, their kids (if they are old enough), the family, and at times close friends/partners. In this dialogue, everyone needs to come clean and agree to agree and disagree, and take positive steps for the future. This should be done considering the best possible outcome for all those involved so that the hatchet can be truly buried and a more joyful comfortable life would result.

There will be those who feel that people/life have been unfair to them. But that can be changed - for the better. Why not, for example, agree on a truce where the 'marriage' remains as a facade for the society - to front its insulting wrath - and a meaningful understanding friendship is achieved between the family members; especially the couple and their kids. If this is achieved, everyone can find happiness in their own way taking care of the rest in the best way they can. And they should, because they care about each other more often than not.


Anonymous said...

Easier said, Krishna! Honestly...

Kris Bass said...

@Anonymous: Easier said perhaps, but I do believe in what I say. Who is this, may I know?

Siddharth said...


shruta said...

Kris ..

You ve put it in a way so simple that it makes me smile .. I often wonder about the same thought ... but from a woman's perspective ...

When does one decide to bury the hatchet ..? When does one decide that its time to "grow up" and possibly move on ... I mean in this world filled with 6 billion odd people with 1.2 billion in India, how difficult is it to find someone else and move on ... not very I would reckon ... yet something about the whole aspect of being human and being able to "think" screws us around unfortunately .. and instead we choose to do a hamster and get no where .. feeling sorry for ourselves and ... blaming the society !!!

I mean why even maintain a facade for anyones sake ... why make a sham out of a marriage?? The society at the end of the day is just people ... mostly of the short term memory kind ... Its okay to make a "mistake" ... but live with one ...??

Kris Bass said...

@Shruta: You have some very valid points raised here. I agree with you. My views are simplistic. But the point, I believe, is to be happy. Once you realized that you have made a mistake, you might not have the guts to admit it. But that might change during the course of time. When you are willing to admit it and ready to come clean, there should be a way.


shruta said...

Thank you Kris ..

Yes there shoudl be a way ... maybe if things are thought over there will be finally be a way ... maybe when women learn to have identities of their own... maybe when people dont make "marriage" seem like a finality and swear by "till death do us part" .. or else its just a man trying to be happy with the guilt that he has hurt someone ... and a woman cribbing about the raw deal that one gets on being born a 44 + XX

shruta said...

Apologies .. THAT was filled with terrible typos ... that now seem to be associated with every time I put my fingers to the keyboard

Anonymous said...

It is easy to say lets all move on to positive outcome. Awesome seems like the right thing to do..

what is the consequence for the wife.. what about the abuse she suffers since she is percieved as incapable of attracting her man.. you think that stuff just disappears dont you think that is a very selfish irresponsible perspective..

verbal abuse and rejection at the hands of a gay man is more often than not an unfortunate truth..
What happens to her..

I understand gays are happy on being liberated what happens to the rest??

Kris Bass said...

@Anonymous: The wife must understand that it's not that she's unattractive to the man because of her own faults (if I may use that word). It's because the man doesn't feel attracted to women.

Well, I don't think I have heard of men who verbally abuse their wives. I might be mistaken, but I haven't yet.