Slide-show

When I’m going through these phases, it feels like my mind is clicking through a slide-show featuring several catchy images of why I can’t possibly do well in life.

The oldest ones are from my childhood days (between 5 and 13 years of age), originating mostly from my mother and her extended family.

“How could you I possibly have a son like you?” 

“Why can’t you be more like your cousins?”

“You are a disgrace to our family!”

“Remember that you will suffer through this for the rest of your life if you don’t…”

Then, there was a phase when I was in medical school (between 17 and 20 years of age), featuring an unending stream of implicit commentary from the people I had to surround myself with:

“What a dork!”

“He’s so awkward!” 

“He couldn’t possibly be empathic!” 

“How could such a person take care of other people?”

Then, there was a phase after my post-graduation (between 28 to 30 years of age), where I received a few deeply wounding comments around a fleeting relationship.

“You aren’t good enough at most things you do, which is why you are scared to practice medicine and why you aren’t good at music.” 

“People are saying so many bad things about you. I just overheard them at a party. I am telling you this because I am protective of you.”

Then, in the last seven of years or so (between 33 to 40+ years), despite a relatively successful time in my life, I heard some more.

“The things that you call ‘relationships’ weren’t really ones. Those were just flings. A real ‘relationship’ involves conflict. Conflicts are natural. The fact that you can’t cope with a ‘real’ relationship means that there is something wrong with you.” 

“You have changed. You used to be nice. You used to care. You used to be kind. You aren’t any of that. You are a monster.” 

“I don’t know if you can think of a career change because most careers will need you to be socially active. You are unable to do that. It will be hard for you to build and maintain circles of people, professionally or socially.”

My slide-show moves along just like any other. But just like how advertisements are meant to attract the attention of people, slides like these hoard my consciousness.

Maybe I’m all of this. Or maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m all of this because I have been told I’m all of this. And maybe I’m not all of this because I have changed after people have told me that I’m some or all of this.

Random list of fleeting thoughts

• I made a resolution to read at least 24 books this year. I'm doing well so far, having finished one book in the first week of the year.
• I am now part of a book club at work. It's basically the bunch of people that I hang out with at work and all of us are very passionate about books, movies, TV series, etc.
http://krishnakumarv.tumblr.com/post/107423796080/66-66-of-the-book-club-at-work
• After the first couple of book club meetings, the second of which was earlier today, I realized that people take books way more seriously, dissect/analyze characters in more detail, and think a lot more about the writer/setting than I do. I am partly overawed.
• I grew up in a household where radio was on almost throughout the day and the family could spend an entire day without having a long conversation. That's probably the reason why I like listening to radio/music all throughout the day and don't like conversations as much as other people seem to do.
• I am probably one of the very few people who actually have a physical radio receiver set at home.
http://krishnakumarv.tumblr.com/post/107424026585/remember-worldspace-radio-now-my-hitachi
• I love dedicating songs on the radio. Today, I dedicated a song for the boyfriend. He loved it.
• I love participating in contests on the radio, and I win regularly. I won a relatively expensive fitness band today.
http://krishnakumarv.tumblr.com/post/107396610455/won-this-in-a-radio-contest-on-radio-one-94-3
• I think I remember all the men that I have been out with. At least, all the people I have had sex with.
• I think vacations are over-rated, especially those associated with travel. Maybe I'm cynical, but I think they are generally overpriced, unnecessary trips.
• Blue-light reduction and luminosity reduction apps for smartphones and computers (F.lux for iOS/Windows/OSX, Twilight for Android) should be made part of the default operating systems.

Things that motivate me - in no particular order

I recently posted a random list of things that demotivate me. Since then, several people have request me for a list of things that motivate me. Here it is.

• The fact that I can listen, assimilate, and play music.
• My brain.
• My ability to please/satisfy someone.
• Fast humor.
• Science.
• Sarcasm.
• Jamming with a like-minded and intuitive musician.
• Writing.
• The human frailty to be ephemerally happy with little effort.
• Kindness, in all forms.
• Complements in all forms.
• Wordplay.
• Brainpicker.org, Pulse.me, Lifehacker.com, Twitter.com
• Athletic brilliance, in all of its variations, including mainstream sports.
• Throwing and catching balls.
• Frisbees.
• Science Fiction concepts - movies and books.
• Men with accents.
• Sex.
• My resolve.
• A sexy chuckle.
• Human touch.
• A quiet distraction-free working space.
• To-do lists.
• Lists such as these.
• Cricket intelligence and humor.
• Routine.
• Clowns and clowning.
• Scents of all kinds.
• Dogs and puppies & cats and kittens
• A clean living space.
• Twinkling eyes with a smile.
• Bicycle.
• Order.
• Conflict prevention and resolution.
• Reliable gadgets.
• Commonsense.
• Honesty.
• Someone telling me, "I love you" or "I appreciate your thought/action/gesture."
• Lucid, prompt communication.
• Quiet.
• Darkness.
• Stillness in the air.
• Mumbai Winter.
• Performing music and entertaining an audience.
• Appreciation and acknowledgment for thing you do/did.
• Trees and lawns.
• Sunlight.
• A joint and/or a drink.
• Conversation.
• Second and higher layers of double entendrès.
• Home-cooked food.
• Dark chocolate.
• Education and learning.
• Efficient planning and execution.
• Reading.
• Tori Amos.
• A tactile keyboard.
• Alice In Chains.
• Vocal harmonies.
• Powerful emotions.
• The bass guitar.
• Radio, in almost all forms.
• The guitar.
• Teddy bears, figuratively.
• The drums.
• Hugging.
• The piano.
• Groove and accented rhythms.
• Eccentricity.
• The harmonica.
• Cuddling.

Nominal idiosyncrasies

Well, this term probably doesn’t exist. Hence, I’ll define it for you.

Nominal idiosyncrasy (n): The phenomenon of an idiosyncrasy getting attached to a particular name of a person so much that it is hard to think of anyone else with the same name. Because of this phenomenon, ordinary proper nouns become adjectives.

I can think of a few. If you can think of more please add them as comments.

Arindam – someone who is a jerk, sycophantic, and is an attention-mongering whiner; a person with a stupid face, glasses, and a pony tail; a person who is certified number one in legal exposure.

Arnab – someone who is a jerk, who would never let anybody else complete a sentence, who never lets anybody else’s opinion seemingly matter; self-obsessed prick.

Anthony – someone who is a politician who will send out semi-obscene messages to young women with attached pictures of himself in his underwear; someone who has just an average penis but thinks that it is bigger than that.

Bill – someone who is a politician whose wife is also a politician; someone who has oral sex with his secretary (such secretaries are called Monica irrespective of their sex); someone who is obsessed with sex.

To take care of myself

Sometimes I forget that I’m supposed to take care of my health. Too many bands, too many commitments, too much of work – all have led to me ignoring the fact of taking care of myself and my body. Bands and commitments lead to more time out and partying and drinking and work leads to more stress, forcing me to try and find some time to relax.

I’m ashamed of myself in a way – to have missed gym on most days in the last three months or so – to indulge in some kind of alcohol in some social occasion or the other quite regularly. I wish I could just push the red button on this and get back to the routine of having time to take care of myself. Even if I find it, would I have the courage to push it?

The beauty of people

There are some people who are beautiful, not because they are blessed with attributes of widely-accepted social criteria of beauty, but because they are charming and graceful in their own ways. Many people around us - chaiwallahs, shopkeepers, rickshaw-wallahs etc. - are beautiful. Some narrow-minded people, especially straight men in my experience, find it hard to comprehend such beauty.

Take the case of the chaiwallah across the road from my apartment. Last winter, after a rehearsal, my bandmates and I went down for naastha at the mucchawallah dosawallah who operates across the road from my building, by the side of this chaiwallah. The chaiwallah, a typical Mangalorean man, with classic charms of a man from that region - the smile, the warm expression, the humor, the shyness, and the shine in the eye - was handing us our glasses of cutting chai when I suggested to my bandmates how beautiful/handsome the chaiwallah was and how good looking he must have been when he was younger - not that he is not handsome anymore!

One of my bandmates started laughing - not just laughing, but he was laughing at me and my observation and my judgement - it must be a coincidence that he called me as I was typing this blog post on my phone waiting for my bus. I tried to present my points but I couldn't get it through him. He was obstinant and stubborn, and in my opinion, narrow-minded. I gave up soon and I was left to wondering if and when the beauty of the world will open out to people like him.

The same is true with a lift operator in my new office complex. By his looks and accent, I think he's from Delhi. He has a charming smile, a graceful presence, and exudes warmth. He welcomes me in the morning with a hearfelt 'good morning' and makes polite enquiries about work whenever the occassion suits. Tonight, as I was getting out of the office building with my gorgeous friend AK, I was lucky to catch the same lift that this liftman was operating. There was the usual - a smile, a warm 'good night' and the works.

I thought twice before asking AK if she too thought that he was beautiful. Then I realized that she's a wonderful woman with little pretension. I asked her and she concurred. In the brief conversation that we had, she mentioned another sweet liftman and his 'beauty'. I walked out of the office complex with a smile on my face remembering the conversation with my bandmate. Maybe my friend wil open out to the wonderful world of 'beauty' soon too!