Slide-show

When I’m going through these phases, it feels like my mind is clicking through a slide-show featuring several catchy images of why I can’t possibly do well in life.

The oldest ones are from my childhood days (between 5 and 13 years of age), originating mostly from my mother and her extended family.

“How could you I possibly have a son like you?” 

“Why can’t you be more like your cousins?”

“You are a disgrace to our family!”

“Remember that you will suffer through this for the rest of your life if you don’t…”

Then, there was a phase when I was in medical school (between 17 and 20 years of age), featuring an unending stream of implicit commentary from the people I had to surround myself with:

“What a dork!”

“He’s so awkward!” 

“He couldn’t possibly be empathic!” 

“How could such a person take care of other people?”

Then, there was a phase after my post-graduation (between 28 to 30 years of age), where I received a few deeply wounding comments around a fleeting relationship.

“You aren’t good enough at most things you do, which is why you are scared to practice medicine and why you aren’t good at music.” 

“People are saying so many bad things about you. I just overheard them at a party. I am telling you this because I am protective of you.”

Then, in the last seven of years or so (between 33 to 40+ years), despite a relatively successful time in my life, I heard some more.

“The things that you call ‘relationships’ weren’t really ones. Those were just flings. A real ‘relationship’ involves conflict. Conflicts are natural. The fact that you can’t cope with a ‘real’ relationship means that there is something wrong with you.” 

“You have changed. You used to be nice. You used to care. You used to be kind. You aren’t any of that. You are a monster.” 

“I don’t know if you can think of a career change because most careers will need you to be socially active. You are unable to do that. It will be hard for you to build and maintain circles of people, professionally or socially.”

My slide-show moves along just like any other. But just like how advertisements are meant to attract the attention of people, slides like these hoard my consciousness.

Maybe I’m all of this. Or maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m all of this because I have been told I’m all of this. And maybe I’m not all of this because I have changed after people have told me that I’m some or all of this.