The DOMA project

I came across this on FaceBook. John (left) has apparently sent a plea to President Obama to resolve a familiar situation faced by thousands of couples all over the world. He is being separated from his lover Shaun (right) because of the immigration inequality for LGBT couples that exists in the US. You can read the full letter here.

I went through a similar situation with Vinokur about 3 years back. I can’t tell you how well I relate to the anguish that this wonderful couple is going through.

Arranged marriage woes

When I tweeted about this topic, people mistook it as my reaction to a story of a gay man being forced to wed. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. It’s a straight woman’s story to be forced to wed against her preference, against her heart, and against her will. It’s a very sad story, which when I heard first, I couldn’t react to appropriately. I still don’t know if I have reacted appropriately to it and I don’t even know if it is appropriate to write about this on my blog.

The setting is 2010 in a fast-developing, modern India—the same India where tonnes of grains rot while the poor die starving, and where the khap panchayats decide the right or wrong of a person to marry another person. But those things could be blamed as not being set in a very modern metropolis. This story is set in two of the biggest metropoles (is that the right word?) in India.

A woman who’s forced to be engaged to a man without each of them knowing too much about each other. A couple of months into this ‘dread-lock’, they find out that differences overshadow similarities between each other. They soon start lying to themselves and to each other hoping that things could sort themselves out. Their families interfere in varying degrees of emotional blackmailing to keep the marriage on track.

Now, this woman is forced to forego of all her dreams because her father threatens to disrupt the peace of mind of her mother, whom she loves. During this crisis, a good friendship that she’s into develops into something more than just the friendship—something, if nurtured, could blossom into a wonderful relationship. Yet, she’s willing to sacrifice everything and her life—for her mother. I think it’s a very sad story.

This one example as to why arranged marriages should be illegalized. My sister and her life is a good example of why most of the times, arranged marriages end up being a torturous experience to the persons involved. Why can’t people choose to have relationships with people who they want to be with? It’s their right, is it not?

The beauty of gay long-term relationships

In my everlasting search for a suitable man, sometimes, perhaps more frequently than I should for my own sake, I stumble on gay men who are in beautiful long-term relationships. Instead of feeling disappointed or jealous, I feel happy to have chanced upon what I consider as true, rare gems of the world -- well-adjusted relationships.

I have seen such relationships in the diverse colors and varieties that life has to offer -- inter-generational, inter-racial, inter-national, intra-generational, open relationships -- each and every one in a seemingly impossible state of equilibrium and negative entropy.

I usually end up meeting the older partner among the couple in these relationships. On almost all such occasions, I have been able to form a strong bond of friendship with them. They tell me stories about how they met their partner, sometimes decades back, how they have established a niche of a live-in relationship together, and how happy they are in their present state of affairs. Some are open relationships where the sexual drive has often died and yet the emotional component is as strong as ever.

I often wonder what is it that drives such people. If being gay is often considered synonymous to promiscuity, and ergo frivolous and incapable of relationship sustenance or emotional depth, how can such beautiful relationships exist? To answer this question, we must ask another question. Maybe I'm not digging deep enough or I'm over-generalizing -- but why are such relationships so rare in the straight world?

The reason probably lies in the disassociation of sex from being anchored to a deep-rooted emotional or procreative component, thereby freeing it to be an activity of pleasure and happiness. Remember, the institution of straight marriage has generally castigated non-procreative sex between two consenting adults. Marriage -- I must re-iterate, straight marriage -- has been promoted as a necessity for a successful social life.

Had love between any two individuals (above legal age) been encouraged instead of marriage, and had sex just been left to the discretion of two individuals who express love toward each other in a variety of durations -- some being transient like a one-night stand and some being transcendent, lasting many decades -- there would have been more instances of such harmonious relationships, don't you think?

Of Horrorscopes

If I were a regular boring straight young adult from the southside of the Indian peninsula, my horoscope would have been published in various matrimonial magazines, websites and newspapers. Believe me, it would have been really platitudinal and it would have read something like this.

‘Dr. Kris, 28 year old orthopaedic surgeon (M. S. Orthopaedics (Mumbai), M. B. B. S. (Trivandrum)), 5’ 10”, slim, medium complexion seeks a bride 20 – 25 years of age, post graduate, preferably a doctor, 5’ 5” to 5’ 8”, slim, fair, beautiful who’s interested in music, reading, computers, etc. The bride shall be open to the option of staying abroad or in other cities in India. The bride shall also be from a wealthy family which will be willing to provide a luxury sedan and about 50 lakhs of rupees in cash.’

Now, the reason why I’m posting this is because during today’s conversation with my sister, she said that a couple of cousins of mine are getting their horoscopes published. This, down south, is considered a sign of maturing into this wonderful, responsible young adult who could lead a sparkling marital/parental life.

Awww, c’mon! These are the same people who haven’t gotten laid, haven’t been involved in a serious relationship and can’t practically take mature decisions. These are people who still drink without their parents knowing about it, who still live with their parents and who still make chauvinistic comments about women.

And naturally, such ‘horrorscopes’ lead to ‘not-so-special’ relationships!

I hope arranged marriages and marriages based on astrological features are abolished forever!