Oct 5, 2008

As the dream crashes

It is hard for be to confess that my dream of living with Vinokur is going to at least be postponed for a year or so. In a recent interaction with his sister who is his caretaker, she has clearly stated that if Vinokur visits me in India, she is going to withdraw all support for him. She thinks that Vinokur is not fit for travel and that I should make a move if we want to be together.

It is true in a way. Vinokur is still shaky and is most probably still addicted to sedatives that he is taking. But I feel that the only way that he can get out of this if he's with me. Since I can't leave my life in India to the US and because we both can't support both of together at the present momment in India, it's not possible to live together.

I feel sad and angry at myself. It jsut adds agony to an already depressing situation at my end. I feel like being questioned if I have made my decisions right or not. I feel like if Vinokur's sister's trust in me is minimal. She must still think of me as just one of dudes that her brother chats with online.

Already Vinokur has proposed the restarting our open relationship. For him it is not going to change either way. But for me, sooner or later, I'm going to succumb to the desire of being close to someone physically.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can understand the agony you are feeling not being able to be with the person you love most. I don't know about Vinokur's sister or her trust in you. It might just be a simple thing that she cares a lot for her brother. To most Americans, India is far far away (it is the truth). It is difficult for her to let him come here.
If the move is bad for Vinokur right now, may be it is a good idea to rethink the move immediately...give him time to get out of his addiction to sedatives. It also gives you time to settle into your life, finish exams get back to working as a resident. In 6 months, weigh the pros and cons again. It might be way better and he can travel out here or may be you can think of going there then.
All this is definitely easier said than done because thinking through your mind is difficult when love is involved.

Kris Bass said...

MyHeadTrip: I see the wisdom in what you say. But it's hard to be wise when you are in love. It's very hard. I feel guilty of not doing enough to make myself available for him.

Reema said...

I second Apar's comment. Adding to it I would say that ur sister may be feeling the way."She must still think of me as just one of dudes that her brother chats with online"

It happens and is natural for one to be protective about one's sibling. I can also understand to the need of physical closeness and why most long distance relations fail due to that.
But I would say concentrate on ur career first.

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for you bro! Hope things work out...

Kris Bass said...

@ Reema: It's so easy to think that internet relationship are just banal stuff, isn't it?

I'm trying to concentrate. I'm doing better now.

@ MirrorCracked: I hope they will... :)

Reema said...

yes its easy to think but i dont do so in case u have any doubts.

Anonymous said...

there's a lot of denial going on in your life and mine -dh

Anonymous said...

there's a lot of denial going on in your life and mine -dh

Kris Bass said...

@ Reema: Thanks for clarifying.

@ Duncan: We all are in a perennial state of denial. :(

Firebolt said...

Hey, buddy, try not to worry. It will all hopefully turn out fine soon.

I tried listening to the new songs but this cafe's net speed is so slow, the song stops and reloads before the whole song has loaded.

By keeping rewinding back for fifteen minutes until the whole song loaded, I succeeded in listening at least to "A world full of Lies" in its entirety.

The track is good. Your edgy and rough vocals on that track suit the lyrics really well. I like this hard style of yours. That song shall give your entry a really strong point.

Good luck with the entry and your life, too.

Kris Bass said...

@ Firebolt: Mon amor, you do things that are really charming. Thank you for spendin all this effort to listen to my song. I hope I get some exposure with this competition!

Anonymous said...

I very much understand your situation.You should finish your studies and try to move there. I know it is not easy. May be you will have to take the study route and work parttime as bright students get money through aids.

Kris Bass said...

Yeah, I understand what you are saying. I have explored that option earlier. Now it is far more difficult as I would have to abandon my career in music. That's going to be hard.