I and my sister have been great friends from childhood. She has been very, very supportive in everything that I indulged in. That changed since she married. It was an arranged marriage and she had a lot of problems. I tried my bit to help her out but soon understood that she didn't want me to try and help. We had a couple of years of are rather 'cold' phase in our relationship. But we managed re-bond in the last couple of years or so. I happened to come out to her around this time as well only to find out that she and my brother in law have been snooping around in my blog for a long, long time!
Anyway, she called me yesterday after a week or so of inactivity. As usual, we were catching up on each others lives with the occasional update about our parents and our relatives. Pretty boring stuff you know. Suddenly, I remembered that I had not told her about the pride march and my interviews to the press.
‘By the way’ I said, ‘I attended the gay pride march last week. And guess what, I gave interviews to the press. I even gave interviews to a Malayalam channel!’
‘What?’
‘Didn’t I tell you that I was going be there for the pride march? Oh, you aren’t aware of what a pride march is actually?’
‘No, I know that. But, when are the interviews going to air?’
‘In all probability, it has already been aired. Nobody has called me yet.’
‘Well, be prepared for the consequences.’
I asked her ‘What?’ In my defense, the cell phone connection wasn’t all that great. There was a lot of noise at both ends as well. She repeated the same sentence. I didn’t understand the word at all until the third time. When I did understand it, I gathered my defense mechanisms up and said
‘Well, I guess I am willing to face them. But I must confess that it’s weird to receive a threat from your sister.’
I tried to change the topic and asked her why she isn’t coming to Mumbai to visit me. She said that she was busy and can’t find time to visit me. The conversation withered from then on and we hung up soon.
This led to me thinking what atrocity that I'm receiving just because I'm gay. To contrast it to those so-called 'normal' straight peoples lives, answer these. For the average straight reader - What would your sister do if you have fallen deeply in love and you wanted to marry this person? Wouldn’t she want to meet up with this person? Wouldn’t she want to spend some time together with you two?
The facts - It’s been more than a year since I fell in love and it’s been more than a year since I saw my sister. The only time that Vinokur has talked to my sister is when my mobile phone was stolen and I wanted him to inform her that it was the case. That too, because of my persuasion. The couple of e-mails that Vinokur had sent to my sister were never replied to. When Vinokur was here, my sister didn’t even bother to talk to him. And my brother in law has visited the US at least thrice without bothering to meet Vinokur.
Welcome to the fantabulous Indian family (for the gay guy)!
And to think that this happened on the same day as I saw this wonderful artcle about gay marriage. Hmmph!
31 comments:
I know it sounds impossible at the moment but your family will come around. Yes, they may say something now, but their love for you will finally bring them around.
At least we can hope, can't we?
it didn't sound like a threat but you would know --she was stating the obvious. real in depth conversation happens in movies and books where teams of writers work hard to make it right., it's hard to say the things that u want to say. I can't stand my sister, we are always on the verge of killing each other.
-dh
honey, I am sure its really weird for her too and may be all she needs is time.
Being the believer in happy endings, I only hope it all smoothens out in the end.
And may be, before getting to know V, you and she need to come back to ur comfort level of childhood. If one loves another, there is bound to be understanding sooner or later.
may be u can visit her and have a real "talk" about how u feel, how u'd like her to be an imp part of her life and how this is imp to you...
Same cases everywhere. :(
@ rambws: I don't know if there is a 'their love for me'. Serious.
@ Hines: It didn't sound like a threat? Maybe because your sister says thing like 'Hines, face the hitmen or something!'
@ Chandni: You know what, I have tried to let her know that I'm practically normal and that I believe in Vinokur and stuff. We might need to do that.
@ BK: I undertand.
ohh y gosh you are so right, i've been so abused by her i don't know what brothers and sisters are supposed to be like that -dh ( thanks doc )
Kriss...
Yup!
Its also their problem to learn to accept ye...
Never mind u, U've got V's support....
so smile now :)
I have maximum gay friends on my blog and I love interacting with all of you.
Now I’ll tell you something very frankly Kris. I hope you don’t misinterpret my point. (I have a brother and there have times when we have cold-shouldered each other over some issues. So I can understand the level of intimacy between you and your sister and those passing cold phases)
I love posting comments, reading your blog, knowing about you and Vinokur….as your friend, as a blogger colleague on the other end.
My point is- Dealing with the situation that you are in.. as a friend/ acquaintance or the average straight reader is very different from dealing with the same situation as a ‘sister’.
It’s a different bond altogether. It’s too personal and such delicate issues need to be addressed/discussed at the right time, in the right way.
She is your sister Kris. She is obviously concerned about you and your well being. That was no threat for sure. Give her sometime, may be she is yet to come to terms with your sexuality. She is your sister and not the average straight reader on your blog.
I can understand her cold behavior towards your partner from a sister’s perspective! It takes a while to accept these things…
@ Mystiquedew: I don't quite understand what you meant by 'It's also their problem to accept you.' I know Vinokur's by my side. But doesn't he deserve a better deal?
@ Swats: As I understand it, sister and brother should be more understanding than the average straight reader of the blog. Look, I did my part when she got hooked up to her hubby. Why can't she do her part? And if she's concerned about my well being, then why doesn't she support us morally?
And don't misinterpret my reaction as anger. I'm just voicing my opinion in this debate.
Dont worry, this too shall pass.
Give her some time! Sit with her and make her understand! That’s all I can say!
Goodluck!
Cheers!
@ Tazeen: Welcome here! I hope what you say is true!
@ Swats: 1 year and more, is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
hey sometimes I feel ; discussing sensitive over phone or any other media that talking personally screw up things furhtur. I think she too needs time to accept. after all its her own dear bro right ?
don't worry things will fall in place.
@ Bluemist: Meeting and talking is always tons of times better.
@ Blue and ALL OTHERS: How many years do you expect me to wait until things turn around?
Kris,
All of this is my opinion:-
While u r giving them time and space and hoping that things will work out.
I also believe it is as much the responsibility of ur family to learn to accept u for who u are.
And if they refuse to do it. There is absolutely nothing u can do about it.
And If they want ye, they will do it.
in this case its more so their problem to accept u and not urs at all..
@ Mystique: Interesting. That really helped me. Finally, I felt someone is backing me up. Thanks! And yes, I don't think I was feeling a little guilty myself when I posted this. But you have cleared that up. :)
Hi! This is my first visit to a gay person's blog. I want to say "All the best". The present day society is not broad-minded enough to accept homophilia. But each person's desires is left ENTIRELY to themselves. Homophilia according to me is not a disease. Everyone has his/her own likes and dislikes. This also, is one of them. Carry on. I will be frequenting your blog from now. I just want to let you know that all straight people are not morons. Many of them(including me) can accept the fact that you like people of the same sex.
Ok so I am going to speak my mind like I usually do! HA! So do listen to my lecture with half a ear atleast.
First, you have for all practical purposes lived life on your own terms since you came to Mumbai. You have acknowledged and acted on your sexuality, are in a relationship, lived on your own, pursued your own musical interests, worked on an alternate career, and despite occasional unhappiness, blossomed into a person in your own right.
Your sister has lived a very different life from you. Her universe is a different one and I am sure she has blossomed well in it. Both of you have lived in parellel but seperate universes for a while now. Despite familial loyalty and childhood comfort, do you really expect her to really understand and acknowledge your vibe under every circumstance? Is that even possible?
You are both adults with independent lives. You love each other and will be there for each other in times of crisis. You wish well for each other. How much more do you expect from people who are not and cannot ever "BE YOU"? To expect otherwise would be utopian and self defeating.
The very fact that she has different opinions from you and is comfortable enough to give you her point, is NOT a liability. If you trust her enough to love you as a sister, listen to what she says and think for a minute before you attribute notions of jealousy/discomfort/orthodoxy/vituperation/disloyalty etc to what she does and says.
Second, her discomfort with acknowledging Vinokur and by extention, your sexuality may be a little like... my attitude towards legalising Marijuana. I know that Marijuana can be medicinal and/or make some people happy... been there and done that... but I also think that legalising it opens to door to many other things. It sets a legal precedent to other more lethal drugs whose distrubution and misuse will be difficult to control. Maybe she likens the situation to something like that.
Intellectually she tells herself to be comfortable with your sexuality because as a sister who cares she must accept you for what you are, but emotionally she is still uncomfortable with it. If she closes her eyes and pretends it never happened, perhaps it really did not. Do you understand that feeling? I am sure many readers have experienced that about a lot of things in thier lives.
Perhaps she is somewhat comfortable with your sexuality, but what if she is uncomfortable with your choice in objects of affection aka boyfriend/s. Perhaps she is uncomfortable with your particular fascinations with older men. Perhaps she is very nervous for the choices you have made to be with an older person who has obvious health issues. Perhaps she is uncomfortable with the cultural differences. Perhaps she is waiting to see if the relationship matures and is workable. Perhaps she feels that if she acknowledges Vinokur as family, and then things are unworkable, you will feel her divided loyalty to Vinokur and you. Perhaps somewhere deep inside she is teeny bit jealous that someone has taken your primary affection away from her. Yeah siblings can feel like that too.
Another big factor is the fact that she is married with emotional loyalties to her spouse. How do you know for sure exactly how her husband feels about you and Vinokur? He is not you and didnt grow up with you. He may or may not have a different cultural ethos. You cannot tell the spoken or unspoken feelings about your relationship communicated between the two of them. Perhaps these have something to do with how he reacts and does or does not see Vinokur while in the US.
The things she feels are common among siblings who are in regular heterosexual realtionships. Yours has an added twist. Is there any wonder if she is unsure and uncomfortable?
As much as you are still a person in search of himself... as we all are... she is too. So cut yourself and her and the rest of your family some slack and dont over think this. You are strong in how you feel and how you want to lead your life. Allow others to catch up with you in thier own way and thier own time.
And to be honest honey, what she said about be prepared for consequences of your talking to the media... is true. I am sure you took that into consideration when you spoke to the media and are prepared for the reactions from family. Much like in the Western media, names of victims of accidents etc are never published until the families are notified, I am of the opinion that it is better to tell the ones closest to you... family/friends who may question you later... about important things like your sexuality/misdemenours/jailtime/prizewinning moments/moments of extreme happiness/achievements etc before they are flashed in the media or learn about them from outside sources. Ofcourse this is not always possible but it makes for better relationships after the fact!
Ok lecture over! You may go play your guitar now :)
A well wisher in NYC
hey
1st things 1st.. cool blog!!! i think i've been here before, not sure...:)
2nd.. about the situ with your sis, just give her a day or two.. try talking, if she is pissed off or not ready to accept who you are, then let it be.. dont push... family will understand..eventually!!! :)
[well, on a diff level, i have major issues wiht my sis, and we are abt a decade apart.. i tried tried and finally gave up...it just tires me trying to get her to understand me]
i feel like giving a hug!! u just ave a sister to work things with. i ave three and am just a teen. christ save my soul..hehe.. chill. alls gna be great. sisters would always be there for u no matter if the world walks away. i atleast do believe so.
DeLH bOI!!
im so absolutely glad to be here. just yesterday, i was discussing with husband about not enough 'gay indian' people blogging. I saw one a few days ago and was impressed ... I am very glad that you are taking up this cause and sharing your personal experiences with the audience at the risk of maybe even facing the 'consequences' your sister mentioned.
i am very proud of you. very glad that you are doing this. people, including your sister, who does not understand you should not be allowed to make you feel bad or frustrated. what they hold is their own prejudiced opinion. their reasons could be any. it doesn't matter. what matters is that you are happy with yourself and your partner. you'll always have the support of people who care about you and not your likes/dislikes.
once again, i am very happy that you are here. look forward to frequent this blog often!!
@ IndiaPavan: Thanks for dropping by. Thanks for the supporting words. And I have never said that all of the straight people are morons. Many of them (including my friends) can accept us!
@ awwiNYC: Too long a comment. I'll comment separately.
@ Aarti: Thanks for stopping by! Thank you for your reviews! Well, give my sister two days to accept what? About me coming out in the press? And I don't think that it's so easy to make my family be comfortable.
@ DeLH bOI: Thanks for commenting. I know sisters are good and stuff but they sometimes take far too long to come around. You know?
@ Roop Rai: I've been getting new visitors frequently now. You are the fifth new person on this blog! Welcome and thanks for the comments. And to tell you the truth, most of my blogging friends are gay! And from India.
Wow, you also gave me a lot of strength with those words. I really want to change their prejudiced opinion. :)
@ awwiNYC: Thanks for spending some time with Vinokur. He/we really appreciate it!
Your comment was so long that I don't know how to respond to it. Let me try paragraph wise.
Yes, I have done my own thing in Mumbai and she has done her thing in Chennai. But still, that doesn't mean that I would totally ignore the most important person in her life. She ignored mine. And I'm not talking about all circumstances. Just this.
Crisis? Was she their for my crisis? Did she not choose to be oblivious about what was happening to me and Vinokur?
I don't that I'm attributing without thinking. And I have thought a lot.
The analogy with Marijuana is weird. I don't totally get it.
I think she is somewhat comfortable with my sexuality. And I understand that it hard to come to terms with old age, ill health, distance and cultural difference. But isn't there something known as 'love' which transcends all such criteria?
You hit the nail on the head with the spouse. He's not too happy about it all. In fact, I still remember that I thought that I'll blew the arranged marriage had my future BIL would come to know that I was gay. But still, isn't it time gain knowledge about something like this and accept?
And if she thinks that I'm being stolen away from Vinokur, she would have to think of what her husband did to me. And I was younger then.
I also agree that it's better that I tell close people from the family first before they came to read on 'Hot news from Mumbai' on a freak-show channel in Kerala.
You give a fantastic lecture! Once again thanks for all the comments and views.
And thanks for making my Vinokur happier. He wants your phone number. Maybe you can e-mail to me.
:)
Damn Blogger! Wrote such a long & good comment, and it's all gone!
Love comes from strange & unknown quarters.. Don't let it go, no matter what!!
Sometimes, family doesn't understand.. Too Bad!
In your sisters defense, I think she will need a LOT more time to first accept that you are gay! Meeting your love is like a HUGE deal, and maybe she can't deal with that right now.. Give her time..
& to your sis who may read this: "This is your chance.. to be there for him.. to understand him.. to grow up with him.. lose this time & you will never get it back. If you want some more time to deal with it, let him know... All he seems to be asking is for his sis back in his life! Is that so impossible?"
Sorry, couldn't help the advice. Feel free to edit / delete/ modify the comment! :-)
reminds me of a line from bend it like beckham: 'You can't be (gay)! you are Indian.' Sad but true. we desis are closet everything-phobic. sometimes we come out of the phobia closets and how!
I came here from Roop's blog. Have lurked here a few days.
I will not say you are brave- because it is not brave to be what one is- its cowardly to pretend otherwise though. I think you are a very decent, very proper human being- a rare breed indeed.
I think people are uncomfortable about your sexuality, because they are uncomfortable about themselves- nothing more. No matter who they are.
There are NO consequences to living life as you want to- but consequences in pretending otherwise, consequences of carrying unnecessary burdens of social acceptability.
And yet, I feel your pain. Not everyone can handle the truth- which by the way is not all that unusual- you have a person to love and someone who loves you- how many people can boast that?
Biological family is expected to understand- actually I think they need to learn to accept- if they do not, its their problem, they loose a wonderful relationship a true one from your side. That said, I do understand how it must hurt. Despite the psychology, despite the circumstances of the others- indeed I do not understand why people who are commenting here do not try to justify your feelings more. I do not think that any amount of psychology or "parallel" worlds can justify your sister's behavior in hurting her own siblings feelings.
An neither can the whole bull crap about "values" ever justify how the world treats people who do not fit into a norm
@ wtml: (I'm very sorry that I didn't notice your comment until now - I'm doubly sorry that blogger is screwing up your peace)
Love comes from strange & unknown quarters.. Don't let it go, no matter what!!
The strange fact is that although I wish to believe in this, it might not be always true... unless, accepting love means losing love that is!
In your sisters defense, I think she will need a LOT more time to first accept that you are gay! Meeting your love is like a HUGE deal, and maybe she can't deal with that right now.. Give her time..
I had a see-sawing conversation with my sister yesterday. That would be coming up on the blog in some time. That would give you more insight.
"This is your chance.. to be there for him.. to understand him.. to grow up with him.. lose this time & you will never get it back. If you want some more time to deal with it, let him know... All he seems to be asking is for his sis back in his life! Is that so impossible?"
I'm not too sure she's still snooping on this blog all that freuqently these days!
@ anonymous: (Sorry for the delay) - I don't remember that comment. And I don't understand what you meant by
we desis are closet everything-phobic. sometimes we come out of the phobia closets and how!
Could you explain please?
@ @lankr1ta: First of all, that's probably the most insightful comment that I have received in this blog ever. Thank you for visiting and commenting!
I will not say you are brave- because it is not brave to be what one is- its cowardly to pretend otherwise though.
Thank you!
I think you are a very decent, very proper human being- a rare breed indeed.
Thank you once again!
I think people are uncomfortable about your sexuality, because they are uncomfortable about themselves- nothing more. No matter who they are.
But, can I help them?
There are NO consequences to living life as you want to- but consequences in pretending otherwise, consequences of carrying unnecessary burdens of social acceptability.
So, you must say that I let go off my social acceptability thread altoghther?
And yet, I feel your pain. Not everyone can handle the truth- which by the way is not all that unusual- you have a person to love and someone who loves you- how many people can boast that?
That indeed is true!
Biological family is expected to understand- actually I think they need to learn to accept- if they do not, its their problem, they loose a wonderful relationship a true one from your side.
Even if its their problem, I want to be loving them too in the way that I can!
That said, I do understand how it must hurt. Despite the psychology, despite the circumstances of the others- indeed I do not understand why people who are commenting here do not try to justify your feelings more.
They are trying to get me accepted to my sister's point of view.
I do not think that any amount of psychology or "parallel" worlds can justify your sister's behavior in hurting her own siblings feelings.
Well, everyone commits mistakes, don't they. And watch out for the part two of this same thread!
An neither can the whole bull crap about "values" ever justify how the world treats people who do not fit into a norm.
That's a very wonderful thing to say. I hope you will keep on lurking here and dropping commments!
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