Aug 11, 2008

Me, an asshole

Thanks for all of you who tried to help me out! I'm afraid, that is not working out. I'm going through all kinds of feelings right now. I feel insulted, hurt, aimless, indecisive, egotistic and selfish. I acted like an asshole and I left the mixing session in rage after finding out again that there was no point in me trying to tell my band mates what I felt like. All it leads to is more conflicts and less productivity.

I am sure I must have acted like an ass to get the response that I got from my band. I can understand that. But the thing that I fail to understand is why the fuck was I spending my time there in the first place? I could have easily been at home doing something. Maybe even studying. The rest of the band could have easily sat together and done the mixing that had to be done. I act like a depressing thought-block to my band. We don't get anywhere. We just simply waste time and money. The end result is something that the band cannot totally agree with, a lot of built-up frustrations for the members and a lot of mental agony for me. The fact is that I'm weak, but not meek. Despite being the eldest member of the band, I act like a child. I'm hard to convince and I'm very hard to agree with.

Even today, Vinokur gave me his advice. 'Don't try to change things that can't be change. Choose your battles. Just play along if it's not going to help anything.' Everything is so true. Just that I was stupid enough to not see the light. Just the same way that I fail to see the light when my band members suggest anything.
What it resulted in is that I am totally lacking in confidence, self-belief and self-esteem. I think I should turn back to good old 'antidepressants'.

(PS: I'm sure that I'm going to get shouted at for posting this. I think I should start another blog, where I could bare my heart fearlessly.)


Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

I usually advice people to ignore my advice, and I'll tell you the same.

However, having said that, anti-depressants won't help. Running away from the problem is not going to solve it. Just prolongs it.

But the you do know better.

flygye12 said...

dint get the PS bit, who's gonna shout us or ur bandmates?

i dont think i need to comment on that anti-depressant thing and how it take u down etc, u shud know better doc...

take a chill pill...when in doubt i follow Scarlett O'Hara's advice
"I'll think about this tomorrow"
have a nice heavy dinner, watch a nice movie (zee studio seems to have got its act together), dont talk about this to naughty stuff ;) , sleep on time....and when u wake up fresh, u'll realize how much u love ur bandmates :) amen to that

ps: u acted like a child

Anonymous said...

Don't stop urself frm baring ur heart out but plz do not resort to anti-depressants..this is no solution n u know it the best!

Plz sit bac n relax for a while Kris..

Say this before u hit the bed!

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Night :-)

Kris Bass said...

@ rambws: Your advice is precious to me.

@ Fly: I know I'm getting shouts from everyone. You guys now. And later on from the band when they will read this. I tried to sleep early. I got up after a couple of hours of troubled sleep. I think I dreamt of my childhood and stuff. That's even more depressing.

@ Swasts: I'll try to relax. But it's not very easy. That wisdom is not going to be there with me. If it was ever, it should have been here by now.

And about anti-depressants, they had helped me get through lean phases and I'm not totally discounting them.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... you shouldn't have stormed out... Left in a dignified and polite manner.

Anti-depressants are prescription only, right? It's a shame :(

Kris Bass said...

@ unsung: Yes, I shouldn't have. But then, I was doing very well to control my frustration until then. If I had to go out politely, I should have gone out earlier.

Yeah, they are prescription only. :|

kaleidoscope said...

Lets just say we all have our "moments": moments of joy, frustration and everything in between.

Two things then:

Problem: You seem to be frustrated with disagreements with the members of your band.
Dealing with it: The fact that you've known your band and grown with it also means that you are in some sort of a committed relationship with it. If this be the case, then disagreements or "hiccups" as I would call them, should not be seen as end-all of everything dear to you. Think of all the great moments that you've shared with your band-members. Think of some great compositions that all of you together have produced in the past. It would be so unfair on your part to rubbish all such instances and force yourself into thinking negative.

Problem: You say "I'm hard to convince and I'm very hard to agree with".
Dealing with it: This implies that you may not be a good listener. If you attempt listening to people, you can make a more informed argument about things you agree with it and those you don't agree with. This way, you would also open-up the possibility of a "dialogue" which is must in any collaborative-creative endeavor.

Finally, as cliched as it may sound, there's always a silver lining to each dark cloud. So don't fret. Relax and read something good.


flygye12 said...

a doctor prescribing for himself...that's the worst kind of self-medication and you know that isn't it?
i suggest


*in a mellower voice*

how about joining meditation classes?

Prash said...

I join in everybody's chorus : Don't take the anti-depressant unless prescribed by a doctor.

Sometimes the frustrated feelings go away after a night. Just see how you feel the next day. Maybe you will find a solution to this problem. (maybe not, but still you won't have these feelings)...

Cheers, cheers, cheers...mon cher ami !

pepe M. said...

talk to vinokur quite often! i think that helps alot than the antidepressant...

Kris Bass said...

@ Kush - Problem 1 - You know the problem lies in the music aspect. I'm feeling like I'm the only person whose opinion doesn't matter. I know it is not that. But everyone else's opinion seem to follow a thread. But mine, I stand out. Thereby, I always stand between them and their music. We have put together good compositions. But these 'good' compositions are the ones which are changing at the last moment. Almost all the changes are against my choices.

Problem 2 - I am beginning to feel like I'm a bad listener. It's hard to believe that is true though as my 'other' friends have not complained about it before. At the same time, I'm trying to listen. But what happens when someone says that wearing a jacket ain't good when I personally love wearing it? I think it's an analogy not worth mentioning twice.

I have tons of stuff to read. But can't stop worrying.

@ Fly: I'm not taking self-prescribed anti-depressants. I'm consulting psychiatrists. I also have been diagnosed to have bipolar by the way. Mania seems to superven until a serious state of depression hits. I can't join any classes now as my hands are full.

@ Prash: I thought I would feel different after a night. But alas, life ain't so beautiful. Thanks for cheering me! Mallus are good!

@ Pepe: You hit the nail on it's head. He's the only thing that keeps me up. But I'm worrying about my future. What happens if I start feeling worser and worser?

jeev81 said...


it's normal to get pissed off sometimes...and we tend to take irrational decisions the end an apology is all that is needed if you hurt someone unknowingly...

dude try pranayama it's very relaxing and easy breathing technique which controls your mind.

trust me it's very soothing and relaxing and doesnt take up ur time and can b done anywher..


Kris Bass said...

I'll look it up. :)