I don’t exactly know what the trigger was. But it just sounded the same bullshit to me. She thought that my life has lost its direction. She thought that I was not sure about what I wanted to do. Citing these examples, she tried to drive home the point.
- When you fell in love with Vinokur, you wanted to go over to New York.
- After that, you decided that it was better for Vinokur to come here.
- Once Vinokur came here, thing’s weren’t all the ‘rosy’. He went back.
- Then you say, he would come back.
- Now you say, you want to go visit him.
- You often get crushes on ‘other’ men.
- You aren’t sure as to what to do – either music or medicine.
- You aren’t happy now. That’s because of all these problems that you have.
She went on to tell me various other things like – Look, you aren’t giving your parents a priority in your life. You are just thinking about yourself. You aren’t thinking about some people who are suffering more as compared to you – you should try to help them and thus feel better! I told her that I would love to take care of my parents. But I didn’t want to compromise my life, my love and my happiness for anyone. We all need to be selfish, shouldn’t we?
I know that I’m not making a great job of studying right now and I’m ashamed that I can’t concentrate that hard. But then, I don’t want people to tell me be that I’m all fucked up – especially from my sister.
I told her that I thought that she was simply not seeing my side of things. I also explained to her that it was hard for either of us to comment on the other’s life as we live in totally different worlds. And I finally told her that, whatever her intentions are, she’s not helping me at all – instead she had just made me feel bad. I know that it was harsh on my part too.
Despite disagreements, she called me today morning to ask me if I was doing okay? I accepted her apology and returned the apology for being rather brash to her. :)
20 comments:
and thats my greatest fear...how my folks and other siblings would react if one fine day ive gathered all my courage to introduce my bf to them...
funny thing is thats how the situation i see between my bf and his sister now...
hang on...im sure one day she'll be a BIG sis!
I don't really fear the introduction. I am fearing why they would just brush away me as a 'good' person just because of my sexual orientation.
I don't really know you at all... So at the beginning of the post I was inclined to agree with your sister.
I still do, somewhat. Afer reading the whole thing... I can tell you have your head screwed on "straight".
Life is hard, all you can do is try to be the best you can be... while keeping yourself sane at the same time.
You seem like you'll be able to do it.
Only a sister will point out ur flaws n tell u the truth..outsiders do not worry too much u know..
"I accepted her apology and returned the apology for being rather brash to her"
Tht was sensible n sweet!
the parent thing was not good..am sure you can manage their expectations as well as live your own life at the same time...but if there is a conflict between the two, never let your parents down..after all, they brought you up...
(and by saying that, I am not implying that pretend to be straight and get married to a girl...hell, no!! :P)
Your sister, impolite as this may sound, needs to get a life! You are not a baby or a child. You are an adult. Clearly sensible enough to have a profession that needs a lot of application. Beyond a point, families have to let adults be. In India, people poke their noses a lot in matters they shouldn't. All in the guise of caring. Someone tries with me, I will give them a bloody nose. All nonsense.
Relationships with siblings can be challenging for different reasons. What's good in your relationship with your sister is that there is always a conversation. You always write "call from sister"; which means there seems to always be an effort from your sis to call you or talk with you; and this is wonderful.
I cannot take sides but from the read of it, it seems you are forever citing your sexuality as a reason for everything wrong that happens to you. Get over this "victim" mindset.
All relationships - straight, gay, and even straight-gay have troubles. Just because you are gay should not make you think that the world (and your sis in this case) looks at you differently.
Remember, at the end of the day people will value you for "what you do" and not "who you are". This is how I look at each individual too. I value him/her for what he/she does. Gay/straight; Black/white; Fat/thin is never an underlying concern.
Finally, actions are always louder than words. So rubbish your sis's occassional hurtful comments (as you call them). After all it is you who is living your life and not she. But value her and remember, of all the people in the family you had "come-out" to her in the first place. It's good that you are knowing her all over again in your "post-coming out" phase. And I bet she is taking time to know you all over again as well. So give each other that time.
And if things go really nasty, then just make it clear that you wouldn't wish to discuss anything relating to your sexuality with her in the future. Period.
But all this should not make you lose focus on things that are dear to you - music, your BF, your studies = anything that gives you "positive" food for thought.
Good-luck!
PS: Your rendition of "hey there delilah" was great! Keep up the good spirits!
you aren’t giving your parents a priority in your life. You are just thinking about yourself.
So Indian, so Arab ! So any society which revolves around family !
Bon courage !
Keep your spirits up !
I think I'll have to answer individually again? Start with Swats,
@ Swats: I agree about your statement. But then, sometimes friends seem to understand you better as my sister probably knows lesser. And I can be sweet if I wanted to!
@ A rebel all the way: I think you misunderstood my ideas. I would dearly love to do anything for them. But at the same time I would have to put Vinokur before them.
@ Anonymous: Well, I wouldn't give my sister a need to get a nose job!
@ Kush: Yes, she initiates the conversation most of the time and I agree with you.
About the victimization - I think I always sound victimized because I'm being made one. My sister always raises this point.
People also look for 'who you are'. I mean I don't know how I should explain this. Or maybe 'what you are' is a better way of saying it.
Well, I'm trying to put aside the comments and move and I hope that we both (my sister and me) won't take forever to get to re-know each other.
Well, sexuality is a very big part of me. And hence if she has to accept me, she has to acept that as well.
I am trying not to lose focus. But it's hard!
Thanks for the comments!
@ Prash: I know. It's weird. Thanks Prash!
"...I hope that we both (my sister and me) won't take forever to get to re-know each other"
I can empathize with you Kris. And I know it is difficult having an older sibling hovering like a helicopter always. After all how long can you bear the "noise"?
I think in most cases, family dynamics change to lesser or greater degree when alternate sexuality is at the heart of the matter.
How to best deal with it? Well, by making an "educated argument" so that they know you are not being impulsive but are reasoned enough to take the decisions that you do. By "educated argument" I mean an argument which is informed by facts and is thought through before utterance.
This way not only will you feel more confident but you will also win back the confidence of your loved ones. Slowly.
Cheers!
@ Kush: Educated argument. Good point. I think I'll have to start preparing.
Thanks for your words as always!
Well, I guess that is what family is for. To tell you that you are wavering. My brother and I have had so many arguments...there was a time I hated the guy! I also know though that he and my parents will stand by me come what may despite how they feel about how I had acted.
It is nice that your sis and you apologised. Here is wishing you the best in your life...everything with Vinokur, music, exams :)
@ Myheadtrip: Yeah, I get the point. I hope it's the same with my family. Thanks for the wishes!
"But I didn’t want to compromise my life, my love and my happiness for anyone. We all need to be selfish, shouldn’t we? "
If u so bluntly say that.. well, then thats the way! But I don't agree that should be the way. Or best thats not the good way.
In their 50's and 60's our parents live only for us.. only with the hopes of seeing us happy. You shouldn't be brushing them away so easily arguing about 'our own happiness'
Oki, lets look at some aspects in your life..
1) Sexuality: Oki, trying to lead a straight life is unimaginable. And if done, it could put u in more depression maybe. Accepted! So lets look at the next one..
2) Studies & Career: MBBS is such gr8 degree to have and the profession would have been so noble, and fulfilling (mentally, emotionally, financially). Its a great thing to help others out and in_this_context the BEST part would have been the pride you would have given your dad when he tells people that his son is a DOCTOR.
3) Money/Daily bread: Inshah-Allah! or Krishna Guruvayoorappa!! thats your only hope.. :-@
4) Hygiene/A lifestyle with some order or planning: Nil, or maybe just a shadow..
5) Family-ties: :'-(
All 5 of these problems, alone or together can cause the 'parent-trouble'.. but only number 1 is something that you cant help. The rest are created by you.. and the way out of these are totally in your control..
No1, is actually normal, but it has become a problem because of the society we live in. But the rest is created by you alone.. maybe due to laziness, lack of proper planning/vision, over-excitement.. i dunno..
But let me please suggest something like a brother or friend.. Try to bring back stability, good health and a li'l wealth into your life first.. then you'll see your folks feeling better. Now if that means postponing the music thing or even shutting that door, then maybe thats it. But we all know that problem no:1 is such a formidable hurdle to cross in our society that we need to make some compromises..
And on vinokur, i dont think he takes up much of your time or so.. and besides its a good thing that you are giving him support when he needs it most in life. But the only thing is you should be level-headed about his problems. Support him, love him, BUT don't fret about his problems and loose your mind n time..
Need to find the balance between 'our_happiness' and 'our_parents_happiness'. Plan, work hard, work SMART and start leaving a stable,happy life.. cuz then it'll be much, much easier to come out to your parents.
Sorry.. I donno if I came out too blunt.. Just wrote it as it came out of me. But the kris I know from the blog can actually take this in fine.. even if its a li'l too harsh. But pls understand that this isn't to hurt, ok.. :-)
all the best...
with sincere prayers..
@ Dev: Wow, that was in some detail! And have we known each other in the past? I don't remember your name right now. I'm sorry if it's a slip of my mind.
If u so bluntly say that.. well, then thats the way! But I don't agree that should be the way. Or best thats not the good way.
I think that being blunt and brash is good when it comes to taking care of your own life.
In their 50's and 60's our parents live only for us.. only with the hopes of seeing us happy. You shouldn't be brushing them away so easily arguing about 'our own happiness'.
Are you sure? I'm sure that it's not the case with anyone - parents or children. I agree that they have been doing a lot of stuff. But they have insulted me and hurt me and made me feel so bad by accusing me of 'not following social norms' and 'not being a good son' and stuff. That too despite me being an good person. I used to have the respect of my friends, neighbors, hospital - everything. Just one thing was lacking. My parents and along with them, strangely but understandably, the relatives. Hence the apparent lack of concern.
2) Studies & Career: MBBS is such gr8 degree to have and the profession would have been so noble, and fulfilling (mentally, emotionally, financially). Its a great thing to help others out and in_this_context the BEST part would have been the pride you would have given your dad when he tells people that his son is a DOCTOR.
When have I denied that? It's is the noblest and fulfilling profession. And I have not given upon it yet. And I'm already a Doctor. For six years now. I'm doing my masters now. Another point that I would like to make it is this - since when has this fact of choosing what you want to do dependent on what that career will make your parents proud - never! That's a sad state of affairs if you have to be someone primarily to make someone else happy.
3) Money/Daily bread: Inshah-Allah! or Krishna Guruvayoorappa!! thats your only hope.. :-@
I agree. But I am an atheist. So, I don't know what you meant really! ;)
4) Hygiene/A lifestyle with some order or planning: Nil, or maybe just a shadow..
What do you mean here? What do I don't have an order for? Are you accusing me just like my sister?
5) Family-ties: :'-(
You got an answer to that earlier.
All 5 of these problems, alone or together can cause the 'parent-trouble'.. but only number 1 is something that you cant help. The rest are created by you.. and the way out of these are totally in your control..
The point is that everything is tied together. Being a doctor and being gay is harder than being gay and being a rock musician. And because I have to be away, I don't have food and stuff.
No1, is actually normal, but it has become a problem because of the society we live in. But the rest is created by you alone.. maybe due to laziness, lack of proper planning/vision, over-excitement.. i dunno..
Well, I have a lot of good things happening in my life. I created them as well. So, I think it is more or less and even state.
But let me please suggest something like a brother or friend.. Try to bring back stability, good health and a li'l wealth into your life first.. then you'll see your folks feeling better. Now if that means postponing the music thing or even shutting that door, then maybe thats it. But we all know that problem no:1 is such a formidable hurdle to cross in our society that we need to make some compromises..
I am trying for all that. But this is the time when I need their help. That's the point of my post anyway.
And on vinokur, i dont think he takes up much of your time or so.. and besides its a good thing that you are giving him support when he needs it most in life. But the only thing is you should be level-headed about his problems. Support him, love him, BUT don't fret about his problems and loose your mind n time..
Well, yes and no about time? But then, we are soul-mates and that's pardonable. I think it's human to lose a few hours of sleep thinking about his loved one's problems. If you aren't, I guess you are a machine then.
Need to find the balance between 'our_happiness' and 'our_parents_happiness'. Plan, work hard, work SMART and start leaving a stable,happy life.. cuz then it'll be much, much easier to come out to your parents.
Our parents? I don't get it. Why did you use 'our' here. But I get the point that it can be easier to come out when you are well off.
Sorry.. I donno if I came out too blunt.. Just wrote it as it came out of me. But the kris I know from the blog can actually take this in fine.. even if its a li'l too harsh. But pls understand that this isn't to hurt, ok.. :-)
It was blunt and I like it this way. This really helps me explain a lot to myself as well. Hence, it helps. And I wasn't hurt. :)
Keep on posting!
thanks kris.. glad that you took it well.. though reading it again, i felt i might have gone a li'l too much..
and no we haven't known each other at all.. i got interested to read your blog, cuz there seems to be a lot of things ;-) we have in common.. and from this post_and_reply, found out some which we totally don't :-)
asl is 23/m/kerala :-D
the fact that i simply admire is how u totally open yourself up into your readers.. zero hypocrisy..
but also i think its not fair (well if u were spiritual, i would have said, to god or nature) that somebody as well-off_and_nice like you invites a li'l too much misery into your life. well-off as in born in a middle-class-indian-family-with-values, not diseased or handicapped, excellent left AND right sides of the brain, etc etc.
nyways, point is.. wud luv to see you living life with more happiness, more things working right! (gawd, that sounds so onam-ish eh :D )
love..
oh yeah and that pic of alan, in-the-pool... "Woof.. and woof again!!" :D
bye
@ Dev: Hey, good to see you back. You weren't too harsh or anything and either way, you helped! ;)
I see what you mean by commonness in both of us @ woofs!
I'm very good at opening and baring myself. And I also get the point that I should be happier. But then, life is not always easy. But I'm sure I'm working forwards.
Onam - sigh! I wish I were down there!
And why don't you comment on the photos post?
Cheers!
Really awesome blog. Your blog is really useful for me. Data Scientist training
Post a Comment