First of all, I finally feel a little better and am happy. A lot of self-loathing happened, a lot of loss of self-esteem grew in. I think I have found the reason why I felt so bad. A month back, I got a lot of negativity on this very blog which did me in. Whatever the intent that was, I got a lot of 'You are a jerk, an ass! You don't know what to do in your life. And you simply are a coward an shy away from responsibilities' crap.
I fell for it. I was already weak with all that was happening with me. Poverty, exams, lack of progress with my music and the lack of a 'definitive' physical future in the relationship with Vinokur etc. Weirdly enough, I fell even lower. I started searching and letting out demons within me. I denied myself of all entertainment and fun and tried to study.
That led to another abyss. For some reason or the other, I decided to break out of it and watched a couple of movies in the theater. That along with some other movies that I watched on the tube made me realize what it was like to be free of my anhedonic state.
I realize now that I am the best person to decide what is right and what's wrong. I have been stupid enough to ride on other people's points of view to supercede mine. That was stupid. That was weak. That was insanely inane. But now that I realized all this, I'm feeling better. I'm going to do the things that make me happy from now on. Enough of planning! You will fuck your future if you don't even let yourself be in a state to think straight.
4 comments:
:) U see the light. Just a matter of time before u sense the force within. Its an AWESOME feeling!
I'm in Mumbai (Bandra) 2nd week of Nov. Let's try and catch up.
You should be proud of yourself. I wish I could be like you. Being a doctor student as well as a future star. Along with that you are getting time to blogging about yourself and positive about your long distance relationship. It requires a lot of courage ,brain ,talent and good attitude from one person. You have to do what you feel the best for you. Others can advise only from their perspective.You will have to finish your studies and find a way to get to States. The easiest way is to go for further studies.But I know it is difficult with your current situation to think about further studies.
I really can feel how difficult it is to have a long distance relationship. that can affect some people when there are lot of other stuff going on. I have thrown all my happy life and came to Europe for studies. But now I am waiting to finish it and go back.
All the best my friend.
@ Stray: Let's hope we can.
@ Tapak: You have your gorgeous Dad with you around I presume. What's wrong with having one around dude? ;)
Hmm one should not let negativity get one down but it pays to hear out perspectives of other people too..but only those who know you in real life.
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