Some of you, okay at least one of you (yes, you know who it is) has wondered what a delight it would be to be my boyfriend. In the various adulatory comments that I have received over a few years, I have found qualities in me which even I haven’t realized I had. My self-esteem has been on the rise because of these and sometimes even I am quite sure that I would be able to give my partners a good time being just myself.
No, I’m not getting carried away slapping my own bass guitar. If you are wondering what that silly phrase means, don’t worry. I just coined it. It’s a neo-phrase adapted from ‘blowing your own trumpet’ – just in my case that I don’t play trumpet. I play the bass guitar. One more thing, ‘slap’ is not the same thing that you see in S&M movies. It’s a form of bass playing which is very cool. I must also add that I’m pretty average in slapping. Back to me – but my negative side. Here’s why you wouldn’t like living with me anymore.
Like every living person on Earth, who trudge on their feet miserably towards whatever sorry thing that they are doing, I too have my own ‘peculiarities’. Some call them ‘the extra spice’. Some call them ‘OCDs’. Some might even call them ‘things that make one person different from others’. Actually, I would like to rephrase this term to ‘annoyances found in a person that you would like to see eliminated; so much so that you wouldn’t mind killing that person itself’.
I have a ‘thang’ for avoiding unnatural noises while sleeping and listening to music; especially, when you do both together. Yes, I sleep while listening to some kind of music or the other because I believe that you are able to find time for listening that you can’t otherwise, courtesy your busy schedule. Besides, it’s a cool thing to wake up to a song which you really like.
Because the ceiling fans create a whole lot of noise (almost all of them do, and the one in m apartment is the worst of them), I hate to put it on. What happens in that case is that, those unimaginably resilient mosquitoes swarm and buzz around me and prick me to agony. Seriously, these are one of the very few ‘pricks’ that I don’t like. I do my best to cover me with a bed-sheet. Sometimes that works. Most of the times, it doesn’t. I was getting tired of this predicament and I decided to do something about it. If you are wondering if I weren’t using any repellents, I was actually using ‘All Out pluggy’ which doesn’t work at all.
Yesterday, when I went to the supermarket, I bought Mortein mosquito coils. I was happy hoping that Mortein would provide me with the same clinical efficiency that it did with its rat poison. Talking about rats, you must have an idea as to how irritating it was for me when that stupid rat was running amok in my apartment. That was the worst kind of noise. I had to turn up the ceiling fan and music just to eliminate that!
So, in the evening, I light this mosquito coil and was happy that the fumes even smelled okay. Since, I had closed my windows of my amazingly cute (read claustrophobic) studio apartment, the fumes were getting to my eyes. By the time I was ready to sleep, I my eyes were as red as a baboon’s sass and I was lacrymating profusely. But I still felt happy. I could listen to music without the stupid ceiling fan and doze off, which I managed to at about 2 am.
At 5 am, I was awakened by the soothingly warm buzzing of our dear friends, mosquitoes! Fuck, I was so pissed that I thought ‘Dammit, I’ll turn on the ceiling fan!’ I did just that and went back to sleep. I woke up to the knocks on the door by the ‘garbage wallah’ at 8 am. I picked up my garbage bag and gave it to him and returned back to bed. My radio was playing ‘Machinehead’ by Bush (the band, not the chimp) and I felt like smashing that ceiling fan into pieces because it was drowning clarity of the music.
I switched it off, and thought of dozing for a few more minutes. The only problem, I dozed for a few more minutes than I hoped. I woke up at 11 am all sweaty and muggy. I felt like cursing myself to death. I had just wasted an entire morning by just sleeping.
Incidentally, earlier in the night, Vinokur and I were discussing about finding an apartment or hotel room in Mumbai for him to stay when he would visit me next. For a long time, I kept on wondering why he wouldn’t stay in my cozy (read miniscule) apartment. That way, I thought, we could save a lot of money. I even felt angry at him when he suggested that Jews needed certain ‘luxuries’ and ‘comforts’ to live in – like air-conditioning etc.
Thankfully, the night just cleared up the smoke in my head. The only problem is to find a place for the Jew god to stay.
16 comments:
listen, rub yourself in olive oil and eat lots of garlic --this will keep the bugs away ( and a lot of people) It might seem like you're marinating in your own juices but it works. (and if you're talking about adela in the opening she's graduated to a flesh and blood love interest in her own hemisphere but she does relapse and fantasize about you on occasion ) -duncan
@ Duncan Hines: I'm not going to get any more unattractive, dude! LOL
And seriously, I'm so happy for her. Would you tell me a little more about the attraction? I'm dying to know!
Indeed, if you want Vinokur to visit you for a second time, you'll definitely need to check him into a nice hotel. From the sound of its current condition, your place sounds like a Time-Bomb! One day in there for a person who is from the states, will send him flying back home with a variety of illnesses. Take the right measures and you two will be coexisting peacefully in and with your apartment.
Here is what we could do to make the place a bit nicer...
1. Wash everything when you manage to squeeze out a bit of time. If time is a problem, cancel something else; this is important! The walls, the floors, corners, cobwebs, the furniture... now that the rat is gone, so must the final traces of its existence.
2. For the mosquitoes, get one of those sprays that we used to use 10 years ago, which would smell like death. It may work. Try spraying it when you leave home, so that it works over a good number of hours.
3. For the mosquitoes again, maybe you can get some nets for your windows? They work wonders! You NEED to keep your windows open through the night, and that's the only time the mosquitoes actually come indoors.
Here's a tip - Mosquitoes usually sit on your ceiling. Look up everywhere and you'll find them resting peacefully. Reach for your nearest pillow and try to smash them dead with it. Back home, my Mom and I would have to do that every night. We wiped out every one of the little fellas before we went to bed. If I missed one and I would hear it buzzing near my ear while I was sleeping, I'd put the light on, trace it down and kill it.
It worked like a charm!
4. Report final progress here :)
hehehe!
the very pampered vinokur!
@ Unsungpsalm: Wow, that was detailed. I use a lot of hyperbole in my writings. But I still agree that it ain't Vinokur friendly.
And I'm even more amazed at the fact that you think this can be made into one.
I keep the apartment fairly clean anyway. And believe me, there is hardly any furniture. I don't know about such sprays? Do you have names? I could put nets, yes. But they are expensive. Not affordable now.
You and your Mom - in a war with the mosquitoes - with a pillow? Hilarious?
I'll report back to you anyway!
@ Pepe: Yeah, you also think that he's pampered, don't you? But then, he's a God!
I found this post vastly entertaining. I also have a cute (read claustrophobic & minuscule) apartment. No mosquitoes, thank goodness.
My suggestion...find your boyfriend a "cute" apartment w/air conditioning, but also take unsungpsalm's advice & turn your apartment into a Bollywood love pad. Your boyfriend will fall madly in love with your unaffected charm & sense of style. It'll be just like the movies!
ps. tell your boyfriend we'd love pictures. :)
@ Handmaiden: Why do we all have 'cute' apartments? Why can't we afford grandiose penthouses? Hmmmph.
LOL @ Bollywood LovePad! He would fall in love with all over again any which ways when he sees me - whether it's at the L'ouvre or the slums of Mumbai.
And I presume, 'the boyfriend' (aka Vinokur)is reading these comments. He would be glad to pictorialize anything.
Mosquitoes...hate them, esp when they bite my little son and he erupts in rashes. Can relate totally with the struggle. Long time back, my mom used to do this, cos we used to see the pests fall down dead in lumps - light one of those small kerosene lamps...place the goodknight type mats (the old fashioned ones?! :)) on the glass allowing some space for the flame to stay alive. The smoke that comes out of it, makes the mosquitoes drop down. My mom stopped doing it, am pretty allergic to all sorts of such smells :( So we endure the mosquitoes by closing the doors/ windows most of the time.
I do understand the need for the "luxuries" that Vinokur wants. Got an invertor at home here cos I knew my son and I could not endure the power cuts - at least a fan if not the AC :)
@ Myheadtrip: What is this new technique with kerosene lamps? Totally curious. I'm curious why you or me can stand it and why Vinokur and your son can't! ;)
hi kris..........just heard ur song hope it was over...........it was really coool..............hope ur band suceeds......
Hey Aravind, thank you for your comments. By the way, the song that you heard are not the kind my bands write and perform. Cheers, looking forward bumping you here!
Aaargh... I truly hate mosquitoes and other insects, but even worst is when you get from the gym and looks like your sweating is appealing to them. I have successfully tried citronella oil to scare them away.
@ Night Sweats in Men: First of all, what a nick! That beats even rambys nick!
LOLz at sex appeal after the gym. Citronella oil. Is it good smelling?
haha, hilarious post! probably not so hilarious to the writer who has to experience those mozzies. i hate them too! sometimes i get them in my room, but i'm lucky enough that the noise of the fan doesn't bother me. :)
@ sulz: Hilarious, as you say, only for the reader! Here I'm battling all the above plus lack of internet. (this reply is through my mobile)
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