Yesterday, I went for a home-theatre movie triple bill at my friend's home. I expected it to be pleasant - the movies, my friends, and the whole experience. It was almost totally pleasant. I was wishing for just the one thing - if only I could leave my mind back home. My insecurities keep popping up everywhere as potential triggers. They indeed did here!
We watched three classic movies - 'A Streetcar Named Desire', 'All About Eve' and 'All About My Mother'. I watched two and a half as I felt sleepy and bored (I don't know which preceded which) through the first one. Apart from a couple of friends of Marlon Brando's who titillated my nonexistent tits, so to speak, I wasn't touched, moved, aroused, amazed, astounded, or even interested.
After Desire, we watched the other two and I was increasingly pleasured by the two others - especially 'All About My Mother'. My friend had chosen these movies as a planned crescendo because Mother had so many references to Eve and Desire. The movies were great, but I wished I could have watched them alone, so that I could pause when I wanted to, sleep when I needed to, and research when I'm forced to. That way I don't need to be wary of the potentially hurtful discussions afterward, when I'd be clueless as a kitten to be swooped off by a vulturous eagle.
See, I don't even remember the name of the characters. Almost everyone on the planet seems to know them by heart. And I can't recollect the most obvious of such details without Wiking/IMBDing. I'm pathetic, I know. But I'll leave whining for a little later.
I'm a tired man, I must remember. I've too many things on my plate that I can't even possibly taste and I'm full almost upto my lower esophagus. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics which supervene on my efforts to maintain wakefullness. I've a minefield of a mind full of blackholes about insecurities of lack of knowledge and exposure to arts, history, and what not.
In such a state, it was foolish of me to have attempted instant redemption. No offence to my lover and friends, I'm not quite up to the mark. I suck at most things that I want to be good at. I agree that I'm good at most things that I end up devoting time to. But there are far too many things, far far too many things, and too little time, which might have been curtailed had it not been for these pills that I'm on.
No one can save this wreck from sinking. But how much more can it float?
6 comments:
Sweetest,
Well .. then I think I live on another planet too.. I dint know all the names and all the events.. but I guess you just dont let it get to you .. :) You leave the movie buffs to remember the names and all.. (I mean whats the purpose of their existence otherwise) what you can always take home is the essence of these movies.. :) .. which you did ( I hope) in more than a way ..
you just did a Kurt Cobain by literally quoting " I am worst at what I do best" - rephrased.. and yeah I like you off the mark.. makes you seem human for a change Adonis .. :) .. Dont press and push urself .. its okay to be from a non-arty background .. you can get there any time .. :) ..
and STOP calling urself a wreck.. Ur imperfections are acceptable .. but calling urself a wreck aint ..
P.S. I still love you ...
Baby, All of us have our insecurities...there are poseurs and there are the genuine ones like you who articulate transparently whatever they feel! I want to be so may things, and if I can, I try to be what i can! Was it Oscar Wilde who said, 'who needs to remember spellings and meanings of words, when we have dictionaries?' Yes, anonymous is right in saying take the essence of the film/s...that is what is key. If you can relate to what you derive, good for you! Don't be overcritical of yourself, I know we are masters at self-flagellation! Let's not tear ourselves to shreds!
@AnonymouS: Thanks hon! I didn't intend to quote/misquote Cobain. It was accidental. I did take away something good out of it. But at this moment, all that is buried under this mask of insecurity.
@Murali: Thanks for the support. We'll explore some art together to cover up all these treacherous crevices. :-)
Attaboy! I love you for that!
KK..
Jaaneman .. you have people who love you in spite of your flaws (!!!!!) ... Insecure cause you have flaws...??? yeah sweetheart ... thats exactly the reason why you arent Jesus.. :) ... and yeah names given by parents @ birth dont make you almighty either .. :P
Well cool .. since you are game for arty stufff (see I like this approach) wanna come out the next time I go for a vernie play .. :p
You have to remember to bend before you break. Learn expect less of yourself, perhaps?
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