I thought I stood no chance whatsoever until I realized that maybe I could pass the exam by giving it a shot. My father's astrological readings suggested that I would pass. My sister seemed to have a feeling that I would. Maybe I too started feeling it without any reason whatsoever in the few days before the exam. It all resulted it the hiking of expectations within myself.
I slogged hard on the last 2 days. So hard that I didn't sleep on the night before the exam. Stupid of me to have done that I agree. But I was trying to sleep on a mattress which had bugs and having this weird feeling of a miracle happening at the exam hall. Some careless excitement for a naive mind.
The status became like this; Underprepared, overexpectant and under-rested. Whichever way you mix it up, the combination is horrid. And it proved bitter as well. I started doing well in the vivas. Then I fell apart. There were some weird questions which were responded to in a stupid fashion. And finally blunders happened.
I almost felt like crying. But I didn't. Instead, I started talking faster. My Mom and sister who got on the phone immediately after the exam might not have realized this. But I was disappointed. Totally. I felt that I had just seen my life slip away between my fingers. About a couple of months, I felt that Vinokur, and thereby life, was slipping away. About a couple of weeks later, I felt that my future in the band, and thereby life as well, was slipping away.
Why does it feel like this always? I don't have the answer. And I think I need to find the answer to try and find an alleviant. People with ADD (like Vinokur and his ex) have stuff like weighted blankets for comforting. They should try and invent such stuff for us regular people as well.
Anyway, I recovered quickly enough. Thanks to an extended session of drumming alone where I learnt a few more tricks. My left index finger is a little sore after the session.
I'm thinking - maybe I will get the better of such 'slip ups' in the future. I hope it materializes.
"An honest confessional, with a sprinkle of humor and opinion, of an academician/musician seeking happiness" Find me now on https://enagyginglife.wordpress.com
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