Seen a lot less worse days

This has to be a really important day in my life. The day when I was made to realize that I was doing something that I should not be doing, something that I was not good at. Or so it seemed. I am really depressed and down when I'm typing this. I really needed to talk to someone close to relieve myself. Unfortunately, I couldln't find neither the time or person suited.

What happened was the usual routine plus a little more. I had a repeat OT today as well. This meant that the only 'free' day we had from the weekly drag of a routine was also stolen away. Instead, we had to post cases for surgery and do it. This meant that stressful hours in the OT as well. Yesterday's treat had made sure that I didn't get any solid sleep, neither was I able to finish the work.

Therefore, in the theatre, I was reluctant to wash up. I was feeling tired and sleepy and had so much of work to finish up. The Murphy's law applied itself in its glory on me. The work took too much long to finish and before I was able to finish up, I was asked to wash up for the case. Naturally, I was shamefully tardy on the table. I got blamed. I felt very bad. I was told again that I was not fit for the career option that I had taken.

This put me off quite badly. I suddenly became quiet. That fear which is always lurking in the dark caverns of my mind suddenly grew up. If I was doing something that I didn't really want to, and when that thing was causing problems in my personal life including somewhere where I had some future in, then what crazy shit am I doing?

Anyway, that was over. Those really unhealthy comments still hurt after the case was over. Immediately after the case, I could have gone back to ward or to room. But at neither place was I ensured some private time where I could catch some sleep undisturbed. I opted for an ill ventilated room in the side room of the theatre. As I was dozing off, I got calls from three different persons. One was my co-houseman, another was a patient who was discharged about 2 months back.

The third was much more significant. And it had some grave news. My relative had expired some time back in the ward. It was my cousin calling and he said that they are taking the body away. I had to decide to lie to him that I was busy in the OT. That was my state at that time. And then I switched my phone off. About half an hour later, I was woken up by a servant for some silly reason. I was almost crying while explaining my situation and asking him to not disturb me henceforth.

After that, I dozed off again. A good 2 hours of sleep. I was feeling sort of okay after the nap. I went back to the ward. Got myself freshened up and took a round of the male ward while my senior came. The round went well till we reached upstairs. My senior was enraged to see a bed sore in a patient our professor had a personal interest in. Then he saw something else which blew the lid totally off. He fired me. Raw firing. He even told one relative that I was the sole reason why her money was going and patient was not improving.

Anyway, bad bad round. After the round, I'm almost in shambles. Life seemed to cave in. Then I realized that we were supposed to go for a treat today as well. I was not in a mood. Almost everything in ward was pending. I was hoping that my senior would not allow me to come. First he ordered me to finish up work and come if possible. Later, he realized that such an instruction would ensure that I wouldn't come which would probably dent his image at the treat (he would become a cruel dictator).

I was dragged into the treat. I tried to tell my senior that I was unwell. But he wouldn't listen to me. I went for the treat. Only physically. I was so far depressed that I isolated myself. I longed for a long conversation with one of my friends. I couldn't find anyone appropriate for the second day. I feel like shit. People realize that at the table. But nothing is spoken about. Everybody must have understood.

I had wine during the dinner. As I was coming back, I wanted to visit Xander's to give the remaining money. But, Xander was calling it a day early and I couldn't. I went back to the ward and tried starting work. But the sedative effect of depression, tiredness and wine were too much to control. I slept.

After an hour, I was woken up by a call which gave me a message to report me to the seniors room.

At 2 AM I go to my senior's room and hear about half an hour of shit. A lot of seriously depressing things about myself which further push me down the hole. After all, I go back to my room.

As I drift into my sleep I am fearful of the future I have here. I have a feeling that all my decisions in life have suddenly gone wrong and I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong place. I don't know how to get out of this shit.