My experiences

This following is a passage that I typed in the Gay Bombay e-group. Thought it might be interesting to read.

I thought I would contribute to this ongoing discussion about the
self-realisation of homosexuality. First of all, I must point out that I like
older men. The reason why I have such a preference might become clearer if you
know about my experiences as a child.

I was brought up in a family where my father didn't spend any time with me. He
never used to talk to me about what I was interested in etc. Besides he was away
from home for prolonged periods for work. This was the reason why I always
envied friends whose Dads were 'closer' to them.

When I was 8 years old, I used to go to play at my neighbor's place where my
friend's Dad used to chat with him about a lot of things. I felt attracted to
his Dad from a very early time as well. He must have caught me staring at him at
times because after some time, he gave me a lot of signs in a sexual way. Those
included undressing and masturbating (once). Even though these things did arouse
me, I was no way aware that I was being homosexual/gay. Honestly, I didn't even
know what sex was then!

After that, I began watching out for older men. And things started falling into
place. I was at another neighbor's house when an uncle over there was watching
tennis on the "then Cable TV". An uncle who invited me over didn't change the
channel when there were seens of nudity and sex. That was when I was about 10
years old.

In my puberty days, I felt the physical changes and started understanding sex.
When I started trying to read about sex, I never felt interested in women. I
would always read about men. Then I understood that there was something
different with me than with the rest of my friends. The hots for older men kept
raging on after I found a lot of books relating to sex in my uncle's library.

Then right through college, and my graduation I kept myself busy fantasizing
about men and eyeing hot older men. Now I'm 24 and it's been three years since I
have 'come out of the closet'. Most of my close friends now know that I'm gay
and I like older men. Some of them even try to understand me. I have not told
about my likings to my parents although my sister knows about it and is
supporting me silently.