It's amazing how songs sum up your life at any particular point of time. This one's a good one. Chris Carrabba has always been on my list of people to emulate. I love the way his songs sound lamentful and earnest. I couldn't find a YouTube link to it. But I'm sure you could find the track somewhere on the internet.
Dashboard Confessional - This Old Wound
Well I've been bleeding well from this old wound,
Cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.
And sometimes eyes turn black, and sometimes scars are tracks.
But every time you're gone,
I wish that you'd come back.
And everyone watched me waste myself,
and everyone cheered at last.
And all of them found it comforting.
It's better it's me, than them.
I think I'm doing well from what they say,
They've taken both my belt
And shoelaces away.
Well I believe in luck...
I think I do.
Well I'd believe for sure,
If ever I saw you.
Well I've been fanning flames from these old coals.
Feeding them with tinder, and hoping they will grow.
Well I've been savoring what I can't hold.
A blind belief in goodness
That doesn't seem to show.
Well I've been bleeding well from this old wound.
Cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.
The pleasure of working
Going to work is the only thing that I look forward to everyday.
Only very few things could possibly keep me un-worried when I'm not at work.
- It provides me with means indulge in something interesting.
- It provides me a comfortable working space.
- It provides me with time to listen to music.
- It provides me with Internet, without which life would not go on.
- It provides with a semblance of stability - no computer crashes, regular timings etc.
Only very few things could possibly keep me un-worried when I'm not at work.
- Gigs, which give an opportunity to do something challenging and fun.
- Alcohol could made a difference had I been able to afford it.
- IPL too to some extent, but my PC has made even that a dreadful thought.
Bipolarity
It's amazing how my mood cycle is periodic. Right now, I am a goner. People at work are shocked to see me locked up in this amazing shell. From a very chirpy, talkative person who liked having fun, I had become a monster, who would not make eye-contact, not talk, and avoids all sorts of communication unless it was absolutely necessary. People are intimidated. Of course, they would be. They should be.
They don't deserve to face the end result of my problems, most of which I can't blame anyone except myself. I agree that most people, when faced with difficult life-situations, prefer having someone, or something, to blame. I'm too proud to do that. I'm too proud to regress into a state when I can start blaming others. Another possible reason, refreshingly sadistic perhaps, is that I might enjoy the suffering.
People at work approached me with a myriad of ways to help me out and I have obviously refused to be helped. Not because that would make me any weaker. I just don't want to loop them in my pain. I know perfectly well that life is up and down. But, when you are left at the 'down'-side too long, when you have no tangible hope left, when everything adds up to your to-solve-problem list, when you twist and turn in the night without falling asleep, when you have a series of nightmares in sleep, you'll feel bad. You ought to if you are normal.
I'll don't want them to stop enjoying their lives. Who knows how long they will stay that way?
They don't deserve to face the end result of my problems, most of which I can't blame anyone except myself. I agree that most people, when faced with difficult life-situations, prefer having someone, or something, to blame. I'm too proud to do that. I'm too proud to regress into a state when I can start blaming others. Another possible reason, refreshingly sadistic perhaps, is that I might enjoy the suffering.
People at work approached me with a myriad of ways to help me out and I have obviously refused to be helped. Not because that would make me any weaker. I just don't want to loop them in my pain. I know perfectly well that life is up and down. But, when you are left at the 'down'-side too long, when you have no tangible hope left, when everything adds up to your to-solve-problem list, when you twist and turn in the night without falling asleep, when you have a series of nightmares in sleep, you'll feel bad. You ought to if you are normal.
I'll don't want them to stop enjoying their lives. Who knows how long they will stay that way?
My only wish
There have been innumerable instances of people writing about their wishes. From fairy tales to puranas, from poets to bloggers, people have written countless paragraphs on what they wish. Some wish for a change on a grander sacle; reduction of global warming, or the end of a civil war. However, some others, poorer souls like me, are selfish.
Like me, they want change in their own lives. Change in terms of success, wealth, marital bliss, and so forth. Yeah, I'm a sucker too. But I don't think I am going to ask for all that. I would want to wish for one thing.
I wish for a big, fat eraser to wipe away my past. To start afresh. To forget all the pain that I have endured. To fall asleep without twisting and turning through the entire night. To enjoy the present without worrying.
One further step forward
This must have caught at least half of Mumbai by surprise. A friend of mine, who wasn't even in Mumbai, made it a point to remind me about its significance. Yes. An article about gay marriage. Gay marriage in India. On the front page. On TOI. On a Sunday.
Talk about India progressing. Read the article here.
(Courtesy Times of India.com)
Talk about India progressing. Read the article here.
(Courtesy Times of India.com)
Dial MUSIC for rescue
In the second week after starting work, I explained to a senior colleague of mine about my mental framework. The alien work environment, work-related issues, and the new people that I was working with were acutely affected me. I detailed the various traits that were manifesting in the ageing me-the bipolar mood disorder which veered usually to the depressive side and some attention deficit symptoms. I was letting external factors like the chatter between colleagues affect me. Not anymore.
Back then, the mp3 player was not such an important, essential part of my work-routine. Now, it has become a savior. Every working day, I spend about 8-9 hours listening to songs while happily typing away at my keyboard. It gives me isolation and entertainment. It gives me a space which feels more like home. It gives me a wonderful chance to listen to all the music that I have always wanted to listen to. The playlist needs an overhaul twice or thrice every week.
Thus, in the last two months, I have rummaged through the discographies of artists like Michael Jackson, Madonna, The White Stripes, Kaiser Chiefs, The Killers, Kanye West, Eminem, Depeche Mode, Limp Bizkit, System of A Down, Elton John, Fiona Apple etc. Every now and then, there is the occasional song is inspiring enough to necessitate a mini-break from work for research on the artist, album or the song. Thus I have come to know about the profanity of Serg Tankian's lyrics, about the wonderful production in Madonna's songs and about talent of the the most remarkable musician on the planet, Michael Jackson. I have also come to conclusion that the British pale in comparison to the American stars in the world of Pop. Rock is an altogether different playing field, I know.
To whomsoever it may concern: try adopting my strategy for maximal work efficiency.
Back then, the mp3 player was not such an important, essential part of my work-routine. Now, it has become a savior. Every working day, I spend about 8-9 hours listening to songs while happily typing away at my keyboard. It gives me isolation and entertainment. It gives me a space which feels more like home. It gives me a wonderful chance to listen to all the music that I have always wanted to listen to. The playlist needs an overhaul twice or thrice every week.
Thus, in the last two months, I have rummaged through the discographies of artists like Michael Jackson, Madonna, The White Stripes, Kaiser Chiefs, The Killers, Kanye West, Eminem, Depeche Mode, Limp Bizkit, System of A Down, Elton John, Fiona Apple etc. Every now and then, there is the occasional song is inspiring enough to necessitate a mini-break from work for research on the artist, album or the song. Thus I have come to know about the profanity of Serg Tankian's lyrics, about the wonderful production in Madonna's songs and about talent of the the most remarkable musician on the planet, Michael Jackson. I have also come to conclusion that the British pale in comparison to the American stars in the world of Pop. Rock is an altogether different playing field, I know.
To whomsoever it may concern: try adopting my strategy for maximal work efficiency.
The middle-finger show
I admit it. I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. Yes, I am an immigrant in this crazy city who was complacent about his democratic duties. When I saw the young man, quite good looking, embarrass thousands of Indians in the tea commercial ‘Jago Re’, it didn’t occur to me that I was one of the persons at whom the commercial was intended to castigate. I had voted twice for the last two Lok Sabha elections and I somehow felt that I had done my job. As I have written earlier, a conversation with my Mom made me realize my folly.
Yesterday, when I came to work, I was invigorated. I went to http://www.jagore.com and completed the formalities. I have a voter’s registration form printed out that I will mail and ensure that I don’t miss out on this whale of a democratic process. Then, in the evening, when I went to the supermarket to get milk, I was embarrassed once more. I was about to pay at the paying-aisle when the young man, hardly 18 I think, asked me ‘Sir, have you voted?’ I said, with a wry smile ‘No. But why?’ He explained to me that all voters who had exercised their right are offered 2% discount for all purchases at the mall. I was impressed. The Tata enterprise, which has nothing to cheer about after the Nano’s predicted flop-show, had taken some initiative.
But the real thing was yet to hit me; something that would make me feel even worse that I how I had felt yesterday. I was shocked, shocked even more after browsing through the series of pictures in TOI featuring Bollywood celebrities posing for the camera after their wonderful deed. For some weird reason, voters in Mumbai got the ink-mark on their middle fingers. Most of the celebrities didn’t think twice before posing—they simply gestured ‘up yours!’ For those who are unaware of this faux pass, please take a look at some pictures. Or even better, read this and this on the TOI website.
Out at office
When I went to the GB Sunday meet a couple of week’s back, I talked about how easy it is for me to be out at my present workplace. When I applied for this job as an academic editor, I had sent in my CV which had the link to my blog. Obviously, had gone through it and a few bosses have even commented on it. That really made me comfortable. It felt like liberation—from the perceptibly homophobic milieu of a municipal hospital—and I felt happy. During the first week itself, a colleague of mine came out to each other. He is out to everyone and hence I expected a similar response to me. What do people talk about when they have their lunches and snacks together anyway, I thought?
Not personal lives! It was naïve from my side to have even expected that to have happened. Yesterday, I came out to another colleague. It was coincidental and happened over a joke on the messenger installed in the LAN. Later on, in the evening, as I was sipping my freshly brewed heavenly filter-coffee, I had a conversation with her. I explained to her that I thought that everyone knew citing the aforementioned reasoning. She told me that I don’t look like one. Oh yeah, I don’t look faggy, I know that. I have a beard, I don’t look scrawny, I don’t have a gym-toned body, and have no effeminate features. The list could go on. I don’t know if I should feel glad about being a non-stereotypical gay person or feel sad about acknowledging the social norm of stereotyping gays.
I still think that a few more are aware that I’m gay. If they don’t they will come to know soon. Either through word-of-mouth or through the soft-toy that sits atop my monitor—a pink cub bear wearing a muffler! That’s some statement!
Not personal lives! It was naïve from my side to have even expected that to have happened. Yesterday, I came out to another colleague. It was coincidental and happened over a joke on the messenger installed in the LAN. Later on, in the evening, as I was sipping my freshly brewed heavenly filter-coffee, I had a conversation with her. I explained to her that I thought that everyone knew citing the aforementioned reasoning. She told me that I don’t look like one. Oh yeah, I don’t look faggy, I know that. I have a beard, I don’t look scrawny, I don’t have a gym-toned body, and have no effeminate features. The list could go on. I don’t know if I should feel glad about being a non-stereotypical gay person or feel sad about acknowledging the social norm of stereotyping gays.
I still think that a few more are aware that I’m gay. If they don’t they will come to know soon. Either through word-of-mouth or through the soft-toy that sits atop my monitor—a pink cub bear wearing a muffler! That’s some statement!
Things that I learned
Things that I learned from the wedding reception that I attended yesterday.
- Don't ever attend parties where you won't have a reason to be.
- Don't expect 2 month old colleagues to replace your friends.
- Don't go to a party on a dry day.
- Don't miss doing something that you love for something that you dislike, which you are forced to do.
- Learn to say no. Firmly, but politely.
- Don't attend parties to beat away your blues. Talk to friends instead.
- Don't ever attend parties where you won't have a reason to be.
- Don't expect 2 month old colleagues to replace your friends.
- Don't go to a party on a dry day.
- Don't miss doing something that you love for something that you dislike, which you are forced to do.
- Learn to say no. Firmly, but politely.
- Don't attend parties to beat away your blues. Talk to friends instead.
Unplanned wedding
It's my CEO's wedding today. I had almost forgotten about it until a colleague of mind came to work dressed in a suit. I started noticing that colleagues were bringing in changes and stuff. I could eavesdrop on conversations about what one should look like/what one should get as a present etc during the phases of silence between songs on my mp3 player.
I was sure that I wouldn't go. There were many reasons. I don't know this guy, I don't have company, I can't afford a present, my depression etc. I and the two senior colleagues sitting on either side of me were trying to decide on attending the function. Sometime in the morning I got the icing of an excuse - Rob had planned for a rehearsal with Noise Market.
I kept working on and on. The HR team even arranged for a group chat to make sure that none of the office could excuse themeselves out. I was confident. I had typed 'Totally, nailed it!' as a response to the question 'Have you all made plans?'. And then came the face -off.
I am, as is obvious, very bad at saying 'no'. A senior came and talked to me as to why I shouldn't bunk. All my excuses seemed to go up in smoke. I gave in meekly. Soon I was on the phone calling for rescheduling the rehearsal. It was a big mess. I hate cancelling plans due to personal reasons.
Now, as I wait for a bus to take me to the railway station, I feel like a Congress candidate. I'm dressed in white kurta pyjama, and am heading to a dinner to binge on food and get drunk. Hope it comes off well. Anything to break this jinx of depressive evenings!
I was sure that I wouldn't go. There were many reasons. I don't know this guy, I don't have company, I can't afford a present, my depression etc. I and the two senior colleagues sitting on either side of me were trying to decide on attending the function. Sometime in the morning I got the icing of an excuse - Rob had planned for a rehearsal with Noise Market.
I kept working on and on. The HR team even arranged for a group chat to make sure that none of the office could excuse themeselves out. I was confident. I had typed 'Totally, nailed it!' as a response to the question 'Have you all made plans?'. And then came the face -off.
I am, as is obvious, very bad at saying 'no'. A senior came and talked to me as to why I shouldn't bunk. All my excuses seemed to go up in smoke. I gave in meekly. Soon I was on the phone calling for rescheduling the rehearsal. It was a big mess. I hate cancelling plans due to personal reasons.
Now, as I wait for a bus to take me to the railway station, I feel like a Congress candidate. I'm dressed in white kurta pyjama, and am heading to a dinner to binge on food and get drunk. Hope it comes off well. Anything to break this jinx of depressive evenings!
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