May 13, 2009


It's amazing how my mood cycle is periodic. Right now, I am a goner. People at work are shocked to see me locked up in this amazing shell. From a very chirpy, talkative person who liked having fun, I had become a monster, who would not make eye-contact, not talk, and avoids all sorts of communication unless it was absolutely necessary. People are intimidated. Of course, they would be. They should be.

They don't deserve to face the end result of my problems, most of which I can't blame anyone except myself. I agree that most people, when faced with difficult life-situations, prefer having someone, or something, to blame. I'm too proud to do that. I'm too proud to regress into a state when I can start blaming others. Another possible reason, refreshingly sadistic perhaps, is that I might enjoy the suffering.

People at work approached me with a myriad of ways to help me out and I have obviously refused to be helped. Not because that would make me any weaker. I just don't want to loop them in my pain. I know perfectly well that life is up and down. But, when you are left at the 'down'-side too long, when you have no tangible hope left, when everything adds up to your to-solve-problem list, when you twist and turn in the night without falling asleep, when you have a series of nightmares in sleep, you'll feel bad. You ought to if you are normal.

I'll don't want them to stop enjoying their lives. Who knows how long they will stay that way?

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