"An honest confessional, with a sprinkle of humor and opinion, of an academician/musician seeking happiness"
Find me now on https://enagyginglife.wordpress.com
Things like all-or-none thinking (Everyone should know…)and should statements (should know…) are some of the cognitive distortions that Dr. Burns lists in the book.
I’m making my way slowly through the book and I have to say I’m finding it helpful—helpful to understand what I’m going through with my depression and how severe, and deep-rooted it is.
I scored 74/100 in the Dr. Burns’ checklist. That’s the cusp between Severe (51-75) and Extreme (76-100) (read more here).
I was convinced that my partner J is also suffering from moderate to severe symptoms, but he came in at mild depression scoring 12/100.
I was/am shocked. Happy for him, but shocked that I’m so much further down than I thought I was.
So here’s my little ditty:
Dr. Burns, Dr. Burns Calling Dr. Burns Dr. Burns, Dr. Burns I’m hooked now
Why don’t I invite you to try the book out yourself?
The full list of cognitive distortions is below; read more about it here:
I have heard a lot many people talk about their experiences with COVID. Now that I have had it for about 10 days, I find myself in the same boat. I don’t feel like how I feel with my usual flu/viral infection.
I feel drained. My nose isn’t blocked but I still feel like it is. Nothing wrong with my throat, which is very unlike the usual. I’m triple-vaccinated. I have been extremely careful.
I must have contracted it at a gig where I think I was the only individual masking and/or attempting social distancing. Imagine that.
I had a tough evening yesterday. I thought I made my worst meal ever. Partially thanks to the partial impairments of my olfactory and gustatory systems.
The noise from the Ganpati processions (if you are not sure about what this means, read this) was loud well past midnight and I failed to catch my first wave of sleep. I tried to watch boring TV shows (Star Trek: The Original Show and the Big Bang Theory) but I couldn’t. Ended up watching an episode of Mr. Robot.
So I woke up shitty. Felt like calling in sick. Instead, I’m trying to motor on. Don’t have too many sick leaves.
I tried to fix an issue with a door handle by myself. Failed at it as well. Eventually, called a carpenter in.
All of this made me want to read something else with my morning coffee. So I started (maybe restarted) Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns. Been meaning to read it since my therapist brought it up several years ago.
Took the Burn’s Depression Checklist. And I got 74 (out of 100). That means I have Severe Depression. I’m just 1 point shy of Extreme Depression.
Wow.
But I guess that’s how I have been feeling. Burns talks about a score of 5 or less being normal.
There is a lot of that I feel like saying. I don't know if I will be able to say them all. But I feel like I should give it a shot.
Over the last several months (during the COVID-19 lockdown), life has changed for me. Some for the better, some for the worse. I'll start with the better before moving on to the worse.
I have learned so much more in music production. Finished a course and I'm just starting my last in the series. Wrote some songs, produced several others.
I upgraded my home studio setup. I got myself a powerful laptop, monitors speakers, a good electric guitar, and a cheap MIDI controller (that's not working too well).
My home studio setup
My new guitar
I have at least two active projects, both of which might end up releasing songs to the world soon. I have been working on songs for close to two decades, but haven't ever released something substantial in a trusted platform. I had a couple shots at it -- one solo and another with a band -- but both didn't quite materialize the way it did.
Now, with about 50+ full songs in the bag, about 300 more rudiments that could be fleshed out into full songs, and the ones that I could write moving forward, I think I could start the process of releasing them consistently over the next several years.
One of the projects is with a band, the members of which are part of another band that I love dearly. Over the last several months, we have been working on these songs remotely and some of these are starting to come to life.
The journey forward is challenging for me because I think I will be exposing myself to social situations where I'll need to spend a lot of time working on this music as a producer and engineer for this band, which I think is not my strength. Plus, I'm decidedly an introvert at the core, and spending long periods with people (even if they are my friends) will be extremely taxing.
So overall, this seems ambitious but I think it is doable. All I need to make sure is that I should not burn myself out, which I have a tendency of doing.
I have watched a lot of quality content, both movies and TV series. These are the things that generally inspire me to be creative, and I have conceded to the fact that they are not merely entertainment for me. These things make me think in ways that other forms of communication and media don't.
Among these, I must mention my dive back into the wondrous world of Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis, and the charm of good-quality Malayalam cinema. I still remember the time that I started watching Stargate with my friends and work back in 2014 or something, and they ended up finishing the series (the whole pantheon) in a year or so, where I languished in SG-1 for several years until I picked things up earlier this year.
I have rediscovered my love for gaming. I have started off with explore Xbox Game Pass on my Windows PC, but I think I am headed the way of purchasing an Xbox console when I can.
But I haven't been able to read too much. That's something I want to fix. I'm still stuck in Judas Unchained by Peter Hamilton. I have managed to read a few hundred pages in the last few weeks.
Amazingly, I started this book on New Year's day in 2018. I haven't read much other than a few non-fiction books and comics then. I want to finish this off before I start something new, something that will inspire me.
At work, I have gone from the manager of a team to someone who is primarily involved in creating, ideating, and troubleshooting. I'm currently in the last phase of creating an online training course for copyeditor trainees who join my company. This involved a lot of creative processes (with a lot of opportunity for seeding, farming, and harvesting self-doubt, which has more or less brought be back to a phase of full-fledged depression and anxiety.
To add to the mix is the work pressure and stress. I love working but I seem to have a problem with taking care of myself. This sort of thing has been happening at work for over 3 years now, and I have contemplated quitting or seeking other opportunities (less stressful). With my music revenues drying up during COVID-19 lockdown, with very little hope of things getting back to how things were before, I need to have this job to sustain myself and to work on my music.
Working from home might be easy in the sense that I don't have to travel or meet people. But it is difficult to plug yourself off the grid. Plus, after a 10 to 11 hour day of tiring work, I have to spend time to do the household chores. Then there is the music work. This leaves me with not enough time of rest, relaxation, sleep. I am trying my best to achieve that balance by trying to take short breaks to do some chores in between my work tasks.
The one aspect of work that is challenging but sufficiently rewarding to balance the negative effects of stress is the talks that I give to students from various universities about the academic publishing industry and related topics. These tend to be the highlights of my otherwise productive, but stressful and self-doubting, weeks.
I have had a relatively steady state of therapy sessions over lockdown, and I have decided to step up the fortnightly frequency before to a weekly one, considering that I almost fell apart in the last few weeks.
During the lockdown, I spent a LOT of time holed up in my apartment with my partner J. Before lockdown, I never thought I could comfortably spend more than two days with anyone, especially J. We had a stretch of about 4 months together. We were with each other night and day without any breaks!
We were both surprised to find out that we could hold out for this long. Of course, we had fights and arguments, but we also had wonderful shared moments, with lots of wonderful food and shared TV/movie experiences. We regularly had our evening tea on the balcony, with the backdrop of mountains and clouds (on good days) and the cacophony of avian noises at dusk.
For this duration, however, I lost my sense of personal space more and more, and that also has contributed to my triggering of stress, anxiety, and depression. My apartment is tiny by world standards and average by Mumbai standards, and I need the space for my music and to feel free that I can do things I want to do when I want to do. When I am with people, I give away all my space to them. They become the primary beings of the shared space. This is probably why I could never be with people for over a few days.
During the lockdown, I gave up my bedroom and desk to J for most of the day, which limited my access to my recording setup. He might do the cooking, but the cleaning responsibilities were harder and took longer. There was less quiet overall, and J was more or less in charge of the auditory environment.
When I'm alone, I usually have a variety of states where I'll play loud music or have absolute quiet, and I listen to podcasts and talk radio when I am not concentrating on text-based work. This world is shattered when another person shares the space with me. I don't feel like I should destroy their peace by auditorily invading the shared space, which is something that I don't usually get reciprocated for. This builds the tension and anxiety of losing control of the space. I don't know how to get out of this or have the feeling of a truly shared space.
I have finally started finding YouTube useful, especially to learn more about technology, music production, and my niche interests. I often dive into the YouTube maze and come out with learnings and best practices. This also happens with podcasts. In fact, the fact that I'm writing this post is because of the simple strategy that a songwriter espoused on a podcast.
They recommended starting the day and working on something creative. Maybe listening to music or writing. Writing songs or prose.
Because of the work-from-home situation, and because I want to try and finish my work as soon as possible, I end up starting work as soon as possible, which leaves with less creative energy at the end of the day. Today, I wrote some lyrics for a song that I'm working on, recorded a scratch version of it (both for the course), and I felt like writing this blog post.
Some of the lessons that I learned from the things that I read or seek out is how to do music production better. But the problem with knowing more is to find it difficult to get more done with less time. You tend to get lost in what you think you should do instead of what you should do. I used to wrap up demos in hours. Now, that has gone to days, if not weeks. That's not good and I need to figure out a way to make things manageable in terms of time. The latest course that I'm doing has an exercise that mandates that you set timelines for finishing a project. I will try to implement that moving forward.
My therapist tells me that I should try and stare out at nothing (or something pleasant) for short periods during the day. During our sessions, I found out that this activity made me feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my body. My eyes started feeling relaxed and I felt like drifting off to sleep. This morning, I did that by staring at the mountains for a bit. I need to make it a point to do this more often than I have been doing.
I have been finding it difficult to fall asleep at night, especially when I am with J. I don't know why it is that. I tend to feel sleepy if I'm reading something or watching something, but the act of needing to switch off the TV or put away the book and switch of lights wakes me up.
One of the reasons could be the anxiety/stress overall, but I think the frustration of not feeling like I have done anything meaningful in the day is a constant contributor. Thanks to my wonderful upbringing, I have a tendency to feel I'm not good enough for anything or that I haven't done enough to merit existing.
This is both for things at work as well as my music. I know that I'm doing good work, but I always feel like I am not doing enough or that I could have done way better. At work, there is hardly a system where such anxieties are considered and taken care of. Many have left the company because of the unaddressed issues, with more leaving soon. I feel for them, as much as I should be feeling for myself. But as I said above, I need this job at this time.
Over the last year or so, I have more or less pulled out of most social media. The only thing I check occasionally is Twitter. I have also stopped sharing photos. In fact, the joy of photography has somehow been sucked up from inside me. I guess I should treat this as a phase too. Or maybe it is because I don't get to get out of my house anymore.
I am planning to switch of 8-year-old Nexus 5 to something more modern. Something with a decent camera and photography software. I'm not sure if I should go for Pixel 4A or something more expensive and flagship (like the OnePlus 8T or some version of the iPhone).
During the lockdown, I have rediscovered my interest in writing (physical, literal writing) with fountain pens. I have refurbished the ones that I have and I have purchased a couple of good ones. Now, I can even write lyrics paper with real pens!
My not-so-good handwriting
One of the unsettling aspects of lockdown has been finding out that I relate and empathize with the heinous characters in some movies. These characters show psychopathic characteristics. They are murderers, cannibals, and sadists. I don't think that I have any of these characteristics, but I have the sociopathy. What they say about human beings, their sufferings, and how things should end resonates with me. I'm talking about Dr. Hannibal Lecter (played by Sir Anthony Hopkins) and Jame Gumb (Buffalo Bill, played by Ted Levine) from Silence of the Lambs, Tavis Bickle (played by Robert DeNiro) from Taxi Driver, and the young woman (played by Jesse Buckley) in i'm thinking of ending things.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter
Jame Gumb
Robert Bickle
The girl in i feel like ending things
I haven't talked much about Blumenthal. She is as pretty as ever. As I write this, she has gotten under the covers after having had her mail meal for the day.
Blumenthal in all her glory
So that's where I will end this for the moment. This was fun. This was refreshing. Maybe I'll follow my own advice and do this more often.
I wrote about photography earlier. Since drafting the post, I added some photos to it. These are the ones that I feel I should share or I should have shared.
So, I get a call from the Sub-Inspector Kadam. Two years and 4 months after the last time I spoke with him last. He was using a different number from the one that I had stored in my phone.
“Dr. Krishna?”
“Yes, haan bol raha hoon.”
“Aapka Kinetic Honda mil gaya hai.n BMC ke godown main tha.”
“…”
“Kahaan se?”
“Parel, godown se!”
“Aap ko aake payment dena padega gaadi godown se laane ke liye.”
“Theek hain. Main aataa hoon!”
I couldn’t quite believe it. I had lost it on the day that I had joined working Crimson. Now it is back? What condition would it be in? How much money would I need out dish out to get it back on the road? Can it ever be in working condition?
Your past is never going to leave you alone, I tell you.
We got back on stage and played a short acoustic set. After that, we invited our friends and a talented bunch of musicians to perform a few songs. They invited our drummer to play with them for four songs and invited me to play drums for the fifth song. I started the song slow and I gave a shoddy performance behind the kit. But it was all mean in fun and I didn't want to take all the negativity forward to my set of three songs, which included 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia, 'The Prayer Inside This Song', and 'What I Have Lost'.
I introduced 'The Prayer Inside This Song' as a song written by my ex-boyfriend (Vinokur) in 1968 when after he had a hangover with cocaine. One guy in the crowd jumped out of his seat and asked me 'Your boyfriend?' I nodded. Later, I was introduced to him and he said that he was gay and was happy to see someone from the same 'clan'! The set went okay, I thought - my voice was a little tired after the first set with the band. For a show without a proper soundcheck, I think the performance was good.
Later the band took over once more and we did a five-song finishing set, at the end of which the crowd started requesting for more. For some odd reason, Dr. R and Jay were in a hurry to leave - they didn't even hang around to say a proper goodbye. I went back to my apartment with my date to have a drink and a lovely conversation which was sprinkled with a couple of private (special) performances of my songs. We slept really late. We woke up late and had coffee at home and breakfast at the Mucchawallah Dosawallah. Then I saw him off in a rick.
That capped a wonderful day of ups and downs where I think I succesfully managed all three major facets of my life. I tag this as a #win.
Yesterday was a classic day when I was called to combine all three facets of my life - work/music/gay socializing - in a manner which would envy most.
I woke up late, thanks to a late-night rehearsal, which resulted in me taking my pills later than usual. I had a hectic day at work with reviews of trainee assignments and a separate document to edit. At the end of the day, I was called in for an unplanned discussion about a client complaint on an assignment - one of the rare times I fucked up at work - that dragged my eventual departure from office even more.
I was late for soundcheck for my gig at Not Just Jazz By The Bay with Cirkles (Shoonyas). I messaged my bandmates to let them know that I was running late. Ironically enough, I reached the venue the first. I was a little anxious because I was performing a few original compositions of mine (for Ideat Savant). Ideally, I would have liked to soundcheck my set, but the band soundcheck got so delayed than we finished it at 10 pm, just 15 minutes from the starting time.
I was surprised to see my friend and shrink Dr. R and her husband Jay turn up for the event. It had been about a year since I had talked to them and I didn't know when to start. After pleasantries, I consciously tried to avoid the converation drifting to my depression and career choices. I must say that I was relatively succesful.
I was expecting a gay friend of mine, the date from the New Year's Eve party that I had attended to turn up as well. He didn't have company and since my old friends had turned up, I thought of hooking them up with my date. He arrived as were finishing our first song of the day. I beckoned him over and I suggested that he hang out with my friends, which he evntually ended up doing. I don't know if he would be comfortable, but I was hoping he would.
Well, our set-list got a warm response, and we played an electric set really tight to get a rousing applause from the crowd. Unfortunately, our vocalist was struggling with a sore throat, and we took a break after an hour and 15 minutes on stage. The break was rather long, and I took the opportunity to catch up with my friends and the date. We had a nice conversation and I introduced everyone to my bandmates. (continued...)
All of you might have heard, read, analysed, and formed opinion about the shocking news from Aligarh. Aligarh Muslim University's (AMU) Modern Indian Languages Department's Chairman Dr. Shrinivas Ramchandra Siras has been framed by a local TV news channel for having had consensual sex with an adult man (a rickshaw puller). Apart from the fact that he was framed for doing nothing illegal (as the Delhi High Court ruled last year), it's shameful that the unversity has condemned Dr. Siras and his 'actions' and has played along with the sting operation. They have asked Dr. Siras to vacate the campus and have given him a week to do so. Dr. Siras has apparently offered to resign considering that he was close to retirement anyway.
There are so many questions that need to be answered. There are so many things which have been dealt with in the wrong manner. I believe that Dr. Siras shouldn't have offered to resign - instead, he should have filed an FIR for invasion of privacy and defamation. He chose to not do that, perhaps due to some personal reasons that we aren't aware of. I believe it is the responsibility of the rest of the educated society to help Dr. Siras regain his pride.
I happened to know about this scandal a little late - actually, I wasn't even aware until my colleague and gay rights activist SM asked me whether I had seen the article on the frontpage of TOI. I was shocked when I read the news and was even more shocked to see the sensationalistic biased coverage given to the story by TOI. I have a few friends who are working with TOI, and I am perfectly aware that they can't control what comes on the frontpage of a newspaper that seems to have chosen to be joker in the media circus.
Two days later hence however, I am happy to see the story on Hindustan Times about the strong support given to Dr. Siras by the academicia, one of whom is a dear friend of mine. Another story by Indian Express, which seems to uphold the values associated with unbiased news reporting, not only states the facts clearly but voices the opinion of a few sensible gay activists including those of a TOI/ET writer Vikram Doctor.
Please read these articles and help us to protest against the unethical and unjust treatment given to Dr. Siras.
I just watched this Indian version of the 12 days of Christmas on You Tube. It was very funny but, it didn't make me laugh all that much. Nothing would, I guess after what transpired in the last few days in my life. When I fell in and out love and relationships, when I finally broke-up with Vinokur. I'm happy and sad at the same time and have been keeping away from this rather public blog so as to get some more time to get used to the enormity of the changes in my life. I guess I have come far enough to blog about it. So, here's MY 12 days* of Christmas.
Sunday, Dec 14: The guitar class went great. I felt confident while imparting the knowledge that I had. So, too did the jam session with Noise Market. We are in the new-song-writing mode. One of the guys that I found out of the personals sites meets up with me at the Humsafar high and we go on to have a wonderful conversation and then sex. Felt wonderful having sex after a long time!
Monday, Dec 15: The legal consultations and the band managment is taking a lot of time out of my schedule. One of my new-friends is a lawyer from Australia and we are hitting off big time on the interent - he's literary, articulate, funny and an amazing racounteur. Despite the fact that Shoonyas have two live shows coming up this week, we aren't practicing all that much.
Tuesday, Dec 16: Ever since I have chosen to use the openness of the relationship that I and Vinokur were having, I have been getting a lot of responses from the personals sites. A few of these men seem to be very interesting. One especially so - A Gujju guy with flim-star (older) looks who wants a relationship is trying to get to me. He changed his ring-tone to a romantic one just for me!
Wednesday, Dec 17: I go for my first ever job interview - as a content editor at KPO which deals with medical research. I gave the test and am sure that they will call me up for an interview soon. Shoonyas has a very lukewarm gig a Not Just Jazz by the Bay. The crowd has been on the downside after the terror attacks. Although I and Rob battled throat infections, we had fun. (For those interested, check out Facebook/Orkut to see pics).
Thursday, Dec 18: Shoonyas played at the Ruia Colleg for a Peace concert in commemmoration of the victims of the terror attack. We were interviewed on IBN Lokmat TV channel and our shows were broadcast a couple of days later. It was a awe-inspiring experience. 300 odd Ruia-ites lighting candles when the night was still young. They sang in chorus! My best gig ever!
Friday, Dec 19: Another day passes by managing the legal wrangles for Noise Market. We are getting closer and closer to the finalisation the addendum to the contract. I have fun at the Birthday party of a GB friend (again, pics on Facebook) by playing guitar and jamming with the crowd. It's amazing that the gang of 'straight' friends from my friend's office were more fun than their fag counterparts. I also meet this wonderful lady at the party who sang like a professional! Incredible experience!
Saturday, Dec 20: My interview with the KPO goes well. They seem to be a little bothered about the fact that my gigs/concerts might call for more leaves/offs. I meet this Gujju guy and have a wondeful time with him. We have lunch at a hotel and then go for shopping for a set of Kurtha Pajama - I have to attend a wedding reception in the evening - the wedding of a family friend's son. After the shopping, we head of to the Gujju guys apartment make passionate love. To my utmost amazement, he offers to be with me for the wedding reception in the evening. We have the most amazing time in bed after that. I feel dizzy when I'm coming home - is this a future prospect for a relationship? Vinokur has already started feeling the discomfort. I know how it must hurt - but I still confide in him and keep the honesty intact.
Sunday, Dec 21: I have a busy day with Noise Market pratice and my student. Once I got free, my destination - the Gujju guy. I go over to his place and we talk - we talk for hours. We know we are falling in love with each other - but we can't. The gujju guy makes the most wonderful tasting meal for me and feeds me in a most romantic setting. By midnight, I start feeling that maybe I need to take the decision that I have been holding off from taking all this time - breaking up with Vinokur. The gujju guy says goodbye and says that we won't meet until I'm 'free'. I come home and talk it out with Vinokur. I feel that I'm the most wretched person on the surface of the planet but I manage to say what I said. We decide to call our wonderful relationships quits. It was darn hard, but we do it. Vinokur assures me that he'll be there for me if I need him. I feel relieved, I feel anxious.
Monday, Dec 22: I talk to Gujju guy about this and he freaks out. He says that he has thought it over and we can't be seeing each other any more - he cites some 'incompatibilities' in personalities as the reason. I feel that I am losing out on another relationship because of my 'near-virtual' relationship. He wants me to patch up with Vinokur and forget about him. I talk to Vinokur about it who seems to be happy to have me back but indicates clearly how humiliated he felt when he was 'dumped' for another person in so little time. We think it over, talk it over. It seesm obvious - our relationship can't go on like this. I will be seeing other people, getting attracted to them and maybe falling in love. If we are still 'lovers', then things are bound to be complicated. Hence, we decide to call it quits once an for all. The wonderful 1 and half year relationship - the most wonderful time in my life comes to an end - I and Vinokur aren't lovers anymore. We won't keep in touch at least until we get readjusted to reality. It hurts, more than you can imagine. But I'm glad we took this decision.
Tuesday, Dec 23: I am feeling odd but music seems to distract me. I try to get back to the Gujju guy who's hurt that I'm trying to force him to reconsider. He pleads with me to stop. But I'm worried about him because he's alone and he's hypertensive etc. He assures me that I'll get to know if something happens to him. Other than that, my friends are there to help me - especially the Professor. In the evening, I get invited to the in-house party at the sculptor's. I meet a few new older men in there. We have alcohol and I get insanely drunk. I was stupid enough to do that on an empty stomach and as a result I threw up later on in the night. But at least, the first night is over with!
Wednesday, Dec 24: The third leg of my job-interview is over - still positive. I visit the family-friend's place and share my worries regarding my Mom and Dad planning to visit me in Mumbai. He's my Mom's best friend since childhood and he, unlike my relatives, is more realistic about life. He and I bond (he's a very nice guy, I have felt) and agree to meet more often and to help each other in managing my Mom and Dad when they do visit. By evening, it's the birthday party of Dr. R! I was invited to be the surprise for the party and I travel all the way across Mumbai to celebrate the party her fiance's. Wonderful family, they were. Later on, we have dinner at a restaurant - I start missing Vinokur badly. I want to get away and start crying. I don't get to do that and I am relieved by a longish conversation with the Professor.
Thursday, Dec 25: It's Christmas day and I get up rather late. Noise Market practice session becomes a memorable one as we work on a classical guitar motif that I had composed the other day. That shaped up to be rather different, more mature sounding pop-rock song. Evening time's the worst - I plan to meet a new guy - he was busy. I ring up the sculptor for a dinner-conversation date. It's just wonderful to talk to him - he used to be counsellor at the Humsafar. We have a wonderful mallu meal at restaurant and then walk back home. I am not quite sure if he was looking forward to having sex. I decide that the next time I'll make the move.
For all those who stood by me through the last year or so - especially people like the Well Wisher in NYC - thanks a lot!
And lastly, Vinokur - I know you will be reading this - hold on my dear! Let's just wade it across this time period. Soon, we'll start talking to each other - as friends - and until then, take care of yourself. Okay? We all love you!
(*The real 12 days of Christmas start on the 25th - I know! But this is MY 12 days of Christmas. Please do forgive!)
This time last year, I was at a great restaurant in Bandra having a party with almost the who's-who of my life then. Life was great. Vibrant, full of hopes and expectations. My friends Dr. R., Sandy, E-boi, Xander, Parry, his girlfriend - all took turns to wish Vinokur his birthday.
Tonight, I sit at my computer trying to wonder what really went wrong. I feel like run-down by a train - a train of responsibilities and challenges that I was not able to keep up with.
Today's exam was the worst ever in my life. Apart from being reporting about half an hour late for the exam thanks to a slow wrist watch, I couldn't answer even one question out of the 9 ones with any semblance of quality. I think any of you (non-medicos) would have fared equally with me in this test. Needless to admit, but my confidence and self-esteem, upto the barest of minimums, has been deflated. Anyone, any fucking person in this world can defeat me now.
As expected, the only fun of this month has passed. It was the gig at Not Just Jazz by the Bay - Shoonyas gig, that is. These are a few pics.
Due to some obscure reason, I’ve been getting a lot more blog-traffic than previously. The traffic on my blog has leapfrogged from a nonexistent 0.17 readers per week to a giant 15.32 readers per week in the last month. And for mostly inexplicable reasons I have been getting tagged and receiving awards from the weirdest of sources. Sometimes I feel this is all not true and during one such instance, in the past week, I did a google search on ‘Engayging Life’.
In the results, I found a few links to a few fellow bloggers who have blogrolled me and a couple of the blogging sites that gave me awards and stuff. But the most staggering result of them all was this entry. Right at the middle of this screenshot titled ‘Queer Blogging in Indian Digital Diasporas’. If you notice further, that this link leads to a scientific research publication by a couple of researchers - Queer Blogging in Indian Digital Diasporas: A Dialogic Encounter by Mitra and Gajjala Journal of Communication Inquiry.2008; 0: 0196859908321003v1. Crazy stuff!
Since curiosity has imposed itself on me several times causing upswings in my feline mortality, and because I couldn’t access the publication as it was not available for free download, I decided to write to these authors asking if I could get a copy of it. I was surprised to see a prompt reply by one of them expressing their happiness to provide me with the publication.
It was a internet research paper about how the internet has influenced the Indian gay community. I went through it and found this rather ‘cute’ entry about my blog right up at the first part of the publication. Apparently the Talking Closets blog mentioned my blog in this entry back in 2005. This is what is said in that entry.
This one is actually going to be about gay blogging, and not just me spewing out crap about my erratic and erotic escapades (though some would say, that's what I do best.). Indian gay blogging, to be precise. I've always wanted to find out some guys in India who blog about their homosexuality, whether openly or from within a closet, and I found a couple of them, the other day.
My favourite is Kris', to which I've added a link on the right hand side. Kris is a gay doctor somewhere in Bombay, who saves lives by day and dreams of men by night. Wow - a hot Baywatch hunk gone gay? hehehe.. I wish! (which doesn't mean that he's not, of course.....!) The reason I like Kris' posts? They're amazingly easy: they're about a life, and the fact that he's gay is not the be-all and end-all. There's no sermonizing about gay people - and that's great. In the last few days, I've come across a couple of gay blogs which are full of activism - and it simply leaves me cold.
Isn’t this crazy? And you don’t even know where your rants can reach – even to universities in the US who apparently study our blogs! It turns out that the person who writes this blog is Mr. Rahul Mitra, a co-writer of this article. He also maintains this other blog Living High.
I did a little search on his blogs about me and my blog. All I could find was this surprising invitation to one mumbai gay blogger party back in 2005. He invited me and Vikster for this party. I don't remember receiving any invites back then. And hence, I didn't respond. I guess that pissed him off as you can't find my blog on the 'right hand side' in his blogs!
Since reading this, I have exchanged a few e-mails with Dr. Gajjala and Mr. Mitra. They are very interested in knowing more about me and other gay bloggers. They have indicated that they would wish to start communicating with all who are interested. For those interested, send me an e-mail (you can find it on the blog somewhere).
(PS: If you thought that this post was very self-indulgent and narcissistic, I am sure it is. But it was fun!)
It's 2.30 in the night and I'm sitting here catching up with Vinokur. As I browse through the very few pictures that one of our friends clicked with my camera, I felt like I found one that I could share with you guys. With Vinokur encouraging me to blog about my experience at the gig, here I am.
So, as I had indicated earlier, I was just feeling a little 'underpracticed' as a band. On my part, I had not brushed up my vocals and was struggling to remember the words of a couple of songs. So I was a little wary of what's about to happen. I reached the venue much earlier than my bandmates because I took the train instead of cabs and cars. It was empty. I could count just 7 customers in there. The band who were playing along with us were doing their sound-check.
I listened to the band going about their process and it struck me quite surprising how unprofessional they sounded. The drummer was not really 'tight' and the guitar tones were a lot amateurish. But they sort of fitted in together when the band started sound-checking and as a surprise they played one of modern rock's big hits.
By then Tim, Rob and S. had joined me. Soon we were doing our soundcheck and I was very happy with the sound that we were getting on stage. The sound guy was a somebody that we already had worked with for Noise Market. As he did that time, he gave us very good sound. During our soundcheck, I realized that I and Tim were singing different lines for one of the crowd-favorites. Apart from that, everything was in place.
Later on in the night, as the crowd started filling in, the other band took to stage and gave a good sounding first hour of songs. We were lounging with a few celebrities and media people (from VH1 and MTV). The only thing which is worth mentioning about here is that there were 4 supermodels (women) who were hounded by the cameras and the channels.
I don't have a problem with these beautiful women coming dressed pretty and flaunting themselves. What annoyed me is that they seemed to have no 'purpose' but to just give interviews and act cool. Basically they seemed rather 'brainless' to me. I wanted to just talk to one of them and find out really if they loved doing what they were doing. But I couldn't because we had to hit the stage.
And when we did hit the stage, we had our problems in getting chairs. If you are wondering why a rock band would need chairs, I would like to remind you that we are an acoustic rock band and we play sitting down with acoustic guitars. The famous DJ Mihir Joshi was anchoring the Metallica album launch and we weren't ready to perform until he had played 5 of the songs from the album.
We started playing to a very shoddy mix on our stage monitors (monitors are speakers kept on the stage - the band performing listen to themselves play through these) which means that we could make errors while playing. We did make a few, but then it sort of went unnoticed as the crowd was totally behind us - singing along, cheering us. It really felt good to see a few of my gay friends (from GB) and Dr. R. and her boyfriend and a friend of his in the audience.
Suddenly I realized that I was living my dream - playing in Hard Rock Cafe to a full audience who were cheering me and the band. It was an experience, believe me! We just got to play seven songs (about 30 minutes) and we were almost interrupted in the middle of the last song by the anchor. All the negativities like minor goof ups, a bad stage monitor mix and stuff etc were simply overshadowed by the bigger picture.
As we got back to the lounge area, we saw smiling faces and heard a lot of 'It was a great gig!' and stuff. Despite this, I was feeling just okay because I knew we could perform much better. But then, there is always a room for improvement. Especially in the starting phases of your career.
Post-gig, we had a kind of luxurious meal (I had a meat burger - something more nutritious and extravagant as compared to my regular meals and I had 5 glasses of orange juice to drown the food. The other band were playing the second part of their set. It surprised me that half the crowd had already left. That reminded me again of the kind of popularity that we have despite playing covers of songs.
I happened to chat up with the singer of one of the big metal bands in Mumbai (Scribe). I just wanted to tell him how I enjoyed their performance at Independence Rock. But we talked for a few minutes where he clearly expressed his utter hatred for covers and cover bands. I was once again reminded as to how much of bias that the crowd and the venues have for cover bands (like us, I might add!)
You know, a cover band could earn you a lot of money. It's not so tough to be in a cover band. You just have to learn the songs from their original artist and to imitate them. The real tough thing is to compose and create our own music. Even tougher is to get people to listen to it and support us. This is so tough in India, it's frightening.
I'm digressing far too much I guess. But that's the way I feel about it. And I guess I should write that way as well.
To sum it all up - it was an unbelievable experience - something which reminded me how difficult it is for people to come up with original music into the scene. It sort of saddens me that I'm a musician who does add to the pressure original artists face. Thereby, I declare myself a hypocrite. But we have to do this to make some money. Interestingly, it also justifies why the supermodels should do what they do.
The day at the gig didn’t start out very well as I had the problem is setting the mix right on my monitor speakers really. I thought I wanted the basic mix loud (the drums, rhythm guitar and lead vocals) on my monitors, but I wasn’t able to get that. It might have been my fault but I could have gotten off better without accusations that I was not doing my job properly. In my defense, I thought I was doing what I had been doing at previous gigs. It just didn’t work out I guess.
As I came back from the pride march, I wasn’t sure of the reaction that I would get from my fellow band members. Well, as always S. did manage to act homophobic and mean which didn’t help. I wanted the band to wear some of the stuff that I had got from the pride march. I think it was too much of an ask really, but anyway I was disappointed to find that they didn’t think it was important to push the message across. What could be a better stage than the day of the march at a college gig when you are with rainbow hats and masks? Yeah, in a parallel universe perhaps.
I am very glad that Dr. T., and a gay friend of mine (a DJ) came as my guest invitees. The DJ though managed to make me feel weirder by giving this lecture about why we shouldn’t have signed on to a label. He apparently thinks that they label thing restricts our freedom to choose what we want to play, where we want to play and when we want to play. He also thought that we shouldn’t charge as much as we do citing the example that he himself was not getting ¼th of what we normally charge for a gig. Well, whatever.
The bands which opened for us were two ends of the spectrum. The band called ‘Wehem’ were very unprofessional in their mix and performance. Their English was heavily mock-accented and the songs that they chose to cover were a tad on the sillier side. But despite that, the crowd were on their feet cheering and dancing. Fair, you could say. But come on, you have to be demented to appreciate mediocre music.
On the other hand, Prayag, our friends from Mumbai were simply brilliant. Everything about them sounded just right. They played brilliant cover songs and executed them professionally. Their original songs were even better. While being backstage getting ourselves warmed up, I felt good listening to them play. I thought maybe we would also sound good.
When we took stage after a fire-dancing performance, I was all excited and high. But the turn-out was disappointing. We had expected about 500 plus but there were hardly 200. For some reason or the other, our singer took some time to get into stage. I did my best to get the crowd active by cheering them on. But that didn’t really work out.
We started off brilliantly with our first single (hopefully). The band seemed in place and we played well. But from then on, at least my performance, flagged. I made mistakes and was not feeling all that great. I don’t know exactly why. The most prominent reason was the mix that I was getting. But I was also kinda tired with the lack of sleep, good food and the exertion in the morning and afternoon. And hence, I really didn’t give too much of a stage act.
The only thing that did help was the rainbow hat which I chose to wear in the latter half of the show. It apparently looked good and was very well accepted by the crowd. Our singer was a little off-color for the show and he forgot to mention the hat and the reason for me wearing it. We also fumbled and chose not to play one of our best songs. We actually managed to get only half the amount of time that we were promised and hence, we were a little shaken because of that I guess. The crowd was weird. They were dancing in a weird way to our songs. And they protested against playing our favorite songs. This was one of the points that I was arguing against in our band meetings. But I was proven wrong. I guess we’ll have to resign to the reality that no-body really cares for music and all of the audience would only want to jump up and down to a fast beat.
Post-gig, I was bluesy. Some of our friends stripped down our performance and gave wonderful critiques. I’m very thankful for them. We had to hang out at the college until they managed to arrange transportation for us. That made me feel even worse. All I wanted was to come home and spend time with Vinokur. Instead I had to hang out with friends who were having a great time joking about. No offense to them really, I was not in a mood despite having come out to them during the process.
I learnt a lot from this experience. First of all, I learnt to eat and sleep well before performances. I have learnt the lesson to make sure that I get the mix right at my monitors. I have to get my new bass guitar adjusted so as playing is easier for me. We also have to figure out a way to get the entire band interacting with the crowd. One man show simply doesn’t work.
Anyway, the grim reality haunts me. 3 months into the contract, the record label has not paid us. They seem to be lackadaisical in everything that they seem to be doing. Besides, I’m not really having a great time with the band these days. I’m not so sure about this being the primary career path anymore. I badly want it to be though.
FYI, Noise Market is headlining at NM College's Umang 2008 tomorrow night. The details are given here. The band has been given about 10 - 15 guest invites and there are a few left now. I am in a fix. I can't invite people from the hospital because there are just too many people. I could have invited my gay friends but most of them are busy attending the Queer Azaadi march in the afternoon and after that, the GB party in the night.
I tried inviting a few people from my real life (Parry, Sandy etc.). But no one is free. Dr. T is the only friend of mine who has agreed to come (along with a colleague of hers). Ergo, I could still get a couple of people in. I never imagined that I'd be doing this, but here I am ... Anyone interested?
If anyone happens to be, I would need to know that by tomorrow morning . So, hurry up.
[Why are we talking about Miss Adela Quested? Because he/she/it started commenting on my blog a couple of days back and has indicated his/her/it's desire for me, Kris Bass, in multifarious, nefarious ways. Here goes.]
Let's start from the name. Vinokur gave me the first hint that he remembered it as a character from the book 'A Passage to India'. Miss Adele Quested is the British Woman in the book who guided on a visit to the Marabar caves by the bearded Dr. Aziz, an idealistic, youngish Indian man who has befriended some English people. In there, gets confused and disoriented and apparently runs out accusing Dr. Aziz of assaulting her in the cave. Here's a still from the movie of the same title.
I don't know if this is a metaphor or analogy. I can see the smimilarities between me and Dr. Aziz. I'm bearded and I too am a Doctor. I'm youngish (28) and idealistic (maybe) and I have befriend English folk (not exactly, Vinokur is a darned American. But still he speaks English.) Since no one is sure about the sex of the character here, I'm going to refer to it as 'it'. Does 'it' adopt the aforementioned nick to drive in the point about lusting towards a bearded doctor? Perhaps. Let's carry on.
The first intended metaphor is drawn between Kris Bass and Jason Patric in 1987 horror/comedy The Lost Boys (IMDB). Jason acts the role of Michael, the elder of the two brothers who becomes a vampire after drinking blood mistaking it for wine. I'm not sure if I actually look as cute as him or that I am a vampire.
Then comes 'I haven't seen this much cuteness and naivete as the War of 1912.' This is by far the toughest of all the references. Here is the link to the Time magazine article. I guess we will need it itself to explain this analogy.
Throwing out Pet Shop Boys CDs comes up next. Well, I can sort of relate to that as I am so cute and sexy that Pet Shop boys are of no match to me. That's a wonderful compliment as even I love Pet Shop Boys.
It goes on to claim that it's the Darkman (Wiki) (from the 1990 film titled 'Darkman' - IMDB). The character is a scientist who after being attacked, turns into half-crazed, masked vigilante, known as Darkman who decides to get revenge on the criminals. This is interesting as I'm sure he is talking about taking on FlyGye as is evident from the interaction between the two.
Then it goes on to compare ourselves to the characters from the movie 'Weekend at the Barnies' (IMDB). It is compared to Andrew McCarthy who plays the character of a young employee in an insurance company whose Boss Bernie Lomax (to which I'm compared to - Shocking!) is involved in fraud of stealing money. In the final parts of the movie Andrew McCarthy uses the dead Bernie Lomax's body so as thugs can't kill him. Now, this is scary. I feel that the Darkman is after me!
Immediately though, it corrects itself by saying that it is more comparable to Ducky, an exchange student, with Chinky looks, in the movie 'Sixteen Candles' (IMDB) who in a alternate ends, wins the cute girl protagonist Molly Ringwald in the movie. Here I'm confused whether it is referring to its looks or the characters. Does it mean that it will win me over from Vinokur at the end of it all, perhaps in an alternate world? The plot thickens. Here is a clip from the movie where you can see how dorky Ducky, acted by Geddie Watanabe is.
Just to give the bait, it addst the twist of Malluhood, Kerala, incest in the reference of Arundhati Roy's 'The God of Small Things'. Although this led to me admitting the fact that I haven't read the book, I was able to get a review of the book which will give you an idea as to what it means. And it did hit me at one of my weakest points: incest!
To add the bollywood twist to the story, it compares me to the apparently blind Rakhee in this video. A point to note here is that it has taken care to confuse us with immediately giving us the alter-idea of it being tall, dark and handsome like Amitabh Bacchan after the dorky impression of Ducky. It has also acknowledged that I can sing and the fact that it likes my singing.
Then comes this analogy where it compares itself to Rachel Ward in the movie 'Thorn Birds' (IMDB). In this movie, Rachel Ward's character lusts for the priest in the family. After early setbacks, they reunite with tragic consequence for both. Scary as well.
Shift to even gorier analogies - to Linda Blair in the movie 'Exorcist' (IMDB). It claims that it feels like the character Regan MacNeil who has unnatural powers. The famous lines 'It burns. It burns.' are quoted and it compares burning to the feeling that my beard does to it. This really sounded interesting. Well, until I saw a picture of the Linda from the movie. Here it is. :O
Time for another Bollywood twist. Here, it compares itself to Rekha in the movie 'Silsila' (IMDB) who has to separate from Amitabh Bacchan who has to marry another woman because of commitments. But finally, Rekha unites with Amitabh. It got really confusing here. First of all, I was Amitabh here. Elsewhere, it was Amitabh. Secondly, it compared Vinokur to Jaya Bhaduri (then, now Jaya Bacchan). Now Vinokur is bald, has a beard and has balls and stuff. How could this analogy work?
Then we get to see the inner-happening of it's mind when he confronts Fly by comparing alleging that Fly likes movies like 'Birdcage' (1996, gay comedy, 6.5/10 at IMDB) and 'Juno' (2007, comedy, 8/10 at IMDB). A scathing attack, one would presume. The reader is led to believe that this person could very well be a self-possessed witch or something like that.
This is when I intervened. I was overawed by all these references, almost all of which I had no clue about. I requested it to give me some time to understand all the analogies.
It responded by analogies ranging from apartheid politics (Winnie Mandela using a machete to cut a message in the dirt about it's infatuation) to pop culture (Lil Wayne's song 'Lollipop' (video) with direct usage of it's lyrics). We understand its frustration in its apparent resignation at wooing me by comparing its efforts to the likes of Cyndi Lauper and her works (Girls Just Want to Have Fun - video).
We also were able to see the glimpse of it's mind where it longed for love and care. It can't stand unrequited love. When I asked for permission for a detailed post about it, it's used metaphors and allegory, it responded rather despondently that it's efforts were not a publicity stunt but true love. Still, it gave its evil intent out by comparing myself to Rosemary Woodhouse from the horror novel 'Rosemary's Baby' (1967) by Ira Levin. We are led to believe that it curses my fate to be similar to Rosemary's whose husband signed a contract with the Devil to be able to impregnate her with Devil sperm in exchange of a successful career. But it urged me to go on and do what I wanted.
Despite all these analogies, we are confused. What does it look like? Is it a he or a she? Confusing. I put my data through the supercomputers at the 'Indian Society of Character Identification'. The results that came were astounding. It could be either this, this, or one of these.
But it's still cloudy, isn't it? It called for more detailed analysis of the clues that it left. And yes, I did find incriminating evidence of at least its sex. It is actually a male as evidenced by this line 'Listen you may have to move that score to the male side ;)'. To confirm it I searched methodically for all my frequented blogs for further evidence.
And finally, I found this comment on Pepe's blog. 'As you requested - blog address - from Quested as requested.' This was the blog that I was linked to from Vikster's blog yesterday. It was hilarious. And I had left a comment on it. I smelt victory. I went to the blog to check out the blogger's profile. But there wasn't one. The name was 'Joy Division'.
I went and checked for replies to my comments. Yes, there was one. From someone called 'ben' who sounded so much like Miss Quested - 'anything for you kris bass, I'm a sucker for laughs. Consider it an early Christmas -- check back tomorrow and there will be more funny.' It's a shame that Ben's profile is not public.
The closest that we can come to identifying this person is this. He's a male. He's called Ben. And maybe, just maybe, he looks like this. Even this is fine. I hope not this.
What do I feel about this 'dude' after all this research? I feel curious. I feel like knowing him more.
Thanks to our dear friend Fly, I managed to get a juicy topic to post on. This time, I didn’t need to do a lot of thinking. I just needed to copy excerpts from a few of comments which the TOI had got on its website for it’s frontpage story about Dr. Ramadoss’s statement for legalizing homosexuality.
(Statutory warning: The following is dangerously, insanely comical. Please hold on to your seats!
B. N. Singh, Dalmianagar (Bihar): ‘It is an absurd & slap on the face of our Indian old heritage and culture.’ ’
salmantaj (Mumbai): ‘It is very disappointing that TOI is supporting homosexuals. TOI is a respectable newspaper and should maintain its standards. ’
zeena (Kuwait): ‘HOMOSEXUALITY is a sickness of mind can be cured by proper guidance and support.’
Sami Uddin (Kuwait): ‘You are moving back!! ’
Johan (Canada): ‘Why not, with the Indian desire of wanting sons and aborting daughters, make it legal? ’
Irfan (India): ‘Anyone who goes against this natural law will have to face its consequences (AIDS). ’
TSR (Kumbakonam): ‘LET US INDIANS AT LEAST CONTINUE TO BE CIVILIZED HUMAN BEINGS. ’
Rao (Canada): ‘Do not entertain such homosexuality in India. Teach good habits and good civic sense to the upcoming children so that they can become good and productive Indian Citizens. ’
Very Angry Indians (US): ‘HE IS CERTAINLY BRIBED AND BOUGHT OUT BY U.S. THAT HE IS DOING EVERYTHING AMERICAN WAY AGAINST THE NATIONAL INTEREST OF INDIA. HOMOSEXUALITY AND IN INDIA..........? ’
DR. SIDDIQUI (JEDDAH): ‘NEXT THE HOME MINISTRY MAY COME WITH LEGALISING NAXALS AND POLITICAL PARTIES MAY MAKE IT LEGAL TO ACCEPT BRIBES FOR PUBLIC BENEFIT! ’
Chandrasekar Ganesan: ‘So now that HIV epidemic containment is showing improvement he want HIV to spread faster. ’
A very concerned Indian (Hyderabad): ‘Homosexuality is one of the prime reasons for the spread of HIV, and how on earth does Ramdoss think that legalizing this unnatural trait can control the epidemic. I request all the readers to protest against this and save our country from this self-destroying folly.’
Mind you, there were very vocal supporters for the right cause in this hilarious debate. Very commendable, vehement replies! Amongst them, one stood out for sheer logic.
Srinivas (Madra): ‘Friends, please understand that if homosexuality for homosexual people is illegal/unnatural then, heterosexuality for heterosexual people is also illegal/unnatural. Please think scientifically. Homosexuality is not a choice of perversion.’
If I were a regular boring straight young adult from the southside of the Indian peninsula, my horoscope would have been published in various matrimonial magazines, websites and newspapers. Believe me, it would have been really platitudinal and it would have read something like this.
‘Dr. Kris, 28 year old orthopaedic surgeon (M. S. Orthopaedics (Mumbai), M. B. B. S. (Trivandrum)), 5’ 10”, slim, medium complexion seeks a bride 20 – 25 years of age, post graduate, preferably a doctor, 5’ 5” to 5’ 8”, slim, fair, beautiful who’s interested in music, reading, computers, etc. The bride shall be open to the option of staying abroad or in other cities in India. The bride shall also be from a wealthy family which will be willing to provide a luxury sedan and about 50 lakhs of rupees in cash.’
Now, the reason why I’m posting this is because during today’s conversation with my sister, she said that a couple of cousins of mine are getting their horoscopes published. This, down south, is considered a sign of maturing into this wonderful, responsible young adult who could lead a sparkling marital/parental life.
Awww, c’mon! These are the same people who haven’t gotten laid, haven’t been involved in a serious relationship and can’t practically take mature decisions. These are people who still drink without their parents knowing about it, who still live with their parents and who still make chauvinistic comments about women.
And naturally, such ‘horrorscopes’ lead to ‘not-so-special’ relationships!
I hope arranged marriages and marriages based on astrological features are abolished forever!
The expectation was so high. I thought I was acting supercool. The day was crazy and started off with Mr. Flintstone installed a new A/C in the living room. I also learned from Mr. and Mrs. Flitstone that the little party that I had with Sahaab and R. the night before had elicited comments and raised eyebrows of the neighbors. For their defence, we had the windows open and we were laughing and joking around too loud. Then there were a string of people like electricians, carpenters who did all the minor glitches at home. I wanted the home to be as good as it could get for Vinokur. By 7 pm, despite me not getting even a single call from him from the flight (He had promised to ring me up twice from the aeroplane because of the state of health that he was in), I was still within my elements. The 'extras' had just left. With sawdust on the floor and the house smelling putrid, I decided to clean it up myself with the help of S. who I ran into in the locality. I was buying some fresh fruits for Vinokur.
With commendable efforts from both of us, we finished cleaning by 8.30 pm. The flight was supposed to land at 9.40. I was supposed to be at the airport much earlier. I started from home at 9.00 pm sharp. I was wearing one of the T-shirts that Vinokur bought me which said 'I love DR'. I was wearing the perfume that he had gifted me and one of the Skullies that he had sent me. This was all decided though. At 9.20 pm, stuck in the traffic jam near the Mumbai international airport, I decided to try his mobile number. He answered!
I was startled and excited and relieved at the same time. He said that the flight had touched down at around 9.00 pm and he was running about with the paperwork. I was ashamed to be late and I said that I would reach him in 10 minutes which I did. I sent S. and Ray messages announcing his arrival. As I got out the autorickshaw at the airport, I wasn't believing that this was happening. 8 months of love. The first time in my life. The biggest fucking moment in my life. I'm going to see him for the first time.
I didn't pick him. He picked me. It was all so sudden. I heard a muffled 'Kris' and then I saw this figure, which I adored, running down the ramp and hugging me. He smelled wonderful. He was wearing a check shirt, jeans, slip-on brown shoes and spectacles. I don't remember what I said. Something foolish like 'Wow, I didn't expect you to be early!' I was still in control. Not too excited. I really couldn't believe that it was happening. I followed him up the ramp to his luggage. He said that he was tired and he made sure that I had the blue pills that he needed. I noticed that he sounded different. So different from phone and Skype that I thought reality is different after all. He confessed that it was a problem with humidity. Seemed reasonable. This guy has come from subfreezing to near tropical weather!
He didn't look as short as he thought he would when he was with me. We agreed that as I tugged the trolley down another ramp to the Cab rental place. We had rented an A/C cab after I thought that he should be treated to some luxury. I had an argument with the cabbie and I could see that Vinokur was fascinated by the actual exchange in a language that was alien to him. We got in the car and as it moved along the streets of Mumbai, I started explaining what they were and stuff. He was holding to the handle on the sides of the car with his left hand.
I decided enough was enough. I grabbed at his right hand. Not sweaty. Ran my fingers up his hairy forearm. I commented on his much adored hand. I guess everyone who reads this blog must have come across my fetishes which include hands and forearms. We talked a little further and we were at home.
As I explained the locality to him, we got out the car and I paid the driver. I was getting his luggage out of the car and I remember him leaning against the wall, beaming at me. So devilishly handsome and sexy! I opened the doors to the apartment explaining the double locking locks and shit. I hauled in the luggage. Some trivial conversation had happened I guess. I was showing him the apartment around I guess. But I didn't see it coming. He grabbed me from behind, turned me around and gave me what seemed like a 1 minute open mouth kiss. It was in the living room and I said we have the whole night ahead of us.
After a while, we started talking about achieving the impossible and the regular crap. I noticed that he was a lot less talkative and the spark that was embedded in his style of speaking was missing. I guess it was tiredness. Time zone shift, language shift, social shift etc. He said he was tired. I asked him if he needed anything to eat. He said he was good. We unpacked and he gave me a couple of bottles of perfume as gift. After a while, we decided that it was time for him to get rest.
We undressed and got into bed. I was learning my way around him and he vice versa. It actually didn't take us long before we actually had a couple of orgasms. It felt like I was in caring hands for the first time ever. We were meant for each other alright! After a couple of hours of fun and frolic in the bed, my first time of sleeping nude ever, he demanded a couple of blue pills. I gave him those and he was asleep. Peacefully at first, but was restless most of his sleep. I was eating and sorting out the mess that we had created.
I couldn't believe it. It had happened. I called his sister and told him that he was fine. We had managed to get him into 'my arms', which should cure his illnesses.
Finally, we hit the gig scene. It was a very troubled scene leading upto the final execution. The slot was not confirmed until the last minute. Neither was the remuneration. But we had worked our asses out and it got paid. We played for about half an hour and we rocked! We got the crowd moving the latter part of the gig and they liked our performance.
The best part of everything was that I got a rousing support from my own department with a few of the faculty coming for the show and talking me. I felt really good. Dr. T and Dr. R’s boyfriend also had turned up.
On the negative side of things, I think we had a shoddy sound thanks to the lackadaisical nature of the sound engineer. I tried to get myself doing head-banging etc on stage. But no one else in the band really did anything other than just play.
Look at him! I mean, look at him! Doesn't he look fat? Me, Dr. R and to an extent Sahaab have been feeding him with Chicken, beef, fish and eggs to make him like this. Does he look like Garfield? Anyone's heard of liposuction for cats?
Despite me having gone through the tallest of zeniths of my personal life, I've not been blogging. Something which gave me all the thrills of humor, creativity, language, imagination. I'd shirk to ruminate over the whys.
Yet, it is hard to overlook this. The simplest way to put it is because of apparent lack of time. But then, it's so hard to see why it's so. I'm at my easiest phase of work as a resident in the hospital. I'm being more creative than ever. I'm getting more inspired than ever.
The reason lies (or sits reading this) somewhere across the atlantic. An elderly balding jew is being allegedly suspected for this. Yes. It is true. I'm spending most of my blogging time with Al. Weird Al. Funny Al. Cute Al. Lazy Al. All these various life forms of a single person is flashing through my days and nights when I'm supposed to blog.
Is it okay? Well I don't know. I figure I should have more time for all this. More time to dwell on my thoughts. Be indulgent. Self-indulgent is more appropriate. Like giving yourself a treat : hot-oil-massage succeeded by a couple of hours in a jacuzzi? I have never done either of these in sequence or separate. That makes me look phoney. But I'm gay. I can do such stuff.
Today, I feel happy because of the fact that I cleaned up my room and took a bath and feel all privileged to be in my beautiful room. This despite my roomie (Sahaab) arguing over his overgrown adolescentish fiance over the phone which makes me hard to concentrate on what I'm typing here.
To make things worse, I just realized that the argument involved our closest friend Dr. R who's on tour with Dr. T.
Whatever, I think I'm back to blogging at least partially. But I hope I've not made mah lover lose more hair over the allegations. ;)
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