You are things, yet you aren't

You are tired, yet you have to fulfill your promise.

You feel sleepy, yet you dread being unable to fall asleep.

You had a good day at work, yet you feel like you’re going to feel exhausted even tomorrow evening.

You are a musician, yet you can’t find the energy to work on finishing songs.

You are, all of a sudden, a sketcher/drawer, yet you are aware that it is yet another skillset that will take years of slow skill building to overcome amateur-ness.

You are lying on the couch with your cat by your side, yet you don’t see how comfortable others might think your life is.

You switch off the TV because watching feels like work, yet your writing is work that you are switching to.

You are in winter (in Bombay), yet you feel the almost imperceptible sweltering swelling up.

You learn every day, yet the realization that there’s even more that you haven’t learned that you will not get to learn gets deeper.

You read and marvel at the words of others, yet you can’t seem to picture reciprocation in any realistic way.

You pack your evening with plans, yet you feel your life remains empty because the plans leave behind nothing substantial.

You take pride in being a friend, someone who cares and makes people comfortable, yet you don’t create opportunities to work your skillset.

You want love, yet you shy away from giving, which you know is one sure way of taking.

Work on the go

We’re in 2023. At least I am. Not sure you are. Not sure if the world is.

In the age of ultra-, mega-, super-connectivity, I’m sitting in a local train trying to latch on to a cloud-hosted work document to finish something that I couldn’t finish at work. Yeah, unlike so many other days, I had a tight workday.

A tight workday basically means working through your shift with high levels of concentration. Also means giving yourself and your personal life not much importance during the workday. I suppose the corporate world would want more people to have more tight workdays, but I’m pretty darned sure that few people would want themselves to work tighter than they already are, which, in my opinion, is too tight.

Tangent: just realized that the word used for defining when you work seems to suggest that there would be variability, but in reality, it implies that there shouldn’t be variability. Ah, the irony of borrowed words for other purposes.

So I couldn’t find time to finish what I thought I should finish. Which is something that I feel perennially. And to make myself feel a little bit better, I try to extend my workdays at either end by making myself do more personal things during the work days. That is, a looser work day. Yeah, that does make me a loser because I’m someone who not only knows that what I’m doing is unhealthy, hell I even teach people at work to not do such stuff.

So, here I am, the loser, at the end of the tight workday, trying to make things looser by working beyond my shift. Because I feel better when I do this. A trait of losers, evidently.

The point that I’m trying to make, however, is that I’m on the go. Since the time I frustratingly stopped refreshing my browser, trying in vain load my cloud work document, and started typing this, I must have traveled about 15 kilometers. North to South on the Mumbai Suburban rail network. Flew (figuratively) from around the airport to the north of the original island. From the ‘burb to the ‘bay.

My reverse-faucet for accessing the internet is my phone, and Airtel, which promises a bunch of stuff including unparalleled connectivity across the nation, failed at a very basic 2023 task. Connectivity to the internet. That’s basic even in 2003 I would argue.

So the question is—are we really in 2023? Or is 2023 different for different people. Is my 2023 not the 2023 that was allocated to the place that I find myself in? And how is that fair? How is anything fair?

Tangent: Why the hell is fair, a racist word at best, used for implying that things are non biased toward anyone?

Clean Creativity

I honestly don’t have an answer as to why I am still living in Mumbai. The dust/smoke pollution is now even making the rounds in property ads, where websites/apps are advertising themselves to be proficient in telling customers/clients who bad areas in the city are to live. Until you live in a dustbowl of a city like Mumbai—I don’t know if there is a dustier metropolis out there—you won’t know the joys of the evening of a day of dusting, swabbing, tidying, and new set of bed linen.

Yesterday was one such day, when I felt comfortable in being in my own apartment without drifting into thinking how I continue to live in the dusty mess. The surprising thing is that the feeling continued to sustain through today as well, despite the view out the window gently drifting to a sepia/smog shot from a post-apocalyptic show/movie (the post-nuclear fallout Fear The Walking Dead, for example).

Spent a bunch of time reading and sketching. My first day using graphite pencils (Darwent), and it was a different experience. I should have something more to say than different, but I guess it is such a new experience that I don’t really have anything else to say. I might need to get better stationery to use these pencils, because most of my sketching was done on a sketching pad meant for watercolors.

By evening, I wanted an evening out. I hadn’t stepped out for the whole weekend as well. So I decided to take the Metro to explore a new Keralite restaurant (Just Kerala Hotel, Andheri East). The food was exceptionally tasty, but it’s on the more expensive side for Mallu food. I even had a couple of beers.

I returned home to see that my color pencil set has also arrived. The clean (relative) home does make me feel like I should try them out tonight itself. But before I did, I had to write something, and that’s exactly what I am doing now.

Using Text-to-Voice for Reading Books

Since I started motorcycling regularly about two years ago, I have started listening to books more often. Listening to a book while motorcycling is one of the most exhilarating experiences I have had, especially when I’m away from the city and the traffic and conditions are predictable.

Unsurprisingly, Audible was my primary source for listening to books. I usually have a few audiobooks running at the same time, and, usually, they are different from the Kindle books I was reading. Well, because why would you want to buy the book twice, right?

Some months ago, when I was falling behind schedule in my book-club reads, I re-explored the Kindle text-to-voice feature. It was a wholesome mess when provided as an accessibility feature in older Kindles that came with speakers. Then Amazon started providing it as a bluetooth feature, which continues to be messy when you’re looking for an Audible-like experience.

But things are different on a Kindle Fire. Amazon, for whatever reason that they had, provides a wonderful within-app text-to-voice feature with automatic page turns and speed adjustments on the extremely “budget” tablet, which basically is a glorified regular Kindle that makes customers want to buy more things on Amazon.

I started regularly using the text-to-voice feature on the Kindle Fire to supplement my regular reading in some situations Like when I thought I needed more focus and/or when I’m commuting on public transport. This feature is not great when your hands are busy (e.g., motorcycling) because there is no “pause” or “rewind” feature. Basically, you are locked in and the only way you can go back is to go to another page and start over.

Anywho, I quickly realized that even though my actual reading speed was much higher than a comfortably fast text-to-voice (or even Audible) speed setting. This is because text-to-voice doesn’t really allow you to stop, it really does cover a lot of volume of text within the same timeframe of reading.

The only problem was that I had to carry the Kindle Fire along everywhere. That’s actually not as bad as the device itself, which is so slow and unreliable, especially regarding bluetooth pairing and syncing. How I wished that the Kindle app on faster devices (e.g., a modern smartphone or a better tablet) would have the same feature.

When I did my research, I found no convincing answer as to why this was not available in the Kindle app by default. One would imagine that if they could make it for Kindle Fire, they should also be able to make it for other Kindle apps, at least on the Android platform, right?

Then I stumbled on a potential reason. It seems like they have provided a similar feature on the Alexa app/feature, which I find is more intuitive than the Kindle Fire text-to-voice feature. Plus, it is there on all devices that can have the Alexa app. Plus, on Alexa/Echo devices!

This discovery was a few months back. And since then, my podcast listening has dropped as much as my text-to-voice listening/reading has picked up. Regardless of where I am and what device I have access to, I can listen to my Kindle book! Just ask an Echo device to play (it can even play in speaker groups!) or pull up the book on the Alexa app.

Now, there are some issues. The Alexa app feature is buggy and sometimes does not sync properly. Plus, if you really want to rewind, you can only do that at the chapter level. And occasionally, the chapters that precede the one that you were listening to don’t even appear.

Despite all this, I find this feature to be so useful to cover some ground on reading that I think I can easily finish about 6 to 8 books a month by listening/reading whenever I can!

I especially love the Echo option because it gives me a chapter or two while making coffee, doing the dishes, or doing my physical therapy routine. I generally use it for non-fiction and lighter fiction, where the narrative is pretty straightforward and expected. For more convoluted plots, it is easy to get lost when not being able to turn/flip the page and re-read/listen.

Caveats? Yeah, you may get distracted with other things and may have to rewind. When I’m on a book that I simply can’t miss any of, I supplement it with actual reading (or re-reading) of the book on a Kindle.

I recommend all bibliophiles to explore this feature and add this as a “skill” in their repertoire. In fact, I think it would work for non-bibliophiles too, especially those who want to read but can’t quite sit and get it done.

Go listen/read to some books, y’all!

Apple (lack of) Support

My MacBook Pro. An Intel 2019 one. Bought in 2020 (during the pandemic even) so I could have a machine where creating music would be a cakewalk.

It never is, really, but it didn’t need to be so difficult. Even if one added creating videos into the creative pile. My MacBook Pro with a Logitech cam has turned into a disastrous combo that seems to burn up and slow down every 15 minutes or so.

So I am going to have to get my laptop factory-reset. Such a shame. Macbook Pros—hell, all Apple products—are supposed to make people create wonderful things. All mine has given me, for the last several weeks, are tastefully decorated nightmares of how things could go wrong.

Apple Support has been terrible in their lack of effort to follow-up with me. In the one call that I had with them, I thought they meant what they said. There seemed to be genuine concern in the guy I was speaking to. He even said that he’ll call me back in an hour or so.

Of course he didn’t. Instead, I got an email stating that there were no slots available at the time I was supposed to get the call. But what about the three days after? Still no slots?

C’mon Apple, you are supposed to make people want to love you. :(

Busydom

It was a day after a holiday, but I felt as unrefreshed as one would feel on any other day. That’s me and holidays. A perfect disaster of a couple.

Over the last several months, I had wanted more days like this. Busy days. Where you really don’t think about what to do next because you are just jumping from one thing to the other.

Today I had one. Interesting stuff all around. Lots of leg room for creativity, but you still end up feeling not sure if what you did was of any worth.

The problem with me is that I feel like this at the end of most days regardless of the busydom. It’s just that I have fewer moments to stop and think about the worth of it all in a non-busy day.

Holidays are such days. They are meant to be non-busy, but they give me so much time to think about what the hell I’m supposed to do on any-day, regardless of the busydom status.

And guess what—tomorrow’s a Saturday and then a Sunday. I may have things to look forward to if I were to step out and maybe go for a walk or something. Or do something nice like watch a good movie.

But instead I’ll be spending most of my time on preparing to get busy in the next week. Because that means less time to feel bad, right?

Two flashbacks and the present

Today was good despite it being terrible. Good because I was able to accomplish things despite some situations being totally stacked against me.

I had my regular therapy this morning. It was interesting because of the parallels that I’m drawing to the twins Rahel and Estha in the book ”The God of Small Things” by Arundhati Roy. In a nutshell, that book has somehow captured a bunch of experiences (including traumatic ones) in my childhood, and by reading it, I have kinda relived them and also gained perspective on how things are like for kids in Kerala.

I also realized that the twins are kinda my friends now. Imaginary or not, they are likely to understand and feel the stuff that I went through. Roy’s writing has also inspired me to get back to trying to write my own stories. You know, that thing I keep on trying to make happen, but it hasn’t yet. More on that later.

Sometime later in the morning, I decided that I’m going to take it easy with my physical therapy exercise schedule. Like taking the leg day off, and in my case it is literally taking both the leg days off.

Must have been the beers last night. Oh yeah, I did walk (cough, cough) over to a watering hole last night. Met up with friends from a team that I’m no longer working in, but sure I’m working with.

Why the italics and coughing, you ask? Because I limp/hobble instead of walk.

Okay. But why? Rather, how? And what physical therapy? What’s going on?

Well, well, well. I guess it is time to lay it all out here.

Nine weeks ago

Did I tell you that I’m very much into motorcycling? If I hadn’t, I really should write about it. It’s been going on for a couple of years. Serious stuff. Bought a Honda CB350 two years ago. Bought all the safety gear. Started riding long and regular. More like a mental feat than a physical one. Meditative and awe-inspiring. More on that later.

One bike is not enough for two riders with distinctly different everything, including riding style, temperament, and preferences. The second rider is J, of course. Yeah, he’s also into motorcycling. Pretty much has always been, but has finally turned a corner in terms of doing motorcycling seriously.

This meant borrowing someone else’s bike. Thankfully, my friend and band mate is a sweetheart, and he has been lending his bike for the last two years. But this was tiring, primarily because I had to pick up the bike from his place, which is about 1.5 hours from my place (in Mumbai traffic) and that added about 4 hours of extra ride time on an otherwise 10- to 12-hour riding days.

The solution was simple. Get another bike. So we did. But it was a bit of a rush, and the monetary transactions didn’t go through on the night of the first long ride with J riding with all the newly-bought safety gear.

So the night before, I did my 3-h schlepp to get my friend’s bike. And so we did what we have been doing for a few months.

But this time it was J’s ride. And my friend’s bike isn’t as fast (or safe) as mine. And I ride slower and safer than J. And J rides my bike. I can’t fuck up J’s first big ride. So I ended up making a risky decision with my friend’s bike jamming its brakes on me.

But wait, I was wearing protective gear, right? So no scratches on me. The bike’s got a few, but minor. But then what happened?

So I buckled my knee in an effort to quickly get back on the bike. The incident did happen on a very poor part of the road to Mahabaleshwar (it’s a gorgeous hill station on the Western Graters, approximately 200 km southeast of Mumbai), and there were trucks around, with one kinda heading toward me. So I must have panicked.

Long story short (not really, right) I had multiple-ligament tear of my left knee. This was about two months ago, and I underwent arthroscopic repair two weeks after the incident. Done by my junior from my alma mater, but not at the alma mater, but at a private hospital. Because it would be easier for J to take care of me.

It was painful. Especially the first two days and then in the first two weeks, and so on. J took care of me. Even during the difficult times. I was difficult to be with, and it was difficult for me to be with others, but it worked out.

I was on crutches or hopping in the first 6 postoperative weeks. A week ago, I started using a walking stick. You know, one of those modern ones.

In the 7 days since, I have tried to find excuses to step out of the apartment and walk. The newly unveiled Metro 2A did give me motivation, and so did the walk to the bar to meet my friends and have a couple of beers.

Cut to present

So yeah, I took it easy. My excuse was that I had other problems to solve. Like my relatively expensive MacBook Pro throttling every time I do anything related to video capturing or rendering. I have been in touch with both Apple Support and Logitech Support (cuz the camera’s from Logitech), and despite them both being helpful (or trying to be so), my problem remained.

So I had to figure shit out myself. And I reckoned it was a good enough reason to take it easy.

Also, I had a bunch of walking/hobbling to do. I had an off on Republic Day and my surgeon (my friend) was free to meet, and I wanted to see if he thought I could expedite my recovery.

So instead of doing physical therapy, I watched art lessons on YouTube. Got inspired.

Wait, what? Art? Since when?

Six weeks ago

I was in pain and I couldn’t do the stuff that I used to. So I decided to revisit sketching and painting (watercolors). Revisiting because I used to sketch my lecturers at Medical College, apart from sketching cats.

I (re)started small, but since then, I have gone on to purchase some basic/serious sketching/painting material. I even have a fanny back with art supplies. You know, to pain rocks and stuff on the go.

So far, my primary subject is Blu. In fact, just before I started writing this, I was sketching yet another bust shot of her.

Just like the 1.7 billion people around the world right now, I’m learning almost exclusively by watching YouTube. It’s pretty cool, I’ll say. The video medium does help especially in this case as I watch time lapses of the experts doing art.

Cut to present

So on my way switching between three lines of trains (two Metro lines and a suburban/local), I sketched. On the way back too.

I felt good. Sort of taking pride in listening to art instructors say stuff like, “sketch every day”, “fill up your sketchbook”, “take a sketchbook with you wherever you go” and all that jazz.

But that’s not the only thing. My surgeon/friend concluded that I can indeed start going a bit more aggressive with my transition to full weight-bearing, i.e., without assistance. That’s just great.

In between all of this, I did manage to grab dinner at the Mallu restaurant where I used to grab lunches/dinner when I was at my alma mater, mentoring my surgeon/friend. That felt nice.

And then I come back home and go through a complicate list of steps to try and un-throttle the MacBook Pro. Didn’t/hasn’t worked out. So my only way out seems to be a factory reset. And if that doesn’t work, oh lord, I don’t even want to think that I might need to buy yet another machine!

So in between all of this, I thought I should listen to my instructors’ advice, but on something that I haven’t been spending time on—writing.

And that’s why I’m writing—and presumably you are reading—this.