I've been very busy. And I'm going to get even busier. It is only 20
days before I move out from home. This means that my blog won't be
updated regularly. In fact, there won't be postings for months. I'm
sad to finally resign to the harsh reality of life. But before I bid
goodbye, for sometime at least, I wish to inform you that I came out
to Dr. R. about a week back and as I hoped, he has accepted me as a
friend and a gay person. Isn't that awesome! Goodbye!
Short and sweet
Short and sweet
I've been very busy. And I'm going to get even busier. It is only 20
days before I move out from home. This means that my blog won't be
updated regularly. In fact, there won't be postings for months. I'm
sad to finally resign to the harsh reality of life. But before I bid
goodbye, for sometime at least, I wish to inform you that I came out
to Dr. R. about a week back and as I hoped, he has accepted me as a
friend and a gay person. Isn't that awesome! Goodbye!
A great day #2
Today, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I'm going to miss my home town, my friends and the hospital when I move to the metropolitan city.
Apart from a great day at the hospital, I spent the evening with Ray. We went to do some pre-purchase analysis of television sets for my parents. We also spent some time over mobile handset prospects for myself.
Then, we went to this new three-star Chinese restuarant which had opened earler this month. We loved the place. Great food! Fantastic waiting. Charming ambience. We ate Noodles and Tofu with chop sticks!
What a different experience!
A great day
The part of the day at the hospital (which by the way is the only part) was great. But even more wonderful was the conversation that I had with Ray in the night. We discussed about the most wonderful and the worst feelings that we've had in our lives. It was a revelation. I hadn't even thought about that once.
So here's are my best moments in life.
- A day during my 4th year at Medical School. It was a day I spent at the Orthopaedics ER. Those days, I had finally realized what it is to be a doctor who could help people feel better. That particular day, I had a great time with the residents who, unlike the residents in other specialties, treated me as someone among themselves. There was an elderly resident who had a certain mellow, soothening touch who talked to me so lovingly that he almost felt like a father to me. That night, or early morning to be precise, I was riding home on my scooter when I decided that Orthopaedics was going to be my specialty. That was my best moment ever!
- Then comes the couple of moments when I passed the exams for medical school and the Residency courses. Both were instances where I could show the world that I'm good at what I decide to pursue.
- Then comes the time I spent with Mr. Lion. From the first kiss to the sex we've had... everything was just a nice feeling.
- The first ever masturbation comes in next.
- The rest of the positions belong to memories almost limited to the time I spend at the hospital and the time I spend with friends. This is when I realize that almost none of my best ever moments have happened in relation to my family.
Now for the worst ever time in my life.
- This was easy. It was the time when my friend S.' Dad accused me and my family of destroying S.' career. He insulted me so much that I was totally shattered. It was on the eve of my final exams at medical school. It hurt so much because I trusted S.' Dad. I cried for a whole evening. I even contemplated suicide. Thanks to my sister and my friend Jerry, I'm here typing in this.
It was a strange coincidence that Ray's best ever feelings were similar to mine. His academic achievements reigned at the top before his time with Mr. Lion. The first ever masturbation came in third.
Confirmation
Yesterday, I obtained official permission to continue working at the hospital. That came as a huge relief. But that also means that I have responsibility to be the perfectionist I'm. I love being that at the hospital. But the perplexing thing is why am I not so damn bothered about perfection when at home. Or with my family for that matter.
In the thoroughly enjoyable conversations that I had, which are the most introspective conversations that I have probably ever had, this confusing problem often comes up. Why am I so different as a person at my home (in my family) as compared to everywhere else?
I'm almost the exact opposite. I'm a happy, pleasing, well-mannered, forgiving, understanding, polite, empathizing, sympathizing, emotional, friendly person everywhere else. I'm the exact opposite at home. Dr. R. believes that one of my personalities is fake and the other is the true one. He has made me think deeply on this.
Coming to think of it, I don't know which one's the real me. Although I'd so like to believe that the personality that I have at the hospital is the true one, it is hard to justify such a belief. That is because I was always like the rude, unfriendly nature in my childhood. I changed in and around my internship; the internship was my definitive moulding period.
Such interesting things that I discover about myself while talking to Dr. R. That is why I like him.
But the most heartening thing which happened today was when I finally put the nail on the coffin for my doubts as to whether I had a physical thing for Dr. R -- I went to his room to give my little gift for him. He was nude except for a 'lungi'/'dhoti'. I spent talking with him for about 40 minutes. Apart from one time when I was surprise to fixate my vision on his navel, I was not even bothered about his physical appearance.
Yeah, I'm happy. Truly. To hell with my man-fathoming nature!
Another day away from home
For the past few days, my time at home has been reserved mainly for sleeping in the night. The rest of the time, which also happens to be the time I enjoy most, I'm spending time with those I love being with. This can be Chuck, Ray, Dr. R. or just being at the hospital.
Today, Dr. R. was back from his home. I was very glad to see him back. I have a soothening feeling when he's around. I don't know why.
Another day helping others
Today I helped someone with another one of those PowerPoint presentations. The reason for that is still beyond me. The colleague that I helped is arrogant and probably doesn't deserve my help. Yet, I helped her. I spent over 6 hours with her work. And I have to spend another 2 hours in the night to finish it.
Otherwise, I'm very happy today that I'm back officially at the hospital. Besides, I'm confident about the fact that I like Dr. R. just as a friend.
I was very very happy to see him send me SMS messages which said that he told to his family about me and they were eager to see me. Even his SMSes are so warm.
Monday no-blues
Today morning, I went and submitted an application to continue the training for another month or so. Just that made me feel so back to normal. Then I went to the hospital to inform my mates about this. I felt so good seeing them.
Then, I dropped Dr. R. to the railway station. I had actually offered him a lift saying that I had to go to town when I really wasn't planning to. Even though I had a nice talk to him during the ride, I don't understand why I lied to him.
I guess I really want to talk to him and make him understand what my stand is. Why is it that he is so attractive? And why is he still not sexually appealing to me? Here are some startling facts.
The points in favor of a sexual possibility in our relationship
- I love men over 40 years. Dr. R. is 45.
- I like men with attitude, charm and sense of humor. Dr. R. has this all.
- I like men who understand who I'm. Dr. R. does exactly that.
- I love men who dress well and carry themselves around impressively. Dr. R. is such a great example for that.
- We both hold similar views on many issues.
And yet, I haven't even thought of undressing him in my eyes just one time. I don't masturbate thinking about him. I can swear.
Am I lying to myself?
Then I went and watched a stupid movie called 'Collateral'. I was sleepy and spent time fiddling with my mobile phone address book re-categorizing my friends list. Guess who are on my speed dials. Chuck, Ray, My sister, My parents and Dr. R.!
The conference and post-conference
Yeah, the conference did help me feel better. Especially because Chuck was there with me. I was happy with the fact that I was interacting with the faculty presenting the topics much more freely than I used to.
We came back at around 10 pm in the night. Yet, I went to the hospital and hung out with my unit at the ER. Dr. R. was there of course. And I wanted to double-confirm that I had no physical thing for him.
I managed to achieve that. That made me feel a lot better.
My unofficial suspension
Now, the news of the instruction to unofficially suspend me from the hospital by the HOD was well known in the department. Almost everyone seemed to object his cowardly attitude.
I realize that I will be missing the hospital very much if I didn't officially continue. But if I continue, I might not be able to spend a lot of time there as my preps to move out are getting nowhere. Add to it the problem at the Dr. R. front.
I am still undecided about what to do on either front. I just hope that a conference tomorrow will help me pull myself together.
Chuck almost rescued me before Ray did
Thankfully, Chuck came home in the afternoon. He had come to fetch some CDs that I had burned for him and was in a hurry to reach back home after a tiring day at the hospital. But I wanted to talk to him about my problem. Somehow I managed to make him listen to my problems.
I explained that even though I didn't have no physical/sexual feelings for Dr. R. I just had a regular friendship sort of affection. But I was worried that if Dr. R. somehow came to know about my orientation and my liking for older men, he would misunderstand my purposes of hanging out with him. I wouldn't even want to think of the such a possibility which might hurt him and me so badly.
I was surprised to know that he had noticed my 'closeness' to Dr. R. during previous weeks. Apparently, he had a suspicion that I was having a sexual liking for Dr. R.
I convinced him that I hadn't. But he still holds the opinion that a close friendship with a person who fits in your image of a lover/spouse might turn into a physical relationship or the craving for one.
We went out shopping. That really eased my blues a bit. But once I was back at home, the doubt was killing me.
I don't know why but I really wanted to tell Dr. R. about my true nature and I wanted to make him understand that even though I was gay and gerontophilic, I wasn't eyeing him in that fashion. I was so desperate to get in touch with him that I sent him an SMS saying that I was feeling very depressed. He returned the courtesy with a call. I talked with him about his afternoon. He had been reading the text books. After some time talking, he hung up.
I was so depressed after that I couldn't do anything in the evening. I had to talk to someone. I called Ray up and asked him if he was free to lend me an ear. He asked me to come over.
We talked for an hour or so. He cheered me up. I don't know how, but I feel okay now.
But the question still persists. I have to really think. Do I have some sort of a physical thing for Dr. R.?
I thought for about a couple of hours. I have finally decided that I didn't.
Damn
Today morning, I presented a topic before the unit. I was impressed with myself. And everyone appreciated my performance. Especially the compliments from my professor, a lecuturer and Dr. R. I was very excitable through out the day.
In the afternoon, I went and dropped Dr. R. at the hostel and he offered to buy me lunch there. I obliged. And then another wicked thing happened.
The guy who had started the rumors yesterday was there and he started saying more of such silly things about me and Dr. R. This was happening in front of a lot of guys who were eating. Amongst them were a couple of guys who knew that I was gay and that I liked older men. But thankfully, they weren't paying attention.
After a while, Dr. R. got very 'irritated'. At least apparently so. I felt bad. Really bad.
Later on, I went up and asked Dr. R. if he felt of hanging out with me because there were rumors circulating. He was so surprised that I was ashamed that I even asked the question.
Back at home, I felt bad about the situation. I'm feeling very down.
A movie with Ray
Now, I hadn't yet told the developments with Dr. R. and then the rumors to anyone. After the class, Ray called me and asked me out for a movie. I was so relieved that I was getting him to come with me. I could detail the whole thing to him and ask him his opinion.
On our way to the movie I did the narrating bit. Ray was convinced that I didn't have any physical angle in the relationship with Dr. R. He suggested that I have two different options to sort my problem out. One is to open up to Dr. R. about my sexual nature. The other one is to ignore that becuase I would be leaving to start my residency in just over a month's time.
Then we watched a movie. It was a hindi movie called 'Page 3'. A nice movie with a lot of sarcastic bites at the party culture and society in Mumbai. It even showed a normal gay character who had a great friendship with the lead character in it; a young female journalist who sincerely wants to do her job properly.
At the interval I was happy that the movie portrayed a 'good' gay character. But after the interval, the story took an unexpected turn when this gay guy has an affair with the lover of the protagonist. She loses faith in him, her formerly best friend.
After that scene, I realized that I was doing something of that sort to Mr. Lion and his family. Even more relevant was the fact that Dr. R. might misunderstand me if he found out the news from the wrong sources. I wouldn't want that. At no cost whatever!
What's with my life. Why is it turning upside down?
Another wicked wicked blow
During the afternoon, I was feeling rather down. So I thought I will hang out with Dr. R. and another couple of friends. Although we hung out, I was still bluesy. And then I went home.
Later on in the evening, we had a class at the hospital. There, something really bitchy wicked filthy happened.
A couple of fellow residents started spreading rumors that Dr. R. and I were in a sexual relationship. Even though they were trying to pull our legs, I felt really bad. They used the terms pedophilia and gerontophilia and even postulated that the reason Dr. R. had asked me to have my lower set of braces (dental) removed for a better 'fellatio' experience.
Chuck too was surprised about this turn of events. Now I fucken don't know what to do.
Unexpected turn of events
Today was our theatre day. I spent the whole morning with the two persons who I enjoy spending time with at the unit. My professor and my new best-friend Dr. R. It would have been a near perfect morning had this event not happened.
As we were about to get out of the OT, Dr. R. got a call from our Department head asking him to inform me that I shouldn't continue working at the hospital without getting authorised officially. I was shocked. I was well appreciated for my work in the whole department. I felt sad that I was receiving raw deal.
Then, the head of the department went and talked to my professor. He finally gave me a visit before he went home after the work. He suggested that I should renew the contract at least for a few days so that the dickless head of department, who feared that in the case of me doing something silly in my work, he would be held responsible for letting me work after my official course got over.
Dr. R. was there during this whole process. I could almost feel that he was the only person who was close to understanding my feelings.
Now I'm wondering what I should do.
A new best friend - Dr. R!
I can't believe this! I think I've found a new best-friend!
So yesterday was Resident's night. After the skit, the whole gang had gone to grab a drink... of fruit juice that is. Some went back home and some others decided to go back to the venue to watch a local concert band play live music.
I had to go home to put away my guitar and the gear. But I promised to join the gang at the venue after that. I went home and had my dinner watching 'Spongebob Squarepants' which is getting better by the day.
Then I got a call from Dr. R. asking me if I was coming. I was very happy that he was inviting me for company. I had enjoyed his company a lot in the last few weeks, especially at the movies. So I went to the venue. There, I found no one from the gang. Even Dr. R. was not there. I called him up and he said he was back in the hostel as he thought that the show had finished.
It was about 11 pm in the night and I went to Dr. R.'s room. It is, as I have already explained, so clean and inviting. I went in and started talking. We talked about a lot of stuff. Mostly me and my personality. I was feeling so comfortable opening myself out to him. He is such a great listener. He has a vibe with me. I could pick it up.
We talked for about 2 and a half hours without getting even slightly bored. And I finally said that I enjoyed his company a lot. He said that he too felt so. He added that maybe we two should have met a long time before. How true that sounded.
I had talked to him about most of my personal identity except the gay and the gerontophile part because I thought that was not relevant in our relationship, at least till now.
But I must confess that I feel so happy to have stumbled on to him and the kind of friendship that he offers. I almost feel like how I felt on the day I decided to take up Orthopaedics as a career.
So guys, meet my new best friend Dr. R.
A wonderful night
Today was the resident's night. We did the skit and it was grand success. Although I played guitars, it wasn't at all audible outside the stage. I was disappointed because I had put in a lot of effort to do my bit to help others out. But on the brighter side, my guitars distortion and the feedback which in itself was a 'distortion' didn't drown out the dialogues of the skit.
I'm happy. But I'm even more happy about something else. I've probably found another best friend today.
Is this significant?
Whatever be the reason for 'working my ass out for practically no reason at all', it is helping me get 'close' to my hot professor. He got my mobile number 2 days back. Well, not really for personal reasons. And today he called me up in the evening to entrust me with some job that he normally entrusts in people who he trusts.
Maybe this isn't significant. But I still feel good.
Dr. R. is so cool!
Today, after about 3 months since I and Dr. R. started our little acquaintance, I went and visited his room. And I was taken aback by its cleanliness, the overall tidiness, the style of the arrangment. There were so many darned things that were so right about the way he had kept things in his room.
Ooooh, I felt like a pig with my room in a bad shape. And I admited that I appreciated his sense of maintenance of a room. He is so cool!
He thanked me for visiting his room. He said that he was feeling very bored and lonely and my visit had cheered him up. I was happy that I had mad someone else happy and that someone else is so cool to thrill me to all of my senses.
A skit
Tomorrow's the resident association night for cultural activities. I so badly wanted to do a gig for the nite. But no one's interested. Instead, I put my hand up to help my fellow residents to put together a filthy-joke-rich skit. It is a satire about the male resident female house-officer relationships in the hospital.
Now, Chuck's on the lead role. He is so awesome with this bit. He can act very well and deliver dialogues with so much of charm.
What am I doing here? I'm playing guitars on the background. I hope it will work out well.
I crave for recognition
Yet again, I defy myself. I can't believe that I spent about 10 hours straight on the computer to prepare a presentation in the hospital. I had to stay awake till an astonishing 5 AM, sleep for under 2 hours and reach the hospital in time. All this despite the fact that I'm not really supposed to be presenting. Forget that, I'm not even officially working in the hospital right now.
Then why do I really work so hard, almost to unimaginably unnecessary levels? What is it that I look for? Recognition? I guess yes. I think I like to be appreciated. Therefore, I would like to be as well prepared as I can.
Even though that seems to be the probably explanation, there is still a faint possibility of the fact that I really believe in doing my work properly. I do hope that someday I realize that all this silly 'impressing others' stuff for charging my ego levels was not really for that purpose.
Helping is so fulfilling
Last week, I had a chance to help someone who I think is not intelligent enough to be helped. Even though what I said just before is oxymoronish, I would still think that helping someone who is dumb is very much unrewarding, at least when you are doing the process.
But, when the certain dumb colleague of mine finally presented the topic that I helped her to prepare, it was a feeling of goodness. Everyone, including the professor who chaired appreciated the tremendous improvement in her. I'm sure glad that I helped her progress. Such a feeling is something that I really stoop to perilously low levels for.
Check this out
Today evening, when I was taling with my sister over the mobile phone, something unexpected happened. My sister was walking home from the bus stop and a teenage boy came and planted a kiss on her lips. And she screamed and stopped talking. I was so scared for the 10 seconds or so thinking that she had been hit by a vehicle or something.
Then she started shrieking into the mobile explaining what had happened. It took me a while to understand what exactly had happened. When I finally understood, I felt that my sister was acting silly.
She was quite obviously upset. But I was upset over the fact that she is not as 'cool' about such a thing as I'm. But then, I'm gay and very very unorthodox and liberal. Why do I expect everyone who I admire to be like that.
After a minute after she hung up, I sent her an SMS asking her to cheer up. I even urged her to take the incident as a compliment.
About 10 minutes later, I started calling Chuck and Ray and asked what I should do about this. They asked me to chill.
Now, what is wrong with me?
Mp3 cataloguing sucks
This past weeks, I've been 'trying' to catalogue and burn a lot of mp3 CDs that I got from my friends. I had expected myself to find a good enough software to do this. But, the one which I thought was good turns out to be not good enough. Therefore, I don't feel like doing my work. It takes so much time, I run out of patience and I hate it.
... Alexander
Yesterday, I was very sleepy. That is the reason why I didn't finish up on my review with Alexander.
I was talking about the negative points in the movie. The similarity between Colin Farrell and Scott Stapp was a big one in there. Stapp is the sort of cry-baby, god-fearing, bull-shitting guy who you don't usually associate with Alternative Rock music. I love his voice and the way he sings (forgive me Vedder fans). But he still stinks in the general attitude towards life.
- Alexander has Colin Farrell in its lead.
- Colin Farrell looks like Scott Stapp.
- Stapp, in general, sucks.
- Farrell, therefore, sucks too.
- Ergo, Alexander, which has Colin Farrell in its lead, sucks.
I did a lot of this in school - Assertion and Reasoning. And as you can see, I was pretty good at this.
Alexander :(
I was disappointed with the movie. I had high hopes when I planned to watch the movie with Ray and a fellow resident from my hospital Dr. R. I had gone with him for Black. It is something in the way he carries himself around that makes me like him a lot. And I do believe that it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is much older than any of the fellow residents. He is almost 45 years old.
The movie was boring except for Anthony Hopkins and the occasional hot silverdaddy on the screen. The Battle scenes were taken well. Especially the Indian battle sceene. The elephant Vs. horse battle is just an awesome shot. And the eagle-eye-view of the battle Vs. the Persian army was memorable.
But that was about it. Nothing more. Not even a good trailer in between.
Moreover, I thought that Colin Farell looked like Scott Stapp from erstwhile Creed. If you don't believe me, here is the fact.
Scott Stapp
Colin Farrell
I love it
I don't know what's the charm with with the current set of residents that I work with at the hospital. But it is a lot more inviting than the present lot. It must be the fact that I can discuss with them a lot of things which I couldn't otherwise do. Or it might be that I've become more interested in Orthopaedics. I thought that can never happen. Now, I don't even feel like coming back home to music/computers.
That is strange. But I'm liking it. I'm liking the way things are shaping up.
I'm from Earth
I went to a blog and I stumbled across something which appeared to be really silly - an online questionnaire to determine your hypothetical planet of origin. I thought I will try it out. Halfway through the questionnaire, I had a feeling that I was doing something very moronic. The result confirmed it. See it for yourself.
You Are From Neptune |
 You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything. |
Facts first - it got me wrong. I can't be from any place other than earth. Secondly, I won't feel all alone in a room with friendly people. Never. I get so carried away with ideas. I don't have natural psychic ability. I am not spiritual.
Seriously, you can't hope to make so many mistakes if you really want to make others believe in something so stupid as an alternate planet of origin.
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