Abdominal fat

I have been rambling about my physical appearance in the past few days. I am being very self-conscious about the fat content in my body and its distribution, about what kind of postures that I adopt during daily routines etc. As a matter of fact, I just repositioned myself in my un-ergonomically designed chair as soon as I typed in the word 'posture' in the last line. I'll probably do the same every time I read this post.

In the last 2 years, during my preps for the entrance exams, I gained a few pounds of abdominal fat. It is very obvious; at least to me. I have a couple of ugly love handles and I have started energetically on the sculpturing of a 'tummy', which for some unfortunate reasons, is a genetic trait having high chance of inheritance in my family. Of course, if I decide to employ almost all of the muscle fasiculi in the anterior abdominal wall, I can get away with these now.

Curiously enough, and to my dismay, my gene pool lacks those lovely alleles for a muscular physique. Up to about 2 years back, my mid-arm-circumference could easily pass as that of a kid of 10 years. I have put on some upper body muscle since then, but I'm still very thin. The disparity in the upper body mass and tummy-mass further ruins my image.

I do some exercises at home. I have a couple of dumb-bells and do some crunches. And of course, I jog as regularly as I can. But still this abdominal pad only seems to increase. Today morning, when I was waiting for Chuck to turn up for jogging, I accidentally ran my hands along my side and had the ugly sensation of palpating your own 'love handles', tense with lardaceous fat!

I badly want to go to a gym and get in shape. I want to reduce my waist line so that I can slip in my size 30 pants with ease. Right now, only some of these fit me properly. But the problem with a gym is the timing problem and the cost. The cost is actually not prohibitive. But, I'm not earning anything these days. So I have a mental block. Finding enough time should be hard when I start working (voluntarily, meaning without pay) at the hospital at the start of next month.

I don't know if I have a body image problem. Maybe I'm being just plain health conscious. Or maybe it is because I want to evergreen-attractive in the gay sense. When I say such stuff to my straight-friends, they seem to laugh me off. Of course, most of them are more out of shape that I am. That doesn't mean that I can compare with them and feel happy about myself.

Whatever it is, I need to find a solution soon. Maybe I should stop eating like a pig, which I often do. Or maybe I and Ray should pitch in and get a few more weights and make a personal gym. Ray seems to be the only other person in my life who want to keep him trim and in shape. It is funny to note that Ray is also the only gay/bi person of my age that I know in real life.