The Bucket List

Whatever that I do in my life makes me remember the times that I and Vinokur were together. Nostalgia should be warm and wonderful. But for me, it's painful. Mainly because of the unknown future ahead. I also think that I didn't raise myself upto the need of the situation and cracked under the pressure of taking care of Monsieur. I got myself all stressed out and that reflected on the way that I behaved with him. You know, when you walk down a street all alone wondering when you will be together with your soul-partner for life when he's not doing all that great at the other end of the world, it's not great to feel that not too long ago, you refused to take a walk with him when he pleaded to.

Yes that happened quite a lot of time. In most circumstances like that, I would say in my defense that I was tired and sleepless and all I ever wanted was to sleep. Is it right for someone to reject such an offer in any kind of situation? All these months, I've been longing for a walk outside with him by my side. I'm sure he must have been too. And then finally, when it came to the actual execution, due to the aforementioned situation, I didn't do it. Should I punish myself for that? I'm not too sure. I don't know how I should react to that.

It saddens me to walk across the mall that we went for shopping, the movie theatre that we went to etc. Why should love be so hard? Why is it that I and my love are separated only because of the fact that we can't afford to live together? Anyway, all these questions linger in my mind almost throughout the day. This makes me a desolate person even when upbeat. I long for privacy. I long for isolation. I wish I could be there with him by his side when he's going through this. I wish someone would offer me a tape-recorder with which I could 'pause' my life in India and fly over to NYC. Alas, I don't have the fucking money. I don't even have a VISA! Fuck it!

Anyway, today early in the morning, I decided to go to my hospital and finish off some of the certificate work that I had to finish. I didn't even bother to check if it was a holiday. It was actually. Ambedkar Jayanti! I made it very early travelling differently. I travelled in a bus to my hospital. Once I realized that I couldn't do anything, I decided to go watch the movie that I have been wanting to watch all this month. The movie 'Bucket List' starred two of my heart-throbs - Morgan FreeMan and Jack Nicholson. I didn't know the story line or the motif. It was supposed to be a great movie.



The movie itself was so serendipitiously entwined to my life as every movie seems to be these days. Both the protagonists donned by the aforementioned actors were elderly ailing cancer patients who were facing the end to their lives. They meet in the hospital and decide to complete a few activities which they always wanted to do in life. The so called 'bucket list' of activities were supposed to be completed before they kicked the bucket. Apart from startling similarities to Vinokur, both of them reminded me of him. Jack Nicholson's physique, skin and sense of humor. Freeman's intelligence and wisdom.

I gave the movie a 3.5 stars out of 5 for the wonderful screenplay it had. It gave a lot of importance to feelings of the heart, especially love. That really moved me. I was just wishing if Vinokur could have a share of the wealth of the Jack Nicholson character in the movie so that we could live together.

My Bucket List

• To Live with Vinokur until I die. Period.