Jesus, this is pain. I am on my first GB party in about 6 months. I'm there alone and loud music is blaring through the speakers. Twinks and queens are dancing away to glory. Friends who came with friends are busy talking between themselves. There is a lone television set which is giving me company. It's showing the highlights from yesterdays World Cup matches. There are barstools placed just in front of the television set and people come and plop on them without a care about people watching the match.
I have a small whiskey in my hands and I'm taking my sweet little time to finish it because everything else is so boring. After I finish the drink, I decide I have had enough and get out of the venue out to the street hoping that there would be someone like me who has gotten tired of what's happening inside. There is no one.
Then I see the main coordinator of these parties walk in. He asks me how I'm feeling. I said I'm bored to death and am planning to leave. He suggests that I head off to the lounge were there is place to sit and there is no loud music. Apparently it's up the stairs. I walk up to enter this weird looking room with an 8-feet roof. Couches are splattered near the walls. I curl up in one hoping that at least internet will save me.
No, I was wrong. This place doesn't even have a signal. All I can do is to order for another drink and type in a blog post. So if an interesting person doesn't show up by the time I finish my drink, I'm so out of this place heading home to watch the England vs. USA match!
This brings me to the question - why doesn't Mumbai have a decent gay bar? A place where people can meet up and talk. Not dance. Conversation and drinks. Like the old-fashioned gay hangouts that you see in movies? I have proposed my friend and restauranter this idea. He's thinking about. Hope something comes out of it.
By the way I'm coming back home from this nightmare called the GB party!
Weekend disaster
Last weekend was a disaster. It was a double-day weekend, which occurs every fortnight and I was looking forward to enjoying it doing stuff that I'd normally withdraw myself from. Like going out on movie dates and other dates etc.
The weekend started out with a mood swing triggered my a flood of memories from the past when I visited CST after a long time. That was on Friday evening. I had reached Not Just Jazz By The Bay much earlier than my bandmates from Cirkles - we had a gig there, of course - and I had decided to take a stroll up to CST and see if I could pick up a book or two from my favorite pirated-book vendor. On the way, I passed Sterling and New Empire, which used to be my regular hangout destinations during my residency at the hospital.
To just relive the Sterling experience, I even picked up a Sub from the Subway there. I went to the book vendor and checked out the new books that he had. Not one aroused my interest. Besides, the guilt of not having read a book for a long time played its part. I was disappointed with myself when I walked back to Marine Drive having asked Babloo (the vendor) to get me a copy of Satanic Verses, something that I have been longing to read.
The disappointment prevailed until the gig started. Music triggered happiness and joy as always - especially while doing a rendition of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' to a packed house at Jazz. It was our (Cirkles') 2nd anniversary bash. I came back home with hope of living a dream weekend that started with a friggin' early movie date with a good friend and fellow blogger. Then came the real disaster.
I woke up late and stood my friend up. He was mad at me and I was angry at myself. My apologies seemed to anger him even further and that hurt. And that triggered my bad mood for the rest of the weekend. I cancelled out three other dates - out of which two were potential 'getting laid' dates.
I didn't go to the gym for both Saturday and Sunday. I skipped meals, stuck to the apartment, and brooded in misery. I said no to all sorts of possible help. That's how crazy I am when I'm depressive. The only way out was to get to work and start interacting with people who care about me. I waited for that and that happened. By Monday evening, I was almost back to normal!
My friends say that I should prevent myself from being alone during these long weekends. Maybe they have a point!
The weekend started out with a mood swing triggered my a flood of memories from the past when I visited CST after a long time. That was on Friday evening. I had reached Not Just Jazz By The Bay much earlier than my bandmates from Cirkles - we had a gig there, of course - and I had decided to take a stroll up to CST and see if I could pick up a book or two from my favorite pirated-book vendor. On the way, I passed Sterling and New Empire, which used to be my regular hangout destinations during my residency at the hospital.
To just relive the Sterling experience, I even picked up a Sub from the Subway there. I went to the book vendor and checked out the new books that he had. Not one aroused my interest. Besides, the guilt of not having read a book for a long time played its part. I was disappointed with myself when I walked back to Marine Drive having asked Babloo (the vendor) to get me a copy of Satanic Verses, something that I have been longing to read.
The disappointment prevailed until the gig started. Music triggered happiness and joy as always - especially while doing a rendition of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' to a packed house at Jazz. It was our (Cirkles') 2nd anniversary bash. I came back home with hope of living a dream weekend that started with a friggin' early movie date with a good friend and fellow blogger. Then came the real disaster.
I woke up late and stood my friend up. He was mad at me and I was angry at myself. My apologies seemed to anger him even further and that hurt. And that triggered my bad mood for the rest of the weekend. I cancelled out three other dates - out of which two were potential 'getting laid' dates.
I didn't go to the gym for both Saturday and Sunday. I skipped meals, stuck to the apartment, and brooded in misery. I said no to all sorts of possible help. That's how crazy I am when I'm depressive. The only way out was to get to work and start interacting with people who care about me. I waited for that and that happened. By Monday evening, I was almost back to normal!
My friends say that I should prevent myself from being alone during these long weekends. Maybe they have a point!
How to cope with and avoid online rejection
I recently had a weird experience with a guy. We had initially met a couple of years or so back - of course, online. He was from the same professional background as mine and things looked promising. After exchanging a few e-mails, within a few days a few days of 'meeting each other', we expressed desire to meet each other. He lived in a city which is relatively close to Mumbai.
We had planned that he would give me a visit first. That didn't happen quite as planned and we eventually stopped communicating with each other. One of the reasons why he stopped was because I was in an open relationship with Vinokur then, whereas he wanted a monogamous relationship.
A couple or so months back, he sent me an e-mail to which I responded. We again started communicating with each other rather intensely. This time, however, I made plans to visit him. We took our relationship to the next level by starting phone conversations. Things went smoothly and I booked train tickets to visit and spend a weekend with him.
Everything was going well and to make sure that we 'knew' each other well, I decided to have a web cam chat conversation with him. It was the first time that we were seeing each other live on camera. I thought it went well - at least I 'liked' him. But the experience was certainly not pleasant for him, as it turned out.
After a day of strange incommunicado vis-a-vis my SMSes and phone calls, I got a message which said - 'Kris, I'm sorry but I don't think that we are physically compatible. Please refund your tickets.' It obviously came as a shock to me. I replied thanking him for being honest. But still, I felt bad for being rejected for my appearance. I started wondering if my abundant facial hair had destroyed a blooming relationship. Believe me folks, that's how you start thinking when your self-esteem is low.
To cope with it, my friend gave me this advice - maybe it's that he found me too good looking for him and couldn't quite take the enormity of the package that I had presented. That's a nice and pleasant way to look at it. Yes, it does help me think that way. It also helps to remember how many people love you for what you are and what you look like.
But there is another message in this. Relationships are always initiated on the basis of physical attraction and compatibility. This step is circumnavigated in the online dating process. When you are getting intimate with anyone online, make sure that you do that after confirming your physical attraction/compatibility toward the other (and vice versa) by exchanging pictures/indulging in voice chat. Don't forget this step before you decide to meet up!
We had planned that he would give me a visit first. That didn't happen quite as planned and we eventually stopped communicating with each other. One of the reasons why he stopped was because I was in an open relationship with Vinokur then, whereas he wanted a monogamous relationship.
A couple or so months back, he sent me an e-mail to which I responded. We again started communicating with each other rather intensely. This time, however, I made plans to visit him. We took our relationship to the next level by starting phone conversations. Things went smoothly and I booked train tickets to visit and spend a weekend with him.
Everything was going well and to make sure that we 'knew' each other well, I decided to have a web cam chat conversation with him. It was the first time that we were seeing each other live on camera. I thought it went well - at least I 'liked' him. But the experience was certainly not pleasant for him, as it turned out.
After a day of strange incommunicado vis-a-vis my SMSes and phone calls, I got a message which said - 'Kris, I'm sorry but I don't think that we are physically compatible. Please refund your tickets.' It obviously came as a shock to me. I replied thanking him for being honest. But still, I felt bad for being rejected for my appearance. I started wondering if my abundant facial hair had destroyed a blooming relationship. Believe me folks, that's how you start thinking when your self-esteem is low.
To cope with it, my friend gave me this advice - maybe it's that he found me too good looking for him and couldn't quite take the enormity of the package that I had presented. That's a nice and pleasant way to look at it. Yes, it does help me think that way. It also helps to remember how many people love you for what you are and what you look like.
But there is another message in this. Relationships are always initiated on the basis of physical attraction and compatibility. This step is circumnavigated in the online dating process. When you are getting intimate with anyone online, make sure that you do that after confirming your physical attraction/compatibility toward the other (and vice versa) by exchanging pictures/indulging in voice chat. Don't forget this step before you decide to meet up!
I strive for happiness - over 50
Two years or so back, I had blogged about gerontophobia. I received some interesting responses to that post. I guess it was my way to announce to the world my feelings about being attracted to older men.
Now, I have found the reason why I'm attracted to older men - because they are happy - or lets say "happier" than people younger! A recently concluded study at the Stony Brook University says that happiness begins at the age of 50. You can read more about the study here. Here is the TOI Op-Ed page article which supports the claim.
So, I'm well on my way to finding happiness! What about you?
Intercontinental drift
When I woke up
There were messages waiting for me
When I sipped up
There were adulations waiting for me
When I looked up
There was a handsome face staring at me
When I dressed up
There were sartorial suggestions waiting for me
When I wait up
There were messages waiting to be read
When I climbed up
There were words waiting to be heard
When I dialed up
There was a loving voice waiting to be heard
When I gave up
There was a tender voice waiting to be heard
When I hooked up
There were words of wisdom for me
When I hung up
There was a soul who was dialng for me
When I rung up
There was a soul waiting for me
When I lived up
There was a soul waiting for me
When he hooked up
There was nothing from my end
When he fucked up
There was nothing from my end
When he was sucked up
There was nothing from my end
When we hung up
There was nothing from my end
There were messages waiting for me
When I sipped up
There were adulations waiting for me
When I looked up
There was a handsome face staring at me
When I dressed up
There were sartorial suggestions waiting for me
When I wait up
There were messages waiting to be read
When I climbed up
There were words waiting to be heard
When I dialed up
There was a loving voice waiting to be heard
When I gave up
There was a tender voice waiting to be heard
When I hooked up
There were words of wisdom for me
When I hung up
There was a soul who was dialng for me
When I rung up
There was a soul waiting for me
When I lived up
There was a soul waiting for me
When he hooked up
There was nothing from my end
When he fucked up
There was nothing from my end
When he was sucked up
There was nothing from my end
When we hung up
There was nothing from my end
Engayging Lives - on Times of India
I just got an SMS from a fellow blogger saying that I was on Times of India's page number 6. Well, there is my photo, and a little description of the movie titled on my blog - "Engayging Lives" made by students from the Sophia's college. You can read the whole story here. I'm attaching a snapshot of the article below.
Life-plague
I have just realized that my life is a miserable wreck driven by a person who has turned himself into something that he would have never let himself be. I just turn down one thing after the other and have cultivated this habit to procrastinate things that don't involve others. I don't why I do it and I can't find someone to blame it on other than me.
I am writing this after wasting a perfectly good Saturday doing nothing. It was meant to be a weekend to be spent with M at Alibaug. That got canned after sometime last week, I said that I am cancelling the weekend plan. At that point a I was going through a painful life event - breaking up with Vinokur - and I had lost my fucking mind.
Yesterday evening, I had a chance to spend the night with M. I pulled out of it at the last moment citing sleepiness and tiredness as an excuse. I was actually kinda disappointed that my apparently glorious weekend was turning into a nightmare. Then, today morning I got up late enough to cancel an outing with M downtown.
Afer that, I was in a state of mind to pull out of meeting with him tonight as well. I withheld sending the cancellation message and spent the entire day sulking - sleeping in that stuffy, ill-ventilated, hot thing called my apartment, which is infested now with stingy red ants. I had enough time to clean up my apartment - something that I used to love doing - but didn't do that.
This tendency of procrastination and saying no almost like a knee-jerk is plaguing my life. I don't know what has changed, but whatever it may be, it's making me stop being what I used to be. I need healing time. I need some time when my life flows, when everything doesn't have to be this demanding. If I don't get that soon, I'm going to be officially mad!
I am writing this after wasting a perfectly good Saturday doing nothing. It was meant to be a weekend to be spent with M at Alibaug. That got canned after sometime last week, I said that I am cancelling the weekend plan. At that point a I was going through a painful life event - breaking up with Vinokur - and I had lost my fucking mind.
Yesterday evening, I had a chance to spend the night with M. I pulled out of it at the last moment citing sleepiness and tiredness as an excuse. I was actually kinda disappointed that my apparently glorious weekend was turning into a nightmare. Then, today morning I got up late enough to cancel an outing with M downtown.
Afer that, I was in a state of mind to pull out of meeting with him tonight as well. I withheld sending the cancellation message and spent the entire day sulking - sleeping in that stuffy, ill-ventilated, hot thing called my apartment, which is infested now with stingy red ants. I had enough time to clean up my apartment - something that I used to love doing - but didn't do that.
This tendency of procrastination and saying no almost like a knee-jerk is plaguing my life. I don't know what has changed, but whatever it may be, it's making me stop being what I used to be. I need healing time. I need some time when my life flows, when everything doesn't have to be this demanding. If I don't get that soon, I'm going to be officially mad!
Tainted freedom
You and me, were meant to be free
For this plea, a gigantic fee
Lay by me, and hear a story free
Here are we, we've let us be
And now, we have done something that is truly incredible
And how, we have slain something that is truly incredible
Come on and share with me this feeling of freedom
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
Come on and share with me this feeling of sadness
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
You and me, we've set us free
For this dream, a gigantic fee
Lay by me, in my dreams
Here we are, we'll always be
And now, we have done something truly incredible
And now, we have slain something truly incredible
Come on and share with me this feeling of freedom
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
Come on and share with me this feeling of sadness
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
For this plea, a gigantic fee
Lay by me, and hear a story free
Here are we, we've let us be
And now, we have done something that is truly incredible
And how, we have slain something that is truly incredible
Come on and share with me this feeling of freedom
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
Come on and share with me this feeling of sadness
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
You and me, we've set us free
For this dream, a gigantic fee
Lay by me, in my dreams
Here we are, we'll always be
And now, we have done something truly incredible
And now, we have slain something truly incredible
Come on and share with me this feeling of freedom
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
Come on and share with me this feeling of sadness
Come on and play with me, for our healing and friendship
Hard work
Relationships are hard work. But does anyone know a way by which someone can measure how much work has been done? Is it the amount of time spent, is it the amount of money invested, is it the sacrifices that you made, is it the pain that you endured to make it last however long it lasted?
The funny thing, however is that, how much ever hard work you've done, you are just a mind swing away from seeing everything collapse. Yes, the best relationships are that fragile. Admit it. Be honest to yourself. And be kind to yourself when such a thing happens to you.
Possibilities are that, if you are a person who loves to loathe, you will be convicting yourself of committing the sin which led to the collapse. If you have low self esteem, you will definitely feel that you weren't good enough for that relationship. If you are a person who believes in establishing your righteousness in having brought the downfall, you will end up creating a fantastic fictional piece out of what happened, totally forgetting that the real reasons could be something else altogether.
I'm all this bundled into one. I do all this and wallow in my misery. But somewhere, somehow I was supported by friends who convinced me that I'm not bad or wrong, that I should be strong and positive, that I should take broken pieces and fit it all together in another manner so as to create another jigsaw puzzle, that they are simply amazed by the resilience and hard work that had been needed to uphold what just fell apart.
I'm thankful to all of them. They make the hard work of what's lost seem worthy. Trust me, this is so important, so very important!
The funny thing, however is that, how much ever hard work you've done, you are just a mind swing away from seeing everything collapse. Yes, the best relationships are that fragile. Admit it. Be honest to yourself. And be kind to yourself when such a thing happens to you.
Possibilities are that, if you are a person who loves to loathe, you will be convicting yourself of committing the sin which led to the collapse. If you have low self esteem, you will definitely feel that you weren't good enough for that relationship. If you are a person who believes in establishing your righteousness in having brought the downfall, you will end up creating a fantastic fictional piece out of what happened, totally forgetting that the real reasons could be something else altogether.
I'm all this bundled into one. I do all this and wallow in my misery. But somewhere, somehow I was supported by friends who convinced me that I'm not bad or wrong, that I should be strong and positive, that I should take broken pieces and fit it all together in another manner so as to create another jigsaw puzzle, that they are simply amazed by the resilience and hard work that had been needed to uphold what just fell apart.
I'm thankful to all of them. They make the hard work of what's lost seem worthy. Trust me, this is so important, so very important!
It was our fault, not yours or mine
It's not really your fault
If you let my life grind to halt
It's not really your fault
You are in amor's gestalt
It's not really my fault
That I didn't see the fault (line)
It's not really my fault
I was an optimist, by default
It's not really your fault
And you deserve what you got
It's not really your fault
But I didn't deserve what I got
It's not really my fault
That I hoped that it'll last (forever)
It's not really my fault
That i hoped this will pass
It's really our fault
That we let it happen so fast
It's really our fault
That there was no pact
If you let my life grind to halt
It's not really your fault
You are in amor's gestalt
It's not really my fault
That I didn't see the fault (line)
It's not really my fault
I was an optimist, by default
It's not really your fault
And you deserve what you got
It's not really your fault
But I didn't deserve what I got
It's not really my fault
That I hoped that it'll last (forever)
It's not really my fault
That i hoped this will pass
It's really our fault
That we let it happen so fast
It's really our fault
That there was no pact
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