To-Not-Do list #1 - Life at 30

Things you shouldn't be doing when you are 30

- wondering if you should treat yourself to regular meals
- deciding against, after thinking for a second, considering that you don't deserve it.
- taking home 'extra' (read leftover) food from your colleagues
- saving that up in your refrigerator for days taking little portions out when you want to give yourself a treat
- the same refrigerator doesn't work well and provides a snug environment for arthropodes to proliferate
- saying no to snacks offered at work because you don't want to start wanting it when you are alone
- to avoid meeting people at restaurants and cafes because you will be forced to eat expensive food
- to space out your meals just right to avoid prolonged periods of hunger

If you find yourself doing similar stuff, then you are a poor loser.

I'll follow up with more to-not-do lists.

The biggest fuck-up ever

Someone told me a few months back - 'kris, you should not put out sensitive, self-damaging things on your blog.' I followed that advice. The result - i'm more fucked than ever and I don't write honestly on the blog anymore. I think I should just go back to the way I was - whining, bitching, and being an attention whore. At least I feel better that way.

So, here's my first attempt at redemption - confession.

I have fucked my life up. I'm fucked up and I honeslty feel like a fucking fool. I don't have any confidence left in me and I am a wreck. Every fucking day of my life is the biggest pain. My life if full of things to avoid. I don't want to meet people and be happy because I get hurt by others' happiness and joy because I can't have something similar. Yes, I'm jealous. And I'm losing hair. And I am drowning in debt.

That's me. I'm sorry people but I'm the biggest fuck-up ever!

Another phase of deep dark depression

I have been lurking in the cold shade of clinical depression in for the last month one month so. During this period, I considered various form of social suicide. I almost was on the verge of deleting this blog and all my various social identities on the internet. I have pulled through somehow.

However, I'm still in a phase of rapid cycling between severe and mild depression. Things that appear trivial to someone else will push me into a down-spiral within minutes, and to avoid such occurrences, I have been carefully avoiding all forms of social contact.

I apologize to whomever who has been reading this blog. I'm sorry. :(

The Prayer Inside This Song

Vinokur wrote this poem way back in 1968 when he was in Mexico. It's about getting stone drunk (or other states in which you have practically lost your self control and conscience) and could have done something potentially disastrous. This is a kind of an apologetic plea.

The reason why I am posting it on my blog is because this is the first poem/lyric that I have worked on - to put melody/arrangement/record etc. - in about a year's time. Besides, I think I'm working on mothering our first child - the first among a few brown/white children that would beat the living hell out of the Brangelina progeny.

I think we need a name for such kids - how about Vinokris children?

The Prayer Inside This Song (Vinokur/Bass)

Please, friend, please -
I think I did no wrong.
But if I did, forgive me -
That's the prayer inside this song.

I'm trying to remember
Just what went down before.
Yesterday was madness
And this morning's bringing more.

Someone, tell me please,
What did I do or say,
That - in this phase of after-craze,
Makes worries for today?

Who was that I talked to?
What was that I said?
It seems some kind of miracle
That I'm alive, not dead.

They say I talk to much -
They say I've lost control -
But, if I can't be honest,
I'd rather fill a hole.

If I can't talk my mind, friend,
Why should I talk at all?
And if the truth is what they mean
By having "lost control",

Well - if I can't be honest, friend,
I'd rather fill a hole.
If I can't be honest,
I'd rather fill a hole.

Please, friend, please -
I think I did no wrong.
But if I did, forgive me -
That's the prayer inside this song.

The prayer inside this song....
The prayer inside this song....
Is - if I did, forgive me, friend....
That's the prayer inside this song.

Good or Bad

It's been so long since I heard from you
Are you there, alive and well?
Or are you playing with me and my mind
Maybe you are doing something that's holding you back

Does it help to know that I care for you?
That I'm here, waiting in hell
That I'm just hoping that you'll be kind
Maybe I did do something that made you show your back

It's so hard to tell
it's painful enough already
You know very well
At least I think you do
If you weren't lying

There's another side to this, you know
That I like being alone, in pain
Just knowing that I'm meant to be hurt
That I'm doing something that's pleasure in pain

My life was etched that way, in the past
To be ridiculed and laughed at
Just because I was what I am, my bad
That forced me to feel it was good to be bad

It's so hard to tell
If I'm really good or bad
I wish you would have known by now
That I'm a bastard, and I need you(r) bad

The End

My life has been transcribed by Eddie Vedder in the latest Pearl Jam album.

The End (Eddie Vedder)

What were all those dreams we shared
Those many years ago?
What were all those plans we made
Now left beside the road?
Behind us in the road

More than friends I always pledged
Cause friends they come and go
People change as does everything
I wanted to grow old
Just want to grow old

Slide on next to me
I’m just a human being
I will take the blame
Bust just the same
This is not me
You see
Believe
I’m better than this

Don’t leave me so cold
Or buried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
And know I’m worth your love
Enough
I don’t think
There’s such a thing

It’s my fault, Now I been caught
A sickness in my bones
How it pains to leave you here
With the kids on your own
Just don’t let me go

Help me see myself
Cause I can no longer tell
Looking out from the inside of
The bottom of a well
I yell
It’s hell
But no one hears

Before I disappear
Whisper in my ear
Give me something to echo
In my unknown futures ear

My dear
The End
Comes near
I’m here
But not much longer

Pearl Jam - Just Breathe (Backspacer)

Yesterday, for a brief period of a couple of hours - I got out of my blues enough to download the new albums by my favorite bands. Listening to Backspacer now. Beautiful. "Just Breathe" has almost brought me down to tears.


Just Breathe (Eddie Vedder)

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..

Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.

Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

The Right to Not be Polite on the Phone

I have had a history of being rude on the phone. I know that I have been - according to social standards. But don't I have the right to be pissed about somebody intruding your privacy forcing you to react and comment to questions and thoughts?

Think of it this way. You are tired, have just slipped out of your clothes, and are trying to sleep. Would you want to be disturbed - even when its your mother/lover/child is calling you? Wouldn't you want this person to understand and fuck off?

The privacy that you have is the time when you let your conscious social mind sleep. Where you can sleep naked throwing away all the societal clothes that you are forced to wear. How would you like it if you were woken up every now and then? Now, imagine the person who's doing it. Let this be someone that you really don't care shit about. Hold on, it's not because that person is lowly - just that we fucking don't have the time.

Don't we have the right to sleep - the right to be alone, not needing to speak with someone and react righteously? If yes, why am I labelled as being rude? Why don't people let me sleep? I don't want to dress up for a person that I don't really have the time to care about. And its fair.

27 to 30

27 to 30 - about the phase of life between 27 years and 30 years, when I'm 27 days to becoming 30 years old.

27 to 30

Stop, rewind. Slow it down.
Play. Pause. There, do you see?
What? I can't believe it.
Is that me, are you sure?

Hope, happiness, and a life ahead
Pride, loneliness, not a fear of what's ahead

Unpause. Play. Slow it down.
Hey. Pause. There, do you see?
Where am I? What's happened to me?
Why do I look sad and lost?

Fear, pain, and truckload of demons
Scars, sadness, and life to forget.

Play. Fast forward. Don't stop. Ever. Off.

Lessons of life

Life's really your first and only school, and it is quite an average public school - albeit, with with audio-visual lessons. You really can't graduate out of it. There is no structure, a vast majority of the tests are unexpected, and the peer pressure is tremendous because of the 6.5 billion competition. And honestly, there is hardly anyone who understands the syllabus well enough to guide you when you repeatedly flunk a test.

There are good parts too. The lack of structure means that you are never really late for anything. Text books aren't really defined - you can pick up any random topic anytime - and there our minds double up as note books, thus eliminating those weighty backpacks. Furthermore, you can't really cram for tests, and the preparation (and a few of the elective tests themselves) can sometimes be well thought out and planned. The possibilities for study groups and their members is enormous.

The irony, however, is that these good parts shows on the screens of only who masticate, swallow, and digest the bad parts. For them, life can be the most wonderful amalgamation comprising parts of romantic comedies, sit-coms, tragedies, drama, action-thrillers, avant garde films,documentaries etc. You might need to choose your popcorn flavor and find a nice cozy mental recliner couch to view from. Yes, life's playing at your own personal screens and you need to find ways to enjoy it.

I think I'm one of these lucky ones who have an alimentary system analogous to the cow-folk. Yes I have frequent regurgitation and I belch a lot. Just one wish though - I wish my screen played a little bit more of happier parts. Rom-com parts too. Who has the remote?

Weed out your garden

Everyone's life is in the process of being lost due to a lack of direction, motivation, and a tendency to stagnate. You may say that I'm a cynic, but I'm not the only one. If you indulge in some sort of art, like I do (music), the onus is on you to prevent this from happening. Keeping company with an intelligent group of people you selectively retain after careful weeding helps in your life.

I find it increasingly suffocating to be hanging around with people having musical egos, who don't have a structured approach to dealing with music, and those who don't have a musical goal or are failing in any attempts (mostly none) to reach it. For example, I would much rather be alone in a busy train listening to inspiring music by geniuses (like Alanis Morissette, in my life right now) than stay in a cab full of feigned, pointless conversation about how good/bad a gig/band was.

You might also say that I'm a bitch, but I'm probably one of the few with balls enough to realize, accept and execute this ideal. This, I believe, is universal - to avoid bad people/things in your life. But just keep this in mind: 'bad' is relative and there is every chance that I'm 'bad' for your life. So avoid me, if you must - for your life is your garden, after all, and it's better to start picking and weeding it in springtime.