My problem was obvious

Today morning, something bad happened which preceded something good.

After a sleepless night at the emergency, I was so dazed and out of sorts. One of my seniors who has a lot of faith in me and my abilities noticed this. He sort of started making fun of me. And while conversing with him I did something even more gross. This totally pissed him off and he gave me a firing.

I was so disppointed. With myself and the system where I was working in. A little later, I had some one on time with this senior when he asked me straight on my face

'Kris, don't you enjoy doing surgeries?'

I poured out to him about my problem. He was almost shocked to find out that I was not enjoying what I was doing. But then he was supportive. He asked me to try and add vigour and try and enjoy whatever work that I was doing in the hospital.

But the one thing I wanted to make him understand, which I also want to clearly state on this is that I do enjoy my work. But it needs to be in a system that is not as devious as it is. And I enjoy music much better.

I told him all that. Now he wants me to try harder to get the 'thing' for surgeries. But I know that it is going to be difficult. Very difficult. Almost like faking.

I felt very relieved after opening out.

Lost my brace

I'm the kind of person who rarely loses things. But because of this chaotic life of the junior resident that I'm leading right now, I'm losing too many. Today, I lost my brace for the second time.

Now, for those who haven't used temporary retainer braces, let me tell you that it is very pesky to wear them and live. You have to take them out before every meal, every snack even. And you have to do that in some privacy. Double the trouble if you are one of the hypersalivating kind like me. You will have drools of saliva when you take them out and you have no other option but to shove them into your pant/shirt pocket.

I don't know where I lost this. I tried to recall the various times in the last day or so where I had to remove it. I searched through the whole of my baggage, clothes and room. But no luck.

My dentist has alerady forwarned me that she's not going make another one if I lose this second one. Now I'll have to come up with some excuse as to how I lost it. The excuse which I'm going to use is that someone stamped it on the train.

Fired again

Today morning, I got fired in the morning because of no fault of mine. The patients and relatives screwed up the instructions that I had given them for the official Grand 'mockery' of a round where everything is faked, stained sheets are covered, bad X-rays are removed, patients in pain are mobilized etc. I got an incredible dose of firing for that.

With the backdrop of a feeling that I'm having, I really felt bad. I was very down. Immedicately I wanted to talk. I talked to Ray and my sister. I don't know if I made them realize what I was feeling. But anyway, they now know that I'm having a professional crisis right now.

Among other bad things, Zen Micro is officially screwd. I need to get it serviced from I don't know where. My brace, the retaining brace got lost for the second time. And yesterday, when I badly wanted to sleep, one of my seniors dragged me out for a movie. 'Dark Water' was not good. I'd give it 4 out of 10.

When I was talking to Ray, he said he liked it and he gave it 7 out of 10. We in generaly have not differed in movie ratings ever. This is interesting.

I hope I have not scared them. I still know that I'm going to have to continue with my surgical side till I have some sort of financial backup. But still, the fire for learning is not there.

Among other things

Other random things...

• I'm moving to another room soon. I hope I don't have the bed bug problem there. That will ease my pain a little bit.
  
• I got permission for I rock next weekend. I hope it is going to give me the break which I want.
  

With Xander

With so much time on a Saturday (we had an off day cuz the OTs were shut as the sirs weren't there), I was ruing the fact that I rock wasn't there. But I thought I could go and jam with Xander. With high hopes, I went.

What transpired is not what I wanted.

Xander was drinking; getting drunk would be better. He was high and I thought was more interested in watching TV. I decided to talk to him first and see if I can get him around.

We talked about Mosh Mania and how I liked it. But the conversation was not going smooth. I talked about Zen Micro. He didn't sound very concerned. Then he handed me over my guitar. The Sammic electric that I had bought last years end. As soon as I took it up, I was disappointed with the fact that the strings were rusted. When I checked it out further, the screws and the Allen Keys for the Floyd Rose setup were all rusted.

Still, I thought I would go on. He wanted me to play 'Cochise' so that he could sing. I wasn't liking the feel of the guitar. After some time and a couple of other songs when I got pissed with the guitar's condition, I gave him the guitar and took up my bass.

When I connected it to the amp, I noticed that part of the cable (the custom made cable which I had gotten done from my home place which was the only one without any problem whatsover) was chewed by rats.

What would anybody feel at this point? I finally started talking maintenance of the flat and guitars. He wasn't paying attention. Then we carried on. I was not feeling good about it. Plus there was lots of noise because of the faulty cables.

Finally, I decided that I have had enough of jamming. I put away my bass and sunk on the bean bag. Xander, by that time, was drunk and was not in his senses for sure. He then kept the guitar upside down, and put weight. One of the strings broke.

I was so pissed. I decided to lay down. And I dozed off.

That was enough to set him off. He got so pissed with me sleeping that, he started accusing me of selfishness and a genuine lack of interest in the band. We started argiuing. I tried to justify myself. He didn't like it. He went on saying that he was also busy and was tired cuz of work. Finally, he started saying that this was not going to work out.

I was a little apprehensive about this. But then, I know he was drunk. After some time, as he was coming out of it, we decided to go out to eat.

By the time we got out, he was almost normal and he officially admitted that he was drunk. By that time, I was almost like hurt. But then, we had a long hard talk about our future. I confided him about the kind of feeling I get working at the hospital. He was not at all surprised. That was a surprise to me. In fact, he said that he thought that I would feel so from day 1 itself.

In the end, everything was okay. But I still would like him to clean up the place and guitars. And to get everything sorted out for practice. Right now, I'm unable to do anything. But when we have more time, I want everything to be perfect. But will I be able to do it?

Crisis

In the last few posts, I have been pointing out that my decision to take up Surgery as a career is under a big question mark. Well, I'll have to detail further.

I took up medicine because I liked Zoology and I wanted to prove my mother wrong. I thought I had not done myself good until 4 years into Med School. From then on, I knew that my decision was right. In fact, med school made me what I'm. And I'm glad for that.

Then, came Xander and the idea of a band. When he first proposed it; meaning making a band and going ahead with the idea of professional musicianship, I thought it was far-fetched. It still might be. But I was rather apprehensive about deciding for it. But the temptation was unopposable. I decided it over. We decided it over actually.

The decision was to make ourselves up fit for survival in this bad world by doing something as a career. When we have something to fall back on (support as in financial), we will go ahead with the band plan.

Xander went into Computer graphics and animation. Jin (our drummer), who I don't write about, went for an MBA. And I took Orthopaedic Surgery. Out of them, I was the least interested (at the start) for a band. But things are changing.

Now I feel like I want to do music. Why? Because I don't 'feel' anything special in my routine work in the wards. Why do I feel like I don't 'feel special'. Because, everyone around me (fellow residents) feel something cool after they have done a surgery, put a cast etc. I feel special when I hear a good song, or play something good on the guitar or even better, write and record something good.

So this is swelling up baby! I have to talk to my friends about it. I still remember that even Mr. Lion asked me to just concentrate on Surgery during my 3 years. Will I be able to do that? Actually, a better question would be. Do I want to do that?

The answers are coming up in the future dudes. Keep fingers crossed.

Worser...

Yeah, it had to come. The deathblow. The double deathblow. My Zen Micro is officially screwed. It is not charging properly. It is unresponsive after a the second screen on boot up. I have checked through the internet. Apparently, the hard disk in it is prone to damages. I must have damaged the hard disk.

What's the second? I Rock is postponed to next weekend. I have so much of free time and full permission this weekend and it had to happen. Come on, give me a break! Now, I'm not even assured that I'll be able to visit the festival of Indian Rock even once.

Sleeping over in the ward

Yesterday, I was so tired that I slept off at a table in a Ward (while donig my work). I dozed off at 12.30 AM and came around at 7 AM. I didn't do all of my work which I was supposed to do.

The rest is eventuality. I got fired and scolded. I was helplessly sleepy at that time. But no one understands.

21 hours of work X 4 consecutive days

Life is going out of control for me. Ever since I'm allotted the extra share of work, I'm struggling to finish things off in time. I know it and I realize that I'm slow. Sometimes I'm pathetically slow. When I try to do things faster, I lose things. I fumble around, misplacing practically everything. I spend time to find them.

It is by nature that I'm very sensitive to patients. But when they and their relatives make advantage of it, I feel bad. That is why things get out of hand.

If you think I'm not making sense, then it is because that I'm frustrated with myself now. I have had to work for 21 hours for 4 consecutive days. I know and realize that it is tough. But I think I'm making things tougher for myself.

Ever since I saw Dr. P, the anaesthesiologist and his free life, I've beeen questioning my decision to take up Bone setting as my specialty. I would have loved to have some nice time to read newspapers, listen to music, read some books etc. I know that the decision I took, at the point of time that I took it, was rational. But is it now?

Nowadays, I feel almost daily that I shouldn't have taken this up. I don't think that I'm going to quit all of a sudden. But the feeling is not getting subdued.

Lady luck's back?

This weekend's I Rock XX and I think I'm going to get full permission to attend and live it. My professor and the lecturer are going out to a conference somewhere and they will not be there throughout the whole weekend.

This means that we are totally relaxed. I'm so happy things are looking up. I'm going to call Xander and see if things are all ready.

Shit!

Oh my! I think my life is going into an anticlimax. I was so into Zen Micro when this had to happen! I dropped it once. It fell to the gloor and bounced once. Although it was in its casing and I made sure that it played for a few seconds after that, I've not been able to turn it on since. Now, I don't have an mp3 player to listen to.

I hope I can sort it out quickly. Meanwhile, I'm missing my Zen Micro :(

Sleep

Two days in the last two weeks, I overslept. Twice, I was lucky not get screwed up. I don't know what to do. I hope I can make some sort of adjustment in the routine or else I'm going to get fucked soon.

More Zen Micro

I'm getting more of Zen Micro these days as I'm taking it to the wards most of the time. It feels so good to listen to great music and work. Along with that I'm listening to some of my riffs and progressions that I recorded last year. I felt that two or three are excellent. Now, I want to make more!

Going home finally

Over the last week, I confirmed my leave status. That is in the second week of October. I can get about 8 days leave. I have already made plans and I've arranged for tickets. I'll be flying to my sister's first and from there we two will make it home. Then I'll be flying back.

I'm looking forward to meeting my friends Chuck, Ray and Dr. R and of course, Mr. Lion!

Great food

There is this restaurant in Koliwadi (near Sion I suppose) where we went last weekend and had Tandoori Chicken and other food with beer. I loved it. In fact, I loved having beer. Signs of deterioration?

Invitation for I-rock

Xander is back. He's okay. Had a nice time binge-drinking with his friends at Pune. I hope he's not reading all this.

More importantly, he has invited me over for I-rock over the next weekend. I hope I can make it.

Diet modification

Over the past week, I've totally cut of eggs and non-veg food from my diet. It feels okay. Although I feel that the food is not as tasty as before, I can manage it. I feel cleaner inside. And the feeling that I've started some sort of strategy against a mini-pot-belly that I'm developing is good.

Frustrated...

There is this anaesthesia resident PK who's also basically from the same 'Gaun' (village in Hindi) where I come from. He's very interesting. An intelligent sort of a guy with a sense of humour, atttitude and who's interested in music.

We happened to meet a few times over the last two weeks. We did some chatting and he made me realize the fact that taking up Anaesthesia instead of Orthopaedics would have been a better choice for me. I would get more free time to practice and more time to have fun.

Orthopaedics has always been my first choice. But a close second was Anaesthesia. With all the stupid, meaningless shitty work that I have to do as an orthopaedic resident in the hospital and with the fact that my alter-career, ergo music, is getting very less attention, I think my decision might have been wrong. But lets re-analyse it five years down the line.

More work

Now that I'm officially almost completed my fourth month as a resident, I (and my fellow resident) have been promoted to second posters. That actually means that the work gets doubled. Confused? Well, whatever work that our just-seniors shared with us would be done totally by us.

Well, I don't know. I am with crossed fingers. I hope I can pull it off.

On TV

whoa... some of my fellow residents saw me on tv when i went to the
mosh mania. i was on star news and channel v

Independence day

The Mosh Mania thing was awfully close to the Independence day. The Independence day is relevant in this context because that is the time when the biggest concert of the year happens annually in Mumbai. The deluge prevented it from happening so this time around. But it got postponed to the 28th of August. I hope I can make it.

On the Independence day this year, I had a lot of free time. I was thinking of jamming something with Xander. But when I went to the apartment with a lot of hope, he wasn't there. Instead, I met P (who is supposed to be the might-be-third-member of the band. Spent some time talking to him. Watched an aweseom Video - the webcast of Live 8 with Pink Floyd's set.

That's about it. I don't feel anything about the Independence thing. No patriotism. Nothing extra. Just normal day.

Mosh Mania!

Wow! What an experience. To start off I didn't even know if I would get to go watch Mosh Mania; touted as one of the biggest desi rock concerts this year. Finally I got permission. But, Alex wasn't traceable. That was a disappointment in itself. But I decided to make it anyway because I wanted to badly be part of the rock-revolution that seems to be happening in Mumbai.

I reached the venue on time and was sort of awestruck to the amazing regularity of clothese with which the crowd chose to wear for the event. Almost every one was wearing a Black T-shirt with names like Metallica, Slayer, Panteral, Slipknot, Zero, Pin Drop Violence, Sceptre written. I was very relieved to get my ticket without problems.

I was disappointed initially because the event started out more than an hour late. But I heard two of the bands practicing and I was immediately impressed by the professionalism, especially in the drum department.

Finally, they let us in. I should put it more correctly as 'we forced our way in'. I hurried to get to the front and I was able to stand right on the front row just next to the barricade. I must have got lucky. I was able to watch all the equipment and all the particulars with regard to playing.

Now for the actual reviews - short, crispy ones.

• Helga's fun castle - Band with the best future I suppose. They sounded good even with on-stage problems and aren't afraid to experiment. I loved the funk song.
  
• Sceptre - Good stage presence. Very tight. But very very lame way of having covers and covers and more covers. They aren't looking for melody I guess.
  
• Them Clones - Their covers were well chosen and well performed. But their originals lacked punch. And they dared to cover Rage and especially Tom Morello. Hell, you can't even come close to Tom.
  
• Pin Drop Violence - Awesome stage-act. But like Xander had warned me, too much of non-melody thrash metal. I liked the attitude of the band and especially the leftie guitarist.
  
• Zero - had the best sounding set and looked like the band which had established themselves. I was amazed to see HFC's vocalist being the drummer of Zero. PSP 12" was amazing!
  
• Pentagram - sounded like shit. Did shit. Don't worth writing about.
  

I loved the experience. Bought 4 CDs and listened to them in the night itself.

Why? After all this, I'm pretty sure that me and Alex can match these bands in songwriting at least.

Unlucky

I had a busy day on Tuesday. About an hour of sleep. Throughout Wednesday till about 1 AM (on Thursday) I spent time doing work. Then, one of my seniors called me up to tell me that I should be up by 6 AM to do some patient shifting work for a clincal class. I said okay.

At 6 AM today, I got up woke my senior up by ringing him and then I went to brush my teeth. Because of the fact that our hostel is notorious for robbery, I kept my mobile in between two pillows and went. Then I dressed up quickly and left for the wards without remembering to take my mobile back.

I do my work and wait for my senior to arrive any time. At 7.15 AM another senior turns up and informs me that the class is postponed. Then I realize that there would have been messages on my mobile informing about the cancellation. They were surely there.

Then came the busy day the first part of which was mostly screwed up thanks to patients who turn up without relatives. Then I was denied of operating a case which I was so wanting to do.

The day turns brighter in the evening. I finish my work early. But then another extra work entrusted by another senior comes in the way of early sleep. While I'm doing that, another senior asks me to prepare a presentation by tomorrow morning. That is why I'm typing this at 2 AM on Friday. I won't get more than 4 hours of sleep today as well.

But the only positive aspect of this misadventure is that I got to pass through the corridor where the guy who hit on me lies to sleep. When I went past him, he had a smile on his face. That was at 1 AM in the night!

Shoebugs?

This would sound disgusting. Yesterday night, I was able to isolate and destroy 22 bedbugs from my pair of Nike shoes which I was wearing. Creepy, it sure is! I've decided to rename these creature as 'shoebugs'. When I went back home with a bottle of ether, I was greeted by about 30 more of them in two separate bags that I carry around. Thankfull my bed was not involved in the latest attack.

Another snap

I'm looking killer in this!

In retrospect

Two days after I refused to oblige to the guy at the hospital, I’m reflecting on the decision. Did I lose out on some action that I’m so in need of? I hope I didn’t miss out on something huge. Today as well, I ran into him. I really thought he had lost interest in me. But finally he came up and asked me something in general. So, at least he’s keeping his mind open just in case I give in.

Oscar for acting for me

Yesterday, I did something incredible. I acted like a computer moron in front of my professor. I guess I had alread detailed elswehere about the fact that my boss is known to screw residents. So, yesterday I was asked to make a powerpoint presentation for my boss for a big time conference in the city.

As per instruction, I acted like a nincompoop! Lots of spelling errors, tardiness on the keyboard, total lack of logic etc. At one point my boss taught me how to put bullets. Another of the senior lecturers introduced me to 'Ctrl + C' and 'Ctrl + V'. Can you believe it?

Now, I know that I can act!

Hitting on inside the hospital

On one of the drowsier nights about a month back, I was walking up the stairs to go to a ward when I saw this middle aged man, not too attractive sitting legs wide apart with his package well highlighted. It looked sumptuous to say the least. Partly because of the increased libido associated with hyposomnia (refer earlier post). Dont' get your imagination worked up; he was dressed. He instantly picked me starting at his crotch and he kept staring back at me.

This went on for about 15 seconds after which I decided that others might notice this. Then I went distintcly aware of the fact that he knows that I would like to have some sex with him.

Cut to the previous weeks. I ran into him many a time and we exchanged these nervous sort of glances. I could swear that I detect some positivity in him. But then I thought, as usualy, I'm dreaming.

Cut to yesterday evening. I was going back to the ward fresh after a shower. I was wearing a black T-shirt and jeans etc. I ran into him in a relatively deserted corridor and he said

• 'Doctor, can I have a minute with you? Can we move to the side?'
  
• I say 'Yes.' We move to the side of the corridor
  
• He does not make too much eye contact with me and sort of stutters before saying 'I have this problem with urination. I have itching and burning feeling on the penis when I pass urine. Doctor, could you please examine me?'
  
• Surprisingly, I start out with our regular questionnaire 'Do you have fever, abdominal pain, rashes... etc.'
  
• After five minutes, with another person overhearing our conversation, I decided to pull out of the deal and I refer him to a surgeon/urologist.
  

Now, most of you including a half of me would say that I missed a wonderful opportunity to have some action. But in defense, I would like to say that he was just okay, middle-aged, from a relatively backward socio-economic background and most importantly, he was from the hospital.

But, what a thing to happen!

Indisposed

I still remember the day in school when I first ran into this word; 'Indisposed'. The lesson was a story about a guy who hated the modern inventions like phones, cars etc. Somewhere in the story, he was supposed to address a meeting. But he didn't want to do it. As an explanation, he wrote to them saying that he's indisposed.

Now, why I wrote all this is unknown. Anyway, I wrote it.

It has relevance for today cuz me and Xander both had episodes of fever. I got myself quickly on medications. So mine is controlled. I should have gone and met Xander. But I couldn't because of the work in the hospital. He messaged me in the night saying that he's alright. I'm feeling okay about the fact that I was not able to help him out in need.

My snap

I got a chance to take my photo and I grabbed it. Considering that this blog has the potential to destroy my career (my secrets are all out there here), I've decided to do some editing before posting it. Hope you don't mind.

Obsessions

I have subclinical OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). The latest fad
is Parker fountain pens. I know perfectly well that it is highly
difficult to manage these pesky little devices which are great to
write with given the fact that I have a horrid mismanaged hospital to
work in. But still, I had to have it.

I bought an expensive one and lost in in a week's time. Now I have
another, cheaper one. Haha, can't resist it.