Lament

I’m depressed. Chuck is not talking to me. I want to apologize to him in person. But he doesn’t seem to have the time. He appears to be pleasant with everyone else except me. I think that he hates me now.

Maybe I’m envious of his former best-friend; someone who was in his gang of friends from childhood. Chuck hangs out with this guy who I will call ‘Appey’. Appey is working in the UK and has taken leave to attend Chuck’s wedding.

He goes with Chuck for shopping, for running errands, hanging out etc. Chuck seems to have time for all that. But when I ask him if he has time to talk with me, he says no. I feel bad. I feel bad about the fact that I’m being a trouble for someone who I really want to impress instead.

Chuck, who entertains everyone eternally, is like a brick wall to me over the phone. What did I do wrong? More importantly, how to set it back to right.

I’m sure I’m about to over-exert myself to insane levels and in that process feel further bad.

Losing a camera

I’m a big bitch. A big clumsy pig-head. I try to help too much. And in that process I dig a huge enough hole to sink my head in and rot in peace. That is how things get screwed up in my life.

I was supposedly trying to build an archive of photographs in our department at the hospital. Whom for? For the benefit of humanity perhaps. For that I needed Chuck’s digital camera. Well, he trusted me with it.

Today morning, I wanted to make sure that all of the photos in my archive are excellent; a few of them were a little blurry. I took the camera from home. I carried it to the OT and kept in my bag in the dressing room. I forgot to take it with to the tables. And I assisted the last case.

That is all what is needed. Someone stole the camera. When I finally found it out, I tried to be super-cool; searched all the places methodically. Even acted like I didn’t care a bit.

But it is lost. ‘Stolen’ is the better word. But because I didn’t take the maximum precautions, ‘lost’ is what is most appropriate for the situation. Some worthless individual who might even be a medical student, has stolen the camera and made me suffer.

This is three days before his wedding. I am screwed.

I call up Chuck and break this news. I think I do such things without much of emotion. He is shocked. I fear the worst in our relationship is yet to come.

Professor + Dr. S.!

Another usual day at the hospital. I have another wedding to attend; this time my friend’s sister is getting married. I’m not close to this friend even. Why should I bother? You will understand why?

After the grand rounds, during which I’m constantly eyeing my professor, he asks if anyone is accompanying him to a wedding. No one volunteers. Suddenly, I work out the possibilities. I ask him




’Where is the wedding?’




’At the X Club Hall!’




‘What a coincidence, I’m too invited for the same wedding. I’ll come with you.’ Needless to say, everyone is surprised including me and my professor. I explain to everyone that my friend’s sister is getting married. My friend’s mother is the classmate of my professor.

So, we two walk towards the parking lot where hop on to Prof’s car and ride into the city. I have a couple of huge barrels of hope in my chest. First thing I notice is that he has the local FM station on. Now that is what you call hot! I have not seen anyone, and I mean anyone, doing what I consider a must for car travel.

I start a conversation on that. I learn that he loves listening to music through radio. I explain that I’m a radiophile myself. We talk about satellite radio and I learn that he is interested in buying a receiver himself. Doubly hot!

We talk about a lot of things. I carefully highlight his plus points. He is happy. I’m happy that he’s happy. I learn that he is very diplomatic. Very intelligent. Very hot.

Then the conversation stumbles on to my family. I explain that my father is a musician (classical eastern) and an semi-pro astrologer. He is very interested in Astrology; for his daughter’s wedding or so. He asks me if he can consult my father. I say YES! YES! YES! OF COURSE! YES! Okay, that was a bit exaggerative. I actually said ‘Yes, it is fine.’

When we reach the place, I’m awfully impressed with him and I have new hopes of him visiting my place. But there is a big problem. How can I hang out with him without feeling out of place.

We enter the hall and someone greets my professor. I don’t actually see his face but hear an authoritative, commanding, charming voice which turns to me and says




’Do you attend all marriages in the city?’

It was Dr. S! I couldn’t believe my luck when I realized that my professor was a batchmate of Dr. S. Prof was confused as to how we, me and Dr. S., were so familiar with each other. We explained it out. Then we involved in a conversation in which Prof held high opinion about my work ethic and general personality. I and Dr. S. kept pulling each others legs and I must confess that I felt that Prof was a little shaken at the way our conversation was progressing.

Later, I explained to my Prof how I and Dr. S. have gotten this ‘close’. I don’t leave the fact that Dr. S. always insults me in a myriad of ways.

In the process of waiting for the lunch feast, Professor introduces me to many other eminent members of the medical fraternity in the city. A few other hot men are there. But none were hotter than the two I was familiar with.

During this I noticed a flaw in my professor’s general setup. He kept to himself while Dr. S. was spraying charm all over. I guess my Prof was an introvert in the past and now is trying to shake up that attitude.

Just before the lunch, another bombshell was dropped. Dr. S. and his wife were planning to visit my mother after this. (I don’t know if I wrote about the fact that my mother was in a state of mild Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after her chain was snatched while she was enjoying an evening stroll). I was impressed with Dr. S. I felt proud of having a friend whose parents were so kind as to pay a visit to my mother. This is a first time experience for me. Never before did I have such a friend and parents set.

We three had a good lunch. I tried a lot of untried zones in the hitting on process on my professor utilizing my freedom with Dr. S. My professor carefully avoided comments. Something tells me that he is very intelligent.

I tried to pry further during the ride back. The closest I got to was to get my professor to agree to visit my home to consult with my father on astrology. He might have dropped in right then had Dr. S. and wife been not there. Anyway, now that it leaves a thread open, I’m happy.

What a day!

Dr. S works his charm

Today, I went to attend my friend’s wedding reception. She’s not at all close to me. Yet, I went because I thought I could meet some of my batchmates. I met my friend and namesake (the one who I go with to the zoo, indulge in discussions about tigers, jaguar, leopards etc.) and was talking with him by the side of the stage on which the couple were standing.

I felt someone poking at my thigh. Ignoring it at first, I continued talking with my friend. The poking didn’t stop. I turned back and guess who I saw? Dr. S.! My friend’s dad who has this authoritative persona and who continually stimulates me erotically with insults! Contradictory, oxymoronic even. I know. But it is true.

He and his wife were invited too for the wedding. I spent a precious 10 minutes with him. Enough to stimulate me for a day.

Then I met some other friends of mine. I was euphoric by that time. We were waiting for an opportunity to greet the couple in between a hundred others. I saw my friend (and bride) waving at me and walked forwards beckoning the rest of my gang with me. As I walked in front of the cameras, one of the camera men shouted this at me (this is the translated verision of course)




‘Hey little boy, move aside. Can’t you see the others waiting?’

It must have been the stereotyped dark trousers + light shirt which I was wearing. Maybe my thin frame. Evidence also points to the fact that I’m de-mustachioed.

But the truth is that insults like this are a common reality in my life. I take this in my stride. In fact, I converted it into a joke on myself and made everyone else in my group laugh.

Totally dumbfounded? Blame it on Dr. S. and his charm. May he live long!

Plans for the coming few weeks

It is about a week after which I will officially discontinue working at the hospital. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do in the 10 odd weeks before I leave to join my course in April end. I guess I’ll give my songwriting instincts one more full blooded go. Along with that I should read a few good books as well. Maybe I’ll keep on attending the academic sessions at the hospital and read some theory along with it. In between this, I have to plan transporting my guitar gear. Don’t forget shopping for the rest of my gear – an mp3 player, a mobile phone and a digital camera.

Advances with my chief

I guess I’m gaining ground on my chief. Or else how could anyone explained why something like this?

Our team (or unit as we refer to here) was planning to go somewhere for a tour to enjoy a day. It was meant to be a bonding experience; something that should smoothen the working environment. You bet I was looking forward to it. I would get ample try out my ‘charm’ on my chief.

When the finally drew up the plan, which was on a day that I had taken off from work, my chief suggested that I should receive a special send-off part along with the tour. Apparently, I had impressed everyone so much, they thought I deserved it. See how charm works. But I did some hard work as well. Well whatever.

Thanks to my bewilderingly annoying coincidental life, the date would clash with my best-friend’s (Chuck’s) wedding. I was very late to realize this. I felt like I was spitting straight up lying on my back. The real problem was to break this news to my chief and explain that I wouldn’t be able to come for the tour/party.

I managed to do that today after grand rounds when our unit was having a snack-break. Like how Ray suggested, I was careful enough to grab a private moment with my chief. I started out rather apologetically.

‘Sir, I’ve to tell you something. I’m very sorry… sorry to inform you that I won’t be able to make it for the tour…’

Almost shrieking, my chief said ‘What are you talking about Kris? We had been planning that party just for you! And now you are pulling out at the last moment. That can’t be possible. You can’t do that!’

‘Sir, it is my friend’s wedding… in fact, my best-friend’s wedding. And I cannot possibly miss it. If it had been anything else…’

With a big frown, my chief continued ‘What best-friend? Aren’t we best-friends too? Marriages will come and go. But you have to come with us.’

‘Sir, I can’t. You should understand that as it is my best-friend’s wedding.’

‘Well, we can’t help it then. I’ll tell the others.’ Visibly disappointed, he walked away without looking at me.

This is what I make out: My chief is interested in me. Maybe not sexually, but he is still interested.

I hate parasitic kids

I was chilling today evening. Chilling as in 'Writing songs and recording them.' My friend S with whom I indulge in such chilling sessions had to take a break to go somewhere. And to I went downstairs with him to see him off.

There was this little cousin of mine. He is around 11 years of age. He looks dumb. He acts dumb. He IS dumb. But still, I try to engage in some conversation with him. Things don't work out. He is trying to hit me with a folder hand kerchief while I'm trying to talk to him. I get so pissed, I start walking to and fro.

As if to piss me off further, he starts to follow me. I try walking in all directions. He is there behind me. Like a shadow. Like a tape worm. I get really pissed. I'm very desparate. He starts talking to me. Same old parasitic-sickening-kid-pesky-questions.

I totally lose it. Well, almost. But a flash of brilliance saves me. I dial my neighbor/friend's number. I offer to type him a few questions for a test he is preparing for students.

I say to the kid that I'm going to my friend's place. He asked me where it is as I start to walk away. I say that it is at the other end of the city and continue walking away. 'Why aren't you taking your scooter then?' I just walk faster.

I spent a lovely two hours at my friend's place watching some Dish TV (VH1 to be exact) while typing some pages of matter.

New men

It's been a long time since I met Mr. Lion. I'm missing him badly. But that doesn't make me feel like arranging for a date because I feel he is more interested in sex than anything else. Arranging a meeting by itself is an arduous task because it is a clandestine affair. If such a meeting doesn't culminate in sex, it is not worth it. And because I don't want to go to cheap hotels for sex, and want to get it done at home (my parents are always home), things aren't working out.

But still I get stimulated by countless other men. Umm, well the exaggeration bit works out if you count the number from pictures I get from th mail groups I subscribe to.

But still, in real life there are two or three men.

One is the ever-present neighbor-gardener who lives behind my house. He is not hot by default. But there is something about the gardening bit he does with just the 'lungie' which gets me excited. Oh by the way, I'm very much a voyeur in this context; he sort of exposes himself while weeding etc. To understand how this could occur, you need to know how a 'lungie' is worn casually in Kerala.

The other guy is a lot more hot. He is one of the guys who I have always had wet dreams because of. He is the husband of a middle aged woman who used to live next door. He has a friendly, cheerful attitude, a full beard which is manicured to perfection and a great body shape. I'll call him Mr. Sun. Ever since I was a kid, we had a healthy relationship; of-the-sort-of-a-frienship.

Today when I was working out at home (mind you, I'm think and almost scrawny. I try to put on some muscle by working out. As in life, things don't always work out the way you wish to) wearing a tiny little shorts. In between, I felt thirsty and went downstairs to get some water. On my way back, I noticed that Mr. Sun was out there wearing a shirt and a 'lungie'. The shirt was worn in a careless attitude and a lot of his chest hair was poking its way through.

He had heard me talking to my mother. And called out my name.

'Kris, how is life?'


'Everything is fine. I'm sorry I can't make my way out as I'm practically wearing nothing'.


And he said to my amazement 'That is exactly what I want... you to wear nothing. After all, that is what you guys make people like me do. We are helpless.'


I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. I walked out to the porch and met him. 'Wow, that is some comment. I have never thought of it that way.'



'What else do you think should be the correct way. We don't have an option at the clinic/hospital, do we? So we should be able to see doctors like that when we wish.'



Somehow I managed to control the drool that was flowing out of my mouth and I defended my stand 'But we ask for your permssion before that. That is why you come to see us docs. It is an understanding.'



He said 'Whatever, it is just not right. We should have an equal chance.'



Had it not been for my father standing beside him listening to this whole conversation, I would have fellated him on the spot. I wanted to continue the conversation, but later... when I was better dressed, when I could hid my skinny self. I said 'I'll talk to you later. Right now, I need to get clean and get dressed. Bye'.

Developments with my Professor

Well, things didn't work out to plans with my professor. The other day, when I was complementing on his outfit, he said 'Kris, you shouldn't be commenting about me like this. It is not right.' Just like that. Direct. In your face.

I suspected that he had somehow managed to detect my fascination towards older men. Not by picking up my mannerisms. I think he might have overheard a couple of friends of mine making fun of my liking for senior males.

At least that is what I thought. But since then I've taken advice from Ray. He asked me not to comment in public. He thinks that my prof might still fall for my comments if it is delivered to him directly, privately.

I waited. And finally I tried again. This time in private. He accepted it, and thanked me again. Now that he is back 'within target range', my desire for him has just quadrupled.

Rottenness of braces

Some of you might remember that I'm on braces. It’s been almost six months since I am on these. And the different is plain and obvious. My smile has just gotten much better. To keep things in proper perspective let me clarify that one of the good things about me was my ‘smile’. So you can imagine how captivating my smile is right now. Those who fantasize me, keep on drooling away!

These days, the orthodontist tightens the brace every month or so. Eating is a rotten experience in the first 3 days after such a tightening. After that, the other end of the metal wire becomes loose and starts to poke out. Sometimes, the occasional tongue or finger gets stuck and is wounded. That is a rotten experience as well.

But the really rotten aspect of wearing braces is that it the one reason why I can't hope to engage in safe oral sex.

Parker craze

I've been a lame bitch for some time now. It's been what... 2 weeks since I blogged last? But I can substantiate that with this.

I've been doing a lot of sorting/cleaning stuff so that things will be easier for me when I shift to my new hostel/hospital. That took about 3 days solid. I found a lot of missing things. That included a couple of Parker pens. Since then, I've been using my original Parker fountain pen regularly at the hospital. Apart from the fact that it is a nuisance to everyone; because a little drop of water can destroy what you wrote, I still keep doing it. And I love writing with it. My extreme indulgence has made me buy a couple of other Parkers - a regular ball pen and a roller ball pen. Am I not crazy?

This is just one example of eccentricity that kept me from blogging... being the People of the Year as per ABC Networks, USA.