Jan 18, 2010

The deep dark shades of masochistic depression

I have had a tough year last year when things went wrong almost calculatedly, and I went wrong almost as if I were on autopilot. Wrong would me a wrong word to describe the condition - inadaptable would perhaps better explain the condition. My life during this period could be compared to a set of dominoes which collapsed the exact opposite way they were meant to.

I, as a system that worked pretty efficiently in scaling all the hurdles that my previous life had presented me, capitulated to such an extent that I started picking up apparently ambivalent things (apart from the true negative phenomena) and conjured up ways to demonise them into the ultra-negativities, which were later incorporated into my life's realm. It was like how an evil force, a la comics and their fantastic story lines, would feed on all sources of energy, soul, and life, to enhance its own size, thus eventually causing an apocalypse.

This effect, unfortunately, is due to the fact that I'm, by default, hopeful and optimistic. By being so, I let negativity hurt me more that it should. I belive that this the big fat irony of hope and its resultant expectation. When you get stuck inside such a situation, you tend to wonder why such things happen to you. You have a strong feeling of righteousness and it seems that things/life are/is unfair. However, inside the mind of a depressive person, who might also be a tad masochistic, thoughts swarm up to find reasons for the apparent cruelty and the need to endure it for prolonged periods as if to 'suffer' for the 'sins' that must have been committed, albeit unknowingly!

This is why people like me resist help and go deeper and deeper into the proverbial shell. In my case however, thanks to Vinokur primarily, who orchestrated this marvelous heist of my mind with the help of two of my dear friends, the depressive spree has been halted and I'm now on therapy. Presently, I'm feeling much better. The negativity, instead of clinging on to, passes me by like it does for all others. I urge everyone who has had similar experiences to take that huge step, maybe with the help of your near and dear friends, to seek therapy!

I would like to quote my friend/musician/bandmate Sidd Coutto - "... make your own bubble of happiness, and stay in it!"

Stay happy!


alan said...

Welcome back, my dear Krishna!

Kris Bass said...

Thank you Mr. Alan Vinokur! :)

shruta said...

Kakes .. you helped yourself the most of all .. :) .. you could have chosen to be that way and feel sorry for urself .. but you dint .. im sure u figured WHAT was wrong (the whole negative force bit)and knew that you had to get OUT of it and fast !!!! No one can help you till you want to be helped ... and asking for some is a very strong thing to do ..

We all love you .. ( a big hug ) and its a pleasure to be around you ..

shruta said...

And another thing that I would like to say:

Throughout this phase our dearest Kakes has been the most obliging at work .. as a senior .. and someone who is well informed .. he never hesitated to help solve any doubts and answer professional queries that we relentlessly flung at him .. no matter how pestering and trivial irritating .. and above all during the phases when he needed solitude most ..

I think he deserves to be given MORE doubts to be solved to express our gratitude ... :P

Kris Bass said...

Shruta, aww sweetie, thanks for the lovely, heartfelt comments. You know how important appreciation is for me. :) Thanks! And you guys helped me out a lot too! I love you all at work! :)

Ria said...

All i can say now is that i earnestly want you to never go into depression and hurt yourself. i wish you to be happy all the time and count on me as well as all the others who love you for help or just being around to listen to you.

shruta said...

Kakes.. its not "appreciation" .. its feedback and justt stating the obvious.. Do take care.. and yeah most of us will be there .. anytime you "need" us .. :p

Kris Bass said...

Ria and Shruta, my gastronomical twins, thanks a lot for the support, love, and food! <3 Muaaah!

Firebolt said...

Welcome back, Kris! We missed you. :)