Jul 21, 2014

Additions to my WHILTHS List from the Stargate universe

As I wrote in my last post, I quite urgently need to update my With Him I’d Like To Have Sex (WHLTHS) list. Considering that the last few months have been dominated by my discovery of the Stargate franchise and consumption of related content, it is most pertinent to add a four delectable men from the Stargate content what I have watched so far.

1. Richard Dean Anderson (older version) as Captain Jack O’Neill in SGU
This may come as a surprise, because, to be honest, Richard Dean Anderson in SG-1 is really attractive. But I got goose-bumps when I watched the SGU pilot when the now aged Captain knocks on the door of a mathematician geek boy Eli Wallace asking him to join the team. The most attractive aspects are the accent and the sarcasm.
Captain O’Neill in SGU
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Captain O’Neill in SG1
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This character is the prototype of my tastes – rugged, coarse features, strong masculine voice, and the balded head/silver goatee.
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3. Erick Avari as Kasuf as the Leader of Abydonians in Stargate (1994) and SG1
He’s actually the first among this list who I really fell for, primarily because he was the only eye candy on the film Starage (1994) for me.
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His character has almost everything that I go for: power, authority, wisdom, righteousness, baldness, shortness, and, and of course, the accent. Below the photographs, you will find a YouTube vide where Master Bra’tac addresses him as Hammond of Texas for the first time.
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(PS: I think I’m about 20% through the entire Stargate catalogue on offer. The movie Stargate (1994), 3 seasons and some of Stargate SG1, and most of the first season of SGU Stargate Universe. This is quite strange because I started with SGU. After the pilot, I was so hooked on to the concept that I decided that I had to go the Star Wars/Planet of The Apes way of watching sci-fi series. So I started from the movie that kicked everything off and the follow-up series. The rest of the episodes of SGU have been watched with the BF – he wants us to watch something or the other every night and we have to find new things that we both can stand.)

Jul 20, 2014

Things that I've been doing

I have not been blogging too much lately. It's not because I don't have things to write about. Rather, I don't feel that what I write is not going to be interesting enough for reading. I guess this is very much part of the negative thought loops associated with depression. I have been reading a couple of books about depression that have opened my mind about this.

This  post is about what I have been doing, apart from worrying/being depressed and working, in the past few months (from January 2014):

I can't believe that I get triggered so easily - positively and negatively.

The last time I changed my blog template, I guess I was in a darker place in my life. I'm not saying that I've come out of it but I see slivers of neutrality in the way I perceive the world. So this afternoon, I was out doing strange things—strange considering that it was a Sunday where I had planned to stay in my apartment, be a hermit, and do my things (i.e., watch sport, read books, work on my guitar-playing skills, and watch TV series).

I took a shower and walked out the door for letting my maid get some time to tidy up my apartment. The only must-do thing on my list was get a strip of an antidepressant medication that I was having trouble getting. I placed a call to the pharmacy to find out that they still haven't received supplies from the company.

I didn't know what to do. I could have come back up to my apartment and sort of crawl into the bed with my Kindle or something. But I didn't. I went to the coffee shop across the road instead and read the book that I was reading, sipping two cups of americano. Strange. Americano has been by go-to-coffee for a few weeks now, after a coffee machine was installed at the office.

Being the state that I am in, I was very distracted. I went about reading like an ADD-affected individual*. Checking my phone every few seconds, zoning out to the two streams of conversations going on in the shop, and reading a few sentences of the book. I was very conscious of how distracted I was.

I must have checked my Twitter feed and something triggered the memory of a blog post in here. The post** is titled My "With Him, I'd Like To Have Sex" (WHILTHS) list". The triggers were two: a tweet from my friend about her Book-et list and my sudden remembrance of an actor from Stargate SG1 who I was horny for.
The result was an instantaneous tweet.
After doing a couple of other things—getting a shave and doing my groceries listening to a podcast—I came back home all excited and got on my laptop. I looked at my blog. The template that I have been using for a couple of years looked stale and sort of wannabe. I was impatient and I instinctively went for this design. I hope I would like it a couple of weeks from now.

Plus, I have a few ideas for posts. After this is done, I'll start writing them. :)

*I may be an ADD-affected individual, you know.
**Coincidentally enough, this post was posted almost exactly 10 years ago - July 10th, 2004. :-O

Jul 13, 2014

For those who are not aware of what depression is

I just stumbled on this on Reddit, which turns out to be one of the best places to learn more about issues from people who you can relate to.


Last week, I was feeling not so great and a couple of my friends made things worse by asking me why I'm depressed. I was upset with them. In my conversation with the BF, I vented my frustration. He said something similar to what the article in the above link refers to: people who act like how my friends did are not indifferent but are ignorant.

Jul 8, 2014

Worry list for today

  • BF’s health
  • The relationship, and how my depression is ruining it
  • About the next meeting with the BF and what will happen
  • About all communications with him, wondering when the next argument/fight will start
  • Wanting a bigger backpack to carry things around, but not wanting to disappoint him by not using the bag he bought me.
  • Because of the bag situation, packing for staying over at his place, what not to miss.
  • Forgetting things in different bags
  • The perennial fear of losing/misplacing things while in transit
  • Running out of money, long term and short term
  • Getting change for 1000 rupee notes, which is what my new bank’s ATM is giving me
  • Not finding the new bank’s ATMs
  • How to start investing/saving
  • How to sort through the company-provided health insurance papers, while realizing that the closest person in my life won’t benefit from it, thanks to Indian law
  • Reading articles “positive thinking” and similar self-help articles and wondering why I can’t do any of what they say
  • Feeling of being unable to finish any task apart from work (e.g., read a book, learn something, watch a movie)
  • About making errors at work and causing client complaints
  • About how soon I’ll leave work and when I’ll reach the place I have to get to
  • About getting late for things (BF’s apartment, appointments, errands)
  • Income tax return filing
  • Wanting to exercise (walk/cycle) but not being unable to
  • Wanting to wake up early and do something productive, but being unable to
  • About how to manage watching live sports and spending time with the BF
  • About medications - how to get them (pharmacy is always out of stock) and when I’ll run out of them
  • About what I’ll eat in my next meal
  • Running errands in general
  • Communication with friends
  • Impending social outings with friends
  • Losing friends because of my antisocial nature
  • About making friends and loved ones worry about me
  • About the vast amount of things to learn but having little time for it
  • Everyday commute in the rains
  • Increased travel expenditure, especially suburban rail passes
  • Grocery shopping - the experience and how to not forget things
(Originally posted on Neverlast)

Jul 6, 2014

Telebphobia again

I’m generally never in a mood for a phone conversation. Especially, after a tiring movie + grocery shopping trip. That too, after a boring movie. Tonight, I just had too many calls that I purposefully couldn’t/didn’t answer.

Two friends tried calling me multiple times when I was at the supermarket, disrupting my podcast listening People find it hard to understand that I just don’t want to talk on the phone. On top of that, I need to text them back and explain to both that I don’t want to talk. Otherwise, they would think that I’m trying to kill myself or simmering. That is one guilt trip.

I always wonder why people don’t ask by text if it’s okay to call? I don’t buy the argument that friends don’t feel the need to. I try to ask by text before, especially if I am calling randomly. What if someone is doing something that they don’t want to interrupt? In my case, I hardly ever am free to talk or feel like talking.

Unless, it’s urgent, I don’t think phone conversations are necessary. My friends, if they know me, they should know that by now. People should respect others’ preferences and cooperate.

 (Originally posted on Neverlast)

Jul 5, 2014

Something hit me and I'm still down

Everything was great in the first week of April. Something happened then. Since then, I have been feeling not-so-good to horrible.

Triggers everywhere. I don’t want to do many things I used to love. I don’t want to be with most people I know. I don’t want to be at most social events that I used to go to. I want to be in a cave by myself away from the society, doing very few things, but wanting to do them a lot.

Out go Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Viber, and Instagram. Whatsapp and Email are minimum, and I sound rude when I do respond. Enter guitar learning, Stargate watching, and sports following (cricket, sports entertainment, and now football). .

Every now and then, I seem to come out of its clutches. Then I fall back. Pharmacotherapy and cognitive behavioral therapy help me survive.

I hurt most people in my life in one way or the other. I don’t want to, really. But I can’t help it. I hope I won’t leave it too late, before everyone’s had enough of me.

(Originally posted on Neveralst)

Jan 29, 2014

Through Love’s Great Power - A Poem by Vikram Seth

Vikram Seth just sent this to the Times of India. It's a poem on the Supreme Court ruling on Section 377, recriminalizing homosexualilty in India.

Through love’s great power to be made whole
In mind and body, heart and soul –
Through freedom to find joy, or be
By dint of joy itself set free
In love and in companionhood:
This is the true and natural good.

To undo justice, and to seek
To quash the rights that guard the weak –
To sneer at love, and wrench apart
The bonds of body, mind and heart
With specious reason and no rhyme:
This is the true unnatural crime.

Vikram Seth

Forward it to those who matter.