I have had a history of being rude on the phone. I know that I have been - according to social standards. But don't I have the right to be pissed about somebody intruding your privacy forcing you to react and comment to questions and thoughts?
Think of it this way. You are tired, have just slipped out of your clothes, and are trying to sleep. Would you want to be disturbed - even when its your mother/lover/child is calling you? Wouldn't you want this person to understand and fuck off?
The privacy that you have is the time when you let your conscious social mind sleep. Where you can sleep naked throwing away all the societal clothes that you are forced to wear. How would you like it if you were woken up every now and then? Now, imagine the person who's doing it. Let this be someone that you really don't care shit about. Hold on, it's not because that person is lowly - just that we fucking don't have the time.
Don't we have the right to sleep - the right to be alone, not needing to speak with someone and react righteously? If yes, why am I labelled as being rude? Why don't people let me sleep? I don't want to dress up for a person that I don't really have the time to care about. And its fair.
27 to 30
27 to 30 - about the phase of life between 27 years and 30 years, when I'm 27 days to becoming 30 years old.
27 to 30
Stop, rewind. Slow it down.
Play. Pause. There, do you see?
What? I can't believe it.
Is that me, are you sure?
Hope, happiness, and a life ahead
Pride, loneliness, not a fear of what's ahead
Unpause. Play. Slow it down.
Hey. Pause. There, do you see?
Where am I? What's happened to me?
Why do I look sad and lost?
Fear, pain, and truckload of demons
Scars, sadness, and life to forget.
Play. Fast forward. Don't stop. Ever. Off.
27 to 30
Stop, rewind. Slow it down.
Play. Pause. There, do you see?
What? I can't believe it.
Is that me, are you sure?
Hope, happiness, and a life ahead
Pride, loneliness, not a fear of what's ahead
Unpause. Play. Slow it down.
Hey. Pause. There, do you see?
Where am I? What's happened to me?
Why do I look sad and lost?
Fear, pain, and truckload of demons
Scars, sadness, and life to forget.
Play. Fast forward. Don't stop. Ever. Off.
Lessons of life
Life's really your first and only school, and it is quite an average public school - albeit, with with audio-visual lessons. You really can't graduate out of it. There is no structure, a vast majority of the tests are unexpected, and the peer pressure is tremendous because of the 6.5 billion competition. And honestly, there is hardly anyone who understands the syllabus well enough to guide you when you repeatedly flunk a test.
There are good parts too. The lack of structure means that you are never really late for anything. Text books aren't really defined - you can pick up any random topic anytime - and there our minds double up as note books, thus eliminating those weighty backpacks. Furthermore, you can't really cram for tests, and the preparation (and a few of the elective tests themselves) can sometimes be well thought out and planned. The possibilities for study groups and their members is enormous.
The irony, however, is that these good parts shows on the screens of only who masticate, swallow, and digest the bad parts. For them, life can be the most wonderful amalgamation comprising parts of romantic comedies, sit-coms, tragedies, drama, action-thrillers, avant garde films,documentaries etc. You might need to choose your popcorn flavor and find a nice cozy mental recliner couch to view from. Yes, life's playing at your own personal screens and you need to find ways to enjoy it.
I think I'm one of these lucky ones who have an alimentary system analogous to the cow-folk. Yes I have frequent regurgitation and I belch a lot. Just one wish though - I wish my screen played a little bit more of happier parts. Rom-com parts too. Who has the remote?
There are good parts too. The lack of structure means that you are never really late for anything. Text books aren't really defined - you can pick up any random topic anytime - and there our minds double up as note books, thus eliminating those weighty backpacks. Furthermore, you can't really cram for tests, and the preparation (and a few of the elective tests themselves) can sometimes be well thought out and planned. The possibilities for study groups and their members is enormous.
The irony, however, is that these good parts shows on the screens of only who masticate, swallow, and digest the bad parts. For them, life can be the most wonderful amalgamation comprising parts of romantic comedies, sit-coms, tragedies, drama, action-thrillers, avant garde films,documentaries etc. You might need to choose your popcorn flavor and find a nice cozy mental recliner couch to view from. Yes, life's playing at your own personal screens and you need to find ways to enjoy it.
I think I'm one of these lucky ones who have an alimentary system analogous to the cow-folk. Yes I have frequent regurgitation and I belch a lot. Just one wish though - I wish my screen played a little bit more of happier parts. Rom-com parts too. Who has the remote?
Weed out your garden
Everyone's life is in the process of being lost due to a lack of direction, motivation, and a tendency to stagnate. You may say that I'm a cynic, but I'm not the only one. If you indulge in some sort of art, like I do (music), the onus is on you to prevent this from happening. Keeping company with an intelligent group of people you selectively retain after careful weeding helps in your life.
I find it increasingly suffocating to be hanging around with people having musical egos, who don't have a structured approach to dealing with music, and those who don't have a musical goal or are failing in any attempts (mostly none) to reach it. For example, I would much rather be alone in a busy train listening to inspiring music by geniuses (like Alanis Morissette, in my life right now) than stay in a cab full of feigned, pointless conversation about how good/bad a gig/band was.
You might also say that I'm a bitch, but I'm probably one of the few with balls enough to realize, accept and execute this ideal. This, I believe, is universal - to avoid bad people/things in your life. But just keep this in mind: 'bad' is relative and there is every chance that I'm 'bad' for your life. So avoid me, if you must - for your life is your garden, after all, and it's better to start picking and weeding it in springtime.
I find it increasingly suffocating to be hanging around with people having musical egos, who don't have a structured approach to dealing with music, and those who don't have a musical goal or are failing in any attempts (mostly none) to reach it. For example, I would much rather be alone in a busy train listening to inspiring music by geniuses (like Alanis Morissette, in my life right now) than stay in a cab full of feigned, pointless conversation about how good/bad a gig/band was.
You might also say that I'm a bitch, but I'm probably one of the few with balls enough to realize, accept and execute this ideal. This, I believe, is universal - to avoid bad people/things in your life. But just keep this in mind: 'bad' is relative and there is every chance that I'm 'bad' for your life. So avoid me, if you must - for your life is your garden, after all, and it's better to start picking and weeding it in springtime.
Forgotten facets
I seem to have forgotten what it's like not to think about anything at all - like staring out of the bus watching faces, buildings, and landscapes fly by. I seem to have forgotten what it's like to come bach home and not have an agenda to follow - like find something interesting on television and watching it. I seem to have forgotten that the time that you spend for eating is not something that should be avoided to fit in for variables - like late buses and traffic jams.
I also seem to have forgotten how what it is to live with happiness. Coincidence?
I also seem to have forgotten how what it is to live with happiness. Coincidence?
The case of Artists vs. Audience
So you are an artist - a musician, a photographer, a painter. You have fun doing your thing and the product, or in the other words the 'final' product, is supposed to showcase to the world the thought that went inside your synapses when your were making it. This final product apparently has the charm to win over a million hearts, thereby catapulting you to the fame and acknowledgement that you richly deserve. Sounds good. Sounds fair too. But what about the world?
The world's turning around in a frenzy, almost chasing it's own tail. And its inhabitants are busier that a humming bird's wings trying to make ends meet. Most of the world really cannot stop and stare at a painting, a photo, a song, or a poem and figure out the brilliant neuronal foreplay which climaxed in the final product. Apart from time being at a premium, majority of the world isn't wired like the artist - not even like AN artist. The world too is right!
So the artist complains to the world 'You are not being kind to me. You don't even find time to appreciate my final product and and pass on some comments. Unfair!' The world says 'Honestly, it's not that I don't care. First, I don't find time. Besides, I don't even get your art. I can't understand it. So why are you complaining?'
The court decides that artists and the world come to a truce under under the following reason: artists should go back and enjoy the process of making art! Let the product be a by-product.
On a similar note - why is it a given that art has to be appreciated equally by everyone? What if the masterpieces are just hyped up? Who decides what is good, and hence should be appreciated and emulated?
The world's turning around in a frenzy, almost chasing it's own tail. And its inhabitants are busier that a humming bird's wings trying to make ends meet. Most of the world really cannot stop and stare at a painting, a photo, a song, or a poem and figure out the brilliant neuronal foreplay which climaxed in the final product. Apart from time being at a premium, majority of the world isn't wired like the artist - not even like AN artist. The world too is right!
So the artist complains to the world 'You are not being kind to me. You don't even find time to appreciate my final product and and pass on some comments. Unfair!' The world says 'Honestly, it's not that I don't care. First, I don't find time. Besides, I don't even get your art. I can't understand it. So why are you complaining?'
The court decides that artists and the world come to a truce under under the following reason: artists should go back and enjoy the process of making art! Let the product be a by-product.
On a similar note - why is it a given that art has to be appreciated equally by everyone? What if the masterpieces are just hyped up? Who decides what is good, and hence should be appreciated and emulated?
The Circles of Life
The gig at
Back then, I was in Kerala, was in my Final year of MBBS and I had been playing guitars for a couple of years. S. was studying in
I still remember standing (and in due course, sitting) in awe at the professionalism with which the band was doing their rehearsing. The drummer sounded like a metronome, the guitarists were playing on fucking huge amps, and the bassist was trying to pen in some lines - right in front of me!
Thankfully, I found an immensely satisfying replacement in WorldSpace, the satellite radio service that had infiltrated majorly into my life. I was a big fan of - I still am - the modern rock station BOB. I was listening to
Around the same time, I heard a compilation CD called the Great Indian Rock. That CD featured the song PSP 12'' by the band Zero. That was the first time that I had fallen in love with an Indian alternative rock song. It reminded me of what Indian rock music could do – make groovy modern rock. Suddenly, things fell into place. I wanted to write songs like that - I did actually, not quite the same standard, but that's beside the point - some of them are online!
That song was written by the drummer of the band - the multi-talented musician/comedian, Sidd Coutto. Ironically, I hadn't realized that until really late, from the horse's mouth actually, on one night when he was performing at a gig in Mumbai this year.
Now, isn't that sweet!
I'd like to take this opportunity to credit all the idols/icons who I've performed/played with or shared the stage with, in the order idol-hood attainment:
- Rex Vijayan (Avial, former Motherjane)
- Sunil and Evergreen (the entire band band)
- Sidd Coutto, Bobby Talwar, Rajiv Talwar (from Zero)
- Jai Row Kavi, Johan Pais, Sidd Coutto (Helga's
- Teemer Chimulkar, Aniket Waghmode, Janus Sayal,
- ZomB Menon, Sheldon Dixon (Metakix)
- Tony John, Rex Vijayan, Mithun Puthenveetil, Naresh Kamath (Avial)
Thank you all for inspiring me me and making me realize my dreams. I hope I can inspire someone to be/do something someday. I'd love to be tagged if you decided to write about it!
The irrepressible Sun
I've always wanted to write - bestsellers, preferably in the Asimov mold. I, unfortunately, can't. This title is dedicated to that dream. If you are wondering WTF - I'm at Hyderabad for a gig with Shor Bazaar and I have just come back from soundchecking under the blistering sun. I almost had a heat stroke. This gig brings my life down another circle - I'll explain that next time. Now, however, lets get me back to the only thing I'm really good at - lamenting.
Once my good friend Dennis had said a decade or so back: 'You've got to be extensively-read to start writing, Kris'. I had nodded, albeit in part-disagreement - I hate being told I'm not good enough - it reminds me of my childhood, when everything about me was judged by performance at academics. 'Son, the only reason why we are proud of you is because of your scores and otherwise, you are just a bag of shit'-type comments plague me still, you see.
I had been forced to fall prey to the sleazy educational system and my conservative lower-middle class upbringing, where the only goal in life was to score well in exams. On top of that, I chose something - I must confess that I love Medicine and Orthopedics, but they are just too restrictive - which wrecked any chance that I had to explore the loopholes in the system.
Now, I'm staring down the hill, with the best part of my life over, with very few memories that I can cherish and carry forward. I have a pathological uneasiness to get into discussions with others about books, music, paintings, movies because I feel ashamed to have not read/heard/enjoyed/watched them. I have self-esteem issues and am pathologically approval/attention-seeking and depressive.
The message is this - please choose to have better childhoods.
Once my good friend Dennis had said a decade or so back: 'You've got to be extensively-read to start writing, Kris'. I had nodded, albeit in part-disagreement - I hate being told I'm not good enough - it reminds me of my childhood, when everything about me was judged by performance at academics. 'Son, the only reason why we are proud of you is because of your scores and otherwise, you are just a bag of shit'-type comments plague me still, you see.
I had been forced to fall prey to the sleazy educational system and my conservative lower-middle class upbringing, where the only goal in life was to score well in exams. On top of that, I chose something - I must confess that I love Medicine and Orthopedics, but they are just too restrictive - which wrecked any chance that I had to explore the loopholes in the system.
Now, I'm staring down the hill, with the best part of my life over, with very few memories that I can cherish and carry forward. I have a pathological uneasiness to get into discussions with others about books, music, paintings, movies because I feel ashamed to have not read/heard/enjoyed/watched them. I have self-esteem issues and am pathologically approval/attention-seeking and depressive.
The message is this - please choose to have better childhoods.
Confessions of a chronistically-challenged soul
Here's what I do in life: (a) Full-time day job which is interesting but taxing on the brain, eyes, and my time (b) Full-time musician who plays for four active bands (c) Full-time PR guy for at least two of the bands that I play for.
This amounts up to one thing - Bull-shit personal life. From no time to talk to my friends to lack of sleep, from not running errands for weeks to not getting time to read the newspaper, from closing the browser when someone pops up on chat with 'Hey, long time!' to not getting time write/rehearse by myself.
People, I'm sure, must have made a wonderully elaborate explanation about me and my excuses. There are a few people who I promised to meet up (for dates) with after a telephone conversation. They must think that I'm acting pricey. My friends who call me up when I'm in the middle of something and end up getting an answer 'Hey look, I'm really busy now. We'll talk later.' Well, this is how you lose friends.
Sooner than later, this will take it's toll. I realize the need to be away from the knife's edge. My schedule needs to ease out. I don't want to break down. It's my only life!
This amounts up to one thing - Bull-shit personal life. From no time to talk to my friends to lack of sleep, from not running errands for weeks to not getting time to read the newspaper, from closing the browser when someone pops up on chat with 'Hey, long time!' to not getting time write/rehearse by myself.
People, I'm sure, must have made a wonderully elaborate explanation about me and my excuses. There are a few people who I promised to meet up (for dates) with after a telephone conversation. They must think that I'm acting pricey. My friends who call me up when I'm in the middle of something and end up getting an answer 'Hey look, I'm really busy now. We'll talk later.' Well, this is how you lose friends.
Sooner than later, this will take it's toll. I realize the need to be away from the knife's edge. My schedule needs to ease out. I don't want to break down. It's my only life!
My latest goal in life
Most of who know me know that I'm a teenage girl trapped in a man's body -insecure, weak, and terminally depressive. However, there are times when I turn into this ruthlessly aggressive persona, and use my words like curare darts and end up hurting people who I love. That's probably I relate to Fiona Apple's 'Criminal'. She's so fucking honest and brutally naked in her lyrics. My latest goal/aim in life to be as cool as her, write such songs, and sing them as well as she can. (Sigh!)Fiona Apple - Criminal (1997)
I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins
I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep living this day like the next will never come
Oh help me but don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself of all these lies 'till I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose and I'm bettin' high so I'm begging you
Before it ends just tell me where to begin
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love
Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say, the devil wants to know
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of looooooooooooooooooooooooooove
Yeah yeah yeah uhh uhh uhhhhhh...
Hey hey hey haaayyyyyyyyyyyyy yeahhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhh hiyee ehhh...
(PS: If I ever were straight, I would totally make a pass on her.)
Dates
What's there in dating, you might ask? Most of us have achieved varying degrees of satisfaction in finding someone, and being with that person, in a relationship. Some of the lucky ones still are with their special someone. For the rest, there is a choice.
A person with relatively high self-esteem might sit back and hope that some magic will happen and justify 'When you look for something, you won't find it.' A person with the same level of self-esteem, but with a desire to reach the goal, might re-start dating and still have sufficient immunity to heal the process of emotional wounding.
However, for people like me, with varying moods and a whole extra-large pack of depression and low self-esteem, it's a minefield. Every date is a potential dagger being thrust into your back, so that when you fall, the dagger can go no way but in.
I'm like a decorticated dog in a Pavlovian experiment - which failed to get de-conditioned to love and pain. I wish I could stop this vicious cycle. I can't. So be nice to me.
A person with relatively high self-esteem might sit back and hope that some magic will happen and justify 'When you look for something, you won't find it.' A person with the same level of self-esteem, but with a desire to reach the goal, might re-start dating and still have sufficient immunity to heal the process of emotional wounding.
However, for people like me, with varying moods and a whole extra-large pack of depression and low self-esteem, it's a minefield. Every date is a potential dagger being thrust into your back, so that when you fall, the dagger can go no way but in.
I'm like a decorticated dog in a Pavlovian experiment - which failed to get de-conditioned to love and pain. I wish I could stop this vicious cycle. I can't. So be nice to me.
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