Sep 30, 2004

More responsibilities

Starting October, I'll be working officially as a junior resident at the hospital. That means that I get entrusted with duties just like other residents. Until now (for the last 2 months), it was the intensive training bit. This means that, I would get lesser number of duties per week. But those I take would be much busier.

Another great news; starting tomorrow, new interns will join the college. This means that residents can concentrate more on their actual work without doing too much of clerical and investigational work.

Damn my tummy

It has been three weeks since I jogged in the morning. The workouts are becoming rarer and rarer. Now, it is showing. I think I'm gaining in abdominal fat. I'm not becoming over conscious about it as some people might think.

I think it is high time that I get rid of the idea that I should jog at a particular time every day. Instead, I'm going to try and jog at the time I get to be free.

Sep 28, 2004

Da Vinci Code

This Sunday, our local regional newspaper (which claims to be the biggest selling regional newspaper in the whole of the nation), published an article about gays and awareness in it's Sunday magazine. It took three days to find the article. But when I found it, it was exciting. I was happy about the fact that homosexuality was given importance in the main-stream press.

During dinner yesterday, I showed Ray this article. Instead of being excited, he said that it was good. That is because he has seen a lot of similar articles in many of the regional weekly magazines about such topics.

Soon we were discussing about this new book by Dan Brown - The Da Vinci Code. Ray said he has read plenty of interesting reviews and wants to read it. That got me interested as well.

On my recent tour, I had a splendid opportunity to get this book cheap. But then, I didn't know that it was big!

Sep 27, 2004


I don't know about other gays, but I'm aroused by good looking breasts. Is that an indication that I'm more bisexual than I thought I was? Whenever I watch straight porn, the thing that I look forward to watching is men handling the breasts of the woman.

During my adolescence (when I was totally straight-acting), I used to watch for this aspect only. Since coming out, I have had more of a freedom to express myself and my sexual preferences. But yesterday, I had a mini hard-on while watching a hot woman with a skimpy, thin, wet blouse.

This is happening after a long time!

A family evening?

Strange things do happen like what happened today. I was on duty at the hospital and I had this cold/viral fever prodrome. I asked for permission to get back home to take some rest. Normally, this would mean terror for me.

  • I would be missing out on some hospital-time [read feel-good-time].

  • Then because of the cold, the day would be dull.

  • I would have needed to spend the time with my parents.

But it was totally different. After taking a short nap, I was feeling much better. To make up for the total loss of the day (in terms of academics) yesterday because of the argument bit, I studied well for some time.

Then came the event of the month - I watched a movie on Television with my mother while ironing my clothes!!! Three solid reasons why this is special.

  • I can't usually watch movies on TV at home unless my parents are on tour.

  • I haven't watched a movie with my mother in about 10 years.

  • In my whole life, I have never done so much of ironing.

  • And like in the sit-coms, I was actually doing chores while watching television and enjoying it!

Wow, after years and years, I had an evening with my parents!

Sep 25, 2004

Argument of the day

Today was an odd day in many aspects. First of all, I realized once more that each and every resident working with me was a lazybum. Then I spent a lot of time with a few patients talking about their problems and giving them solid medical advice. Besides, I had strong doubts about my own integrity as a morally correct doctor; one of the patients who I was talking to was a sort of attractive man in his 40s. Anyway, Orthopedic surgeons are not supposed to be the talking-kind among doctors. Therefore, I was rather unusually pleased at what I had achieved.

Then came a whole afternoon and evening which I could spend the way I wanted. Of course, there was this cricket match on TV that I longed to watch. I had plans to sleep, to iron clothes, to read some books, to write songs and to study. To be honest, I know that I tend to overdo my planning always and always end up not doing the stuff that I had planned.

But today was different. I didn't even do a single thing that I had planned. Well, I managed to make some music for one of my upcoming metal songs! But that's about it. All throughout afternoon and night, I spent jamming and talking and arguing with my friend S. I took the guitar gear downstairs and tried to watch the match while jamming. Therefore I lost out on the first half of the match.

During the second half of the match, we were jamming with the drums upstairs. Then, even later into the evening we ended up arguing about an apparently simple topic - How to classify a song to categories such as Pop, Rock, Ballad, Alternative etc.

It actually started out when we were trying to jam one my own songs. My friend S. said that it was like a poppisy, ballad kind of a song. Something like Michael Learns to Rock or Backstreet Boys. Of course, I firmly believe, still, that it is much better than that. I believed that it was more like a Alternative, melodic rock kind of a song.

Now, I classify my songs based on the melody, chord progressions and the rhythm/timing used in the song. But my friend said he classifies the songs by the gut feel. He said that an grunge song by a band sung by a different singer with acoustic instruments can be re-classified as a ballad. Well, actually what he said was this; Change 'band' from the last line with 'Peal Jam', 'song' to '"Alive"' and 'different singer' to 'Christina Auguilera'.

I said that the PJ classic 'Alive' wouldn't change it's genre even if it was sung my Christina Aguilera with Piano on the accompaniment! I still believe that it is true.

My friend actually was quite pissed by my tenacity in arguing. He was quite visibly tired and would need a couple of Intravenous infusions comprising of Amino Acids and Lipids to get back in shape to face another day.

But the question of the day is - Can a song's genre change if you change the instruments and singer while still keeping all the melody and arrangements?

Sep 24, 2004


After a rigorous couple of days at work, I managed to nap for about 3 and a half hours yesterday.

It seemed like the time went past flying by. It seemed more like a few weeks had passed. I had finally got to make out with the neighbor who I have been eyeing for over 10 years now. And it was pure bliss. To add to it, he introduced me to another olderman in the neighborhood interested in gay sex. The second guy was almost as old as my father.

In bed, the second olderman confessed to me that my father was gay as well! Finally... and I mean finally, I found a reason to argue with my family about my sexual orientation.

Then [DAMN], I woke up. First I felt so happy about the things that had happened in the past few weeks. Then I realized that it was all a dream. I was back to the world where being gay was still disapproved.

When I was trying to figure out why I had such a dream, two reasons sprang up. One was the fact that I was sleep-deprived to start with. It really seems that, for me at least, being deprived of sleep is my nitro for libido.

The other reason might be because of the fact that in the morning, I was able to spent 158 seconds standing next to one of the hottest professors in the hospital. This guy is built like a daddy of dreams. Amazing forearms, well built with a little bit of a tummy. Absolutely hairy and is very good at his job. He was hot, hot, hot!

Sep 23, 2004

Lame joke of the day

I rarely make a fuss about jokes. But this following one is pretty lame.

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his
parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.

The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't
know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

Don't you agree?

Sep 21, 2004

There needs to be a day in my life where things would go just the way I want them to. And if this day doesn't come soon, I'm going to feel bad about it all. The introspection that I subject myself to is getting to be painful. Every passing moment seems to be spent on comparing my parents with someone else's and I always end up on the losing side. I know this is not the right way to think about such things. But I consider myself helpless.

Yesterday, a couple of relatives came in who gave me a totally shocking news. They are going to settle in the city that where I have hopes of leading a life of an active gay man. One reason I opted to move from the home town under my parents' noses is to get some privacy. Now, my parents seem to have the idea of moving with me to this city! Gosh, I don't want that to happen!

As I was trying to get out of this rude jolt, my parents started half-complaining, half-mocking my sincerity toward them. I hate this. I know I'm not being the son-of-the-century but still, I don't need this kind of open son-bashing.

Today, I was trying to watch the England Vs. Australia game on TV. My Mom did everything that would irritate me; talk loud, talk rubbish, comment on others including me while I was in the next room to a newfound friend across the street. My father, who didn't even speak a word to me all day, on her arrival, started making comments on the umpiring decisions in the game while artificially laughing. I hate this!

Come on. Give me a break!

Back in town

Two days have passed since I've been back from my tour. Both of the days have been busy. Yesterday, I watched two movies. TROY was easily the better with a lot of hot hot older men. I and Ray were ooohing throughout the movie. Brian Cox was superb! Actually, all the actors did ver well.

During my tour, I had a wonderful pub experience. It was just a small pub. But the lights, atmosphere and particularly the music - They played Nirvanan and Metallica loud and heavy over JBL speakers was awesome. I went there with my friend J. and a couple of his friends. Totally enjoyed it.

Sep 16, 2004

White wine is wonderful

Today is the first time in my whole life that I contemplated a life with alcoholic beverages. I drank a couple of mouthfuls of white wine brought by my friend. It was wonderful although I felt it could use some more sweetening. And it felt wonderful.

Apart from that, I had a great day with a lot of non-patient SilverDaddies to eye. Somehow, I was feeling wonderful through out. Mind you, the wine bit was only late in the night. So something is going right for me.

Maybe it's something to do with professional satisfaction of being recognised as a sincere workaholic person. Maybe it is with the quality time that I spent with Chuck and Ray in the past few days. Maybe it is the quality of photos that seem to be served in the various Mature Men e-groups that I subscribe. Maybe it is the quality of SilverDaddies from real life. I don't want to really find out what in fear of losing the happiness.

I'm going on tour with Chuck who is visiting his brother. I'm visiting my most recently found bisexual friend J. It looks like a splending weekend ahead.

Sep 14, 2004

I need more sleep

Today morning, I woke up feeling really tired. All I wanted to do was to go back to sleep. But I couldn't do that. Instead, I got ready after some hasty shuffling through the newspapers and reached the hospital in time for the morning class. I actually met the chief of the unit on my way to the class. He is the person who makes an ugly scene if someone turns up late. He is that sort of a guy. Has lots of ego, very low self-esteem and has a dozen different idiosyncrasies.

The day at the hospital was much longer that I had expected it to be. I spent the whole afternoon in the theater assisting two very interesting surgeries. That felt good. But I was feeling tired in between. After that, I had to go to the library to give back Lord of The Rings - The Two Towers book to the library. Sadly, I hadn't been able to find time to complete the book. I was wasting way too much money on the book (from a lending library).

I had to do some more work in the wards before the evening class which was again being chaired by my chief. Again I stumbled on to him before the class actually started. Remarkable coincidences to say the least. I was inadvertently elevating my status in his eyes.

The most satisfying part of the day was when I got some time to talk with Ray. He was looking alright although a little down. He had a busy day yesterday.

A the end of the day, the most relevant moral that I learned is that I would need more sleep to feel fresh every day. But I don't have a clue as to how I'll get more.

Sep 13, 2004

Anacondas doesn't disappoint

I finally watched 'Anacondas: The hunt for the blood orchid'. I thought the movie was okay. Watchable. The most disappointing part was the animation again. I really feel that hollywood movies these days are falling short of animation standards set a few years back by movies such a Jurassic Park. Not that Jurassic Park's animation was very realistic, but it has been what, 8 years since and animation has progressed a lot in other fields like Computer games.

I'm very happy on the professional front. I finally took my own rounds in the ward after I realized that I couldn't coaxe anyone to join me. It was a good experience. Now I have to carry on this trend and take regular rounds. That should help me learn to cover all aspects of patient management in a ward.

Chuck opened up to me again about his personal problems. He confessed that he never tells anyone about his problems because he doesn't want others to take him as a whiner. Some contrast to myself! I ask for help to strangers on the internet after lamenting about silly things!

Sep 12, 2004

An extra duty

Chuck is normally the kind of guy who never shies away from his responsibilities. Yesterday, it was different. His brother, who is as close to him as my sister is to me, was coming home after a few months and he wanted to stay home and spend time with him. Therefore, he asked me to take a duty for him. Of course, I said yes. In fact, I couldn't possibly have said anything else. Even to a total stranger. Yes. I'm scared of saying no.

Not a good habit to have you would say. In fact, I think I'm too 'soft' when dealing with issues about management of my professional duties. I can never order anyone around. It is so shocking to see almost everyone dishing out orders with utter ease. And I struggle to even get somebody to help me out with my ward work on most days. This is one reason which makes me prone to be overworked. But I, in a strange way, seem to enjoy this overwork.

This fact is highlighted by the fact that I felt thoroughly happy about helping my dear friend out. I feel like I was rewarded because Chuck and I seem to be getting closer to each other as days pass by. We're finding it easier to share our problems. And we are communicating very well.

At the same time, I feel like losing out on Ray. These past few weeks, we have not been meeting too much. When I saw him yesterday, he was tired and looked like he had lost some weight. To appreciate such a difference, in normal cases, two persons needed to be separated for a period. That kind of separation is not acceptable in my relationship standards.

Sep 10, 2004

Section 377 in a movie

I watched another movie with the same friend that I went with yesterday. Only this time it was a better movie. Far more interesting due to many reasons. It had good cinematography and an interesting screenplay. But the major reason why it attracted me is because it featured pedophilia and the abuse of Section 377 IPC (dealing with unnatural sexual offences; for those not aware, the Indian constitution still considers sodomy, fellatio and homosexuality as a non-bailable crime).

To start off, the movie is about a 6 year old kid who is separated from his family as an aftermath of the devastating Gujrat earthquake a few years back. Five minutes into the movie, a policeman is shown who uses the street children for sex. The featured kid actually bites the policeman's penis and runs in the first few moments of the movie. Then, the protagonist of the movie, who adopts this estranged kid gets arrested on charges of pedophilia. During the time at the police station, Section 377 is clearly read out completely. Actually, the camera captures the actual text while it is being read out.

It is only a week since the last appeal to take out this section from the constitution was discarded. I really hope that something positive happens soon in this issue.

@ the movies

These days, I've this urge to watch movies in the theater. All of them. Even the most ridiculous ones. I enjoy the whole process and the actual movie seems to be just a minor part of the fun associated. Yesterday, I went for a shocker - 'Naatturajavu'. I struggled to maintain my eyes open for most of the movie.

As the saying goes 'Everything happens for the good', I had a bit of cruising experience yesterday. I was munching on some potato chips during the interval when a good looking olderman who was walking across stumbled right in front of me. He tactfully supported himself using his hands which were on my arm and my thigh. After a bit of brushing his leg with my leg, he settled down in the seat next to mine. I looked at him and he was looking at me.

I couldn't let things progress further because my friend was sitting next to me. Plus the original occupants of the seat came and pushed this older man across a few further seats.

Now, I've an irresistible desire to go watch Anacondas II. I hope it is somewhat better.

Sep 8, 2004

Gmail invites

Hey guys, if someone among you would like to have a gmail account, please reply
to this thread. Not that I'm expecting any, but I would love to
receive gifts/cash certificates for each of such examples of
generosity that I display.

Sep 7, 2004

The painting exhibition

Today, I went to a painting exhibition with Chuck. It featured paintings done by one of my classmate and his mother. Most of the paintings were re-creations of the works of other eminent painters. Those included the classics such as 'The Last Supper' and 'Mona Lisa'.

Since I and Chuck didn't have any more of sense to appreciate paintings than a 5 year old kid, it was funny. The classmate gave us a guided tour and it felt odd not being able to genuinely comment on anything. All I could do was to nod and to nod and to nod more.

I and this classmate share a particular craze; that of cats. He, also my namesake, used to talk with me a lot about jaguars and tigers during our undergraduate years. We have even visited the zoo to catch the wild cats in their splendour once or twice.

As we casually chatted about tigers, I happened to mention that I visited the tiger cubs a few weeks back. He, to my utter surprise, said that he knew the zoo vet personally and has been able to play with the cubs!!!

First I felt shocked and surprised. Then I felt envious. Then, finally when it dawned on me that he might have known from the vet about my acquaintance with Mr. Lion, I felt scared.

Thankfully, my friend said that the zoo vet didn't mention about me and Ray visiting the zoo with Mr. Lion. Had he divulged that fact, Chuck would have understood that there must be something fishy here with the fact that Ray knows Mr. Lion.

Another possibility is that the zoo vet might already know about Mr. Lion's sexuality and might have purposefully kept quiet about it. That is a little disturbing.

I'm planning to write to Mr. Lion about this turn of events.

Rainy day conversation

What a shower! It was raining from midnight the previous day and the rain was so strong, most of the normal life in the city was brought to a standstill. But for doctors, things don't change too much. Especially when you are trainees. I had gotten out of home in my scooter with in a cheap rain-coat hoping that it would keep me dry. It did that job very well; only to about half of my body. The rest of me was wet. My shoes were full of water. My trousers were half soaked and my shirt was a white one; people could check out my chest without too much trouble. But I managed myself very well even being uncomfortable about being so wet.

In the afternoon, Chuck, Ray and myself had lunch at our favorite restaurant. We were all wetter because of the fact that we had been trying to get Chuck's bike running. It had refused to come to life because it was standing in the rain for over 24 hours. We failed eventually. But Ray got his bike from his hostel and we went to the restaurant dripping wet. The AC was on at the restaurant. I SO wished someone would rip the ACs of the walls. But that didn't happen.

We ended up talking about Mr. Lion and the relationship that I was having with him. Chuck, by the way, doesn't have a clue that Ray is bi and has had sex with Mr. Lion. And he doesn't really accept in homosexuality. He never used to believe that there was such a concept until I came out to him. Now at least, he tries to understand.

The funny thing is that, Chuck seems to think that worshipping an appendage whose primary function is to let out urine from a body is gross. And when I ask him whether or not he would be worshipping the female counterpart appendages in the future (he is still a virgin), he said he would not. And to establish this point he asks Ray's opinion who plainly nods his head. Deep inside ourselves, we laugh at this joke we are playing on Chuck! But there isn't anything that I can do to let Ray come out.

Sep 6, 2004

Adequate Sleep

The last few weeks, I have never felt like I have slept enough. But today, I feel different. I slept in the afternoon. I'm happy about that. I feel fresh, vibrant and I want to live my life to the fullest.

Sep 5, 2004

A good day

Yesterday was a nice day at the casualty. Our team was friendly and we had a good time throughout. I even got some time to hit on a hot looking guy who works at the hospital. He has a gorgeous smile.

Today morning, I met May after a long time. Even though we work very close to each other, we hardly get time to meet because of non-coinciding free/busy times. It felt nice catching up with each other.

Mr. Lion sent me a mail complimenting on my songs; the lyrics is what impressed him most! Apart from that, he complemented on my love-making skills as well!

Today, the first free Sunday (for myself) in about 3 weeks, I enjoyed a lot of TV. I watched the repeats of Will and Grace and Friends. And I almost totally watched the cricket match at Lords. I’m so happy to see India back on the winning run.

Sep 4, 2004


I never thought that I would be too bothered about ageing. But recently I've noticed that whenever I say how old I am, I'm conscious of the fact that I'm not the youngest. I was so used to being the youngest person in class right through school, college and Med school.

How things can change!

Sep 3, 2004

Can't make sense out of

There is this Incubus song on the radio which I love listening to. Only today did I realize that the lyrics of this song don't mean a thing to me. I hope someone can make sense out of this and explain.

Talk Show On Mute © Incubus

Take a bow

Pack on powder

Wash 'em out with buzzing lights

Pay an audience to care

"Impress me" personality

Still and transfixed

The electric sheep are dreaming of your face

Enjoy you from the chemical

Comfort of America

Come one, come all

Into 1984

Yeah, three, two, one

Lights, camera, transaction

Quick, your time is almost up

Make all forget that they're the moth

Edging in towards the flame

Burn into obscurity

Still and transfixed

The electric sheep are dreaming up your fate

And judge you from the card castle

Comfort of America

Come one, come all

Into 1984

Yeah, three, two, one

Lights, camera, transaction

Your foundation is canyoning

Fault lines should be worn with pride

I hate to say it but

You're so much more

You're so much more

Endearing with the sound turned off

Sep 2, 2004

I had sex!

It happened! And I'm happy to have climaxed! Yes, I and Mr. Lion had 3 orgasms in little under 1 hour. It was a lot of fun. He is so good looking! But my braces did bruise him a bit. But he co-operated wonderfully.

After the act, I made him listen to a few of my songs. He was nodding his way saying that it was okay good etc. I hope this grave act of misjudgment would not result in our relationship turning sour.

0 to 120 in 6 seconds

I'm drowsy after another sleepless night at the ER. Not totally sleepless; but without any worthwhile sleep. I came home with the now well known insomnia induced erection. I was so damn erect; 0 to 120 in 6 seconds that I felt proud of checking it out at the toilet. I had tucked my shirt in and had to re-position of my package to make it less obvious.

On a normal day, I would have been jacking off right now to make sure that such a problem wouldn't return in the day ahead. But today is different. My folks are away and won't be back until night. I have gave Mr. Lion an e-mail asking if he would come home in the afternoon. I still haven't got any reply from him yet. But I hope to. If he comes, I don't want to disappoint him by not climaxing.