Jan 19, 2014

Introspection

I posted about suicidal depression yesterday on my Tumblr Blog - Neverlast. I think it's apt here as well.

Introspection - in suicidal depression

I suffer from depression. During the worst phases, I feel absolutely worthless being alive. Yes, I have thought about suicide several times, and was on the verge of it twice.
I have been thinking about ways to teach myself not to be stupid and not be unempathic to your loved ones. I irony of this strategy may not work out well when your mind is flooded with negative thoughts, when you won’t feel that your suicidal thoughts are stupid and that what you are about to do will hurt all of the people who you love and love you.
In a recent such suicidal thought spree, I decided to list down the people who I may hurt. All of the ones that sprung immediately into my thoughts had some kind of negative associations linked to them - e.g., family, boyfriend, ex-es, childhood friends, friends. All of them would hurt, but in ways that can be compensated by them realizing that I was a worthless piece of shit after all.
Then one image started floating, soon followed by some others, and all of them were similar to each other in an unexpected, strange way. All of these “people”were different from those who I mentioned earlier in some way that matters to me.
I started wondering what the underlying commonality in them all? Of course, all of them would hurt if I took my life. However, their hurt for what I did would be too unbearable for me - that is, just thinking about these wonderful “people” hurting because of me made me feel guilty about what I was planning on doing.
Although it is somewhat complicated, but still logical in my fucked up brain. And it worked!

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