May 15, 2010

Life-plague

I have just realized that my life is a miserable wreck driven by a person who has turned himself into something that he would have never let himself be. I just turn down one thing after the other and have cultivated this habit to procrastinate things that don't involve others. I don't why I do it and I can't find someone to blame it on other than me.

I am writing this after wasting a perfectly good Saturday doing nothing. It was meant to be a weekend to be spent with M at Alibaug. That got canned after sometime last week, I said that I am cancelling the weekend plan. At that point a I was going through a painful life event - breaking up with Vinokur - and I had lost my fucking mind.

Yesterday evening, I had a chance to spend the night with M. I pulled out of it at the last moment citing sleepiness and tiredness as an excuse. I was actually kinda disappointed that my apparently glorious weekend was turning into a nightmare. Then, today morning I got up late enough to cancel an outing with M downtown.

Afer that, I was in a state of mind to pull out of meeting with him tonight as well. I withheld sending the cancellation message and spent the entire day sulking - sleeping in that stuffy, ill-ventilated, hot thing called my apartment, which is infested now with stingy red ants. I had enough time to clean up my apartment - something that I used to love doing - but didn't do that.

This tendency of procrastination and saying no almost like a knee-jerk is plaguing my life. I don't know what has changed, but whatever it may be, it's making me stop being what I used to be. I need healing time. I need some time when my life flows, when everything doesn't have to be this demanding. If I don't get that soon, I'm going to be officially mad!

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