Apr 21, 2010

Middle age reality

Is being in your middle age supposed to be like this? It seems to be a time when all you seemingly do in your life is worry, and when everything you do seems like a chore. Those fun things — going to a movie, reading a book, catching up with friends, taking photos and sharing them — everything becomes tasks that you wished you didn’t have to do. Even hobbies — especially if you have made them into an unfulfilling unforgiving profession — aren’t enjoyable.

Probably, it is a phase of life where the amount of hope dwindles, and the amount of expectation, from your friends, society, and you yourself, overwhelms you. In addition, it’s when you tend to make lists of things to do and tasks to accomplish and check a majority of the items off because of lack of time and money. You also would wish to overcome insurmountable barriers because you see others achieving them with ease.

Your life seems stuck at a place which is unpleasant to you, yet not unbearable, and you do things to please others — others who you care for, or who you don’t, who are often at a much happier place in life. You see childish foolish folks around you everywhere you look, who seem to be happy, much too happy for what they deserve, and you wish for a moment as to why you couldn’t be so innocent and naïve.

To add to this, almost everything that you end up doing had to be done because if you don’t, something bad will happen as a consequence to you and to others, who often, almost coincidentally, seem to forget life is not a one way street. Everything seems to be stuck at an unfortunate point in your life, and its easy to find fault every relationship that you have had — be it friend, family, lover, and those with the other people in your head.

Even if I had a time machine, I probably can’t use it to good effect — I hate my past, I dislike my present, and I’m scared about my future.

4 comments:

the free spirit said...

Oh Kris you are not middle-aged. You are just entering your 30's and yes you are right, life becomes about obligations and expectations and if you dont watch all your energy and motivation gets sucked out of you.
When you are middle-aged, you stop caring about other things get more focused on your own needs, hence the term mid-life crisis.
When you hit middle age I envision you with a covey young hot studs in a hot red convertible car...you will see its 10 yrs down the road.
Fear is not an option, things can only go so low...hang in there

Kris Bass said...

@The Free Spirit: What's middle age anyway. I think it has started for me. I'm worrying more and I'm more of a wreck. I don't have pleasure in my life anymore. Everything has become a chore. I guess this is middle age, even if, technically, you aren't middle age.

Rita said...

"It seems to be a time when all you seemingly do in your life is worry, and when everything you do seems like a chore."
Kris, Kris, Kris! Who have you been talking to?
Middle age is about transition...It is about taking stock of your life, it is about deciding on priorities, but this...?"Probably, it is a phase of life where the amount of hope dwindles, and the amount of expectation, from your friends, society, and you yourself, overwhelms you. In addition, it’s when you tend to make lists of things to do and tasks to accomplish and check a majority of the items off because of lack of time and money. You also would wish to overcome insurmountable barriers because you see others achieving them with ease."
In the first place, You are projecting too far into your own future. You cannot predict the future (really). In the 2nd place, one thing a person has a lot of in middle age is hindsight. (If I told you you, you would reflect back on 30 and think you were soooo young, well...you might not believe me now, but you will.) In the 3rd place, gay men can be so self absorbed!

My point...
Honestly, it doesn't have to be that bad! Who knows, you might find the love of your life tomorrow, or fame and fortune. :)

shruta said...

Kakes..

It REALLY isn't that bad.. at least not as bad as you're making it out to be.. above all the pills you pop on a daily basis you first need to take a chill pill...

there is no point dwelling on your past ... most of us have had yuckie childhoods we wouldn't want to go back to .. but hey, whatever the present may be it aint worth wasting it .. it isn't about being "innocent and naive" .. but just realizing that you are as happy as you want yourself to be ... :) .. you are practically sailing in the same boat as most of us albeit with a heavier baggage (maybe)

So honey, please take a deep breath... and relax... please take things as they come... and its okay to do things wrong and screw up... it would be shit if everything was perfect and neat .. :) .. and you, with all your imperfections, are still a lovely person.. remember that ..

PS - You are always as old as you feel. The year on your birth certificate doesn't matter unless its got to do something with your biological clock ..