Jan 30, 2010

It is indeed over

The separation is huge. It's a bit too much for anything earthly to plug with. The mannerisms, the vocabulary, the humor, the accent, the food, the drinks the priorities, the questions, the answers, the priorities, the values - everything is different. For quite a while, I myself couldn't believe if we were of the same blood. My paranoia about me being adopted by my family was reignited.

Why should they refuse to have a dinner? Why should I be made to feel embarassed for my band mates? Why should I be embarassed about their nutrition when I had perfectly edible, albeit kosher, food for them in the refrigerator? Why should I feel that I was being judged for the 12 hours of re-acquaintance, of which 6 were used up for sleep?

Could this be really happening? How could we possibly explain this? I've been away physically for 5 years from home - she 10. I've been virtually married for 3 years. She's been married for 9 years. She's been in and out of non-clinicial readjusted depression for 9 years - I've been in and out of clinical depression for which I'm receiving treatment now. I've been mentally liberated for 10 years, and she's been jailed for 9 - a coincidence, I bet not?

There used to be hope. Now it is over. Wait, wasn't I hoping it would be over? Yes, that's the last line in the song that I sang for her - 'I hope it is!

I'm sorry to have hurt, if I indeed have. I believe that honesty is the price you pay for being nice. :-(

No comments: