May 30, 2006

Post-emerg goes light

It was another nice and cool day thanks to the fact that the big boss hadn't arrived. It is definitely the calm before the storm as my professor is coming tomorrow. I went for the custom like shave and head+face massage again. I buy a helmet as well. During the shave + massage I think about what all things excite me most. I think is it is the combing or stroking of scalp towards the head which is so intense. I finish work early but I try learning a song

May 29, 2006

The emergency day

The emergency went light today. Significantly though, I had a good day with my co houseman. No cribbing and therefore a nice day. Excepting of course the fact that both of my seniors think that I'm not good.

May 28, 2006

Mixed bag

Yesterday's after-effect was hovering like a dark cloud in the morning. I had my Mallu breakfast and started work early for a Sunday. My senior took a round in the morning and it didn't turn out to be good. I was determined to prove him and his accusations wrong by putting in long hours. In that process I skip lunch and a teaching lecture (which was boring anyways).

I finished lmost everything by 7. I wanted to go to Xander's to at least play some bass if not jam. But I can't go until my senior's round is not over. In between, I found a listening ear in my room partner. He patiently listens to all my troubles. He's understanding and I'm very relieved immediately. All he has to give me as advice was that if you think that you are not good at work, then nobody can help you.

In the night, at around 11.30, I reach the apartment with Mallu food hoping to learn two songs - 'Big Empty' by the STP and 'Talk Shows on Mute' by the Incubus. I managed most of both very fast. I was so happy!

He also confided in me that there might be a small gig for us at a show on the 4th of July. I'm thrilled. WOW!

May 27, 2006

Seen a lot less worse days

This has to be a really important day in my life. The day when I was made to realize that I was doing something that I should not be doing, something that I was not good at. Or so it seemed. I am really depressed and down when I'm typing this. I really needed to talk to someone close to relieve myself. Unfortunately, I couldln't find neither the time or person suited.

What happened was the usual routine plus a little more. I had a repeat OT today as well. This meant that the only 'free' day we had from the weekly drag of a routine was also stolen away. Instead, we had to post cases for surgery and do it. This meant that stressful hours in the OT as well. Yesterday's treat had made sure that I didn't get any solid sleep, neither was I able to finish the work.

Therefore, in the theatre, I was reluctant to wash up. I was feeling tired and sleepy and had so much of work to finish up. The Murphy's law applied itself in its glory on me. The work took too much long to finish and before I was able to finish up, I was asked to wash up for the case. Naturally, I was shamefully tardy on the table. I got blamed. I felt very bad. I was told again that I was not fit for the career option that I had taken.

This put me off quite badly. I suddenly became quiet. That fear which is always lurking in the dark caverns of my mind suddenly grew up. If I was doing something that I didn't really want to, and when that thing was causing problems in my personal life including somewhere where I had some future in, then what crazy shit am I doing?

Anyway, that was over. Those really unhealthy comments still hurt after the case was over. Immediately after the case, I could have gone back to ward or to room. But at neither place was I ensured some private time where I could catch some sleep undisturbed. I opted for an ill ventilated room in the side room of the theatre. As I was dozing off, I got calls from three different persons. One was my co-houseman, another was a patient who was discharged about 2 months back.

The third was much more significant. And it had some grave news. My relative had expired some time back in the ward. It was my cousin calling and he said that they are taking the body away. I had to decide to lie to him that I was busy in the OT. That was my state at that time. And then I switched my phone off. About half an hour later, I was woken up by a servant for some silly reason. I was almost crying while explaining my situation and asking him to not disturb me henceforth.

After that, I dozed off again. A good 2 hours of sleep. I was feeling sort of okay after the nap. I went back to the ward. Got myself freshened up and took a round of the male ward while my senior came. The round went well till we reached upstairs. My senior was enraged to see a bed sore in a patient our professor had a personal interest in. Then he saw something else which blew the lid totally off. He fired me. Raw firing. He even told one relative that I was the sole reason why her money was going and patient was not improving.

Anyway, bad bad round. After the round, I'm almost in shambles. Life seemed to cave in. Then I realized that we were supposed to go for a treat today as well. I was not in a mood. Almost everything in ward was pending. I was hoping that my senior would not allow me to come. First he ordered me to finish up work and come if possible. Later, he realized that such an instruction would ensure that I wouldn't come which would probably dent his image at the treat (he would become a cruel dictator).

I was dragged into the treat. I tried to tell my senior that I was unwell. But he wouldn't listen to me. I went for the treat. Only physically. I was so far depressed that I isolated myself. I longed for a long conversation with one of my friends. I couldn't find anyone appropriate for the second day. I feel like shit. People realize that at the table. But nothing is spoken about. Everybody must have understood.

I had wine during the dinner. As I was coming back, I wanted to visit Xander's to give the remaining money. But, Xander was calling it a day early and I couldn't. I went back to the ward and tried starting work. But the sedative effect of depression, tiredness and wine were too much to control. I slept.

After an hour, I was woken up by a call which gave me a message to report me to the seniors room.

At 2 AM I go to my senior's room and hear about half an hour of shit. A lot of seriously depressing things about myself which further push me down the hole. After all, I go back to my room.

As I drift into my sleep I am fearful of the future I have here. I have a feeling that all my decisions in life have suddenly gone wrong and I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong place. I don't know how to get out of this shit.

May 26, 2006

Thing going not good

After a long time, I had to was up in a Spine Surgery today. But due to sleep deprivation and my tiredness, I was not able to put in my 100%. Even otherwise, I'm not technically that gifted in surgery and things. Because of my predisposition, I got myself blamed for being 'tardy', 'lazy' and 'uninterested' a few times. I felt bad in that situation.

In the night, as I was taking my round, one of the elderly women in my ward with a fracture suddenly deteriorated. I couldn't explain why. There seemed to a million relatives with that patient (as the patient was a part of the accident case the other day). I explained at the outset that the patient was very serious and we cannot say what would happen. But my instructions, as is the usual case these days, seemed to go to deaf ears. One reason is the alleged 'communication problem' that I had. Besides, they were natives of this state and understood marathi better than Hindi.

Either way, she expired soon and coincidentally, my registrar was the only one present when she died. I was in the male ward doing some procedure which was not that urgent. After all that, my registrar was visibly irritated with my total effort.

But still, went for a treat for the surgery that my registrar had done earlier in the day. The restaurant called 'Jishan' in Bandra had a 'Starter Festival'. We had plenty or okay quality starters. But, the treat took away precious time from my evening work time and I could not finish my work after that. I had to sleep in the ward and get up early. Still, a lot of work was pending.

May 25, 2006

The 'free' day

Today was a free day. Because it's the vacation time at the hospital, all of our 'qualifieds' were on leave and therefore no round was there. This means that there is absolutely no meaningless bullshit that we tend to do everyday before the round. That gave me time to finish up the work early. Yes, we had our OPD where I again felt awfully sleepy. But that's a different story.

In the night, after almost finishing up everything, I had to go visit my relative as my cousin from hometown was visiting him then. When I went to the ward, I was ashamed to see my relative in such a pitiful condition. Almost no quality care, two bedsores, the blood sugar level of 14 mg/dL (when anything below 45 is considered intolerable to life).

In my efforts to squirm from the situation, I managed to make it sound like the relative is still being 'worked up' for the final therapy. That way I was able to get away. Escaped, really.

May 24, 2006

First major forearm surgery

The morning at the OT saw me performing my major forearm surgery ever. I think I do okay. But my senior complains about my attitude, skill and aptitude for surgery. I feel obviously bad. But then, seniors are always meant to be mean.

Victor had indicated that he wanted to see me once more. But I had to cancel the treat due to unavoidable circumstances at the hospital. Xander had also called me up and asked me to pay for thre resto f the charges we're supposed tosplitl.

But I managed to still do something so exciting. I got a facial + head massage from my barber. Oh, it was so stimulating and relieving at the same time. I can't explain it. Massages by anyone is so haute. Imagining being massaged by a hot Dad! Before the massage, I did trim my beard but decide to have big sideburns. Now, it really looks weird.

May 23, 2006

Tuesday worries

I actually set out to the ward from the emergency quite early. On my way, I catch a nice breakfast with a copy of the DNA. As I'm heading to the ward, I get called from my seniors asking me to report back to the emergency. There was some mass casualty in the hospital.

There were about 6 patients from two different accidents lying in the casualty. After the initial confusion, things get sorted out. Then we head to the ward. I don't catch even a bit of sleep for the third emergency in running. I managed to run on my bath till evening. I had food with the servants in the male ward. Fantastic it was! Actually it was well made. Given the state of tiredness and hunger that often prevails in the life of a junior resident, it tasted like heaven really.

Finish the work early enough to return back to room. That's the biggest mistake that I do.

On such a tiring day, the room becomes a heaven as well as I forget the heat-sink like feel of it in the sweltering summer. Therefore, I sleep more and get up late. Too late. But still adjust and reach the OT in time.

May 22, 2006

The emregency went cool

Yeah! Like a pig I again wasted a pre-emergency day by staying up late to type in blog entries like this. I actually got up very late 9 AM. My OPD is supposed to be starting at 8.30 AM. But immediately I make up excuse citing the reason that my relative's bad in the ward. So I take my time to get to the OPD. Nobody fires. I'm gladly relieved.

From then on, the day went smoothly. The emergency went on cool. Nothing worth commenting on really. For the third emergency in running I was able to take a bath in the early hours of the morning. Nobody suspected that I did. But I felt so refreshed. It is a sad pity that the sytem here in the hospital (for junior residents) is so pathetic as to deny the basic need of getting freshened after a sleepless night.

May 21, 2006

Reunion with Xander

Yes, I got up late. Anyone would get up late if they hit bed after 5 AM. But I gather myself quickly and go the ward and start work. By afternoon, I finish most of it. My earlier messages and calls to Xander weren't met with replies. I was almost decided on going out with Victor when Xander calls. He asks me if I can make it for lunch. Well, I'm surprised because I don't expect a friendly vibe from him after what had happened.



I call Victor who's so understanding and he is okay with me going to the apartment. Xander wanted me to get my own lunch as they (he and his 'friend' Jonty) had already ordered. I go to my Mallu hotel and have my lunch. I buy a parcel of beef and paratha for Xander.



When I reach Jon's apartment, I am not sure what to expect. It is so perceptible in my initial few jerky responses to the greetings etc. from both Xander and Jon. But in a few minutes the ice is thawed thanks again, to Xander's sense of humor. The spirit of a little dampened when Xander says that we won't head to our new apartment one block across until the mercury dips. I don't understand they way to put across my craving to play and learn something on my bass like 'Talk Shows on Mute' by the incubus.



After a bit of coaxing, we finally head to our new apartment. There, we first set up the equipment. Xander's guitars were not still there. We were going to jam with my Classical Guitar. After sometime, Xander says that he wants to learn 'Lighting Crashes' by the 'Live'. We learn that well. We even record the song. I sill find myself not on the bass. I grab the bass and we finally jam like how we used to. We have proof of our combination being good in the recordings that came after that.



In between, there are other things we talk about. The most important things is that Xander got a huge pay raise. I am so happy for him. Now the financial shithole seemed a little less deep. I also gave him a measure of my personal life with Victor. Again, like the first time, he is neutral. Not too surrpised. Not disinterested.



After a little time, both of Xander's erswthile 'friends-bastards' come into the picture. The recordings go uncomfortable after that. Mainly because I can't figure out what they are still doing in Xander's life after what had happened a year back. The final recordings are sttilll awesome. Therefore, it is great result of a meeting which I had expected to go bad.



Later in the night, my pending work forces me to cancel the date with Victor. Again, he's so understanding. I'm moved by his gestures like this. He's so considerate.



Then, I finish my work in the wards and head back to room. I have plenty of blog entries to make. Just like any other pre-emergency day, I act like a fool and end up waking till late night typing all this.



Ha ha. So addicted to this!

May 20, 2006

Slumber before the second date

It has been exactly 1 million, 23 crore, 65 lakh, 43, 943 days since I had an afternoon nap like this. Of course, I'm lying. I'm exaggerating that too. But it seems like it has been an eternity. The whole day at the OT didn't actually materialize. Instead I was free by afternoon. I wanted to go for a movie. I had plans to go for a date with Victor. I had a plan to go to my apartment and sort things out with Xander.



Eventually, nothing happened. About 50 seconds into the the first half of the Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring, I fell into a deep slumber. I got up about 5 hours after. One of my seniors was found to be knocking on my door. He wanted my computer to help format his HD.



I took a shower and then went to the ward. I* was putting on formals as I just wanted to try them out with Victor. I had promised Victor that I would meet him late night. I tried best to finish off the work in the wards. But that didn't happen. Instead, with pending work, I decided head to Colaba, our meeting place. I had to have dinner as well. There was the second ODI between India and West Indies going on live in the Sports Bar next to the Regal (where we had agreed to meet). I went to the Barista's next door and had my favorite dessert 'Dark Temptation' along with a large capuccino. Plus of course, 4 glasses of water. I felt full.



Half-expecting guards to deny me permission to enter the Sports bar because of lack of space, I go. I am absolutely surprised to find lots of vacant spaces. I choose a double table and ask the waiter to get the menu. While going through the menu, I decide to give Victor a message. As I was typing, I realize that he's standing in front of me. I'm surprised and glad that he's there after all.



He looked as cute has he looked the other day. With a welcoming smile. We shift to a more comfortable couch. Over the loud music, we talk. Rather, I talk. About my life. As usual, my mouth cannot just zip up. In between we order for mugs of beer. We also talk about Xander and his journey. We don't try to make out. In fact he asks me if it would be embarassing for me if he kissed me. A tough question. Well, I should say 'no'. But I would still say no to the kiss because it would create problems.



After the drink, we walk to the Gateway. There we talk for some more time. He lights up a cigarette. I surely don't want him to smoke. But I can't stress my point enough. I guess he'll realize that when he reads this.



We don't share a parting kiss. I drive back to the hospital. No emotional upsets. Everything is balanced. That's great.



Later on, I complete the boring paper work watching the rest of the match. As I watch Yuvraj getting bowled by Dwayne Bravo in what became the last ball of the match, the clock showed 4.15 AM. I had just finished my work. I come back to room and learn 'George Michael's' 'Careless Whispers' chords.



That is quite strange. George Michael is fine. But Careless Whispers?

May 19, 2006

OT day again?

Today, due to fortunate or unfortunate coincidences, I was not washed up in any of the surgeries. That way I could get some free time for rest. At the end of all, I screwed myself up by informing sir the actual information about the OT (or the lack of cases in another unit). That meant that I have to spend the whole of tomorrow again in the OT. Boring it is.

May 18, 2006

The OPD day

The day of the OPD is usually dull with monotonous work to do. Lots of officially boring stuff including checking of the files of patients who are posted for surgery on the next day to make sure that everything's alright. It is so boring but so useful. Useful becuase even one 'bad' report that we keep in the file will mean a couple of hours of extra work for me. You guys might not understand it. But it is like that.



Having said all this, I'm one of those guys who doesn't like such alterations of the file. Therefore, I lead a miserable life.

May 17, 2006

Heavy duty

This has to be one of the heaviest 24 hour shifts after joining my residency. Yesterday, I had slept off at the ward itself. I got up early to get a shower. From then until now, I've been working like crazy. What happened in between is too long and needs precious sleeping time. Therefore, I'm just saying that I'm lazzzzzZZZZZy.

May 16, 2006

The beard comes off

I had so many plans to make a alternate facial hair pattern that it was confusing and therefore, my facial hair went for the axe. Paradoxically, it was an enjoyable experience. I had actually made plans to go to a fashionable saloon nearby and ask for ideas. In the evening, when I had a couple of hours to catch up on sleep, I went for my date with the barber. I tried the more fashionable spots first. None was free to do my beard at that time. Therefore, I eventually went to the silverdaddy barber who I enjoying 'giving my head' to. For cutting hair that is.



There, in between interruptions thanks to an irritating mom and son combination, I enjoyed a hair-cut, a shave and a head massage. Oh it was so wonderful. I felt so bloody fresh that someone could have cut me up for a green salad.



On the other hand, the double header was tiring. Besides, I got firing from my new registrar. Lots of it. Much similar to the way the 'he-bitch' used to fire me. The feeling now is sinking in that the problem lies within. ME. That is the main problem.

May 15, 2006

In the middle of the Double Header

The double emergency indeed is tiring. With me being the last one to go to sleep (yes, I managed to get a couple of hours of nap), and the first to get up, I feel tired now. The tiredness because of lack of sleep is unexplainable really. When I look at something, I miss out on what is around it. Something like a narrowed field of vision. Drowsiness makes me try to concentrate on the thing which I'm giving attention to more. Which sort of short-sights my vision. Well, whatever.



The bad news is that the patient who I operated yesterday has expired. I don't know the exact reason of death. Therefore, the post-mortem was ordered for. Whatever it may be, I hope it is nothing related to utterly haste that we practiced, in patient's interests of course, to get him operated.



The air of protest is swarming across the campus. Black band day was observed (I'm not wearing one, I don't know where to get them from) and there is a protest march in Azaad Maidan. The general feel is that we aren't heading for a strike. But nothing is fixed, is it?



Apart from all such serious issues, the beard that I'm growing is giving me itchiness. I don't know if I'll look good with the beard. But I'm willing to take the chance. I can't dare to grow a mush alone as I think it won't be thick enough.

May 9, 2006

Timelesness

Bleeding bitches, the last two weeks have been so eventful that I've
not been able to find time to put them down on the blog. Which means
that when I eventually do, with adequate time, they are going to be
readable posts! I've got thunderbolts in personal life; in the good
and the bad way. Besideas, I've gained another good friend. And, last
but not the least, I've found a date and have started dating! ;)

May 6, 2006

blah

blah

Back on mah very own 'puter

I'm writing this at bloody 4 AM. Reconfirming my craziness time and again. But I need to re-start writing somewhere right? It's been about 10 days. My to-be-date Victor has already reminded me of the lack of entries. Apparently, he's very much hooked on to my blog and it's craziness. Good for us.



In the week after I bought my computer, I couldn't find time to sit on it and type. That is the fucking paradox. What would anyone think when I say that I don't find useven the kind of time that I used to find in the last three months. That's because I'm working in a new unit from the 1st of this month. A new unit doesn't mean just change of wards or patients. It means a total shift of paradigm; that's what you would expect an MBA to say. But then, cliches are fun to use.



Yeah, my paradigm shift. My ass. However cheap it looks/sounds, it is true. I'm at at totally new ward. New personnel to work with. The uneasiness of strangeness and the expectable edginess in the routine conversations creeps in. Everybody seems to be unsure of the new colleague(s). That happens everywhere.



But in my case, I came from a triple emergency. 3 out of 4 days was an emergency. The one day out of that was spent totally for my computer. Therefore, I was extremely tired. Besides, my co-houseman now is not as co-operative as my other houseman. The new one is awesome in his managerial skills. He is like a rolls-royce. Mean, efficient, well-oiled machine. But is not warm and friendly. Therefore, problems evolved. Other unimaginably creepy situations also contributed to this literary exile.



But the most important thing is that I'm back. With a lot to write. A lot is happening around me and my life. Things like my new computer and a possible new apartment etc. Big stuff. Keep looking at this space.