Feb 28, 2005

Helping fools

Last week, I’d posted at least twice about my uninhibited generosity in terms of help to people around me. I spent a good part of today helping someone who does not, by most standards, deserve it.



I helped a senior colleague of mine, a dumb woman actually, to prepare a topic presentation. The last time she did something of this sort, she was mangled by the chairing professor. She had seemed so naïve at that point. I thought that she must be helped. But my attitude changed once I started working with her. Apart from the fact that she is far from being intelligent, and that she is one of the lazy kind of persons who don’t believe in knowing what they are about to talk on, two particular things made me change my attitude about her.




  • A delusion that she held which came up in a conversation. She believes that the ‘gas’ from her stomach travels up the esophagus and and gets stuck at the base of skull and causes headache. For a medical professional, such banal notions are highly gross.
  • When we started engaging in conversation over a cup of coffee at a restaurant, she started talking about how naughty her son was. She tried to give me an example; an incident which happened 8 years back. She started describing a room in which the event occurred. She started describing the walls, furniture, lamps, tables, the objects kept on it, the approximate arrangement of the furniture, the proximity of a nearby tree to a particular window of the room etc. It carried on for about 20 minutes (I’m not joking here) and then she came to the point. She said that her son had climbed on the table to get her mobile phone and started playing with it. That is it. For this she had to waste 20 minutes of mine. That is totally revolting.


I guess you wouldn’t have a problem in deciding if you help such a person.

Feb 27, 2005

Starting shifting chores

Today, I started doing shifting-chores before I shift my arse out of my home town to the metropolitan city. Curiously enough, I started out with the re-building of my mp3 collection. I am very sad to admit that my once-enormous collection of Rock/Alternative songs has been destroyed thanks to a few 'friends' of mine. They simply lost the CDs or didn't return them back. I used to be one of the pioneers in that genre in my home town. In fact, my mp3 collection was copied and pirated all throughout southern India if I'm not over-estimating.



I want to be meticulous in this aspect. Therefore I started searching for some software that would help me sort my mp3 collection with ID3 tags etc. I spent 12 hours of a perfect Sunday doing that. Finally, in the night I found one which seems good enough for the purpose.



In between, I took my mother to watch Black, the movie which I fell in love with 9 days back. She seemed to have liked it. If you are asking me why I took the initiative to take her out to watch a movie instead of Ray or Chuck, I'd say that it was an shallow effort from my side to impress my mother and making her believe that I'm still interested in doing things other than fighting with her.

Feb 26, 2005

Movies this past week

I watched three movies this week. All DVDs on my computer. They were so fucken different in all respects. I'll just trying to act as if I'm a stinking overpaid critic of a glossy film magazine here by writing my personal reviews. I must warn you that the films are numbered according to the order that I started watching them.



1 - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets




  • Story - awful
  • Acting - awful
  • Animation - awful


Actually, I couldn't watch the whole movie. I swear I tried hard. But it is almost impossible. Especially the kid who plays Mr. Potter's best friend role. He has early must have a juvenile variant of Parkinson's - fixed surprised/scared expression all throughout the movie.



2 - Finding Nemo




  • Story - aweseome
  • Animation - awesome
  • Screenplay - awesomer
  • Voice-over - great
  • Fun - lots


Unlike the retro-disney films, Pixar films like Toy Story, Finding Nemo and the recently released The Incredibles have the cool, spunky attitude. I hate the regular Disney films like The Lion King and Aladdin etc. I firmly believe that they are meant only for kids under the age of 1 year and 2 months & for those demented persons about 87 years of age.



3 - Fahrenheit 9/11




  • Theme - very very relevant
  • Punch - refined, calculated mockery
  • Editing - could have been better
  • Director - Love Michael Moore


The first 1 hour or so of the movie is really good to watch. But enter the Average-American-Family-Son-Who-Joined-The-Military-And-Died-In-War part, it is boring. For an foreigner like me, I think that part is a little over highlighted. But Mr. Moore must have intended the movie for an Average-American-Family-Man. Ergo, it is fine.

Feb 25, 2005

The change

Last week, I posted about the outburst from my parents when I didn't 'help' them learn the working of a mobile phone.



Today, I watched them happily exchange short messages with my sister. They had learned quite a bit. Last week, I asked Chuck about his problems while he taught his parents how to use a mobile. He admitted that it was hard. His Mom, who is pretty knowledgeable, still doesn't understand SMSes.



Comparitively, my folks are already much better. But I think that they can still learn a lot.



I think what I did initially, which outraged my parents, was right. But I want them to say it to my face. That won't happen, would it?

A nice one on Chuck

The other day I was at Chuck’s place and we were about to go out for a dinner party in a restaurant in the city. Chuck was in the shower. I was talking with his folks. (For those unaware, his Dad (Mr. Sreex) is such a hot ‘Dad’ that I have an irresistible but controlled crush on him. Chuck knows that I do and does have some fears about me visiting his place.)



We heard someone at the gate. Mr. Sreex went to see who they were. Apparently they were from a nearby temple and were collecting funds for a festival. Mr. Sreex had to pay Rs. 100 but he didn’t have change. He asked me if I had change for Rs. 500. I had and I handed him over 5 hundred rupee notes. He paid the guys at the gate. After this, he settled in his new ‘easy-chair’ watching TV while I went to Chuck’s room and grabbed a book to read.



Around the time when Chuck came out of the shower, I saw Mr. Sreex going into his bedroom. A couple of minutes later he came back and waltzed into Chuck’s room and said ‘Here’ and handed me over a Rs. 500 note. I nodded and took out the note from his hand and put it in my pocket.



Chuck, not realizing what had happened, was dumbfounded. I can imagine what thoughts must have gone through his mind when his sexy hot father hands an earnest, principled and skilled cocksucker like me half a grand. Later I explained what had happened and he smiled. I love this.

Feb 24, 2005

Webcam jinx

Sometimes I wonder why I haven’t yet tried to get myself a webcam. Especially because the main source of my sexual gratification is through the internet. Let’s be honest here. 95% of my contacts in the category ‘sex’ (Oh yes, I have such a category) also happen to come under the category ‘internet’. You can express this skewed relationship in a diagram like this.





How do I explain this? I think I’m worried about these reasons.




  • That those who watch me won’t like my face.
  • That those who watch me won’t like my body.
  • That those who watch me won’t like my dick.
  • I’ll commit myself to more and more of such viewing when I’m not comfortable with doing it.


But I still feel that I’m not returning the favor of about a half a dozen people who have bothered to show themselves (read stripping themselves to nudity). But I can’t help it. I’ve a big issue about my own physical appearance.



For those who noticed an haunting similarity of this post to those of Maddox's The Best Page in The Universe - http://maddox.xmission.com
must note that such a similiarity is unintentional and can only be attributed to pure chance/coincidence.



(1, 34, 245 persons thought that the style of this post is copied from Maddox's page - The Best Page in The Universe.)

Feb 23, 2005

Exhibitionist Doctor

Chuck never believes when I state, with statistical backing of course, the prevalence of male homosexuality in our hometown. He still hold firm on the belief that I’m making all this up. I quote from Ray’s gazillion experiences while cruising, without mentioning his name of course.



Similarly I, being interesting a variety sexual perversions like voyeurism, undinism, exhibitionism etc, also argue about their prevalence. He doesn’t buy my story.



But something has changed it all. I had told him about a 60+ doctor in my neighborhood who is well known for his unnatural tendencies. He is a notorious exhibitionist and womanizer. There used to be a time about 3 years back when I used to take my dog out for a walk in the morning to see his package in its full glory while he will be sitting on the porch of his home. He would be wearing a ‘lungi’ folded up so high that the only thing it covers is an area about 3 mm north and south of his groin fold. I told him about this guy. But still, he refused to believe me.



Yesterday, when he was giving me a ride home on his motorcycle, he saw it. It was late in the evening. We were riding past this Doctor’s house and there he was standing in front of the gate to his house with his butt facing us – I mean the real ‘buttocks’ facing us. He was wearing his traditional high-riding lungi alright. This time he was pulling it up with his hands to show us his ass.



I hope I manage to make him see some male-on-male action – real-time that is.

Feb 22, 2005

My Gaydar

It is hard for me to deny the quality of my own Gaydar. Months back, when I compiled this WHILTHS list, Marlon Brando was near the top. I now know that it is not just me who has the same idea. Check it out here.

Feb 21, 2005

Angry folks

Two weeks back, I got my parents a mobile connection. Since then, I've been trying to make them understand how to make things work. Inexplicably, I've very little patience for them.



I have tried telling them the basics in navigating through the menus etc. But they don't grasp that at all. When they repeatedly ask me dumb queries, I get really pissed.



Finally, I suggested that they use the user manual available with the phone and figure their way out themselves. Still, they repeat the mistakes.



Today, while I was having dinner watching a delightful episode of Spongebob Squarepants, my Dad was trying to send a message to my sister. He failed thrice. He asked me help thrice. All the three times, I said you can figure it out with the manual.



That is it. He exploded. He asked me to get myself out of the house and take the mobile, the computer and all the other things that I use with me.



I feel bad. But it did reconfirm the fact that the decision I took to move out of home forever is wise.

Feb 20, 2005

No replies yet

This is starting to look suspicious. The new older man on the block has not e-mailed me after promising to do that. It is now two days since he gave me the message. I think he is too scared to divulge his identity.

Feb 19, 2005

!!!!

You are not going to believe this. Definitely not. Not in a million years time. I was hit on by another Dad from my very own hometown on an international website for admirers of SilverDaddies - Silverdaddies.com. Come on! Pinch me. Bite me. I'm still not convinced that this is not a dream!



When I found Mr. Lion in there, I thought that I was the luckiest person on earth. How else can you explain the fact that I could find someone who is interested in older male sex in my hometown? Now I found another!



The thing which is even more unbelievable is that Ray was not as excited about it when I told him this fact. In fact he downplayed the whole thing. I'm totally confused here. I thought that he is the one who should be more interested in such a development. Why?




  • He doesn't wear metallic braces which can hurt tender appendages.
  • He is going to remain here for another year at the least.
  • He is more into cruising than me.


Yet, he is still not excited. Not half as excited as I'm. How odd!

How to express anger and be succesful

Yesterday, I read this article on expressing anger and getting ahead in life. It does seem contradictory. But it applies to me. Here, I'm struggling with not being able to express my anger towards other properly. That really hurts me. Like it did last month. I wish I could just start expressing my true feelings always.






For many people, especially women, much of their mental energy goes into stuffing their feelings so far down they don't even know they have them. They spend their lives pleasing others and seeking the approval of everyone but themselves.



"We are nobodies. We are in hiding. We don't know who we are," says psychologist Emilie Ross Raphael, Ph.D., of Chapel Hill, North Carolina. She means "we" not in the collective sense but in the personal sense. She includes herself among those who have -- or in her case, had -- to learn how to be honest about her own feelings.



Typically, says Raphael, the problem involves always saying "yes" when often you mean "no." And, the resolution typically comes down to giving yourself permission to feel angry -- and finding the courage to say what's on your mind without fear of losing the love of others.



Until this happens, it's not possible to have a healthy relationship. Hurt feelings are inevitable in relationships, bound to arise in a fast-paced world of imperfect communication between people.



The trick is speaking them. That requires expressing anger appropriately -- one of the great challenges of being a grownup and managing ourselves. More often, people hold their feelings in. Then, at some minor infraction, they explode out of proportion to the cause -- often bewildering everyone around them.



It's not an overnight process. You have to learn to set limits with others -- and to move your sources of approval inward. "This is the story of my life," says Raphael.



"It comes from having hard-to-please parents who set high standards. When we grow up, we carry the critical parents around in our head. We become the critical ones. We are, for example, forever discounting compliments. And, we maintain a low self-image by selectively focusing on negative input from those around us."



For starters, you have to begin to think of anger as a constructive emotion. It's a signal that your feelings are hurt, and you must move into conflict resolution.



Here is Raphael's advice for expressing anger appropriately:





  1. Examine whether your current anger, resentment or hurt feelings are the tip of a much larger iceberg. How long have you had such feelings? If you get upset with your husband for going out with his buddies for an evening, maybe it really isn't about that instance. Perhaps the reason that you are upset has more to do with how much of himself he generally gives to you, and your feeling that it isn't enough.

  2. Learn to be brave. If you feel that you are easily intimidated into backing down, write down your feelings and give your writing to the other person.

  3. Don't make blaming statements. Conflict resolution begins with the understanding that truth is relative. So much depends on one's perspective, and none of us has a lock on the whole picture of anything. Nevertheless, most people start with exactly the most destructive question: Who is right and who is wrong? Two people spend time trying to convince the other of the rightness of his or her own position. But, in fact, most disagreements are based on interpretations that come directly from private experiences in life, not some verifiable truth.


The single best way to resolve conflict is to listen to the other party. Most people just want to be heard. It is a basic form of validation. And, often the solution suggests itself from what is spoken.





  1. Allow your partner to express his or her grievances. This is a good thing, because otherwise these feelings build walls between people.
  2. Take responsibility for your part in creating problems. Ask yourself: How did my actions and the things I've said or failed to say help to create this situation or crisis?
  3. It's the final step that people most commonly fall short on -- accepting responsibility for making things better.


"You need to seek out what will make the situation better in the future so this situation doesn't arise again," observes Raphael. "Further, you need to tell the other person, "this is what I need from you now to make things better." You need to take responsibility for what will fix it now! Is it merely listening? Is it an apology? Most people miss this piece."



Hara Estroff Marano is Editor-At-Large of Psychology Today magazine and Editor-In-Chief of Psychology Today's Blues Buster, a newsletter about depression. An award-winning writer on human behaviour, Hara's articles have appeared in publications including the New York Times, Smithsonian, Family Circle and The Ladies Home Journal. She lives in New York City.

Feb 18, 2005

Black is awesome - spoiler

The other big thing was 'Black'. And it was huge. For those unaware, 'Black' is a Hindi/English motion picture directed by Sanjay Leela Bhansali. I think it is one of the best movies that I've ever seen. For those who haven't seen the movie, there is spoiler in between the lines. Skip that and read on.






It is about a deaf and dumb girl who is spoilt by the freedom given by the family. When she's about 8 the family decide to get her a teacher. This teacher, a man with an alcohol problem, is an eccentric who specialises in teaching such deaf and dumb children.



The teacher gets so involved in this, he wreaks havoc at the household. Despite initial failures, he gets around the problems he faces and connects with the kid. He shapes her into an independent person and she even gets admission to a regular college (for normal people). There, he sits with her and explains what the lecturer is saying in class. She is able to understand and learn everything but is unable to type in fast enough in brail to pass the exams.



During this phase, the teacher develops symptoms of Alzheimer's. He has difficulty in adjusting to his new life situation; full of vanishing memories. In between, the girl, who by now is a beautiful woman, starts to think of falling in love. She is unable to understand what it is but dearly wants to do fall in love. For that she sees the only option - her teacher. She proposes to him. But he can't fall in love with her. Therefore, he disappears.



But she fights hard, and graduates. She is very sad that her dear teacher isn't there to see her graduate. She spends a lot of years waiting for him. Finally he arrives, but in a state of fully set Alzheimer's. The doctors have left all hopes of bringing his memories back. But she tries hard, and becomes his teacher.






The cinematography was awesome. Background scores were soothing, inspiring even. The script was well written. Acting was superlative - especially for the characters of the young and the older woman. Everything was good about the movie.



I urge everyone to watch this. It is that good.

Unipolar Hemiarthroplasty

On the day on which I did my first ever Orthapaedic major surgery called 'Unipolar Hemiarthroplasty', something even bigger happened. Since I committed myself big time in the first part of the sentence before, I might as well as dwell on that for sometime.



Yes, I did something huge. Yesterday night, I spent about 6 hours refreshing everything about the particular surgery as well as about a million pages of anatomy pertaining to that particular region.



On the morning, I reached the theatre very early. The case was posted first on the list. My Prof explained the procedure that he was about to let me perform. I was a little surprised to know that he was doing it in his very own custom way. At first, I was a bit disappointed with that. Later on in the day, I came to know that he is so good at this surgery that he does this major surgery in 8 fucken minutes. Skin to skin that is.



I did almost everything in the surgery. My general surgical technique which could best be termed as jurassic, delayed the surgery by 10 minutes more than the average time taken by an expert surgeon (around 30 minutes). I am very happy to admit that I was better than what I had hoped to be. I think my Professor was in general satisfied with my performance.



I was planning to buy the whole unit lunch -- a Biriyani. But some gaps in communication meant that the plan didn't materialize.



Anyway, I did something huge. And I'm in love with my Prof more than ever. No, not in true 'Love'; in it's purest meaning... but stil. I also learnt that he is one of the most gifted surgical hands that I can hope to work with. Thinking of it, I knew that right from the start. I firmly believe that a gay person can look at someone and say that they are gifted. I also firmly believe that such a skill is not possessed by any straight person.



I think this post has become so self-centric that I'll post again about the other BIG thing which happened today.

Feb 17, 2005

Help me someone!

I got insulted by my chief. Well not directly, but indirectly. In front of the whole class in the morning. I'll need to explain it.



There is an area at the back of the hand which is referred to as the 'coin area' of the hand in textbooks of Orthopaedics and neurology. It is the area of the back of the hand at the base of the thumb, 2nd and 3rd fingers which becomes prominent on making a fist or a thumbs up gesture. If you want to know the medical relevance, it is the area supplied solely by a nerve of the upper limb called Radial Nerve.



I am interested in the derivations of such names. I think that it is derived from the fact that it is the area of the hand which is used to catch the coin during a flip (or a toss).



Today, in the class, he said that 'someone' had this mistaken stupid notion. Now I want to prove him wrong.



I'm very desparate. I tried to search the Encyclopaedia Britannica at the local library. Nothing was there in there. In the internet, I found just two pages -





Can someone find if my belief is true. I would be extremely grateful to anyone who came up with the answer.

Feb 16, 2005

Chuck's back

Chuck's back from his honeymoon which was almost ruined by the coldwave up north. He confessed that the cold weathere didn't really spoil all the 'fun'. I saw the photos. Some of them are awesome. The ones in the snow really stole my attention. And I'm immensely relieved to know that Nikon Camera that I bought him is working.



He is considerate. He bought be a sweatshirt like Tee Shirt. The color is aarghish. But still, it is fine.



And we are back on without much of problems. I'm relieved that my recent problems with him didn't raise their ugly head once again.

Feb 15, 2005

Proving others wrong

I have this insatiable urge to prove others wrong. Is this another obsession? There are instances in the hospital where people just say something and don't have explanations for it. When I come back home and refer it up, sometimes I find that what they said is wrong. Plain rubbish bullshit.



The next day, I go upto them and say it plain and straight to their faces - 'You said bullshit yesterday.'



I extract immense pleasure from this act.

Feb 14, 2005

I'm totally past it

Yes. It is official. The dump just got filled. I'm out of my depression. Take a look at this. I even came up with a chemical formula for this.



Kris_down + (2 movies + Ray + recording a song) --> Kris_normal + 2 CO2 + 44 H20



Today, I had a great day at the hospital. I did something new today. My chief was impressed with something else that I had done. He has promised me to perfor a major surgery next week! Oh wow!



I tried re-recording the bass line in my new song which is called 'Oddity'. I did write something lyrically for it. But I don't think what I wrote fits in. I have to re-write.



Then I had this queer dream. No, nothing associated with sex. 'Queer' as in odd, different. I dreamt that I lost my mobile phone in a bus. The story goes like this. I'm in the back seat of the bus. The bus falls into a gutter. It shakes me up so much, the mobile phone which I was holding flew out of my hands and landed on someone's lap 6 rows (yes, I remember that. It is just 6) ahead.



No one else notices it. That is strange. I think I'll get it back from the guy as I get down at my stop. But when the train arrives at the stop, I realize that the guy has just disappeared. With my mobile. I have lost yet another electronic gadgetry.



Then the mobile phone rang. In real life dumbo. It was Chuck on the other end. He just called up to ask what is happening. He will take another day to arrive. And is not planning to join the hospital immediately. Apparently Sreex's birthday is on Friday and they are going to celebrate.



When he hangs up, I began to worry. I had lost my mobile. And I'm sweaty because somewhere in the sleep, I had switched of the ceiling fan. I take a look at myself in the mirror. Whoa! That is what you called horrible. I need a hair cut.



I go out and have one in the barber shop that I have been going to since I was a kid. There is a hot Dad there. But I never get to get done by him. Just about always, I am attended to by the non-hot guy.



Today too, I just missed getting done by the hot Dad. But, I got a lot of talk time with him. He is a diabetic, heart-patient etc and he consults me regularly. I had a detailed talk with him. This is one real advantage with being a doctor. You can initiate almost everyone into talking about there ailments. The sad bit is that I get hardons using that. Perverted? Yeah, whatever!



Then I do something which defines gayness. I go to the supermarket and buy a shit load of stuff like deos, hair gels and shampoos. I buy something that I've never tested. And I spend about 40 minutes for selecting these. And I don't buy anything other than these.



After this I hang out at my friend's place. There again, I get to use my role as a doctor to good effect. I guess being a doc helps you out immensely in such social situations.



And now I'm back home. Looking back at the day, I can definitely say that I'm back!

Feb 13, 2005

Double bill

The weekend on a bluesy weekend should have been dull. But I enjoyed the Sunday very much. First of all I recorded something new. And it sounds okay. I experimented with the bass quite a lot. But the only real problem lies in the tone that I extract out of my electric guitar through my marshall amp. I guess it will take a lot of time to get better.



That must have been the potion. I had planned to go for a movie - Ocean's 12 to be specific - with Ray in the evening. We did just that. I thought the movie was fantastic. I mean, it is so fast-paced you can't miss a scene. It is totally intelligent sort of a movie. Add to it a lot of good screenplay and George Clooney -- Oooh it was awesome!



The surprising thing was that our evening didn't end just like that. We had dinner at our favorite restaurant and then went for another movie - National Treasure. It can't be compared with Ocean's 12. But still I enjoyed the latter half of the movie.



I think I'm past the nadir, of my depression that is.

Feb 12, 2005

A trip to the mountains

Today, I went for that trip with my colleagues at the hospital. We went to a hilly area with streams and waterfalls. Almost everyone in the gang except me, Prof and another hot assistant professor got themselves drunk and made a mess of themselves. I honestly despise alcoholism. I think that I’ve begun to hate people on this behalf.



On the positive side, I got to the see the awesome chest of my professor while we were bathing/swimming in a pool. That could compete with my e-friend Al’s chest. Besides, I got to the the package as well. But no naked shots. I was semi-disappointed because of that.



And I noticed that my Prof was in great condition. He didn’t pant or complain during trekking. He is also a good swimmer.



Oh and he sang well too. I played guitars while he sang a few songs without much of hassle!



How I wish I could get him to have sex with me!

Feb 11, 2005

Priority list's fucked

There are times when I really think I need to look at myself in the mirror. Not at the physical mirror; metaphorically instead. The self appreciation in front of the physical mirror is practiced regularly by me. I guess I look myself at the physical mirror much more than any normal man would do. But much less than any true gay man would. Anyway, back to the metaphorical mirror.



One reason is that I still don’t understand the priorities of my life. Which one of these do I value most? I’ll list them in the order what I think should be my order of preference.


  1. Profession
  2. Music
  3. Sex
  4. Other hobbies
  5. Helping others




I feel that I need to excel in my professional field not because I want to help cure the sufferers, but because I need to praised, credited for or appreciated for the service that I do. Not just be my peers, but by the other staff who work with me and also by patients and relatives. Of course, considering that I live in India, I need to support myself to entertain my other priorities.



Then comes the million dollar question – Had I enough and more money to support myself right now, would I choose medicine or music as a career. NOW is important. I think I might choose music because I think that gives me more creative options. I sincerely think that I’m more blessed in music that doctorship.



Then comes sex. Lately I’ve realized that even though I want music and profession higher than sex on my list, I might just love sex more than either. That is a rude shock kind of thing to me. Take a look at what I do in real life. I want to be appreciated MOSTLY by men who are sexually appealing to me. Therefore, sex might just be the thing on top.



Considering the fact that I go to great length trying to help everyone and sacrifice profession, music and sex as a result, shouldn’t that be on the top? The reason is still the same – I need to be appreciated.



I currently am considering developing photography, web designing, reading and sports are other hobbies when I’m not getting time for developing my favorite hobby.



Finally, when you look back at the list again, I think it is actually like this.




  1. Helping others
  2. Sex
  3. Music
  4. Profession
  5. Other hobbies



This looks fucked. How am I ever going to be successful in life?

Feb 10, 2005

Problems at the hospital

As I mentioned earlier, I feel that most of my colleagues (in my specialty) are not all that receptive for academic discussions especially when they involve accepting other point of views. That is bothering me a lot. Yesterday, I spent a night at the theatre. Late in the night, I tried to engage in a discussion. Of course, it was about 3 AM in the morning. But then, I received a sordid response.



Might this affect me in my career?

Feb 8, 2005

Chuck's Dad day 2

Today, I engaged in an academic argument with almost everyone about a particular Xray. I was amazed by the lack of flexibility of concepts and inability to accept a different opinion amongst my colleagues.



The rest of the afternoon was spent in running around for Chuck’s application form.



In the evening, I was treated to something special. Chuck’s father (Mr. Sreex) called me and informed me that a SIM card for a new mobile phone connection that I was taking for my parents was ready. He said I can come and take it anytime in the evening. Since I had to go to my friend A.’s place to start on another favor, I decided to club both.



When I reached Chuck’s home, Mr. Sreex dressed seductively in a ‘lungi’ (and only that; nothing under) was watering his plants. I went in and he greeted me in.. We engaged in conversation. This time a little more complicated. I initiated various topics including hobbies, post-retirement plans etc. He showed me pictures from the wedding function.



Then I recalled that I had to get my Father’s ID card (which I had given him for the purpose of the mobile connection) from him. When I asked about it, he said he had given it to Chuck. Since my father was pestering me with this issue on a daily basis, I asked if I could search for it. Mr. Sreex offered to call Chuck up. This happened hence.



As usual, I could see his groin folds over his lungi, that’s how low he wore those. He had double-folded the lower portion so that about half of his thighs were visible. Therefore, just his prize-area was out of my line of vision. As he was talking to Chuck he casually scratched his thigh and rode up the lungi up so high that his testicles were visible. He continued to scratch himself. Guilty conscience was striking me hard at that time. Anyway, he handed over the phone to me and there ended the episode.



That was so sexy of him. He is a little devil!

Hot Dad from Texas

These days, I’m getting to chat with a really hot Dad from Texas. He is called Al and he regularly shows himself on the cam. I think he is a great person and a sexy Dad to look at.

Feb 7, 2005

Chuck's Dad day 1

Doing errands for Chuck is works out fine because I get to see his Dad sometimes. Today, I had to go to his place and I know that his Dad is alone. I had a slab of the world famous ‘Aluva’ for him which I had bought while I came back from the conference. I called him up and went. I had to take a lot of certificates, photographs etc from there.



Since he had to meet someone urgently, he left me at the house. I tried to engage in light chat with him. And it worked. We worked out a good conversation. I enjoyed it at least.

Back in the hospital

I’m back as ‘nobody’ in the hospital. The question which used to hear about thrice every day - ‘Aren’t you going to start your course?’ is getting more frequent.



But still, I’m enjoying my stint. I hope to make something out of the last two months as well.

Favors for Chuck

Chuck is now enjoying his honeymoon up in the Himalayas. This ain’t the best time for visiting the mountain range. It is coldwave time there. Very cold, avalanches and unexpected snowfalls.



He had called me to do a few favors after I came back from the conference. One of them involved submitting an application form for an exam. He had asked me despite the fact that there were other persons writing the exam who were free to do this. When I told Ray about this, Ray says that Chuck trusts me more than anyone else.



If that is the case, I’m not doomed.

Feb 6, 2005

Last day

On the third day as well, I was depressed. I think everyone felt that I was acting different. But whenever someone asked me, I denied that fact. Similarly all similar insults hurt me more. Those included gay bashing as well. The only respite came from the fact that I was able to see up-close THE hottest politician in my state today. He was on the train back home. Boy he is sooooo hot! This is an old photograph of his. He is so much hotter now.

Feb 5, 2005

2nd day - worse

It is being an alcoholic which is problematic. Not being an alcoholic should shield you from problems. But it isn’t. Look at me. I’m discriminated against because of this. This continued today as well. Because of yesterday’s incident, I decided that whatever is going to happen is not going to change if I have beer which is something that I don’t like. Therefore I didn’t even have beer.



Instead, I tried to enjoy a rock show held by a local band. Their bassist was awesome. I was very impressed by some of the covers they did. But my colleagues, those drunkards, insulted the band and western music continuously. And in that process insulted me as well. So much so, the band had to cancel the show midway.



Thankfully, the organizers had planned a ‘chendamelam’ which was huge success. Even though I enjoyed it as well, the evening was spoilt because of the short-sighted, discriminative, biased attitude of my drunkard colleagues.



I hate this. Why should they destroy my life? I realize that this is going to be a big problem in my later life.

Feb 4, 2005

First day - horror show

The first day of the conference started great. First of all, I got to hang out with a relatively mature colleague of mine. He is a wonderful character – reserved with a quirky sense of humor and is charming too. The rest of the gang, other than me and this ‘relatively mature colleague of mine’ (RMCoM – what a weird acronym), were more interested in the fun than the academics. It was the first experience for me in a big conference. Therefore, I wanted to attend the academics fully.



The food was shabby. But the talks were awesome. I was impressed with most of the stuff that I hearing. The fact that it was inspiring was a pleasant realization. One disappointing fact was that the papers were being presented from almost all the colleges san ours. I felt glad about my choice to continue my studies elsewhere.



I got to bond a little with my Prof as well. But he was acting introvertish.



In the night, I gave company to RMCoM by drinking beer with him. The rest of the gang got drunk with various other forms of alcohol. There was this karaoke show going on and all of my colleagues (except me and RMCoM of course) from our college and our college only, started dancing like pigs on the dance floor. I went and decided to join them as I thought they might feel bad if I stayed out. I even sang with an awesome singer on MJ’s ‘Heal the World’. Forgive me for the sin that I committed.



Then when I went to have dinner, I and RMCoM went up to my Prof and started talking with him. Professor told us that we looked different after drinking beer. Someone started to talk about the sex controversies in the media. I utilized the opportunity to make a point that such things were common everywhere, especially in the Gulf countries. Prof had worked for a few years there. I asked him if that wasn’t true. He tactfully avoided answering. Inference – he is very intelligent.



Then came the most disappointing aspect of the day. As I was finishing dessert, I went upto RCMoM who was talking with a drunk colleague of mine. I casually commented on the way food was smeared all over his face. Well, I actually said ‘You look like a clown.’



That was enough to set apart the bomb of hatred for me which was bundled in him. He abused me loud and clear. Then he threw Chicken Curry on my shirt. I somehow escaped and got myself cleaned. Later on in the night, I learned from this drunk himself of the reason why he got mad.



Very disappointing this is for me – He thought that I had a big ego, that I thought that I was the best and the other alcoholics were assholes. He thought that since I got high ranks in exams, and since he didn’t, I was acting superior to him. Similar blah blah.



Summary – everyone thinks that I’m an arrogant, superiority-complex-driven, asshole. Just because I don’t drink like them or enjoy stuff which they enjoy. Just because I was successful than they are in exams. Just because I dedicate myself at the hospital. This is pathetic. This will affect me in my residency starting in three months.



Thank you for adding to my already overflowing river of problems.

Ray in an accident

Today, I had a call from Chuck saying that my parents had asked him to contact Ray to tell him to check my hot uncle up once again because he was not feeling well. But he wasn’t able to contact Ray. I had called Ray up and asked him if he could go. He said he would.



In the evening, he called me back saying that everything was fine… except for the fact that he was involved in an accident on his way back from home. Nothing serious though. But it could have been much worse. Head on collision with another bike inside my lane. Anyway, everyone is safe.

The train trip

The trip on the train was great. I was in a happy mood thanks to the fact that my professor was on the same train. Besides, the company was good. I was cracking jokes and stuff like that.



Our professor spent some nice bonding time with us unlike other senior faculty who kept to themselves. There you see, I spot better men much better than others!

Feb 3, 2005

Hot Dad at home

Despite the lull in my life, I’m masturbating a lot. But now that guests are there, I might not get enough private time to indulge in a little game of pocket billiards. But hell what!



Today morning, I had a conversation with my hot uncle. Even though it was about his ill health (Cardiac problems, Diabetes etc.), I enjoyed it totally. He was looking awesome. Great smile, sexily trimmed moustache, wonderful accent in my the native language (unlike everyone in my family). Oh, I was so aroused, I wanted to do him right then.



Don’t misunderstand me. I’m still a bottom. I meant ‘giving head’ when I wrote ‘do’.



Then I had a brainstorm. Why not get Ray to check out (in both meanings – classic and slang) my uncle? I made Ray agree to the deal after about 10 minutes of coaxing over the phone. He came and gave him a consult. I felt that Ray was enjoying this well. This was ruined by the fact that my aunt and Mom interfered.



I'm going to a conference to the gayest place in my state today evening. I hope it will be fun, for a change.

Feb 2, 2005

Chuck's wedding reception

Today was Chuck’s marriage reception. He wanted me to come to his place early. But I couldn’t reach there sufficiently early because I had to attend another of my friend’s engagement in the morning. Even during that function, I generally felt hurt at small comments made by my friends. Must be due to my depression.



Anyway, I had managed to burn all the photos of Chuck’s wedding on to a CD before I went. That proved to be very useful as it was played as a slideshow on his TV set while about 50 guest were being entertained to a luncheon feast in the morning.



After that, I got ready in a hurry and reached the reception hall much earlier than anyone else. I managed to take snaps of the hall after all the decorations and stuff were complete. I also made sure that the instrumental CDs were playing well.



As soon as the reception began, I began to tirelessly take snaps of almost everyone greeting the bride and groom. I was overcompensating again. In the process, I got a lot of scathing comments from my friends. I tried to act cool and happy. But was not at all happy; the Nikon was giving bad snaps. All shaky and blurred. I was so disappointed with it, I feared that Chuck would ridicule me again.



I made sure that I was not in any snap other than a couple (out of about 1000 snaps taken during the evening). This is the way I try to keep a low profile. A very complex defense mechanism I guess. Chuck picked this up easily. It must have been that obvious; I didn’t feature in the snap of my parents with Chuck and his wife.



Later on in the evening he asked me if I was in any photo. I said I wasn’t in anyone except one. But I said that it was okay. He asked me why I didn’t turn up for the photo with my parents. I said ‘I didn’t want to do it. On purpose.’ That was true to an extent.



Chuck finally made me stand with his wife. Someone took a snap. I looked like shit. Dark, terrible and ugly. I guess I can attribute this to my hair which was unkempt. I guess I need to change my gel again. This one which I’m using is giving a desert dry look, exactly opposite of what it promises to achieve – ‘wet look’.



I was feeling tired and hungry. Yet, I didn’t feel like eating too much. I finally reached home

The only plus point in the evening was another encounter with the hot Dr. S who continued to exhibit the kind of power-authoritative-charm that attracts me so much. Even in the night, I got a chance to experience that at his home when I dropped his son, my batcmate and friend, home.



The ending of the day might be termed as happy I guess as I came home to realize that my uncle and aunt were home for a visit. This uncle is one of the hottest in my family.

Feb 1, 2005

Officially out of the hospital... but

On the last day of my official posting at the hospital, which was yesterday, I felt good about my work there. I think everyone was happy with me. Everyone was wishing me the very best of luck. In the evening yesterday, I felt that I was going to miss the hospital. Since the hospital was the place where I get most of morale boosts which I need so badly, I decided to keep on working again.



Today morning, I went back again. Everyone was a little surprised despite the fact that I had told them that I might drop in occasionally.



My posting in unofficial now and I don’t have obligations. That relieves me off of all the conflicts that I have by not putting in sufficient care for the patients. This means that I can concentrate more on the theory aspects. I have therefore, made a decision that I will read up something everyday and will try to put that to use in clinical experiences.