Jun 30, 2004

The desi blogs of relevance to queer issues

Finally, I've come across other blogs maintained by Indians which discuss about gay issues. Here are two which seem to be a little dormant at present. Let's hope things will liven up soon.





To Nitin and Praana - I hope you will give me some much needed 2 cents on my ramblings. ;-)



Here is another article on another Frontline with relevance to sexual minorities in India.




Of particular interest to me is a little part of the article that I'm quoting below. Is this the hospital that I'm about to work in?


Not surprisingly, Mumbai's AIDS rate has soared in recent years. Aronson visits one of Mumbai's largest public hospitals, one of the few in India that doesn't turn away AIDS patients. There she finds a man who is well into his sickness.

Crosswords, Docking and Fellatio

In the past couple of weeks, I have been mentioning about Crosswords. I've been searching the web for some good crossword sites. Here is the list and here is the best that I've come across until now - Newsday Crossword. It gives me great pleasure to inform you that I, with Ray of course, have managed to solve one whole Crossword from the Newsday site.



Apart from that, I've been enjoying these hugely enjoyable, educated chat sessions with this guy named Docker from SF, USA. He is the one who ushered me into the world of MC Escher the other day. The fun thing about chatting with him is the kind of stuff that he comes up with.



For example, his name originated from the term 'DOCKING'. There is a new meaning for this word - In gay sex, this refers to the act of protracting one partners foreskin over the other's glans, masturbating and then finally ejaculating into the others urethras. See the picture below.



The process of Docking Posted by Hello

The act is rounded off by a nice session of 69. Docker, who is circumcised, finds this as the ultimate in sex. And he believes himself to be the ultimate in Docking!



Finally, I've found a reason why I should find fellatio so attractive. The reason is pretty straightforward. And it is from Docker himself. Here goes -


"Remember that if men were not meant to be sucked, their bodies wouldn't have come with a nozzle!" - Docker

Doesn't this sound way too logical? For me, yes! And to take to my craze to another level, I went through this site, which incidentally was discoverd by Ray, which features a fellatio tutorial. Check it out here - Fellatio Tutorial

Jun 29, 2004

Agonies in life

The agony of not hearing from your date is horrible. Especially when it is due to such trivial reason - the computer guy sustained a freak injury which delayed the formatting an installation of the OS in Mr. Lion's computer. But after 3 days, I've had an e-mail with the preceding information which lessened the pain a little.



The agony of having to do something I hate is excruciating. Especially when the the aetiology is hopelessly shallow. Most of my relatives want to use me as their own personal doctor who could give them advice, which they could otherwise obtain, with a huge loss of money of course, from Cardiologists, Neurologist, Anaesthetics, Neurosurgeons, Infertility Experts etc. And I hate that. Why can't they ever try to understand what I would like to be talked to?



The agony of not being able to enjoy sex because of preputial stenosis, or in even easier terms "True Phimosis", is horrible. When you decide that you have to get cut, a dozen well-meaning Dads on SilverDaddies.com, who are willing to go to any lengths to coaxe you to retain your couple of centimeters of skin, make you re-think. Their reasons are varied. Most center on the fact that prepuce is a blessing which you can't discard at will. Others argue that it is painful, causes decreased sensations etc. Now I'm going to try conservative methods after consulting a Urologist. If that don't work out, I'll try the radical method. Try this sit out if you have time - http://www.nocirc.org



The agonies of being unable to master CSS, of not getting a JRship with pay, of not yet finding a new home for my dog, of suspecting my friends about their committment towards me etc. are being obscured by the aforementioned ones.



Well, if there is so much agony in my life, why am I not even crying? I'm not the kind of macho man who would waste a tear for fear of losing masculinity. Maybe my pain-control "Gate" mechanisms are state-of-the-art. Or maybe I'm hallucinating. Or maybe I'm just too cool.

Jun 28, 2004

Two days out

This post was meant to appear two days before. Thanks to my great ISP which can't figure out how to solve a local cable problem in under than 48 hours.




Yesterday was another special day. Ray celebrated his birthday with Mr. Lion in bed. It was the best possible birthday present that he could ever have I guess. Both enjoyed every moment of their time together. The day before, both were being apprehensive about how things would work out. And I, being the pimp, did my best to reassure them. I think it worked marvelously well.



To put things in perspective, Ray had sex with the man I’m almost in love with and I am still feeling great about it. It must be something to do with us being insane because this kind of thing works out only in porn movies or fantasies. But the truth is, we are very happy ‘sharing’ the treasure that we have found from this desert for gays. And as I quote Karen from ‘Will and Grace’; “It is like finding a needle in a gay-stack”, I’m feeling proud about our friendship.



To celebrate things, we two decided to try our luck at another crossword, from another newspaper, hoping that things would be easier. To give you an idea how committed I’m to improve myself in this, I bought an Oxford Advanced Learner’s dictionary before we headed off to the beach with the newspaper. As things unfolded, we realized that the miraculous transformation in our skills, which the dictionary seemed to guarantee, was not going to happen yesterday.



Ray’s vocabulary is simply amazing compared to the average ordinary educated Indian graduate, thanks to about 10 years of voracious reading since high school. Mind you, even with that, these crosswords are being very difficult. I suggested Ray to give a shot at writing; even in a blog like this. But he says he is not yet good enough and that the knack of writing is something he doesn’t have. I hope he changes his mind, and the sooner he does it, the better.



Yesterday, I thought I went overboard trying to explain how lucky I was feeling after finding men of such quality on Silverdaddies.com. I am forced to continue doing so, as I found out yesterday, that a man that I’m chatting with is ultra-cool. I’m referring to Docker, again from Silverdaddies.com who is an artist/professor by his own right. He has worked with an amazing artist/painter/writer called M. C. Escher during the latter’s lifetime. And now, he is the proud owner of a collection of the works of Mr. Escher which is second only to the one found in a Washington Museum!



As pointless it is, of me, to point out that I’m feeling onerous at this moment about this, M. C. Escher’s work is very interesting. You can check out some of the impossibilities in his featured paintings. I’m not even scratching on the surface of this great artist’s work, but I feel special having added a bit of knowledge into my own brain about art in general, and him in particular.



Yet another gentle-mature-man from the US was kind enough to let him read his article on a magazine that he writes in. Very entertaining read indeed, it turned out to be.



See, this is what I love about older men. They seem to be more wise, more creative, more intense, more knowledgeable, more powerful, more ‘everything else that you can think of’ than younger men and of course, any kind of women. My infatuation should be self-explanatory now.



I’m now in touch with about 10 different older men over the internet from the US, Canada, UK and Australia. Most of them have hit on me at SilverDaddies.com and seem to be very interested in me. I chat with them and enjoy flirting with them, even with the feeling in the back of my mind that I might be cheating on them. Is there any other way of going about this that the generous reader might suggest?



Out of these 10 odd persons, 4 have offered me unimaginable luxuries if I were to fly over and start living with them. How and why should they be so generous, I may never understand. But I’m feeling uneasy about these offers. Sometimes I feel like a part of the flesh-trade. There are times, when I remember a friend of mine friend saying that “An older man wanting to have a relationship with you might be a pedophile.” Even other times, I feel that I’m being a fool rejecting such great offers. I can assure you that rejecting them takes a great amount of will power.



I was chatting with an American Silverfox who enjoys international soccer. He likes watching the players and I enjoy watching the coaches. It suddenly occurred to me that just about everything I do in life these days is related to getting closer to an older man. Although this has been a blessing to me because such an urge made me improve myself as a person, it’s time I got a hold on it.

Jun 25, 2004

If you want to check Skip out!

You can check out Skip here Skip

Extreme Gayness

I don't know if anyone is keeping a track on gay blogs for the past 2 days, especially those from New York. The main event featured in these blogs is a broadway musical called That's SO Gay: Tales of Extremely Gay Gayness. My godfather in blogging, FAUSTUS MD, performed a gay cabaret song which he himself had written. From the comments on his blog you can be pretty sure that he did a great job. Now, Faustus actually went on to describe, on his blog, a few facts about his life which, he thought, made him gayer than most other gay people. Having thought I had read enough about gayness for a day, I went through another blog called Evelasting Blogstalker by a man who calls himself Charlie. Found out even more about extreme gayness.



Ergo, my self-doubting alter-ego took center stage. How gay am I? I don't dress like gays. I don't walk poodles or matisse around. In fact, my dog can be considered as a 'bisexual' kind of dog. She isn't either too masculine or feminine. I don't frequent the gyms nor am I a particularly well built person. Okay, I adore boxer trunks! But very few people know that I'm actually gay. But I'm sure I'm gayer than most other gay persons. It's just that I don't go around splashing it all over myself. Maybe it's because I'm in India. Maybe it's because of the way I'm. Whatever it is, I'm very comfortable with it.



I may not be the gayest person alive. But I'm one of the geekiest persons to hail from my neck of the woods, I'm sure. Yesterday, I managed to get invited to 3 G-mail accounts from a source I wouldn't like to divulge because I value their privacy. Now, most persons around me don't even know what G-mail is. If that was not geeky enough, I actually spent the whole day migrating to these accounts from my current Yahoo accounts. My initial review gives 8 out of 10 to G-mail. The problems with the interface and slackness with attachments etc. seem to be problems that can be sorted out in the alpha version.



On a different beat, I talked for a long time with Chuck. We sorted things out. He has promised not be this creepy again. He actually wanted to hear all about my encounters with Mr. Lion. And I, as you might have expected, confided in him like a little pre-teen girl. I can assure you he was feeling like throwing up the enjoyable Punjabi food that we were having at a restaurant when this happened. But he still listened to me. He put forward his opinions. And he, mind you, is absolutely straight. And that is why I think he's cool.



I don't know if I'm the latest casanova on a site that I'm registered in (SilverDaddies.com), but I'm getting a lot of proposals from older men from all over the world. One of them, of special mention, is a very well known person (who is known as Skip ) in the sporting circles in Australia. He is a charming, funny, enthusiastic man who actually carried the Olympic torch when it went through Sydney. And he likes me very much. So much so, that he has actually invited me to come to Sydney for watching a summer test match at the SCG with complete hosting and entertainment from his side.



I told Chuck about this. And you should have seen his jaw hit the table to create a minor dent that would go unnoticed with the restaurant owner. He asked me “What’s happening to the world these days? Don’t straight guys have any chance at all?” Coming to think of it, he might be right. Look at me. I live in a conservative society which is orthodox and where, being gay is ridiculed. But, I’m seeing someone, enjoying a sex life and finding great persons from all over the world. And Chuck, he’s not doing any of these at the moment. Straight persons, as someone said, must be out of their minds!



I'm rounding this post off on a sad note on behalf for those who follow English soccer. Yesterday's game was breath-taking. But Portugal did give England the kind of fight that would at least, bring in some respect to the English defeat yesterday. And for da Wayne, he, in my opinion, will be good enough to be a force for at least a decade. And we will see more of him, talk more about him and raise his iconic status even further.

Jun 23, 2004

A couple of words and misunderstandings

Epistemology: Epistemology(Noun)



Pronunciation: [ê-pis-tê-'mah-lê-jee or -ji]



Definition 1: (Philosophy) The study of the nature of knowledge: suppositions, conclusions, and all that happens in between—how we know things; the structure of knowledge itself.



Very interesting word. Something like a fact about fact. I thought I'll share the word with you. Another new word usage that I came across today is 'acme'. Someone told congratulated me on reaching my acme. Well, I'd rather think that I've never reached acme and am striving for it. Keeps the drive going. Some of you may have realized, my life's peaking right now. But I am hoping that this is not the highest that it can ever reach.



I'm trying to don my Power Personality mode these days. Appearing confident about everything that I speak about. That can sometimes be deceiving to unsuspecting persons. Today, at the marriage ceremony that I had to attend, I had a few persons sermon me after hopelessly misunderstanding me. Check this out. I was having some fun with my uncle who I always enjoy having lively, humorous conversations with. I said "In four years time, I'll be one of the most-wanted Orthopedicians in town. I should be very busy and hard to reach.". The man behind me, my father's cousin, pulled himself up from the slumber in a chair and said gravely to my ear "Whatever you do, always do something to help out the poor. Never let yourself be a money-machine who doesn't care about people. This is my advice to you." Escuse me! I was just kidding. I am one of the proponents of the doctrine that my father's cousin preached.



Chuck had called me when I was at the wedding. I said that I was disappointed that he didn't inform me where he went. He explained that he thought I would want to come if he had informed me. Since there was not enough space in the car, he thought I will feel disappointed. Excuse me! I'm 24! I can understand when someone says no to something. Especially if it's for such a valid reason. He said sorry finally. But I need to talk to him about what he thinks of me.

Context sensitive ads & da Wayne

I guess most of you bloggers must be aware of the G-mail theory. 1 (whopping) GB of space with a little string attached: Context sensitive text ads. For all that I figured, I thought they might not be good. Life has a habit of proving me wrong these days, but only for the better. Check the top of my blog out. You see the banner ad saying "Indiana Jones" or "Sean Connery"? I'm very impressed. Apart from Mr. Lion, Mr. Connery is the only man I've been dreaming about. I'm waiting with baited breath until I get hold of his biography from the The British Library.



Apart from the my dating dilemas, Euro 2004 is happening too. I bring this point up as the first person to comment on my blog is a big time soccer fan. I too am a soccer fan. Coincidence? I too support England. Coincidence? I too root for Rooney, Wayne! Not a coincidence! Not in any bloody way. And the answer to that is because he's on top of the world at this moment. People from all over the world are comparing him to Pele. Well, that might be a little premature. But this kid is good, I tell you! I hope he keeps up the magic and get England their first major title since 1966.



Oh by the way, Mr. Lion is happy to see me more often. I'm relieved. I'm happy and am gay. I'm expecing an explanation from Chuck today.

Jun 22, 2004

Name Acronymn

KKind
RRefined
IIrresistible
SSpunky

Name / Username:


Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Love triangle

Life gets weirder. First of all, FAUSTUS MD, the man who inspired me (with the blog The Search for Love in Manhattan) to create this blog, replied to mail saying that he enjoyed my style of writing. Great! Mr. Lion gave me and Ray a wonderful tour of the zoo. It also featured close encounters with tigers which is what I have always fantasized about! Everything about Mr. Lion is infatuating! Ray finally agreed to my earlier descriptions about the man. Mr. Lion and Ray were meeting for the first time and now they are going to meet again in about three days’ time.



Now, you must be confused about the picture. I’m dating Mr. Lion. I along with Ray go see Mr. Lion. Mr. Lion is making plans with Ray. It’s not a complicated love triangle. I and Ray can’t figure out why we are doing this. But the truth of the matter is that it’s very hard to find any SilverFox in this part of the world, forget someone like Mr. Lion! And therefore, we are okay with Mr. Lion seeing both of us at the same time.



Back to cloud 1. I want to see Mr. Lion more often. Not for sex always. Just to share some time between us. I don’t know if Mr. Lion is game for it. I’ve sent him a mail asking him if he would be interested. I hope he says yes.



What would you do if your best friend did something like going to a hill station without telling you? What if the reason for him not informing might be that he is scared that you might want to go along with him to the tour? Chuck is doing this to me now. But I’m fine with it. I’m not that easy to convince against in such situations.


Jun 21, 2004

Monday blues

Yesterday was a wonderful day in my life. I should admit that I was feeling very happy after my first date "in Bed". Even though I was able to please Mr. Lion (to an extent I think I have), some sort of nervousness hidden in me prevented me from enjoying the reciprocation.



So, feeling wonderful I was; but also feeling rather anxious about not hearing from Mr. Lion. Finally, he responded in the afternoon saying that it was nice experience blah blah. I wanted to chat with him somehow. It didn’t materialize yesterday and not until now. In the back of my mind I was feeling undecided whether to go to Delhi or to join my college as volunteering intern. Plus, I haven’t decided on a date yet to ‘give’ Julie to its new master.



Multitude of reasons made me wish there was someone with me to do something to take my mind off. I set out to see Ray who was actually busy at the hospital relieving someone. I met him in the intensive care unit and learnt something that I have always wanted to learn. How to operate the Ventilator and other monitoring devices. Ray is very good at explaining. He’s patient and answers all your questions with disregard to the actual intelligence involved in putting together the question.



After that bit, I took Ray home to help me out with my website updates. Plans went awry as we found ourselves at the mercy of the games that the Kerala State Electricity Board likes to play. Mind you, it’s not even a week since they have taken off the Load-Shedding bit. The half an hour per day cuts have been generously replaced by outages in the morning which last about 2 hours. Anyway, what this meant that we had to go out and we ended up having a lot of fun.



To the beach we went first and spent a lot of time knowing more about each others’ past lives. It’s alarming that we should have so many similarities. We also tried solving crosswords but ended up feeling like miserable jerks when we couldn’t even find more than 4 answers out of 50. A stroll on the beach is always great for ‘silverfox-spotting’. Even though a drizzle made a decent try at stopping us from enjoying, we beat it to the new park in the cultural capital of the city. It’s an awesome place and things like this should be encouraged. Except for the loud and senseless speech about some kind of harmony between religions blaring over cheap speakers, the park too was a pleasant experience. To top things off, there was this awesome dinner at the “Punjabi Dhaba”. In a matter of a few months, this place is becoming “the” place to have food. I love the “Aloo ka Paratha” at the place.



Did I ever mention to *you*, the reader of my blog, that I’m feeling a bit like ‘living’ Will & Grace? If I haven’t yet, then I’m feeling like that. I have always wanted to lead a life in the way one of these sitcoms portray it. Look I’m gay. I’m seeing someone. I have a friend Ray who is gay. I have someone like Chuck and May who know practically everything about me. Great friends, gay friends and an active sex life; Wait a minute! Isn’t this Will & Grace without all the jokes?



Among the things that me and Ray have been talking about, one thing that I would like to write about is about the relationship with parents. Ray had the opinion that I’m just taking things too seriously at home. I am expecting too much from my parents while not giving what they want. I know that this is true to some extent. But then, I just wish for someone like Chuck’s parents who enjoy dining out, having fun and talk to each other more. Then again Chuck is not gay, he’s religious and does do things that his Mom and Dad want him to. Thinking about what might have been had I not been like what I am now is never going to work, is it?



Anyhow, I would still like to give you an example of what goes on in my house which always seems to irritate me. Today afternoon, I was feeling happy about having worked out properly for the first time after my sprain. I had gone down to have lunch keeping a happy face and feeling good. Mom and Dad are watching the Sun News channel. Mom served me the set. I thought I will watch some TV while I’m eating. I ask my father if I can watch TV for 10 minutes.



Dad said “You can watch TV alright. But if you don’t mind I would like to watch TV for another 10 minutes.” Mom said “Why do you ask? Have we ever prevented you from watching TV?” Both don’t look in the eye. Mom said what she did with the kind of unhappiness which depressed me. Now you might be thinking that this is normal. But when you understand that my father always says things like this without actually meaning it. He actually wanted to see TV for half an hour. If he wanted to say he would like to watch TV for half an hour, why not say that? Why should he be dishonest in this?



Dishonesty is one thing my father always sports. Especially when it comes to saying things like




“I know it’s there somewhere here, but can’t find it now.” - The thing was never there.


“This thing is brand new. I bought it a couple of weeks back.” - It was bought about 10 years back and it looks damn old.


“I have never seen the TV go as dark as it does. It was normal until today.” - The TV has not been working properly for about 4 years now.


The levels of dishonesty creep up to dizzying levels when he speaks to a guest/friend. He tries to praise himself and everyone else to glory. I can’t stand that. Why can’t he be straight-forward and say the truth?



My Mom’s cooking is in such a way that some times the gravy and the pieces in the curries seem like separate. Now this is accentuated when the curry is hot. When she’s at home, she cooks late and at lunch everything is warm. This of course, does more harm to the curry than not because of the problem. I hate this and always ask her to cool everything down before serving. But she never seems to understand and always blames me for complaining too much. The same happened today.



So I’m left eating at the table munching my not-so-delectable lunch. I try to drown with my best effort. This is what goes on around me.



Dad’s picking on his nose. It is ugly to see how he does it. He sort of lunges back after each pick and the whole upper limb motion is very jerky. After each pick he carefully inspects what is between his fingers. If there is something appreciably large, it ends up on the floor by the couch.



Mom’s trying to act interested in what is going on in the TV. She makes strange faces. She has her hand inside her underskirt and she’s also picking somewhere. I can’t see properly where.



Seeing this, I hope to see something pleasant on TV. Surprise, surprise it’s Sun TV. They show ugly Tamilians with weird hairdos, weirder accents and even yuckier things to talk about. At times the guy on the tube talks so loud, I have to plug my ears. And even more surprising, my parents are enjoying it. After all, they aren’t watching TV! They are busy with picking at themselves.



It’s too much for me. I have to stop eating lunch and come up to type this. I feel so bad at not being able to adjust to these apparently trivial things at home. I hope someone finds out that this is not so easy to adjust.

Not a virgin anymore

My sister finally went back. I was glad and relieved when she did because now I didn’t need to talk to her. Furthermore, she was depriving me of precious time to type mails to Mr. Lion. Hell whatever, I finally decided on meeting Mr. Lion in a hotel room and have some fun. I don't want to go into graphic description of the whole event. But it was so much fun for me. Lots of kissing, caressing, fondling went on. I gave Mr. Lion the time of his life (I hope). It was the first time I did it but I felt at home doing it. In between, we talked about a lot of things including my Sis.



Having said that, I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t respond properly to what Mr. Lion had to offer. I have been thinking about the reasons why. I have concluded that it was due to the fact that I never fantasized anyone doing such things to me. I dream of me doing such things to others! Maybe a physical factor (which might need a surgical consult) was also involved. Again, I’m not detaling.



In the end, I feel wonderful after going through my first sexual experience. It was certainly fun. I hope to have more fun in the coming months! Thank you Mr. Lion!!!

Time to shrug off the allelomimetic behaviour

It did seem a little strange when I first started talking to my sister after she came home. Two years back, I was being the post-pubescent younger brother without any sense of direction in life and she used to be the mature person who had the life that she once hoped for. We shared everything between ourselves. I have been grateful to her for supporting the way she has did in letting me become what I’m now.



Now it’s almost the exact opposite. I am enjoying what my life the way I want with the kind of confidence that I rarely experience. She is going through one of her worst phases of her life after marrying. And she seems lost in her own castle of shattered dreams. She and I have been rarely talking for the past few months. I was feeling bad about not doing that.



The conversations seem to follow the same course. She explains how wonderful she’s feeling being back at home. Then goes on to say how bad her life is at her new home but how good BIL is. I try to explain to her that it’s over a year and a half and that they two have to decide on a proper strategy which would work to make her life better. She says “You don’t understand. This isn’t easy!”.



For three days the conversation went on in this pattern with me trying in vain to suggest that they are allowing someone to rule over them without any need for the same. Finally, I felt lost again and contacted my personal shrink, Mr. Lion.



Mr. Lion asked me to stop bothering my Sis and BIL with their troubles unless they demanded help. He said that me and my Sis are showing something called “Allelomimetic behaviour” which actually means group thinking behaviour. He said it’s fine just to give them support and in due course things will clear up. He also suggested the origin of my homosexual tendencies from one of my parents. He also thinks this might have rubbed on my sister. Honestly, I never thought about that!



This is extremely interesting. I’m in a situation where I think I have found some answers to the origins of my sexual orientation. Also, Mr. Lion has cleared up my dilema about my sister. I’m quitting from being allelomimetic with my Sis. Thank you, Mr. Lion!

Living a dream?

The day of my dream date with this guy didn’t start off that well. I was unsure why he wasn’t chatting with me. But apparently, MSN had to resolve issues far beyond human comprehension to get us to chat with each other. But that was not the jolt which I received in the morning. Well, ‘jolt’ probably isn’t the word that I should be using because at that point the news that my sister is arriving the day after could have meant good or bad. Anyway, I thought this might be a bad experience because of the fact that I could never explain to her why I wasn’t talking to her as much as I used to. This was shocking because I had to get everything clean and spotless before she arrived. And I had a date on in the afternoon!



Before I get any further, I would like to give the characters in my life with some names. So here goes; Ray – my gay friend, Chuck – my straight friend, May – my straight girl friend, Mr. Lion – my current date. These are the important characters. I’ll introduce more as the story goes on.



So with the new of my Sis coming, I called Ray and asked him to help me. We would discuss about the date along with cleaning. So all was said and done and I was getting ready to go to meet Mr. Lion. I logged into MSN with the hope of at least hoping to chat with him once before meeting. And there he was! Apparently he had been hoping for the same from the morning. He had a visit from a cousin. We chat for sometime and start out to meet. I decide on a set of formals. The best set I have.



It’s a rainy afternoon. I reach there 5 minutes before schedule and wait for him at the parking lot. He doesn’t turn up in time. I start worrying. I even called Ray up and he suggested that Mr. Lion might have waited until the rain subsided. Finally, I pick his car up and greet in and get in. Boy, he looked good! Much better than what I had expected after seeing his photo. He’s younger looking than the photo suggested. Great forearms, arms, sprinkle of silver hair sprouting through his shirt top, no shoes just sandals. Dresses smart and talks nicely.



Wonderful start I guess. I was feeling a bit nervous. But we started talking and things started easing out. We went to good restaurant where we hoped to get some privacy. We start off with soup and he carries on talking. He’s not having any main course cuz he had lunch already. I order a Biriyani and listen to him.



The conversation is about his sexual encounters in the past and his professional life. I only get time to add stuff here and there. I’m awestruck by the things that he did, the things that he knew and the stuff that he had been through. Honestly I have never realized that sex life among men from India can be this colorful.



As he’s talking he starts to grab at my thighs. With waiters interrupting, this never goes on properly. Finally, I start reciprocating and I’m feeling happy about what I’m doing. We never reach the ZONE because of the lack of privacy. There was this one moment where he actually felt my nipple which was so weird. But then, I am not gifted with my body; be it nipples, muscles or anything else.



This was pretty romantic because of the setting for the first date. I thought I liked him then. After this, we rode on his car to the place where we met and from there he took a side lane. After reaching a relatively empty part of the road, he grabbed me and kissed me. Wow, what a feeling it was! I thought I reacted well and we shared two warm kisses with tongue. In between I groped at his thing which was responding. At the end of the second kiss, Mr. Lion caught someone looking at us. We then made our way out and then came back to the parking lot. We parted after I gave him my mobile number and he gave me his business card.



After this, I felt on top of the world. It was my first date and I thoroughly enjoyed the kisses. I finally felt like I’m entering my adult life proper. Wow, it took about 2 hours for me to explain the whole story to Ray who was very happy about this. We came to my place and started doing the chores. It really felt wonderful having someone like Ray beside me who understood all my feelings. I called Chuck up to say that I had enjoyed the date. I promised to tell him all the details on the next jogging session.



One thing that really amazes me is the number of good qualities that this guy has. He’s almost my dream guy. Intelligent, educated, handsome, caring! Could this be a dream?



I worked late into the night and then got up early in the morning to finish my chores. I did finish them up before my Sis landed. Me and my cousin went to picked her up from the bus station. BIL was looking hip in shorts and tees. After we took them home, I was really anxious to get started talking to my Sis. Rest in the next post…


Measure your penis? - "Condom maker gives out penis-measuring cards"

I'm not updating the blog regularly. But when I do, you'll finally end up understanding why I should find this story relevant.

Jun 16, 2004

Good Friday

I’m back on the blog after a week where my life turned on itself, for the better! So many thoughts in my mind I wish to put down. These are very important days which I’m talking about. Those you are unlikely to forget for the rest of your life. So where did I leave you? I’m meeting an olderman on a date for the first time in my life.



The scene shifts to Friday evening, when I finally fixed a time and place for meeting my man. He has his own car and we plan to meet at a common place and decide on further plans. I’m thrilled to the core. I even start feeling a little nervous. Come on, this is my first time meet on a date! So what do I do? I got to SilverDaddies.com and start asking around for tips on dating. And some tips I got. I met three gentlemen in there, all very kind and considerate persons willing to give me tips on how to be safe etc. One of them, a painter/artist, was a very interesting person. He actually reviewed the Promises demo after getting to know that I was writing songs. The kind of dissection that song received from him (called Jim) was remarkable. I felt wonderful hearing from an art critic, a person who knows his bearings when it comes to music. This guy plays about 5 instruments and has had a singing career.



The point I’m trying to make is the fact that it’s amazing the quality of persons this SilverDaddies.com has to offer. I have been using the internet for some five years now and I have to admit that this site now has generated for me, five or six persons who are awesome, not just from the sex point of view. Thanks to Mr. Dennis Andersen, the owner of the site. I pity my friends who are straight but interested in meeting interesting persons over the internet. They don’t have such a site I’m sure.



After this, my friend comes over from College and we both watch the movie “Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade”. What a movie! I really mean it. I loved the movie as much as I loved the Godfather series. The most moving part of the story for me was the bonding aspect between Harrison Ford and Sean Connery. Connery played his part charmingly well enough to enter my list of “Persons I would like to have sex with”. The screenplay was captivating and the amount of thought that went into writing it must be remarkable. I can go on blah blah blah for a long time. But the point is – what are the new age directors thinking when making movies these days? With all the technological advances, surely movies should be made better with such great screenplay. This friend of mine has suggested two movies which are actually out of the way from my kind of movies, which have been exceptional. The other one is “Hero” by Jet Li.



After that, I went to my friend’s place to check on his Dad who has had a surgery. This is a person who, I have had the worst days of my life. But now we have settled the issues somewhat. I would like to really ponder why I did this after he almost forced me to committing suicide one day. Might that be because of the fact that I secretly had a crush on him stretching a few years back? Or is it because of my friend, with whom I’ve had my most inspiring musical moments with this friend back in the days when we used to jam. Maybe, I expect some magic when we jam again in the future. Or is it because of the fact that he was my sister’s idea of an ideal person, the kind that I looked up to emulate when I ‘grew up’? Maybe it is because of my grudge with the persons who said I can’t possibly do anything in a relationship because I suck at it. Am I trying to show them that I can bring a relationship back from a point of absolute no hope to its full bloom? I think I’ll keep on pondering till death about this.



Okay, so back to this friend’s Dad. He, along with his wife, had almost destroyed the careers of both me and my friend 4 years back. Now, they are seeing new light apparently! They have finally realized that their son is not going to realize his full potential until he goes to a career featuring music production, a field for which he is most blessed with. It felt awfully strange to hear the words “My son can’t work in a field which is not interested in!” tumble out of their mouths with a kind of hesitation and with a feeling of dejection. Was I not saying the same thing when they accused me of destroying their son?



The point is: Finally I’ve won a victory in a battle that changed my life. Wow, I feel so much better! Story continued above in more posts…

Jun 10, 2004

The new guy

I'm not getting enough time to type in these days. Very busy always spending time outdoors, with friends or at the hospital. Maybe I need to drop this idea of the blog until I get enough time.



I am exchanging mails with this guy I'm about to meet. He's not a natural gay. Is married with wife and children. But he looks hot and seems to be a good guy and I think I'll meet him in a couple of days' time.

Jun 8, 2004

The reply has arrived!

Oh my, I can't believe this is happening. Finally, an older man from my very own city is interested in me! He has replied to my earlier message. We're planning to get to know more about each other before we meet. I'm ecstatic about this.

Oasis?

Some about turn this is! Three monstrous changes in my life. Firstly, Creed has been disbanded. I don't know how to react to this. Thinking from one angle I feel that it's for the better cuz I know that Tremonti and Philips can kick ass without the limitations set by Stapp. But then, I'll be missing his voice! The new band (minus Stapp that is) is called and their record is coming up in August. I'm looking forward to that.



The other two would certainly bring about changes in my personal lifestyle. One is the news that there is a gay minister in the Indian Cabinet! Come on, this has to be a dream come true! This might come into more relevance when I'm actually contemplating losing my virginity to a daddy I met on "SilverDaddies.com" who resides in my home town! I never thought I would find someone from my town. This guy is called "oldlion" and has not yet replied to my message. But it's been only hours since I found and sent him a hello. I hope this turns out to be a great experience.



These three events have forced me to work on another song.

Jun 7, 2004

Dry times

Nothing interesting happening in life these days. Last two days have not been interesting enough to generate enough thoughts to write a blog entry. Apart from constructive criticism about my new song, nothing interesting has happened. I'm reading Lord of the Rings, apart from sleeping all day.

Jun 6, 2004

A refreshing change

Finally, after a long wait of over 700 days, I was at the my college hospital doing some work. Oh, I can't tell you how good it felt! I was a little edgy when I went there. I didn't know if I could fit in to the system to which I was so snugly engaged 2 years back. The first day, or night rather, went very well. I feel like a changed person now while interacting with persons, especially patients. But since I was not officially on duty, I had to keep a check on myself through out the whole time. I have this problem of putting myself under all kinds of rules and restrictions during some occasions where I was uninvited/shouldn't have been present. It's fine to have some kind of restriction always. But I overdo it most of the times. Thankfully, except for the wretched feeling it gives me, it has never back-fired!



It was a very different day/night yesterday. I went back to the 2 movies/day theme. Watched Gladiator on TV in the morning. Again, I fell in love with the magnificience of Rome and the empire. Lovely screenplay, great fight scenes and of course, gorgeous SilverDaddies! Wait a minute! Every movie I love has one or two of these cute older men. Is it because of them that I watch movies? I was able to generalize the question sometime later on in the day. After reading/sleeping till tevening, I switched on the tennis on the tube from the French Open. It was a total mishap of the Ladies singles championship match. I was still enjoying it very much? Why you may ask? What? Not again! Yes, there are a lot of moustached daddies in the spectators that, very curiously, attract the attention of the cameras. They keep on showing such guys between points dammit! Is this why I watch Tennis? Maybe it's not just me. Perhaps, everyone likes them!



After spending the day until about 4 AM at the hospital, I came home feeling fresh. I had decided not to sleep and watched "Braveheart" on DVD. I think the theme is naive but the cinematography deserves some applause. Having seen Gibson's "Passion...", I feel that he makes movies in a similar way.



One more thought that I would like to share with you today. I don't know how many of you interact with so many persons in your professional life. But, my profession is such that a lot of unsuspecting persons pass through my life, as patients, who, under different circumstances, would be ideal persons to have a crush on or start a relationship with. During my internship, I had a lot of feelings with patients. But I tried supressing them not only because I was still uncomfortable about my sexual identity, but also because of the fact that I believe in strict professionalism at work. In the last 2 years or so, I have come out and now am very confident about myself being gay. It's the first time after this that I have worked in a professional enviornment. I saw a couple of interesting men and I stared at them a couple of seconds longer than others. What should I do in such situations? Does anyone have any idea?



The lack of sleep, about a couple of dozen hot men (combined total from TV, movies and hospital) and the pleasure of finding my feet back in my work environment is making me very horny today.

Jun 4, 2004

The joy of instant information

Yesterday's mystery has been partially solved. From what my friend suggests, the concept of man descending from the Dwarves is there in some mythologies. More specifically, the Nordic mythology (a.k.a. Norse mythology). For those who don't have a clue of what this is, it is the mythology originating from Germany. I have not yet found reference to this link. But that ain't the point. With the British Council library providing online access to the Encyclopaedia Brittannica and Oxford Reference to it's members, internet has become very useful to many like myself. Now I can look up anything that I don't understand at possibly the best knowledge bank available. Reading books, watching movies etc. has changed since this facility became available. For example, I learnt that the Harmonica comes in two types - Diatonic and Chromatic. The one which I started playing about a week is of the former type in C. This is so much fun!



I'm very excited about the fact that "Promises" is listener friendly. Most of my friends who have listened to it are happy about the song. This makes me wonder if I should devote most of the free time that I'm having currently to songwriting instead of having fun watching movies, hanging out etc. But then, artists should not be deprived of their sources of inspiration! Could somebody passover my 'issues list'? The insatiable craving for amusement today meant that I don't have any time to start on a new song.



Today's movie was "Harry Potter - The Prisoner of Azkaban" at the city's best theatre. It was my first experience with Rowling's work both in print or screen. I thought the story was a bit of a drag and the acting not up to standard. Screenplay could have been a lot better. But the best part of the movie was it's Animated parts. I really think that movies like "Hellboy", "Day After Tomorrow" and this Harry Potter movie have raised the standards of animation in Hollywood from the critically backed "highs" in "Spiderman". Honestly, I don't think the animationg in Spidrman was all that good. I'm referring to the jumps and landings in the film which look highly artificial. In this Harry Potter movie, the animation featuring "the Buck Peak" was simply breathtaking.



Coming off the topic of movies and back to my personal life which is taking a gently swing, I spent some quality time talking about topics from Profession to marriage with a couple of friends from college. This is something which I wouldn't even have imagined a couple of years back. Now I want to spend more time like this. Although I still suspect it has got something to do with the delectable variety of the Older Men on display at the locations where we choose to hang out, this is remarkable if you have been a friend of mine in the last five years.



Another thing which I must note down is that I'm feeling very good about my right wrist these days. I played a whole badminton game with a friend of mine today without even feeling the slightest discomfort. If you are wondering why I should be mentioning this, I had sustained a sprain about a month and half back and couldn't even lift a glass of water using my right hand about 3 weeks back.

Middle Earth mystery

I was never a good reader during my school days, thanks to the 'quality' of teaching at the schools. Add to it the fact that my parents never seemed to have time to spend on these apparently 'trivial' leisures, you get a prefect mixture for 'hypolexia'. I noticed something while I was reading a passage about Gay Issues on the computer with a friend of mine - he would finish a paragraph in about 2/3rd time that I would take. If that made me feeling funny, a comment about having to read the entire Lord of the Rings book set, multiple times, during your childhood got me doubting my scholarly achievements.



Although both of these didn't directly pushed me into starting the jumbo paperback of the 'pseudo-trilogy', I feel better right now after going through the first thirty or so pages. It has got me really interested mainly because of the fact (that I think) that the plot is based on mythology which attribute the Human race's origin from other forms of intelligent life (Dwarves). That's very interesting indeed. I don't know how many of you are bored after reading this post about some thing which you might have thought about a decade back, but give me a break guys!



As I mentioned yesterday that I'm recording this new song called "Promises". I did some remastering today and the demo sounds balanced. I got wonderful reviews from friends from all over and I'm very glad about it. If you want to listen to the song click here to download. Listen to the song (lyrics are in an earlier post) and send in comments.



About the two issues that I've been working with lately, one has been resolved to some sort of solution now. The other one is still there. I hope it's not too late before anything bad happens. Late in the day, some persistent rain spoiled my plans to be at the Casualty (ER) at College after a gap of 3 years with my friends. I felt bad about the missed opportunity which had given me the time to start the book.



Comments please.

Jun 2, 2004

Promises" drafted

I'm not posting in detail because I'm very tired today. I and my friends have made the basic outline of the song and have recorded a trial version. I'm very happy about the way it went.

My experiences

This following is a passage that I typed in the Gay Bombay e-group. Thought it might be interesting to read.



I thought I would contribute to this ongoing discussion about the
self-realisation of homosexuality. First of all, I must point out that I like
older men. The reason why I have such a preference might become clearer if you
know about my experiences as a child.



I was brought up in a family where my father didn't spend any time with me. He
never used to talk to me about what I was interested in etc. Besides he was away
from home for prolonged periods for work. This was the reason why I always
envied friends whose Dads were 'closer' to them.



When I was 8 years old, I used to go to play at my neighbor's place where my
friend's Dad used to chat with him about a lot of things. I felt attracted to
his Dad from a very early time as well. He must have caught me staring at him at
times because after some time, he gave me a lot of signs in a sexual way. Those
included undressing and masturbating (once). Even though these things did arouse
me, I was no way aware that I was being homosexual/gay. Honestly, I didn't even
know what sex was then!



After that, I began watching out for older men. And things started falling into
place. I was at another neighbor's house when an uncle over there was watching
tennis on the "then Cable TV". An uncle who invited me over didn't change the
channel when there were seens of nudity and sex. That was when I was about 10
years old.



In my puberty days, I felt the physical changes and started understanding sex.
When I started trying to read about sex, I never felt interested in women. I
would always read about men. Then I understood that there was something
different with me than with the rest of my friends. The hots for older men kept
raging on after I found a lot of books relating to sex in my uncle's library.



Then right through college, and my graduation I kept myself busy fantasizing
about men and eyeing hot older men. Now I'm 24 and it's been three years since I
have 'come out of the closet'. Most of my close friends now know that I'm gay
and I like older men. Some of them even try to understand me. I have not told
about my likings to my parents although my sister knows about it and is
supporting me silently.

Issues

It always feels nice to salvage a day which begins like a disaster. After missing jogging in the morning and going out with a friend, I thought I'd be down and out all day. Despite realizing that I was cheated by my DVD rental store by being handed over half of the full "Ben Hur", I enjoyed what I could see in the movie. I must admit that half the time I was admiring Robert Brown, the sailor chief, who adopts Ben Hur as his son. Acting was great and the script interesting.



Then, I started on a new song called "Promises". I'll give the lyrics at the bottom of this passage. In this song, I'm trying to venture out to increase the my musical spectrum by putting in some Harmonica (for the first time!). I'm already into the melody but am not getting great ideas for the verse as of now.



I'm fighting a couple of issues with my personal life at present. I must confess that I have found a great friend. Right know, he knows more about me more than anyone else at present. I have to make a couple of very important decisions in the next two days and I hope they will be wise.



"Promises"

Why does one promise so often
Only to keep some, the rest left broken
A word which is used without the knowledge
Of it's actual power, Oh what we pledge

If making someone happy is your aim
It makes sense to decide, before you proclaim
What to say and when to do without letting
Anyone get hurt by you forgetting

Your promises
The near misses
Your promises
The death kisses

Never let them call you and remind you
Of what you said and what was due
Your discretion would save you
From all the shadows standing in queue

I can understand why you make those
Mistakes from which, oh it was so close
Go on and get a grip of what you say
Or you might find yourself in the grey of

Your Promises
The near misses
Your Promises
The death kisses

Jun 1, 2004

Big Fat Greek Dads at the Wedding

Ha ha ha! I am laughing already at the title of my post for today. No prizes for guessing the movie which I watched today. I must say that I enjoyed the movie especially the funny parts. Needless to say, the hunky Dads on the movie really whetted my appetite. Apart from sex, the movie provided me with a lot of thinking about my life with my family. I am feeling very much like "Tula" from the movie. I dislike most of the things about my family and it's roots. I have a real problem with adjusting with my parents, cousing etc. I am spending most of my days wishing I was in a different family who enjoyed life in the ways that I like. In fact this feeling has been strong enough to influence my sexuality. The reason why I seek older men is because I would like my partner to be a guide/advisor/dad to me. Much like the regular "Dad" in my ideal family.



The movie ends with the thought that wherever one may go in life, your family is going to be there and you have to get on with that fact. Right now, I'm trying to escape forever from the clutches of this family. I'm trying to finish my studies in a city far from where I have been brought up in and then going on to settle there. I don't think I'm willing to let myself adjust to the family which I have disliked for a lifetime.



Besides this, I'm starting on the "Lord of The Rings" books which seem to be very interesting. I hope they entertain me much the same ways as Asmiov did with "Foundation" series. Another problem has come up these days. One of my friends is acting funny and is not willing to talk to me about it. I'm really wondering what to do next.